Monday, August 28, 2006

[GM]Dave's Many Conquests

I get a lot of questions about Susan. I mean a lot of questions.

Some of them even pertain to subjects other than our sex life.

Few, but some.

One of the more interesting questions I get asked a lot is if there were any girls before Susan.

Short answer: Yes.

Long Answer: Oh hell yes.

The population of Vana'diel is littered with the empty shells of women who have known my love.

I loved them.

I left them.

In several cases, I banned them.

What? Last thing I need is to be running through Jeuno with a trail of broken-hearted women following me.

See, in each case I made one very important mistake. I spent so much time worrying that they might actually be a guy that I forgot to check for other important things.

Like personality.

Or sanity.

This last one brings me to my first in-game girlfriend, Amanda.

We met in Valkurm. I was an Elvaan Red Mage. She was a Hume Warrior.

Were were in a party together when she sent me a fairly "inappropriate" tell. I'd later find out it was a mistell, but that momentary confusion (coupled with the hot mental imagery) led to us talking.

And talking.

And talking.

She seemed really normal at first. I had, of course, gone through extensive "Is she a he?" testing and she was indeed a girl.

Unfortunately, at the time, that was all I really needed to know.

How naive I was.

We had been in-game dating for a few weeks when she started to act funny.

Not "ha ha" funny.

More like "this bitch is a freaking psychopath" funny.

One day, I was in Lower Jeuno checking on some Auction House sales when she started sending me tells.

Amanda>> Where were you?

What? I didn't remember us having plans to do something.

Maybe she got confused or something.

Amanda>> WHERE WERE YOU?!

Maybe she went insane.

Dave>> I don't know what you're talking about?
Dave>> Where was I when?
Amanda>> You know when.
Dave>> Is this some weird kind of joke?
Amanda>> I SAW YOU WITH HER!!!
Dave>> So not a joke then.
Dave>> Good to know.
Dave>> Who's "her"?
Amanda>> That female elvaan SLUT!!!
Amanda>> She was all over you.
Dave>> Can I buy a vowel or something?
Dave>> I don't have a sweet clue what you're talking about.
Amanda>> Earlier today.
Amanda>> In Qufim.
Amanda>> I was watching you.
Dave>> That's a little scary.
Dave>> Except replace "a little" with "really".
Amanda>> I saw that slut coming onto you.
Amanda>> She was practically on top of you.
Dave>> Who the hell are you talking about?
Amanda>> The female Elvaan bard.
Dave>> ...
Dave>> I was in a party with a bard.
Amanda>> HA!!!
Amanda>> You admit it!
Dave>> Uhhh...
Dave>> Yeah.
Amanda>> So what do you have to say?
Dave>> You're insane?
Amanda>> Insane?
Amanda>> INSANE?!
Amanda>> Is it insane to love someone more than life?
Amanda>> Is it insane to follow them wherever they go?
Amanda>> Is it insane to watch them?
Dave>> Pretty much, yeah.
Dave>> You kind of hit the nail on the head.
Amanda>> Was it worth it?
Dave>> Was what worth what?
Dave>> I think I need a map for this conversation.
Dave>> You obviously don't know where we're going.
Amanda>> You threw away everything we had.
Amanda>> For some cheap bard WHORE!!!
Dave>> I think I'm having an aneurysm.
Amanda>> How could you do this to me?
Amanda>> I would have died for you.
Dave>> Could you die for me now?
Dave>> That would be super.
Amanda>> You'll never meet another girl like me.
Dave>> Let's hope.
Amanda>> You tore out my heart.
Amanda>> YOU TORE IT OUT!!!
Dave>> Darn. Look at the time.
Dave>> It's a quarter past crazy.
Dave>> I really have to run.
Dave>> Let's not do this again sometime.
Amanda>> I sent you something to remember me by.
Amanda>> You took everything else.
Dave>> Good damn, you sound like a Billy Talent song.
Dave>> Maybe it's time we see other people.
Dave>> But by "we" I mean "you".
Dave>> and by "other people" I mean "a psychiatrist".
Amanda>> I'll always love you.
Dave>> Just when I thought it couldn't get creepier.

That was pretty much the end for Amanda and I. I chalk it up to personality differences.

Or her having different personalities.

After we parted, I headed back to my moghouse and checked my delivery box. And there it was.

A Dragon Heart.

I'm sure this was an item full of dark symbolism and important meaning to her.

I decided I should take some time to seriously ponder its meaning.

Also, when it sold an hour later, I made 900,000 gil.

Sigh... You always remember your first love.

Especially whern that love turns out to be a full on psychopath.

39 Comments:

At 8:36 PM, Blogger redkinoko said...

Hahaha this is by far your craziest post in days. Good one.

 
At 8:40 PM, Blogger TrueStoryGuy said...

That was hilarious. I just couldn't stop laughing. Great post!

 
At 9:01 PM, Blogger Dantaro said...

lmao, Ah crazy bitches. 'nuff said.

 
At 9:05 PM, Blogger Meshuggah said...

Hilarious. This blog is made of pure win.

 
At 9:43 PM, Blogger Ridicule: Man of peaches! said...

Better a dragon heart that peaches.... Peaches mean you will be killed by random monkeys while being punched by deranged blog posters begging for an auto-graph.

Im not crazy just really bored *sigh*

 
At 10:19 PM, Blogger terii said...

Ahh... similar thing happened to me in IRC back in the mid 90s. -_-

Damn tools....

 
At 10:49 PM, Blogger Ryuusuke said...

At least you got a good 900k out of that. Very funny post I loved it

 
At 1:06 AM, Blogger Rincewind said...

Great Stuff dave, love it xD

 
At 2:06 AM, Blogger Dalight said...

