Bannable Offenses

[GM]Dave Evades.

That was close.

So I forgot Valentine's Day.

As I believe I mentioned, that was bad.

Luckily, I was able to remedy the situation.

This should be readily apparent as I am not making this update from a hospital bed.

I was sat at work, a cold sweat breaking out on my forehead, when I realized there was still time to fix the situation before it got any worse.

Just in case that didn't work, I took a moment to make sure my medical insurance was up to date.

Rather than running blindly from store to store, I sat down and made a list of potential gifts.

1) lingerie

No.

No, no, no.

This is not a gift for women.

They know that.

Nothing about buying a woman a piece of floss to wear in their most intimate of regions even comes close to being romantic.

And before you say you could buy something classy, I want you to think about what would happen in that lingerie store.

It'd be like going to a steakhouse and ordering a salad.

We both know your definition of classy and hers will not match up, and that you will buy something stupid.

No.

2) pajamas

Also bad.

Pajamas basically say "I was totally shopping for something slutty looking, but decided this was more likely to get me laid."

Pajamas are a nice gift. But for Valentine's Day, it's going to look a little too suspicious.

Now, you're not getting laid AND she's not going to wear anything slutty looking.

Good job.

3) clothes

Also a no.

It doesn't matter what you pick out. She could tell you exactly what she's looking for and you will still get it wrong.

Women pick out clothes. That is the law of the jungle.

If you buy her clothes, she will nod politely and then ask you for the receipt to return them and get some pajamas.

4) jewelry

Not a bad gift, but you have to be careful.

Buying jewelry sets a bad precedent. As the relationship goes on, she will expect the jewelry to become more extravagant.

Congratulations, you're in a relationship and are now homeless.

5) a teddy bear

What are you? Seven?

I was honestly lost. I had no clue what to buy for her.

I figured my best course of action would be to bite the bullet and just tell her the truth. Rather than half-ass a gift and have her get mad anyway, at least this saves me from shopping.

On my way home, I decided to stop and get her a rose. Not an actual gift, but it should help easy the blow.

On a whim, I decided to get a rose for my daughter, too.

As I walked in, my little girl ran up and hugged my leg. I leaned down and gave her the rose and wished her a happy Valentine's Day.

Susan>> Oh my God.
Susan>> That is just the sweetest thing I've ever seen.
Susan>> I couldn't ask for a better Valentine.

...

Some days, my luck even amazes me.

[GM]Dave>> You're the best Valentine I could ask for.
Susan>> Really?
Susan>> Because I bought something really small and uncomfortable.

A good man would have owned up to his mistakes and told her the truth.

If you see a good man anywhere, you tell him I'm over here having hot freaky Valentine's sex.

posted by Goblin Smithy @ 7:56 PM