Saturday, August 26, 2006

Few And Far Between

One of my readers recently asked what it's like to deal with a player that is both intelligent and respectful.

As soon as I meet one, I'll let you know.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

I've handled literally thousands of GM calls. Of course I've dealt with smart, normal people.

Both of those guys were great.

The sad fact is we usually only deal with the bottom of the barrel.

Except replace the word "barrel" with the words "gaming community".

And replace the word "bottom" with the words "retarded, unwashed masses".

That's why most gamemasters are so angry. We don't get a fair sampling of the gaming population. We only get the worst.

Now, some of you are thinking "don't let one bad apple spoil the bunch". That's a nice saying.

I want you to do me a favor. Are you ready?

Go get a few thousand apples. You can choose which kind.

Now, start taking apples one at a time.

Oh, hey! The first one is rotten.

Let's take another.

Darn. This one is rotten, too.

Maybe number three will be good.

Nope. Number 3 is rotten, too.

Now, keep doing this.

Only pretend every apple is rotten.

Some of them aren't even apples. Some of them are just rocks.

How long do you think you could remain optimistic about players?

Answer: Not freakin' long.

Yes, every now and then (read: extremely rarely), we get a good call. A normal call.

A call that doesn't make us want to hurt ourselves/others.

Unfortunately, these calls are so rare that we find ourselves unprepared for them. We're already expecting a bad apple.

Normal calls can be disconcerting.

Just a few days ago, I got one of these normal calls. His timing, however, was very poor. I had just finished several bad calls and was just polishing off my second bottle of whisky.

[GM]Dave was not in a good mood.

Actually, [GM]Dave was pissed off and verging on the edge of being drunk.

Very bad timing indeed.

GM Call Description: Attempted item scam.

Oh goody. An item scam.

Immediately, I assume this person is a complete idiot and the so called "scam" means he bought something for way more than it was worth.

We get that a lot.

I log in to deal with yet another moron. I'm already warming up my Jormy macro.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you got "scammed".
Player>> No.
Player>> Someone tried to scam me.
[GM]Dave>> Oh, this I've got to hear.
[GM]Dave>> What'd he do?
[GM]Dave>> Promise you a Scorpion Harness to cyber?
Player>> ... No.
Player>> He tried to switch items during a trade.
[GM]Dave>> Riiight.
[GM]Dave>> And how did he "switch" the items?
Player>> Well, he put up an Emperor's Hairpin.
Player>> And when I put up my gil, he switched it out.
Player>> Then he put up an Insect Wing to fool me.
[GM]Dave>> Wait...
[GM]Dave>> This sounds like an actual problem.
Player>> Of course it does.
Player>> That's why I called you.
Player>> That guy should be reported.
[GM]Dave>> Yeah... But...
[GM]Dave>> But...
[GM]Dave>> It actually made sense.
Player>> Are you okay?
[GM]Dave>> Not really, no.
[GM]Dave>> I don't know what's going on.
Player>> I made a GM call to report a scammer.
[GM]Dave>> Yeah, but you had a real problem.
[GM]Dave>> And used proper punctuation and grammar.
[GM]Dave>> I think my brain imploded.
Player>> Isn't that what the GM call function is for?
Player>> So people can make emergency calls?
[GM]Dave>> Please... Stop...
[GM]Dave>> I can't take any more.
Player>> This is getting strange.
[GM]Dave>> It's just... I've heard stories about calls like this.
[GM]Dave>> I thought they were just myths.
[GM]Dave>> You know, like dragons
[GM]Dave>> Or gender equality.
Player>> Listen... It's not really that big a deal.
Player>> I'll just be going now.
[GM]Dave>> You're up to something.
[GM]Dave>> I know it.
Player>> What?!
Player>> I made a call to report a scammer.
[GM]Dave>> That's just what you wanted me to think, isn't it?
[GM]Dave>> This is all part of your twisted plot.
[GM]Dave>> Well, I'm not falling for it, Mister.
Player>> ...
Player>> Okay then.
Player>> I'm going to walk away now, okay?
[GM]Dave>> I'm watching you.
Player>> I think you need to get some help.
[GM]Dave>> Is that a threat?
[GM]Dave>> That sounded like a threat.
Player>> It wasn't a threat.
Player>> I was trying to help.
[GM]Dave>> I'm not falling for your mind games.
[GM]Dave>> I'm ready for you.


Player>> Oh damn.
Player>> What now?

Jormungand hits Player for 16,845 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> That'll teach you to use proper grammar.
[GM]Dave>> Thought he had me.


Maybe I didn't handle that so well.


At 10:48 PM, Blogger currentlypresent said...

