[GM]Dave's Many Conquests
I get a lot of questions about Susan. I mean a lot of questions.Some of them even pertain to subjects other than our sex life.
Few, but some.
One of the more interesting questions I get asked a lot is if there were any girls before Susan.
Short answer: Yes.
Long Answer: Oh hell yes.
The population of Vana'diel is littered with the empty shells of women who have known my love.
I loved them.
I left them.
In several cases, I banned them.
What? Last thing I need is to be running through Jeuno with a trail of broken-hearted women following me.
See, in each case I made one very important mistake. I spent so much time worrying that they might actually be a guy that I forgot to check for other important things.
Like personality.
Or sanity.
This last one brings me to my first in-game girlfriend, Amanda.
We met in Valkurm. I was an Elvaan Red Mage. She was a Hume Warrior.
Were were in a party together when she sent me a fairly "inappropriate" tell. I'd later find out it was a mistell, but that momentary confusion (coupled with the hot mental imagery) led to us talking.
And talking.
And talking.
She seemed really normal at first. I had, of course, gone through extensive "Is she a he?" testing and she was indeed a girl.
Unfortunately, at the time, that was all I really needed to know.
How naive I was.
We had been in-game dating for a few weeks when she started to act funny.
Not "ha ha" funny.
More like "this bitch is a freaking psychopath" funny.
One day, I was in Lower Jeuno checking on some Auction House sales when she started sending me tells.
Amanda>> Where were you?
What? I didn't remember us having plans to do something.
Maybe she got confused or something.
Amanda>> WHERE WERE YOU?!
Maybe she went insane.
Dave>> I don't know what you're talking about?
Dave>> Where was I when?
Amanda>> You know when.
Dave>> Is this some weird kind of joke?
Amanda>> I SAW YOU WITH HER!!!
Dave>> So not a joke then.
Dave>> Good to know.
Dave>> Who's "her"?
Amanda>> That female elvaan SLUT!!!
Amanda>> She was all over you.
Dave>> Can I buy a vowel or something?
Dave>> I don't have a sweet clue what you're talking about.
Amanda>> Earlier today.
Amanda>> In Qufim.
Amanda>> I was watching you.
Dave>> That's a little scary.
Dave>> Except replace "a little" with "really".
Amanda>> I saw that slut coming onto you.
Amanda>> She was practically on top of you.
Dave>> Who the hell are you talking about?
Amanda>> The female Elvaan bard.
Dave>> ...
Dave>> I was in a party with a bard.
Amanda>> HA!!!
Amanda>> You admit it!
Dave>> Uhhh...
Dave>> Yeah.
Amanda>> So what do you have to say?
Dave>> You're insane?
Amanda>> Insane?
Amanda>> INSANE?!
Amanda>> Is it insane to love someone more than life?
Amanda>> Is it insane to follow them wherever they go?
Amanda>> Is it insane to watch them?
Dave>> Pretty much, yeah.
Dave>> You kind of hit the nail on the head.
Amanda>> Was it worth it?
Dave>> Was what worth what?
Dave>> I think I need a map for this conversation.
Dave>> You obviously don't know where we're going.
Amanda>> You threw away everything we had.
Amanda>> For some cheap bard WHORE!!!
Dave>> I think I'm having an aneurysm.
Amanda>> How could you do this to me?
Amanda>> I would have died for you.
Dave>> Could you die for me now?
Dave>> That would be super.
Amanda>> You'll never meet another girl like me.
Dave>> Let's hope.
Amanda>> You tore out my heart.
Amanda>> YOU TORE IT OUT!!!
Dave>> Darn. Look at the time.
Dave>> It's a quarter past crazy.
Dave>> I really have to run.
Dave>> Let's not do this again sometime.
Amanda>> I sent you something to remember me by.
Amanda>> You took everything else.
Dave>> Good damn, you sound like a Billy Talent song.
Dave>> Maybe it's time we see other people.
Dave>> But by "we" I mean "you".
Dave>> and by "other people" I mean "a psychiatrist".
Amanda>> I'll always love you.
Dave>> Just when I thought it couldn't get creepier.
That was pretty much the end for Amanda and I. I chalk it up to personality differences.
Or her having different personalities.
After we parted, I headed back to my moghouse and checked my delivery box. And there it was.
A Dragon Heart.
I'm sure this was an item full of dark symbolism and important meaning to her.
I decided I should take some time to seriously ponder its meaning.
Also, when it sold an hour later, I made 900,000 gil.
Sigh... You always remember your first love.
Especially whern that love turns out to be a full on psychopath.
posted by Goblin Smithy @ 5:54 PM
13 Comments:
Hahaha this is by far your craziest post in days. Good one.
What a hillarious coincidence; my first love in real life was a girl named Amanda who turned out to be an insane psychopath who stalked me for a year after we broke up! Good times...
I love this! Funny thing is that I can think at least two guys with ffxi "girlfriends" like this and they tolerate it happily. You all say it's the woman who are crazy. I beg to differ. Women fully understand the evil they are up to, it's the guys who tolerate it that are crazy.
lol, funny post
... Wondering when [GM]Dave gets tricked by a manthra
I wouldn't call that a conquest. I'd call that an assault on sanity.
at least susan doent follow you around >.>
Dave>> I think I need a map for this conversation.
Dave>> You obviously don't know where we're going.
Hehe - my favorite line. Think I'll file that one away for use on the wife. Haven't commented in a while, but nicely done [GM]Dave
Rofl!!! oh man XD
"I'd die for for you. Can you die for me now?"
heh LOVE it
Hilarious post... but whats wrong with Billy Talent?
Ahh... nothing like the online psychos. Just goes to show how disturbingly obsessive significant others in online relationships can be.
Dave>> Is this some weird kind of joke?
Amanda>> I SAW YOU WITH HER!!!
Dave>> So not a joke then.
Dave>> Good to know.
Dave>> Who's "her"?
Amanda>> That female elvaan SLUT!!!
*The red mage stops by to add 2 cents*
Guan>> Gee, that didn't narrow it down at all, could you be more specific? Given the plethora of Elvaan sluts around and all, many of whom I've partied with...
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