Wednesday, August 22, 2007

My Heir!

My young heir grows stronger each and every day. Soon, we shall rule as father and son.

Hopefully, I won't have to chop his hand off.

My son is so incredibly cute. Possibly the cutest baby ever. I realize every parent says that, but screw them. Let them get their own mildly popular, mildly funny blog.

I think he looks like me. He's got my eyes and my hair.

Possibly my nose.

Unfortunately, he's got his mother's vagina.

I'll give you a second.

Yes, we had a girl.

What exactly am I going to do with a girl? I don't have anything to teach a girl. What the hell do girls do anyway?

Also, and this is for the benefit of the guys in the audience, I had the doctor do a very thorough examination of Susan's uterus right after the baby came out.

We were right. Women don't come with a manual.

Honestly, I'm just at a loss. I can barely handle the woman I've got and now they're double teaming me.

It's a conspiracy, I tell ya.

Maybe... Maybe I can learn from this one. Maybe since I've been given a starter kit, I'll get some inside view into the mind of a woman, something that might help me understand them.

Or maybe I'll end up in a mental ward holding a Barbie doll and crying incessantly.

No, I'm over-reacting. Everything is going to be okay.

Right?

Right?

Dammit. I'm screwed.

34 Comments:

At 7:26 PM, Blogger Gunnar said...

Please stay with us, Dave. With you in the looney bin, the sweet world of Vana'Diel will be overcome by RMTs, retards and the likes of them.

Hope you're back to stay.

Kind Regards.

/ G

 
At 7:37 PM, Blogger Rachael said...

of course you would be the one to have the girl. serves you right...karma's a bitch. well congrats anyways. oh and have you bought the rifle yet?! lol

 
At 9:52 PM, Blogger Jon said...

Congrats and keep us up to date on your learnings of the female mind.

 
At 10:13 PM, Blogger Dyamalos said...

I can see it now, guy comes over to pick up your daughter for a date and the first thing you'll do is suspect him of RMT, Hacking, etc... Better start working on a way to make dragons a reality....

 
At 11:42 PM, Blogger Jaszon said...

Poor dave, outnumbered, out gunned.

 
At 9:38 AM, Blogger I Wear Pants 06 said...

hm... i think dyamalos may be right...

better ban him.

 
At 9:47 AM, Blogger Eris said...

No... see, you misunderstand. Boys are heirs, i.e. competition, and trouble. Girls are princesses, i.e. coconspirators and a fool-proof way to ger out of any trouble ever with the old lady.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart, but little SusieSweetPants just had to have the newest, most expensive computer system ever. We don't want her to miss out, do we?"

Besides, girls have better poker faces.

eris

 
At 2:05 AM, Blogger Apalaid said...

Congratulations Dave.

Thou Im not a parent, I do understand you are going through a tough time.

Nothing will be like before, but it can be better.

At least, tell us her name.

Please?

 
At 3:12 AM, Blogger Jeffery RLC said...

Well you still have FFXI right? Things can't be that bad... Just take your anger out on some retard at work. And then you can teach your daughter the evils of stupidity and RMT.

 
At 8:28 AM, Blogger gamergrrl said...

how the goddess's smile
it would have been much to simple dave..to hand you a boy.
settle into it.
you are doomed.
with a smile she will win you over, each and every time.
with a tear she will rip apart your wallet..and you will hand it all over to her.
you will learn to pour tea rather than teach her about war games.
you will see that pink can work with your skin tones.
she will lift a corner of her mouth in a half grin and you will run to buy the next accessory for her barbie.
you will find yourself gazing at the silly little dresses in store windows wondering if they will bring her joy.
or perhaps she will be a tomboy.
each time she climbs a tree your breath will catch.
when she jumps off the sofa your heart will stop.
when she asks you what daddy is playing on his computer, you will cry with joy.

both ways work

congratulations sir.

 
At 12:36 PM, Blogger Tatsuko said...