Amazing. Someone who doesn't make me think that most of humanity should be made in-fertile. Well, he was probably running a drug operation on the side, (because nobody could ever make an intelligent call) and thus, his being consumed by Jormy was just.

At 10:48 PM, Blogger Drescher the Great said...

First Post! Oh, let me bask in my victory.

Anyways, that's true. Most GM calls are retarded.. I've never had to make one playing FFXI.

I don't blame you for acting suspicious, though. I'de probably just.. Pass out.

At 10:49 PM, Blogger Drescher the Great said...

Dammit! Nevermind. Beaten by a few seconds.

At 10:52 PM, Blogger Dantaro said...

Lmao, Wow, that kicked so much ass

At 11:13 PM, Blogger Modo2000 said...

I had a player page me about some kind of GM appreciation event on my game a while ago. Something about "showing the GMs how much we appreciate their hard work."

I immediately pulled all his accounts, all his friends accounts, his friends friends accounts, looked him up on the forums, started asking everyone I knew about him, and reported him to support as a possible GM impersonation attempt. (I'm sure you've gotten those geniuses before, Dave, the idiots who scam other idiots by pretending to be GMs or members of the development team)

No one is nice to GMs. It's just not natural.

At 11:13 PM, Blogger Kittos said...

\(^_^)/ *remembers to never make GM call ever..*

At 11:16 PM, Blogger Furioku said...

That is precisely why i will never make a gm call [gm] dave

At 11:33 PM, Blogger azuza001 said...

Yea, you know, I think that you did the right thing. Technically, you delt with his problem and he will no longer have to worry about someone trying to scam him. Not all solutions to problems end fairly, but they all do seem to end with GM-Dave not having any more problems with that person.

At 12:18 AM, Blogger CaesarsGhost said...

yeah, sometimes you get the good calls...

by the time you're done weeding through all the fuckin morons, you're so curt with the legitimacy you cry afterwards.
Except not really cry... cause that's just retarded... but you feel bad.

At 12:35 AM, Blogger Pyro3000 said...

You took a good honest player that makes an actual report with intentions on improving the community...

and you feed him to a dragon.


At 3:47 AM, Blogger Kerensky said...

I don't get it.. switch item? I mean that kind of stupid.. Don't ppl check what item they are trading for?

Oh well I just thought gm calls were for you know" some one is hacking botting or something like that.

Ps i love when ppl don't get the first post it warms my heart.. Like a heat round.

Shoot them when their high shoot them when their low..

Ps: when in dynamis I use my everclear "special ability" aka drink every time the wrong item drops and drink twice every time some one dies.. it is 85% effective too get the item to drop.. yes the more drunk you are the better the drop rate... I usually use Rum though

At 4:01 AM, Blogger Akamar said...

Hmm. A bit extreme, isn't it?

At 4:27 AM, Blogger Citizen Bleys said...

I dunno, I like the idea. No rum, though, that's what rye is for. Captain Morgan is a son of a bitch.

At 4:58 AM, Blogger Blogger#B-2874 said...

Tehehe... Dave used my idea. I feel all giddy as a school girl.

At 5:29 AM, Blogger redkinoko said...


At 5:35 AM, Blogger Jed said...

Now I don't comment often but I think best story to date, as I belive, deserves it.

... that was the comment.

At 7:41 AM, Blogger Isaac20 said...


Maybe I didn't handle that so well.

I laughed my ass of at that.

At 9:13 AM, Blogger creature124 said...

Note to self: Never make a GM call, under any circumstances.

At 9:21 AM, Blogger WanderingJ said...

Umm... don't you think you should've quizzed the player on proper conduct before doing that, [GM]Dave?

At 9:34 AM, Blogger Avrial said...

wanderingj said...

"Umm... don't you think you should've quizzed the player on proper conduct before doing that, [GM]Dave?"

[GM]Dave was on the verge of drunk. Of course he might've missed something. I'm surprised he actually hit the Jormy hotkey instead of one of his other, less effective ones.

At 12:11 PM, Blogger Vatar said...

I know Jormy has a big appitite...but Tonberries need to be fed too.

At 12:43 PM, Blogger Simatumma said...

I look at it this way, you'll never get a "good" GM call. The main idea behind this reasoning is if a player is that intelligent then they can figure out their own damn problems and they don't need a GM in the first place.

At 1:46 PM, Blogger Isaac20 said...

^^ Agree'd

At 8:01 PM, Blogger Zychion said...

That was so damned retarded!

Oh how Karma shall smite you.

At 11:15 PM, Blogger luther349 said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 2:19 AM, Blogger Pascal said...

this post remembers me a "smart" call i made yesterday on Lineage 2 (inspired by Dave, of course)

At 9:51 AM, Blogger Sebb said...

I like this one best.

These make my day.


Post a Comment

<< Home