Sunday, May 18, 2008

People Are Sick

So, I decided to continue my studies into Japanese.

I figure I might as well find out what all those squiggles mean.

I mean, most of the time when I'm in a party with Japanese players, I can't tell if we're in trouble or if the Bards pants don't match his shoes.

Those squiggles might be important.

As I worked my way through lessons, I decided it might be helpful to have some actual Japanese reading material to browse through.

Plus, the lady at the Asian variety market down the street looks at me funny when I try to strike up a conversation about finding my way to the local train station.

So, I was stuck trying to find an easy way to get Japanese reading material.

Conventions were out. Those things frighten the hell out of me.

I decided my best option was ebay.

Honestly, it's pretty much the easiest thing to do nowadays. No matter what you're looking for, someone is probably selling it on ebay.

Ebay is probably the only place where you can wake up at 3 am looking for a sandwich that looks like Abe Lincoln and find one for sale.

A quick search and I found lots of Japanese books. I figured my best bet would be to buy a few final fantasy books.

You might not know this, but I'm a bit of a final fantasy fan.

I buy a handful of magazines and books, and sit back and wait.

And wait...

And wait...

So... How ya been?

The books arrived just the other day. I tore the package open and flew through the pages.

That is when I learned a very important Japanese lesson:

"Doujinshi" does not mean "comics".

It might more accurately translate into: "DEAR GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!"

Apparently, in my shopping excitement, I failed to notice the description that said "pictures of final fantasy characters having wildly unusual sex".

You'd think I would have noticed something like that.

You'd think that would have jumped out at me.

Maybe I didn't notice it because IT WASN'T THERE!

Now, instead of having Japanese reading material, I have the image of Sephiroth "attacking" Cloud in a most unorthodox manner burned into my brain.

And I paid money for it.

What the hell is wrong with people?

The fact that people even make this stuff is evidence of two major things:

a) that the world is going to hell

b) that the world SHOULD go to hell

Who the hell has ever been playing an FF game and suddenly said "Hey, this would be better if it was porn."

That is a sick, sick person.

Please tell me you've never said that.

I don't think we can still be friends if you've ever said that.

This whole thing just has me so grossed out. I feel sick just knowing this shit exists.

What could be worse than seeing that?

Susan>> What are you reading?

That should do it.


At 10:11 PM, Blogger ineedbettername said...

Oooh, bad luck there. I know it may not be your style, but it's probably a good idea to ask for a guide or some sort of help before diving balls-first into the unknown.

At 11:27 PM, Blogger Tim said...

it could be worse still...

Susan> What are you reading?
Susan> Oh hey! That's my favorite one!

At 11:32 PM, Blogger Azophael said...

Well, you've been unlucky. As long as it's no regular manga, i'd refrain from buying it. Stay away from Yaoi lest you get an aneurysm.

At 2:33 AM, Blogger Psylex said...

At least it wasn't pictures of Final Fantasy characters doing unusual things while singing Rick Astley's popular songs in Japanese...

At 5:21 AM, Blogger Pawkeshup said...

See, that happened to me when I did a search once for the storyline summaries of the Final Fantasy games. And like Tim said, it could be a lot worse.

Susan> What are you reading?
Susan> Hey! They finally published my story!

At 5:56 AM, Blogger MinorAgentofChaos said...

like Tim & pawkeshup said, it could've been a lot worse:

Susan> The hentai was so much better.


Susan> Hey! They finally published my story!
Susan> Hmmm. They didn't draw you right...

At 5:59 AM, Blogger Sousuke said...

Umm... Dave? From now on, feel free to consult us anime freaks before you go buying stuff off ebay. XD

At 6:58 AM, Blogger KamiKaze43v3r said...


...Yes, people are sick like that. :D

At 10:10 AM, Blogger Drew said...


At 10:47 AM, Blogger Bufuman said...

Should I be ashamed that I knew exactly where this story was going when you said "doujinshi"?

Anyways, time to try my hand at making the situation worse!

Susan> What are you reading?
Susan> That reminds me, I've been wanting to try something new in the bedroom...

At 11:08 AM, Blogger Alison the Amazing Thief said...

I did some great giggly laughing reading this one. Thank you. :D

At 11:16 AM, Blogger Dyamalos said...

unfortunately, I knew where it was going too...

And I guess it wouldn't be too bad if he didn't get any yaoi, but.... hehe

At 11:27 AM, Blogger Brian said...

Rule 34. No exceptions.

At 2:42 PM, Blogger Meilin said...


...I'll buy them from you... >_>


At 4:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Obviously [GM]Dave has never seen the countless mithra futanari dojin produced by japanese FFXI fans.

You'll never look at mithra the same way after seeing that stuff.

At 4:48 PM, Blogger Linoth said...

@Atomic Skull:
FFXI Over The Top, per chance?

At 5:19 PM, Blogger quinn said...

hahaha, i probably would have fallen for the same trap if i was looking for FFXXI comics. WTF dont people label it better?

At 6:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's generally safe to assume that FFXI dojin = mithra porn.

At 7:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Dave, I never thought you would be so naive. :D
I've seen lots of worse pics.
A picture of Sepiroth 'attacking' Cloud is childsplay,
compared to lots of other bizarre Hentai fantasy that Japan has come out with.

At 7:41 PM, Blogger Shinkada said...

It's not written in the descriptions, Dave, because it's not porn. It's completely viable art and a staple of Japanese culture.


I love it when weeaboos try to dignify porn.

At 10:55 AM, Blogger Dyamalos said...

Hey... At least it wasn't a maroborl... hehe... haha.... hahahahahahahahaah...

At 2:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 3:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

[GM] Dave, next time get Futanari Fantasy XX you'll like it I promise >:)

At 3:23 PM, Blogger Linoth said...

@Atomic Skull:
I dunno, when I came across a lot of it, the majority seemed to be mithra but there was also a lot of Taru stuff. And the inevitable taru X mithra.

Not so much Elvaan or Galka. There's a fun thought. Galka porn.

At 5:24 PM, Blogger Xatticus said...

HAHAHA! Dojinshi!

That's better than the time I got my friend to Google "Yaoi"

At 6:18 PM, Blogger Nik said...

Still could've been worse, Dave.

Susan>> What are you reading?
Susan>> Hey! You were the one who bought my books?!

At 12:34 PM, Blogger Ben said...

The funny part is that I knew EXACTLY what was gonna happen when you said "Japanese reading material."

Oh, and you probably shoulda known what doujinshi meant. Even I coulda told you that.

At 1:10 PM, Blogger Xatticus said...

"Maybe I didn't notice it because IT WASN'T THERE!"

SUUUURREEEE you didn't notice it.

At 9:00 AM, Blogger Rafoie said...

So... what doujin was the one with sephiroth x cloud? o.o *shifty eyes*

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