Monday, September 04, 2006

Upgrade This

I think I've figured out what was wrong with my computer. Apparently, there was a crack in the dilithium crystals that caused a feedback loop to scamble the unicron matrix leading to a catastrophic failure of the secondary array.

Okay... I have no idea what the hell I'm talking about.

It seems the RAM decided to die a slow death. The system was resetting itself at random. This could mean any number of problems:

a) bad motherboard

b) bad power supply unit

c) bad RAM

d) my computer was inherently evil.

I automatically assumed the answer was 'd' and had an exorcism performed on it by an ordained minister.

"The power of Linux compels you! The power of Linux compels you!"

When that did not work, I played around with the system for a while and managed to isolate the problem to the RAM.

Now, as I am not currently able to spontaneously create computer hardware, I knew that this would necessitate a trip to one of my most hated of places...

The computer store.

I know what you're thinking. How could anyone so game/internet oriented as [GM]Dave hate a computer store?!

That's easy. I hate going to the computer store because you usually only get two types of computer store employees:

1) the complete tech illiterate

This employee has no idea what you want or need. Even if they did, they have no idea where to find it or how to install it.

I'm pretty sure these people think they're working at a Starbucks that just has a lot of shiny things.

2) the complete tech elitist

This employee does not care what you want or need. Even if they did, they are far too important to find it or install it.

I'm pretty sure these people think they're working at NASA and not at the local Radio Shack.

Yes, I realize many of you probably work at computer stores. Yes, I realize many of you probably do not fit into category 1 or 2.

Unfortunately, every time I go to a computer store, you are no doubt in the back getting a part for someone else while I'm left with Brandi, who thinks a harddrive is some form of Tokyo drift racing, or Craig, who would rather take a soldering iron to the face than actually help you.

Either way, you're getting an employee you really don't want to talk to.

But with no other option, I put on some pants and set out for the computer store.

Walking in to a computer store is a religious experience for any true computer geek. All that nice, pretty plastic just begging to be installed. It's like a kid walking into a candy store.

Except this store has candy that costs $600 and promises to run DOOM III at 60 fps.

Mmmmmm... Candy.

I am basking in this electronic cornucopia when I see an employee snaking his way through the displays towards me like a shark through shallow water.

Is it Brandi, the tech idiot?

No.

Is it Craig, the tech guru?

No.

It is a slightly rarer, but no less annoying variation of computer store employee...

Jim, the upseller.

See, Jim's entire life, his world, his very existence, centers around pushing tempted geeks into purchasing things they didn't ask for and don't really need.

Jim is evil.

But Jim stands between me and my RAM, so he must be destroyed.

Jim>> Hello, sir.
Jim>> Lovely day, isn't it?
[GM]Dave>> As I am not currently sitting at home...
[GM]Dave>> I'm going to have to go with no.
Jim>> My name is Jim.
[GM]Dave>> My name is I need some RAM.
Jim>> Alright, sir.
Jim>> What kind of RAM do you need?
[GM]Dave>> I want a 2 gig DDR 3200 kit.
Jim>> Woah.
Jim>> You really know your stuff.
[GM]Dave>> Yes. I know what kind of RAM I have.
[GM]Dave>> I must be a computer expert.
Jim>> Do you know what you really need?
[GM]Dave>> Well... If I had to guess...
[GM]Dave>> I'd say a 2 gig DDR 3200 kit.
[GM]Dave>> That's just a guess, though.
Jim>> No, sir.
Jim>> What you really need is to upgrade to DDR2.
[GM]Dave>> That's nice.
[GM]Dave>> Now, go get me a 2 gig DDR kit.
Jim>> Don't you want to hear about the benefits of DDR2?
[GM]Dave>> Only if they're written on the back of my 2 gig DDR kit.
[GM]Dave>> Why don't you go get one and we'll check?
Jim>> DDR2 is much faster than regular DDR.
[GM]Dave>> Why are you still talking?
[GM]Dave>> Less talking and more go getting.
Jim>> But, sir...
Jim>> I have to explain DDR2 to you.
[GM]Dave>> Listen, Dick...
Jim>> My name is Jim, sir.
[GM]Dave>> I know what your name is.
[GM]Dave>> Go get me my RAM right now, please.
Jim>> But if I could just have a moment of your time...
[GM]Dave>> Hey! Look what time it is!
[GM]Dave>> It's "go get my RAM" o'clock.
Jim>> Sir, DDR2 is the next stage of RAM evolution.
[GM]Dave>> Does anyone here speak english?
[GM]Dave>> Yo quiero RAM.

[GM]Dave>> Je veux RAM.
[GM]Dave>> (( Ram )), (( Do you have it? ))
Jim>> Of course we have RAM, sir.

At this point, I have run out of patience.

Actually... I ran out of patience a loooooong time ago. At this point, I have run out of the will to refrain from killing Jim.