There is nothing you can do. Resistance is futile. Your women shall rule your world. Ready your armour for when "Daddy's Girl" bats her eyelashes and casts "Charm". Ready your shotgun for the unsuspecting rogues that shall frequent your doorstep in an attempt to "teach" your daughter some new tricks. Ready your survival kit now! Aspirin, commander to low-jack that cute sports car you will buy her, and work on your smithing skills. You will require Veteran level skills to craft that HQ Chastity Belt!

/bow

 
At 3:56 PM, Blogger Jillian said...

Nono dave see... women look cute and innocent. it's how we get away with things.

So your cute innocent looking heir can take over the world easily... and nobody would ever suspect it ^_^

 
At 11:41 PM, Blogger crystal said...

Having a starter kit woman, is like having furniture that you have to assemble, but all the directions are in Japanese, and the pictures make no sense... Just know, no matter how it works, you'll probably end up wrapped around her pinkie. ^_^

But at least you're prepared, buy the shotgun now, make sure the closet has secure locks on it for when she turns 14, and get to know a cop so you can run a background check on all her "potential suitors."

And Jillian is exactly right, cute and innocent is what nobody suspects, she'll make a fine ruler I'm sure.

 
At 5:42 AM, Blogger Nigelandbecka said...

Oh my God. Take the cunning evil mind of GM Dave and put it into the body of a young female.

Forget Vanadiel... the world will not be safe!

Well, at least we have 18 years in which to prepare ourselves.

Welcome back, Dave... we were all starting to worry 'bout ya.

 
At 12:41 PM, Blogger Erika said...

[GM]Dave has turned into a mushy daddy! How cute! We all know the how the effects of a baby has on it's parents. [GM]Dave will never be the same again!

Congratulations, btw! ^_^

 
At 5:42 PM, Blogger Rob said...

Aw, it's not so bad. Have two girls myself, they're gems. And think about it, instead of ABCs, she'll be reciting the elemental wheel.

 
At 12:49 AM, Blogger Chaotic Neutral WHM said...

Congrats on the little one Dave!!! I hope you didn't name her Taru-style. You were definately missed but the baby is an excellant reason! :-) Hope all is well with Susan too.

Should change the Support GM Dave link to Diaper Fund though. You're gonna need it.

 
At 7:54 AM, Blogger J-Watt said...

Ahh, a girl. You'll be in the swing of it in no time, Dave. The joys of unicorn birthdays parties and shopping for the latest puke-and-poop doll are yours for the taking. :)

 
At 1:27 PM, Blogger Atira said...

Congratulations on your daughter :D Don't worry; we're not all so bad. Some of us grow up to be WoW players :) Wait...there's a contradiction there somewhere...

 
At 7:42 PM, Blogger Shinkada said...

A FFXI addict and GM, trying to deal with both the game and parenthood... This has very nice potential. Since tomboys kick ass, really the only difference between a girlchild and boychild is that you feed the girl less. Their metabolism's ain't the best y'know.

 
At 8:17 AM, Blogger Bleu said...

Congratulations Dave and Susan! ^_^

 
At 5:51 PM, Blogger Abraham said...

ah congrats on your little baby boy with a vagina
i just can't wait to see what happens when your little girl becomes 18 and some guy comes to pick her up for prom

 
At 5:01 AM, Blogger Nick said...

Dave, don't worry! All you have to do is raise your Heir as if it had a penis. If you keep reenforcing that into it's head, it'll work out!

Good luck with your Heir.

~Nick~

PS: Glad to have you back. Something to look forwards to every now and again. XP

 
At 9:04 AM, Blogger RamblingDreamer said...

*Nods* Sleep. I had sleep once. Then I had a baby. That was over a year ago (she was born on 8/2/06). I still haven't caught up on my rest, and sitting down is a thing of the past. I feel your pain.

Just wait until she starts to walk. You think you've got it bad NOW. Woo!

Little girls are a joy. I'm sure she'll be Daddy's Girl in no time, if she's not already.

Congratulations to you both.

(S: C-sections blow. I know from experience - I had one, too. (Luckily mine was scheduled, so I got to miss the 20 hour pain marathon. But needles in the back suck. Hard.) Hope the little woman is healing well.

 
At 7:19 PM, Blogger Mishkah said...

You better not let her go all Paris Hilton on you. Remind her she has a GM for a father.
Whatever that means.
Congrats \m/

 
At 11:52 PM, Blogger Chaz said...

