Wednesday, August 15, 2007

HELP ME!

Seriously. One of you call the police. Right now.

I've been kidnapped.

...

Why aren't you dialing? Don't you believe me?

What have I ever done to make you think I can't be trusted?

Oh...

Yeah...

The constant lying...

Fine, fine. I haven't been kidnapped.

Well... not exactly.

Susan had the baby.

You know, if I think REAL hard, I can remember what sleep was like. Getting to just lie down and not move for entire minutes.

Or even hours.

Man, that takes me back.

(Writer's note: Experienced parents no doubt found that last part very funny. People without children may have giggled. New parents are no doubt weeping uncontrollably.)

When last we met, Susan was on the verge of producing my heir. Things were good. We were both happy and were on top of the world with anticipation.

Just a few days later, Susan went into labor.

Think Dynamis is exciting? Imagine watching a gallon of liquid fall out of your loved one right in the middle of a pull.

That'll mess up your refresh cycle, let me tell ya.

So we rush to the hospital. And I mean rush. My tires might have touched the road once the whole trip.

We screech up to the emergency room and I dash in to find a wheelchair.

It then occurs to me that I should get one for Susan.

It then occurs to me that I should also get her out of the car.

She didn't find that part funny.

Women.

Anyway, I dash back into the hospital (with the pregnant lady this time) and start yelling for doctors. No, not asking. I was yelling.

I'm sure some dads can calmly walk into the hospital doing breathing techniques and soothing their partner.

Does that sound even remotely like me?

I grab the first person I see in scrubs and immediately demand that they help my wife.

It was then I was told that the janitorial staff are not allowed to deliver babies.

Eventually, a group of nurses managed to calm me down (read: threaten me with legal action) and made sure Susan was okay.

And thus began our arduous 20 hour ordeal some obviously insane people refer to as "the miracle of birth".

20 hours of watching a woman scream in pain and threaten to do severe damage to your most cherished body parts is not a miracle.

Unless you're into that sort of thing.

Now, I was right there with her. I was strong and supportive, and I made sure I was doing as much as I could.

That lasted about 2 hours.

Note to soon to be fathers: DO NOT under any circumstances suggest you could have finished that Dynamis run.

By hour 5, I was starting to wear out. I was still supportive, but in more of a "I'll sit over here where you can't hit me" kind of way.

I should also point out that we haven't seen a doctor up to this point. Nurses pretty much did it all.

As we neared the end and I thought I'd seen just about everything, the actual doctor showed up.

He seemed nice. A moderately tall, middle-aged man. Almost entirely ordinary.

That is if you ignored his massive hands.

Seriously, it looked like he was wearing baseball gloves. I didn't know if he was going to deliver the baby or just pick Susan up and squeeze the baby out.

Personally, the idea of someone putting hands that large anywhere near my junk frightens me. I assumed Susan would be equally frightened.

Apparently, 20 hours of someone trying to punch their way through your cervix can change your perspective on things. She started begging the man to just pull the child out of her.

The doc "felt around" and gave us the bad news.

C section.

For those of you who don't know what that is, thank whatever god you believe in. Close the window right now and go play a game and forget I ever mentioned a C section.

Okay, those of you still with me...

They took her into an operating room and had me get suited up in scrubs and hospital gear. Then they stuck me alone in a room for 15 minutes.

You know what's fun? Having the woman you love taken to some strange operating room and getting to spend 15 minutes not knowing what the hell is happening to her or your baby.

Tomorrow, I think I'm going to kick a doctor in the balls.

When they finally took me to the operating room, they had her laid out on a table with a blanket up so I couldn't see below her neck.

I have no idea what they were doing on the other side of that blanket and there wasn't enough money in the world to make me look. They could have been changing her spark plugs for all I knew.

In case you've never gone through this (and were still stupid enough to keep reading), this is the part where they cut the mother open and then yank the kid out through her stomach.

Imagine that scene from Alien except at the end, you get a bill.

This is a scary moment. They are literally elbow deep in a person you a quite fond of. Bad things could happen. I was scared out of my mind.