Sigh... There's really only one thing to do.

[GM]Dave>> Why do you keep calling me sir?
Jim>> We're supposed to address all men as sir.
[GM]Dave>> Men?
[GM]Dave>> You think I'm a man?!
Jim>> Yes... Wait... No...
Jim>> Oh damn.
[GM]Dave>> Why do you think I'm a man?!
[GM]Dave>> I'm not some blond Barbie doll.
[GM]Dave>> Is that the problem?
[GM]Dave>> Where's your supervisor?
Jim>> I'm sorry, ma'am.
Jim>> I'll go get that RAM right away.
[GM]Dave>> Where do you think you're going?
[GM]Dave>> This isn't over.

You've never seen an employee run like that.


You know, one of these days I will find a line even I will not cross.

But that is not today.

Hell, I got my RAM, didn't I?

46 Comments:

At 8:22 AM, Blogger ylimaf said...

Hmm..So those kinds of communicating skills does work.I'll try it right away..>_>

 
At 8:23 AM, Blogger ylimaf said...

Oh look,first! Ooops..could'nt resist..>_>

 
At 9:26 AM, Blogger KP said...

This post wins xD. The sad part is how true it is, if they're this bad with RAM imagine a Video Card or HDD?

*shutters*

You should seriously consider introducing us to [GM]Dave's s[GM] one day... if he's anything like Dave... el-oh-el.

 
At 9:29 AM, Blogger Zenomorph said...

So you... made him think you were a woman? I think... i'm confuzzled a bit o.o?

 
At 9:36 AM, Blogger CaesarsGhost said...

wait wait wait... you're a woman?

...this makes Susan all different kinds of hot...

 
At 10:58 AM, Blogger azuza001 said...

That bozo deserved everything you gave him. The upsellers must pay for their sins, and since you apparently didn't have a crow bar, you did the next best thing in scaring the hell out of him. Bravo.

 
At 11:28 AM, Blogger Airwave Angel said...

AHHAHHAHAHAH

Also:

But with no other option, I put on some pants and set out for the computer store.

HAHAHAHHAHA

 
At 12:13 PM, Blogger Advent said...

'[GM]Dave>> Why do you keep calling me sir?
Jim>> We're supposed to address all men as sir.
[GM]Dave>> Men?
[GM]Dave>> You think I'm a man?!
Jim>> Yes... Wait... No...
Jim>> Oh damn.'

Absolute fucking classic, laughed and nearly choked!!!

Sad thing is, even over here in the UK, they are exactly the same!!

 
At 12:56 PM, Blogger Carrin said...

Okay, the post was great, until that fatal line, then it was awesome.

[GM]Dave>> You think I'm a man?!

Oh Jesus, that poor stupid Jim.

 
At 1:19 PM, Blogger Niddy said...

Really funny stuff, but that's why online stores are better than actual computer stores.

 
At 1:42 PM, Blogger Ninjasquirrel said...

"I put on some pants and set out for the computer store."

[GM]Dave... I lol'd so hard.

And I'm not afraid to admit it.

It was totally worth procrastination of responsibilities, though it always is. =D

Also, the "OMIGAH DAVE CAN I HAVE YOUR BABIES" People, are probably having a good ol' time with that line.

 
At 1:47 PM, Blogger Gray Fox said...

That whole gender switch is just awesome. Works like a charm anytime you need something to be done quickly.
Good laugh.

 
At 2:14 PM, Blogger Nightwing said...

Dave is a woman? Does that mean Susan is homosexual? That YOU are homosexual, Dave?

Kudos to both of you. Its a shame you cant get married unless you move to Mass.

 
At 2:29 PM, Blogger Onionsoilder said...

I'm pretty sure he's a guy. He simply said that to get Jim to get his RAM.

 
At 3:37 PM, Blogger Dave said...

I had that evil restarting problem with my computer as well.. So, first I replaced the ram, then I replaced the power supply, then I finally broke down and replaced the mobo/processor.

... only to find out that now my new motherboard is smart enough to tell me that my hard drive is about to die. I would have rather not known...

It stopped restarting though. That's good.

 
At 5:56 PM, Blogger Axit said...

...why weren't you wearing pants in the first place?

 
At 6:24 PM, Blogger Zanbatou-sama said...

Aw, Dave! You forgot 'Ich will RAM, Schlampe!'

 
At 7:01 PM, Blogger maathimself said...

This si one of your best posts yet!

 
At 7:16 PM, Blogger Zelkari said...

"Jim>> Oh damn."

Got to admit he learned in what, five minutes, what takes many a FFXI players a dragon/torchure/ban to realize.

 
At 8:04 PM, Blogger Jon Sim said...

This is what newegg.com is for.

 
At 8:14 PM, Blogger Trigger said...

