Sunday, February 10, 2008

My New Hobby

I get bored sometimes.

We all do.

So, I decided to come up with a fun new hobby to fill those gaps between:

a) playing video games

b) drinking

c) passing out while playing video games and drinking

As a parent, however, I had to find a hobby that would suit my already hectic schedule.

And nothing that makes me sweat.

Or move too much.

Or talk to people.

Damned people.

I thought long and hard about what kind of hobby could fulfill all my needs.

Rock climbing?

That would require moving.

Also, I'm pretty sure if I'm hanging off the side of a cliff, I'm going to be sweating.

A lot.

It's a freakin' cliff.

Who the hell sees a sheer rock face and says "Hey! I could totally climb that!"?

Cliffs are God's way of telling you that it's time to stop walking. If you were supposed to go any further, there wouldn't be a big ass cliff in your way.



Uh... no.

If I ever found myself using needles to knit a sweater, I'd probably use one of them to end my own life.

I don't make my own clothes.

That's what we pay children in Malaysia for.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

Moving on.

I really needed to find a hobby that I could do around the house. Something that wasn't really time intensive, but I would still find amusing.

And that's when it hit me.

I call it "creative annoyance."

Susan calls it "OH MY GOD! YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!"

Each day, I go out of my way to do something that really pisses Susan off. But it has to be something completely random and something really small.

See, if you go too big, it leads to a big argument. That takes away the fun.

Instead, you find something so tiny that it drives them utterly crazy, but is not important enough to fight about.

It takes finesse.

Example 1: leaving the toilet seat up

This one is good, but is a little cliche.

Still, it drives them crazy and will provide a good laugh.

Example 2: forgetting to pick her up from work

Too big. Now, you're stuck in a car for twenty minutes with a yelling woman.

Good job, Forest.

Example 3: leaving your socks on the floor

I love this one. I always put them right in front of the hamper.

If I look closely enough, I can actually see her eye twitch when she picks them up.

That one kills me.

Example 4: kill her dog

What's wrong with you?!

We're trying to annoy her, you psychopath!


I think you get the idea.

For the past few days, I've been doing the same one every morning.

Day 1 :

Susan>> Honey, you left the cap off the toothpaste.
[GM]Dave>> Sorry.
Susan>> No worries. Just mentioning it.
[GM]Dave>> Okay.

Not big, right?

That's the point.

But give it a few days...

Day 2:

Susan>> Dave, you left the cap off the toothpaste again.
[GM]Dave>> Sorry.
Susan>> Try not to forget okay?
[GM]Dave>> Okay.

Day 3:

Susan>> Dave.
Susan>> You left the cap off the toothpaste.
Susan>> Again.
[GM]Dave>> Sorry.
Susan>> Put it back on from now on.
[GM]Dave>> Okay.

Day 4:

Susan>> Dammit, Dave!
Susan>> Cap!
Susan>> Toothpaste!
[GM]Dave>> Sorry.
Susan>> You're killing me.
[GM]Dave>> Okay.

Day 5:

Susan>> GODDAMMIT!!!
[GM]Dave>> Sorry.
[GM]Dave>> Okay.

I'm pretty sure she's going to have an aneurysm tomorrow.


A man needs to have a hobby.


At 6:32 PM, Blogger Grenade71822 said...

Well Good luck with that Dave. If she kills you by Sunday Get her to post what happened for you.

At 6:53 PM, Blogger Dav said...

Wow, you're my new hero! This is coming from a man who just got married too! (then again we've been together for 7 years or so, I guess it doesn't count huh?)

At 10:10 PM, Blogger Dustin said...

I love it when I find that one quote that goes with something I read:

"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
-Rita Rudner

At 10:23 PM, Blogger Kenage said...

is funny until they completely ignore it, then you need to take option 2 or 4 =P j/king.

At 1:47 AM, Blogger Berglii said...

lol.. I mean, what the hell. I nearly laughed my ass of when I read this in front of about a hundred angry college students "worth it". Great stuff

At 7:08 AM, Blogger Alison the Amazing Thief said...

grrrrr.....Curse you!!!! STOP GIVING THEM IDEAS!

At 8:23 AM, Blogger Chris said...

If you really want to cause an Aneurysm try this one: Start being immensely helpful. But in the absolute most wrong fashion possible.

"Honey...thank you for cleaning the bathtub, but next time do you think you could use an actual bathtub cleaner and not the dish soap?"

At 10:59 AM, Blogger Frog Prince said...

God Dave, you have far too much time on your hands. I always imagined your hobby was writing anonymous abusive letters to gillsellers...

At 11:07 AM, Blogger Bambii said...

The only downside to killing Susan, is that she wont be able to take care of the baby anymore. Think of the gaming time lost!

At 12:05 AM, Blogger Ben said...

I decided to check your site again after a long time away, and lo and behold, I see a shitload of new posts.

Glad to see you back for what I hope is for good.

At 8:35 AM, Blogger Staxx said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At 8:37 AM, Blogger Staxx said...

We woman can play this game to(one of my favorites too!!)

Try putting dead batteries in the remote!! then hiding all the good ones. after 20 minutes searching for new batteries, he then goes to the store and gets new ones, (missing the whole damn show he wanted to watch..hehe) new freshly batteried remote..under couch. Good Times! /sigh

At 10:15 AM, Blogger RamblingDreamer said...

So THIS is what my husband's doing. I always wondered why he leaves cheese-slice wrappers on the stove instead of throwing them away...the trash can literally sits right next to the stove. He wouldn't even have to turn to throw it out. I'm on to him now!!!


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