Also, everything in the room is making beeps and noises. Man, nothing calms you down in that situation like hearing a machine go Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooop because it ran out of toner or something.

Finally, after a seeming eternity, I heard my baby cry. The doctors looked up, smiled, and told us everything was okay.

[GM]Dave>> See, Susan?
[GM]Dave>> That wasn't so bad.

You know, if I think REAL hard, I can remember what it was like to have testicles.

48 Comments:

At 5:37 PM, Blogger Rachael said...

I am so glad you are back and I would have done the same thing she did if you acted that way to me. anyways what the heck was the baby..i mean was it a boy or girl?? ok well send susan the best.

 
At 5:57 PM, Blogger Jyon said...

Congrats to you and Susan on your kid. Hope that same doctor who delivered your kid doesn't perform a prostate exam on you.

 
At 6:27 PM, Blogger Naa said...

Welcome back! Missed your entries.

Congrats on the baby. Was it a boy or girl (me thinks a girl, you'd be crowing if it was a boy ^_^ but I'm partial to girls I have 2).

I don't expect many entries in the future; newborns are the rulers of the house, ordering their parents around with their various cries while the parents try to decipher what it is their master wants.

Ah, I am so glad I’m way past that point.

Once again congrats and you better give Susan something to appreciate giving birth to your heir. I’m sure no more are coming in the near future ^_^

 
At 8:13 PM, Blogger J-Watt said...

Congratulations on having your baby! I'm assuming you're home from the hospital now, or you wouldn't know about the lack of sleep thing other than from stories.

Sorry to hear Susan needed a c section. That's rough.

Good luck with the child rearing and such.

 
At 8:14 PM, Blogger Chris said...

Let's hope that your spawn are as ruthlessly efficient at destroying retarded players as you are.

 
At 9:27 PM, Blogger nutznbotlz2003 said...

Congrats and welcome back. My wife had to have a C section as well, after 11 hours on petocin. Not the most pleasant of circumstances. Of course, my wife had me watch what was going on so I could relay it all to her...never again!

Good luck with parenthood!

 
At 9:34 PM, Blogger John said...

I can't wait to hear the tales of the GM-in-training. I wonder how it feels to have your kid banning you from sleep?

 
At 10:36 PM, Blogger Jaszon said...

grats dave! I'm we sure can look forward to more jormy fun in about 18 years when you kick the lil guy (or girl) out on his own ;>

I'd say enjoy yourself but that wont come around again for awhile... enjoy 'the experience' as much as you can :p

give Susan a /cheer for us

 
At 10:55 PM, Blogger Lesario said...

Heh yeah isn't the miracle of birth fun.... and children joyous except when they are screaming, crying, asking for the latest toy they saw or when you are hung over and they decide 6am is when they want to jump on your bed....

Congratulations though.

I'll point out though you missed out a little bit on the C section.... they take out certain things place them on a tray then remove the baby.... my partner has been through it twice first time she set the machines off so much they had to turn them off second time she was told to stop laughing so they could sew her up.

Be thankful for that screen though I had it up both times...second time some stupid person put something reflective in my view....I was glad I hadn't eaten yet that day.


Well congratulations again to you and susan. enjoy them while they are young before long you'll find not only are you tired but you are broke.

 
At 11:02 PM, Blogger Vrej said...

[GM]Dave has graced the blog again! Finally he returns!

But about the c section and all, that must be one of the most frightening experiences a father can have but I guess you managed to pull through it. Good job.

Please tell us if it is a boy or a girl (I guess it better be a boy lol).

 
At 12:05 AM, Blogger Dennis said...

{Congratulations} and {Welcome Back!}

You actually made my lol at work again, and I thank you for that.

Enjoy the kid, they'll grow up so fast, it just isn't fun anymore.

 
At 2:07 AM, Blogger Maria said...

You have to pay? You seriusly have to PAY to deliver a baby? What kind of fucked up place do you live in? Shees!

And congrats on the kid.

 
At 3:17 AM, Blogger Wojciech said...

