Thursday, January 24, 2008

I Can Has Ban?

Alternate Title: "SURPRISE!"

So, I'm sure most of you read our latest report on the bannings. We've surpassed 10,000 banned accounts.

That's a big number.

Think about that. 10,000.

You'd think this would make me happy. Usually, you'd be quite right. I do so love the bannings.

Sometimes, when I get to work, I just log in and ban someone to get my day started. You know, something to get me smiling before I start working (read: drinking).

But hitting 10,000 kind of depressed me.

It dawned on me that this was 10,000 people who were so retarded they had to play a game just to try and ruin it for others.

How does one make that decision?

I assume it involves a severe blow to the head.

You're probably wondering why I don't just give it all up, just walk away and find another job.

I'll tell you the same thing I told that intervention.

I'm no quitter.

Still, hitting the ten thousand mile marker on the road to brain dysfunction had me questioning my place in the world.

Now, that was bad enough. I'm in the middle of some form of existential crisis (which is a really bad thing if it's 9:30 am and you're only half drunk), when I hear that all too familiar ding sound.

For a moment, I close my eyes and pray that it's actually an aneurysm in my brain about to kill me.

I guarantee that it will make the same sound.

But, when I finally open my eyes, I see the GM call floating in the middle of my screen.

Joy.

GM Call Description: Can't access account. Did I get banned?

Now, I instantly notice something here.

He phrased it as a question.

"Did I get banned?"

The fact that he phrased it that way immediately tells me several things:

a) of course he got banned

b) he obviously deserved it

c) he already knows both a) and b)

d) his mother probably dropped him as a child

No one asks that question unless they know it's a possibility. And no one assumes that's a possibility unless they've done something to make it a possibility.

Every time we run one of our ban sweeps, we get a veritable short bus full of GM calls from people who know they got banned and yet act remarkably surprised.

It's like catching someone in a bank vault wearing a ski mask and them saying "Wait... Am I under arrest?"

I am immediately struck by the overwhelming urge to talk to this person, to hear them try and explain this logically.

Actually... I am immediately struck by the overwhelming urge to fly to this person's house and slap them in the face with a sock full of nickels.

Beat some sense into them.

See what I did there?

As I was sadly lacking in nickels, I decided to talk to this person, to hear them try and explain this logically.

Operative word: try.

Still, it might be amusing.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I see you can't access your account.
Player>> Yeah.
Player>> I had to log in using my roommate's account.
[GM]Dave>> Do you have any idea why you can't log in?
Player>> Did I get banned?
[GM]Dave>> Hold on one second.
[GM]Dave>> We have to run through a whole troubleshooting thing.
Player>> Okay...
[GM]Dave>> Are all of your network cables connected properly?
Player>> Well, yeah.
Player>> I was able to log in using this account.
[GM]Dave>> Please, sir. We have to check these things.
[GM]Dave>> Could you check those cables for me now?
Player>> ... I guess.

Minutes tick by.

Player>> Yeah, they're all plugged in properly.
[GM]Dave>> Excellent.
[GM]Dave>> Now, can you see your modem?
Player>> Yeah.
Player>> All the lights are on.
[GM]Dave>> Is the power light on?
Player>> All the lights are on.
[GM]Dave>> Okay.
[GM]Dave>> Is the DSL light on?
Player>> All the lights are on.
[GM]Dave>> So, it's on?
Player>> Yes.
Player>> They're all on.
[GM]Dave>> You're sure the DSL light is on?
Player>> All the lights are on.
[GM]Dave>> It's usually labeled DSL.
Player>> I know.
Player>> It's on.
Player>> All the lights are on!
[GM]Dave>> Okay...
[GM]Dave>> That's good.
[GM]Dave>> So, it's on then?
Player>> IT'S ON!
Player>> ALL THE LIGHTS ARE ON!
[GM]Dave>> Excellent.
[GM]Dave>> The troubleshooting menu is telling me...
[GM]Dave>> You should be able to log in normally.
[GM]Dave>> Go try again.
Player>> FINALLY!
Player>> Thank you.

Minutes tick by.

Wait for it...

*DING!*

GM Call Description: STILL CAN'T LOG IN!

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you can't log in.
Player>> It didn't work.
Player>> I still can't access my account.
[GM]Dave>> I know.
[GM]Dave>> You were banned.
Player>> THEN WHY DID YOU MAKE ME DO ALL THAT?!
[GM]Dave>> Well...
[GM]Dave>> You were pretending you didn't know you were banned.
[GM]Dave>> I decided to play along.
Player>> WHAT?!
[GM]Dave>> I like pretending.
Player>> WHY DID I GET BANNED?
[GM]Dave>> Did you do anything against the rules?
Player>> I did use a fish bot.
[GM]Dave>> Uh huh.
Player>> But I didn't know what it was.
[GM]Dave>> Is your DSL light on?
Player>> STOP THAT!
[GM]Dave>> Sorry.
[GM]Dave>> Thought we were pretending again.
Player>> This is ridiculous.
Player>> There must be something you can do.
[GM]Dave>> There certainly is.
Player>> Really?
[GM]Dave>> Sure.
[GM]Dave>> I'll just ban your roommate's account.
Player>> WHAT?!
Player>> WHY?!
[GM]Dave>> Safety precaution, sir.
[GM]Dave>> Your stupidity could be contagious.
Player>> YOU CAN'T DO THAT!
[GM]Dave>> There you go pretending again.
[GM]Dave>> Could you do one last thing for me though?
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> Could you ask your roommate to act surprised?
[GM]Dave>> This is fun.
Player>> THIS IS NOT FUN!
[GM]Dave>> Well, not for you.
[GM]Dave>> It's a lot funnier if you didn't just get banned.
[GM]Dave>> And your character wasn't dancing naked in Whitegate.
Player>> WHAT?!
[GM]Dave>>
From this side, it's hi-goddamn-larious.
[GM]Dave>> Is there anything else I can help you with today?