Congratulations man. I know I'm a little late, but still. Take your time, enjoy what you can, and 20 years from now keep her away from guys like me

 
At 9:16 PM, Blogger YumeMei said...

Awww.

I can't wait to hear more about your daughter, Your Excellency.

 
At 2:11 PM, Blogger Sarthak said...

Congratulations on the baby. I read your abso-bleeding-lutely hilarious blog every now and then, so I decided to just wish you and your family a good time. But by all means, keep blogging, you redefine humor!
PS: Thanks for confirming that women don't come with a manual. While its depressing, I was seriously considering asking my girlfriend about it, regardless of personal safety hazards.

 
At 11:49 PM, Blogger Tycooner said...

I haven't stopped in for a while. Work has a way of getting in the way of my favorite read.

I stopped in here today while talking to a friend about comedy and a good gut busting laugh and introduced him to your blog.

What I read today put a real smile on my face and gave me another gut busting laugh.

Daddy you are in for the ride of your life so get yourself and real good quality life preserver because you're going to need it.

Here's what the next 5 years have in store for you.

0-1 - many sleeples nights with crying and not toally understanding what those cries mean because you're brand new to the experience of being a daddy.

1-2 - lock down everything. Stash the square edged occasional tables or they will become round edged from the bumps along the road to year 2.

2-3 - these are the years of the TERRIBLE TWO's - walking, potty training for some if ready - bowls of Susan's best prepared spaghetti over this precious little ones head by her own hand. Fits of temper sometimes where mom & dad get the worst injuries from flying objects launched in their direction. And the discovery of the word NO. Not for their understanding of it but of their use of it for everything you want them to do.

3-4 These are the years of the Mischievious Threes. Button pushing of all kinds will happen in this 12 months and believe it or not they really learn how to play mommy against daddy and visa vesa. Like to watch a good ball game on TV while attempting to have that few minutes peace and quiet? Think again as she hits the off switch in the middle of an unbelievable play as she runs past the TV chasing the cat.

4-5 - Last of the baby years for her is the FEARSOME FOURS. This is the time when she leaves the confines of the home for her first ventures out in the world without mom or dad glued to her every move.
School is now going to give her some of her education and add to what she has learned so far.

Look out dad this is the begining of the phrase " I'm a big girl now'

Load that shotgun now and keep it at the ready because when you blink she'll be a teenager with a bunch of ruffians chasing her up the sidewalk to the front door.

Better let Jormy thin down a little up to this point because I can guarentee he'll be overfed for the next 10 or so years until she finds, or you let her find, that one special guy that you became for Susan.

Now that you have a little insight into what is ahead of you in the future of fatherhood! Let me say Congrats to both you and Susan and while I made it sound like a horror story, this little bundle of delight you and Susan now spend most of your time enjoying and watching grow, will be the light in your eyes and the smile on your face for many years to come.

Just keep that shotgun and Jormy at the ready just in case you need them.

Look forward to you next adventure entry on your learning road to what women are all about. As a Woman and a mother of a 26 year old daughter who lived through those great years I mentioned above I can honestly say starter kit? not in your wildest dreams buddy each of us is as different as the next and there will NEVER be a book that can explain a woman to a man.

Women Rule and Men Drool and that's all there is to the understanding of a woman.

 
At 3:54 PM, Blogger semele said...

Congrats, GM Dave! Enjoy it now. Soon enough she'll be trying to date and you'll have to feed her suitors to Jormy. Mmmm, suitors.

 
At 2:56 AM, Blogger Brandon said...

All i have to say is: Be carefull.

But other than that. Good luck and congradulations.

 
At 5:47 AM, Blogger Matthew said...

Tycooner, one mistake you made. The terrible twos actually start around 1.5 and go until they die.

 
At 1:22 AM, Blogger jordan said...

Congratulations on your daughter, Dave. Hopefully she'll be every bit as evil as you.

 
At 12:15 AM, Blogger Nitpicker said...

Now for the real congrats !

Belated but serious:

Best wishes for your Birthday last Friday ! (28.09)

 

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