Good to know you're back... or are you? Dun-dun-duuuunnn!

 
At 8:07 AM, Blogger Conor said...

DDDDAAAAAAAAVVVVVVVEEEEEE

Congrats bud.

 
At 10:07 AM, Blogger Galdy said...

Welcome back! Congratulations to you all, mother, father and tyrant.

^^ Good to see all these other folks were also making pathetically hopeful regular visits to see if [GM]Dave had yet reappeared from the depths of the dungeon of impending and emergent parenthood to grace us with that marvelous wit.

 
At 10:48 AM, Blogger Freedom III said...

Pathetically hopeful? How about just plain bored after 8 hours of calculus?

Anyway, grats on the kid...hope it (it for now, seeing as you haven't told us whether it's a boy or girl) doesn't cry too much...

 
At 11:54 AM, Blogger Thuong said...

Hey dave congrats man, your 9 month culmination paid off, hey you didn't say, what did you and Susuan decide to name the baby?

 
At 12:01 PM, Blogger Kyle said...

Congratulations on the baby. Sorry to hear about the dificult time expelling the new organism.

TODAY is the day that I decided would be my last almost-daily check for an update, that I would slow to a weekly check.

 
At 3:55 PM, Blogger fredric said...

Welcome back Dave! Hope you write again soon although it is obviously not to be expected. Like everyone else said: How's susan? Is it a boy or a girl? What will you name it?

Yay Dave's back!

 
At 6:39 PM, Blogger Angelica said...

Congrats. I know what Susan went through, I have the battle scar to prove it.

Sleep. Do you have it? Reward 800k.

 
At 9:05 PM, Blogger Rob said...

Congratulations to you and Susan! It gets worse when they become mobile. Just a heads up on that. And when they talk. And when they ask for things. And when they break things. And when they flush things down the toilet. And when they eat things (including soap and bugs). Thank god you're a patient man.... oh... wait.

 
At 10:48 PM, Blogger Argentos of Windurst said...

^_^

Hooray for you guys!

 
At 1:30 AM, Blogger Nitpicker said...

Hey Dave ...

congrats for all the good work (also to Susan)

I knew it would be worth to have a look here every few weeks.

So you're back !

I hope it won't be that long next time ...

 
At 6:48 AM, Blogger Sechakecha said...

Congrats, to you and Susan Dave!! So what are the stats?! Inquiring minds want to know!!

 
At 3:34 PM, Blogger Jillian said...

New parents are no doubt weeping uncontrollably.

;-; sleep? what is this sleep you speak of? (i've got a 5 mnth old)


And eewww c-section SO glad I was only in labor for 30 minutes. Besides them being dumb enough to give me a button to release more drugs through the IV... I was happy the whole damn time :D

 
At 3:58 PM, Blogger Winters Dance said...

Grats on the kid you bastard :)

 
At 9:40 PM, Blogger Scott said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 9:41 PM, Blogger Scott said...

Should really save the grats for 18 years from now when the kid is out of the house... ya know what I mean. Although then it'll be more like 'congratulations on keeping your sanity.' :)

 
At 7:01 AM, Blogger Gunnar said...

Congrats, Dave. Let's hope you, Susan and the baby are doing fine. (The sleeping depravation aside, of course)

Nice to have you back with us, even for just one episode.

Kind regards.

/ G

 
At 11:20 AM, Blogger Hawklord2112 said...

congratulations!

c-sections are nasty. my boy was born elective c-section - he'd gone breech - and i made the mistake of *looking over the curtain* and seeing my then-wife's innards.

no wonder i now hate her guts.

bad puns all round. but in truth, congratulations again.

 
At 1:51 PM, Blogger Calvin said...

YES! The almighty Dave is back. How's the baby? He or she? Send grats to Susan for me!

 
At 11:09 PM, Blogger Meow Lewis said...

Congrats, babe. I hope that you and Susan are doing alright. I can't wait to read your work again, but that will probably come when the screaming starts to slow.