Listen. You cheat, you get caught.

That's life.

But please stop acting surprised when you get banned. It only makes you look that much more retarded.

If that was possible.

19 Comments:

At 11:24 PM, Blogger Alson said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 12:27 AM, Blogger RSS adder said...

Player>> I did use a fish bot.
[GM]Dave>> Uh huh.
Player>> But I didn't know what it was.
[GM]Dave>> Is your DSL light on?
Player>> STOP THAT!

and

[GM]Dave>> I'll just ban your roommate's account.
Player>> WHAT?!
Player>> WHY?!
[GM]Dave>> Safety precaution, sir.
[GM]Dave>> Your stupidity could be contagious.

Thats what made me lol hard.

Excellent riposte [GM]Dave. Keep em coming!

 
At 4:47 AM, Blogger Grenade71822 said...

Some people just need to get beat with a sock full of nickels until they have the brain aneurysm and then they can here the ding sound.

 
At 6:31 AM, Blogger greg ^^ said...

I love GM Dave <333

 
At 1:12 PM, Blogger MinorAgentofChaos said...

He's back! He's back! The Man Is Back!

:thrusts fist in air:
:headbangs:

 
At 8:27 PM, Blogger Zell said...

[GM]Dave,

FINALLY!!! You're back! Took you forever to update your blog, didn't ya? Glad you didn't give up on this hi-goddamn-larious blog.

P.S.: Eagerly awaiting more stories featuring Jormy.

 
At 8:29 PM, Blogger Zell said...

& Susan, for that matter.

 
At 9:21 PM, Blogger Jaszon said...

GLEEE more [GM]Dave'y'ness

sweet.

hope your little Rat is doing well

 
At 1:30 AM, Blogger PiNG said...

As always, real fun reading your blog :P Good to see you post again!

 
At 8:49 AM, Blogger Paul said...

Awesome, [GM]Dave. Hope you write more, and please, PLEASE put some Jormy love in.


P.S. Screw Tiamat.

 
At 3:05 PM, Blogger n said...

Dave's back!

 
At 2:59 PM, Blogger GrĂ­mur said...

Whoah, another story! Hope you start writing more often, check here regularily.

"Is your DSL light on?"

 
At 8:42 AM, Blogger Kyle said...

"But I didn't know what it was" A bot a a program that plays you game for oyu, right? So the story is this guy turn on his account clicked on a stick he just saw lying on the ground of his desktop, and walked away for hours....

only to come back flabberghasted that a program had went and done all this fishing for him! Outrageous!

You've got to be kidding me.

 
At 4:51 PM, Blogger Cameron said...

thanks for coming back, we sure missed you!

 
At 4:17 PM, Blogger Night said...

Player>> WHY DID I GET BANNED?
[GM]Dave>> Did you do anything against the rules?
Player>> I did use a fish bot.
[GM]Dave>> Uh huh.
Player>> But I didn't know what it was.
[GM]Dave>> Is your DSL light on?
Player>> STOP THAT!
[GM]Dave>> Sorry.
[GM]Dave>> Thought we were pretending again


LMAO

 
At 6:16 PM, Blogger kalya said...

It's one thing for a customer to trip the ToS and lose priveledges, but it's quite another for a GM to act like a complete ass and use his own privs as a meduim to do so, and only for the lulz.

Dave, if you want your lulz, go get a real job and pull that crap with a confused customer, pretending or otherwise.

 
At 9:04 PM, Blogger Linoth said...

@kalya
"Definitions of satire on the Web:
sarcasm: witty language used to convey insults or scorn; "he used sarcasm to upset his opponent"; "irony is wasted on the stupid"; "Satire is a ..."

"Definitions of fictional on the Web:
fabricated: formed or conceived by the imagination; "a fabricated excuse for his absence"; "a fancied wrong"; "a fictional character"; "used fictitious names"; "a made-up story""

"Definitions of humor on the Web:
wit: the trait of appreciating (and being able to express) the humorous; "she didn't appreciate my humor"; "you can't survive in the army without a sense of humor""

 
At 5:29 PM, Blogger Alison the Amazing Thief said...

This was good classic Dave stuff and I loved it. Made me feel much better after reading the one about the lot/steal thing. It got me a bit rilled up. Yeah I'm reading from newest to oldest to catch up. I love the pleasant little surprised in life like a whole slew of GM Dave posts I haven't enjoyed yet. Thanks for the gleeful giggles I get from banning stories. <3

 
At 12:50 AM, Blogger Ataka said...

Ugh, someone remove Kayla's post pls. Self-righteous fun-spoiling idiots like that annoy me so much.

She'll have us eating no meat, having sex only after marriage, and being best friends with trees next ; ;

Sorry.

 

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