OT an all ( i will leave a comment about the post after this one ) But does anyone know if [GM]Dave has like a fan forum?

 
At 2:08 AM, Blogger Dalight said...

Told you i would. =D Dude like your others these are classics. Hell i got try that just for the 900k lol

 
At 2:19 AM, Blogger Ristle said...

Elvaan Red Mage, Good Man \o/

 
At 3:59 AM, Blogger CaesarsGhost said...

...are you sure it was a girl? I dunno... sounds like an overly dramatic EMO guy.

 
At 5:51 AM, Blogger Joe said...

What a hillarious coincidence; my first love in real life was a girl named Amanda who turned out to be an insane psychopath who stalked me for a year after we broke up! Good times...

 
At 5:56 AM, Blogger Useless said...

[GM] Dave, to quote Bill Clinton, "I didn't inhal-"....I mean, "I feel your pain."

I thought you knew already though? ALL women are insane. It's no secret. Women are insane because men are stupid, and men are stupid because women are insane. It's a vicious circle.

But on the bright side, at least we know what to expect.

 
At 6:17 AM, Blogger Alison the Amazing Thief said...

I love this! Funny thing is that I can think at least two guys with ffxi "girlfriends" like this and they tolerate it happily. You all say it's the woman who are crazy. I beg to differ. Women fully understand the evil they are up to, it's the guys who tolerate it that are crazy.

 
At 7:25 AM, Blogger Isaac20 said...

Dave>> Is this some weird kind of joke?
Amanda>> I SAW YOU WITH HER!!!
Dave>> So not a joke then.
Dave>> Good to know.
Dave>> Who's "her"?
Amanda>> That female elvaan SLUT!!!


We have a winner!

 
At 9:08 AM, Blogger AheartD said...

YOU SOLD THE HEART!?

YOU SOLD IT FOR 900 FUCKING K?!

I'MMA FIND YOU SOME DAY DAVE!!!!

 
At 10:03 AM, Blogger Jennifer said...

lol, funny post

 
At 10:04 AM, Blogger Zenomorph said...

Dave>> Darn. Look at the time.
Dave>> It's a quarter past crazy.
Dave>> I really have to run.

Hehe, that was cute ^^

 
At 10:26 AM, Blogger Xylos of Shiva said...

... Wondering when [GM]Dave gets tricked by a manthra

 
At 12:04 PM, Blogger Czarina said...

Nah, I am wondering when did GM Dave meet Susan. Also, I am wondering what other guys did Susan met and what happened to them. I mean, she canĀ“t be a normal female and be able to live with Dave. XD

 
At 12:26 PM, Blogger Furioku said...

=O what a crazy bitch! Something like that has actually happened to me in game except replace in game with real life she i had a friend that was a chick and my gf freaked out and went crazy she threw a lamp at me! not a little lamp either a large living room lamp O.o some people are just insane.

 
At 1:03 PM, Blogger Zamphire said...

Dave>> Could you die for me now?
Dave>> That would be super.

I vote we put that on a tshirt

 
At 2:08 PM, Blogger azuza001 said...

I wouldn't call that a conquest. I'd call that an assault on sanity.

 
At 2:21 PM, Blogger creature124 said...

at least susan doent follow you around >.>

 
At 3:40 PM, Blogger Texgnome1 said...

Dave>> I think I need a map for this conversation.
Dave>> You obviously don't know where we're going.

Hehe - my favorite line. Think I'll file that one away for use on the wife. Haven't commented in a while, but nicely done [GM]Dave

 
At 3:40 PM, Blogger Celestiah said...

Rofl!!! oh man XD

 
At 3:56 PM, Blogger Zanbatou-sama said...

Man, I need a girl who'll send me a dragon heart. Black Mages need gil.

 
At 5:55 PM, Blogger Spoonybard said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 5:57 PM, Blogger Spoonybard said...

uhg, where is the edit button? Anyhoo, great post! I laughed so hard I think my co-workers are calling the guys with the white jackets to come get me!

 
At 7:16 PM, Blogger Pyro3000 said...

"I'd die for for you. Can you die for me now?"

heh LOVE it

 
At 7:19 PM, Blogger Alamoth said...

Hilarious post... but whats wrong with Billy Talent?

 
At 7:29 PM, Blogger Kirip-san said...

"I'd die for you."
"Can you die for me now?"

Genius.

Czarina: http://bannable-offenses.blogspot.com/2006/06/gmdave-offline-vol-4.html

~nyo

 
At 9:47 PM, Blogger WanderingJ said...

Ahh... nothing like the online psychos. Just goes to show how disturbingly obsessive significant others in online relationships can be.

 
At 12:17 PM, Blogger moofaloof said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 12:25 PM, Blogger moofaloof said...

online relationships? what the f.. what happened to um meeting people? talking face to face? that kind of eliminates the whole aspect of guessing the gender and you can always call the cops (GMs of RL) if things get bad. idk maybe im crazy

 
At 3:41 PM, Blogger Guankim said...

Dave>> Is this some weird kind of joke?
Amanda>> I SAW YOU WITH HER!!!
Dave>> So not a joke then.
Dave>> Good to know.
Dave>> Who's "her"?
Amanda>> That female elvaan SLUT!!!

*The red mage stops by to add 2 cents*
Guan>> Gee, that didn't narrow it down at all, could you be more specific? Given the plethora of Elvaan sluts around and all, many of whom I've partied with...

 
At 4:38 PM, Blogger Odium said...

The worse thing is, this sums up every real life girlfriend I've dated. :|

 
At 9:36 PM, Blogger chaoszx said...

HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA GEEZUS! hahahaha /sigh.. phew... dude... you my buddy. hahaha your litteraly the funniest guy i know

 

Post a Comment

<< Home