And trust me, you will know what sleep is again soon. You'll love to sleep for the first time after the first year. I kid, I kid. Congrats again, and good luck. Hope Susan heals well from her surgery. Give her our regards.

 
At 4:55 AM, Blogger Shinkada said...

Yeesh, what an ordeal. Another reminder why I just plain don't want kids. ;3 Good job with all the junk, and good luck for the future junk. There'll probably be at least a few people still bumming around if and when you finally get back into posting. We might be waiting a while, though. =P

 
At 8:40 AM, Blogger Grenade71822 said...

Congratulations Dave. Know all you have to do is spend the next 20 something years trying to teach your kid that when you get older I get to pay you back. And hope that your child becomes a Brain Surgeon or Some other job that pays really well.

 
At 3:29 PM, Blogger missy said...

congrats to you + susan! thanks for the update.

 
At 9:58 PM, Blogger Dustin said...

omg,that takes me back to when my wife had my son. i decided i was going to stop playing ffxi for the night and head off to bed at 6:30am when my phone rings. it was my wife calling in tears cuz her water broke and she was in labor.

wow, i didn't get any sleep for about 48 hours.

here, i have an image of what i looked like :)

Image

man, that was a trip!

 
At 1:52 AM, Blogger Nitpicker said...

Heya Ho yer, @ll

It's a girl, you know !?

It's older than you would believe !?

Read my Tao, you Dyn ...

All others stay retarded ...

 
At 6:00 AM, Blogger Halvtand said...

Yay, Dave is back again too chew gum and kick ass

 
At 6:41 AM, Blogger Debra said...

OMG you are too funny! Glad she didn't take you out for good! I've been there done that three time (without the C-section) and believe me, at the time, I was praying for a C-section. "Take it out!! For God's sake, take it out!!" Thankfully, God has a way of providing us with hormones that reduce our ability to remember those 'births', otherwise there would be no children...ever. none.

Congrats to you and your wife!! Waiting for pictures!!

 
At 7:52 AM, Blogger Rocky said...

Congratulations! Guess we can expect your attitude to just get "peachier". Look for more Jorm food until he/she gets to be 8-9 months. Being the sensitive guy you have shown us I'm surprised you're even losing sleep :-)

Really, congratulations. Kids are awesome until they hit 13.

 
At 3:34 PM, Blogger Kara said...

Congratulations!!! Not only on sharing with us the annoucement of your bundle of joy. But also reminding me why I don't ever want to be in labor!!! :D

 
At 12:01 AM, Blogger Pieter said...

Welcome back, Dave, and congratulations on the baby.
Hope you all be fine.

 
At 12:48 PM, Blogger Tatsuko said...

/shakes head

Dave....

wife>husband....

LOL now you know why traditionally husbands just waiting in the waiting room! You sound worn out from all your running about and attacking defenseless janitors... just imagine how tired your poor wife must have felt like at the end of the ordeal.

Sleep no longer exists. Calm no longer exists. Even when she is grown and married with kids - calm will not exists.

Oh and as a mom that plays FFXI with her teenage son... make a mental note that you CAN cross the little one over to the darkside! Just start your kid off early with a t-shirt that says "I hate RMT"!

 
At 7:54 AM, Blogger J-Watt said...

Ahh, a girl. You'll be in the swing of it in no time, Dave. The joys of unicorn birthdays parties and shopping for the latest puke-and-poop doll are yours for the taking. :)

 
At 10:48 PM, Blogger Guankim said...

CONGRATS, and welcome back...now I'll expect a post once every 5 months or so. That way, you have time to get 2 hours sleep :)

 
At 6:28 AM, Blogger Evan said...

*looks at his 13-month-old daughter*

Been there, done that, welcome to the club. :)

 
At 8:32 PM, Blogger Alison the Amazing Thief said...

Congratulations you both. <3

 
At 2:16 PM, Blogger payyn21 said...

;;;>.< grats. i had a csection x2 >.<
due to majr complications..their tuff..i died on teh first time but was brought bac. yaaay. then 7 monthes ago had another, but i pulled throught :) grats again [GM]Dave ^^

 

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