Jim>> But if I could just have a moment of your time...
[GM]Dave>> Hey! Look what time it is!
[GM]Dave>> It's "go get my RAM" o'clock.


Id have to say thats one of your better lines in this one...

*glee*

 
At 8:18 PM, Blogger Spoonybard said...

But with no other option, I put on some pants and set out for the computer store.


priceless! Oh and the trick to the upseller is to get their hopes up, tell tem yes to everything and then when they have thousands of dollars in upsells tell them you changed your mind and just want what you came in for... it really crushes their spirit.

 
At 9:39 PM, Blogger Pyroelf said...

Feh, I work at a computer store and can't STAND upsellers... Specially when they tend to be a manager and when we're non-commisioned...

 
At 9:40 PM, Blogger Ayanna said...

...and the trick to the upseller is to get their hopes up, tell tem yes to everything and then when they have thousands of dollars in upsells tell them you changed your mind and just want what you came in for... it really crushes their spirit.

Huh. I've been doing it wrong, then.

I guess the judge was serious when he told me to stop punching them in the throat. =/

 
At 10:38 PM, Blogger Isaac20 said...

...I almost died of laughter.

 
At 11:26 PM, Blogger Bress said...

GM]Dave>> Listen, Dick...
Jim>> My name is Jim, sir.
[GM]Dave>> I know what your name is

This is the part that made me laugh the most

/bow [GM]Dave

 
At 12:23 AM, Blogger Sutaru said...

Oh hell. The poor guy.

 
At 2:10 AM, Blogger Jon said...

Anyone seeking the Master (or GM Dave) of the computer retail industry should take a gander at: http://www.actsofgord.com/
Some damn funny stuff.

 
At 4:02 AM, Blogger Citizen Bleys said...

Looks like Jim has a bit of Brandi in him, since if you have a motherboard that uses standard DDR, it does not support DDR2.

Upselling to a product the customer cannot install is just begging for a returned product and an irate customer.

 
At 6:39 AM, Blogger Morzrath said...

Don't you hate it when you run into customer service people that aren't helpful.

Why, I was playing an MMORPG the other day and I did this service call...

 
At 6:55 AM, Blogger Thistle said...

a harddrive is some form of Tokyo drift racing

Heehee!

[GM]Dave>> (( Ram )), (( Do you have it? ))

I always find that talking in auto-translator is a sign I need to get out more. :P

 
At 7:03 AM, Blogger Kishani said...

lmao... Thank you for starting my day out well.

...For those mithra out there (and other female players) it also works on those guys hitting on you in game to tell them you're a guy. They run pretty fast after that.

 
At 8:07 AM, Blogger Hutea said...

[GM]Dave>> Does anyone here speak english?
[GM]Dave>> Yo quiero RAM.
[GM]Dave>> Je veux RAM.
[GM]Dave>> (( Ram )), (( Do you have it? ))


I laughed so hard at this...thanks, I needed that. ;)

 
At 8:26 AM, Blogger Arwenne said...

omfg

best one ever. EVER.

:D

 
At 8:54 AM, Blogger fadedrights said...

GM]Dave>> Listen, Dick...
Jim>> My name is Jim, sir.
[GM]Dave>> I know what your name is.

Classic!

 
At 8:55 PM, Blogger TrueStoryGuy said...

Oh my God. That was hilarious. One of the best entries I've read yet. And I've read all of 'em. Maybe it's because I can relate...

 
At 2:09 AM, Blogger Draconix said...

GM]Dave>> You think I'm a man?!

Classic, just classic. I think some of your blogs ranks right up there with the famous line that we all know.
" Bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat."
Keep up the good work!

 
At 11:43 AM, Blogger Rai said...

Oh jesus, I work with an upseller like Jim. I wish we'd get a customer like you in to deal with him from time to time.

 
At 10:02 PM, Blogger luther349 said...

yes upsellers are annoying. half the time they relly have no clue what there saying ddr2 ram lol if your pcs over 6 months old chances are you would be back in the store the next day couse your pc doesent even support it. but upsellers do work on the clueless.

 
At 3:17 AM, Blogger cen said...

I must admit, I was giggling all the way up until the end. Then, at the end, I burst into outright laughter. I think the end-user on the line was the one who was most confused.

 
At 12:27 PM, Blogger moofaloof said...

FIRST!!!! WEWT!!

 
At 4:18 PM, Blogger semele said...

My fiance and I are both gamers (isn't he lucky?) and he loves the smell of freshly opened electronica. I think it's the anti-static bags he likes the best.

 
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At 8:23 AM, Blogger madskillsmike said...

Holla jojo real funny yo awsm my nikkah w00t!
Holla!

 
At 3:03 PM, Blogger Rain said...

Bless you, sir, for this post!!!

I know a Jim. Actually named Jim. You rock, [GM]Dave

 

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