Sunday, September 03, 2006

A Sneak Peek

A few readers have been asking what the Fan Pack stories are like.

I really have no way of describing them, so I decided it would be fun to post one of the Fan Pack stories.

This story was in the very first blog fan pack from four months ago. A lot of people missed out on it, so I thought I'd post it tonight while I continue to work on my computer problem.

I will note though that this is a one time only thing. The fan pack stories are meant to be exclusive and I want to make sure fan club members have something special. I'm only posting this one because it's four months old.

And without further adieu, I give you the [GM]Dave Chronicles - Volume 1.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

The [GM]Dave Chronicles – Volume 1

First off, I’d like to thank you for your kind donation. Your gift will allow me to maintain a high level of customer service (read: blood alcohol).

People keep asking me what it’s like to be a GM. I can honestly say that the job is great.

It would be better if I didn’t have players bothering me all of the time with their incessant GM calls.

I mean Damn, can’t you people take the law into your own hands or something? Is it my job to solve all of your problems?

Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t mind all GM calls.

95% probably, but not all.

Okay… maybe 99%.

I’m not sure why it is, but it seems the majority of players do not understand the purpose of the GM call. And, I mean, it’s written right there.

Before you can even send a GM call, we put up a big screen that asks if you are sure your call is necessary.

They didn’t go with my idea of a prompt coming up saying “Are you sure you’re not just retarded?”

And then a second prompt saying “Seriously. You’re retarded. Just log off.”

But, no. Seems like they never take my ideas.

They didn’t design Mordion Gaol as a big pit of spikes. They didn’t give the GMs awesome motor cycles. They didn’t give me that Sniper Rifle.

I mean, how am I supposed to have any fun?

Back on topic, though, I must say the unnecessary GM calls are starting to annoy me (read: drive me bat shit insane).

Do people think that prompt applies to everyone but them?

Just this morning, I got another one of these calls. One of those insipid, pointless, “I think I’m so damned important I’m going to waste your time” calls.

Perhaps under the GM call menu, there should be a “Feed me to a Dragon” button.

It would save me time.

GM Call Description: Serious problem in Jeuno.

Now, I hate vague GM call descriptions. Of course there’s a problem. You’re making a GM call.

This is not rocket surgery.

But, alas, I am required to actually talk to the people who make these calls.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I must ask that in future you try not to be so detailed in your GM calls.
Player>> Oh. No problem.

So, sarcasm is not one of his strengths.

Sigh.

[GM]Dave>> So what’s this “problem” you called about?
Player>> There’s lag in Lower Jeuno.

Well stop the freakin’ presses.

Now, this is the kind of crap that really bothers me. This is not a problem. This is not an emergency.

This is you being retarded.

[GM]Dave>> Ah.
[GM]Dave>> I’d better alert the emergency development team.
Player>> Excellent.
Player>> It’s really slow.
[GM]Dave>> Do me a favor.
[GM]Dave>> What does this say: “The dog chased the cat”?
Player>> The dog chased the cat?
[GM]Dave>> Well, apparently you can read.
[GM]Dave>> I had to check.
Player>> What do you mean?
[GM]Dave>> Well, you went to the help desk.
Player>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> And then you got a menu that told you not to make GM calls.
Player>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> And that GM calls are only for emergencies.
Player>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> Do you not know where I’m going with this?

The most irritating part of dealing with these people is that they are completely unable to understand how stupid they are.

Luckily, I am a registered councilor in stupidity acceptance.

[GM]Dave>> I would like to thank you for pointing this out.
[GM]Dave>> And I hope you haven’t been traumatized by this emergency.
Player>> I’m okay. It wasn’t really a problem.
[GM]Dave>> Don’t be modest. You’re a hero of the people.
[GM]Dave>> Your calmness in the face of adversity will be of great value to us.

Now, do you see what I did there?

I used the word value. People like this do not understand the multiple meanings of this word.

We say ‘Value’ and they hear ‘Money’.

Wait for it.

Player>> Value?

Wait for it.

Player>> Is there a reward?

And there it is.

Seriously. All you have to do is give these people a chance and they will jump at it.

[GM]Dave>> Actually, there is.
[GM]Dave>> We have a special Rare/Ex headgear that we give for important calls.
[GM]Dave>> It’s called the “Helm of Drat’Er”.
Player>> Really?
[GM]Dave>> But I’m sure someone like you could never accept a reward.
Player>> Sure, I could.
[GM]Dave>> I’m shocked.
[GM]Dave>> I can trade it now if you like.
Player>> Yes, please.

This isn’t even challenging anymore.

I’ve had a harder time beating my little brother at Twister.

Poor colorblind bastard.

[GM]Dave>> Okay. Trading now.

[GM]Dave offers to trade with you.
Trade completed.

[GM]Dave>> Go ahead and equip it.
Player>> Cool.
Player>> …
Player>> Is it supposed to look like this?
[GM]Dave>> I think so.
[GM]Dave>> Why?
Player>> It looks weird.
[GM]Dave>> I think it’s like an Aht Urghan turban.
[GM]Dave>> Or a giant ass.
Player>> An ass?
[GM]Dave>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> It really doesn’t look like a turban from this angle.
Player>> Umm… this doesn’t say Helm of Drat’Er…
[GM]Dave>> It’s doesn’t?
[GM]Dave>> /em is shocked.
[GM]Dave>> What does it say?
Player>> “Retard Hat”
[GM]Dave>> Maybe you’re dyslexic.
Player>> No, I’m not.
[GM]Dave>> Sey, uoy era.
Player>> That makes no sense.
[GM]Dave>> Of course it doesn’t.
[GM]Dave>> Dyslexia is like that.
Player>> I’m not dyslexic.
[GM]Dave>> Ko.
Player>> Stop that.
[GM]Dave>> Wtah?
Player>> KNOCK THAT OFF!
Player>> Oh damn.
Player>> Ohdamnohdamnohdamn.
[GM]Dave>> Something wrong?
Player>> It won’t unequip.
[GM]Dave>> Of course not.
[GM]Dave>> We want everyone to know you’re a big hero.
Player>> Fix it.
[GM]Dave>> I’m sorry. That’s not an emergency.
[GM]Dave>> GM calls are only for serious emergencies.
[GM]Dave>> Can I help you with anything else today?

[GM]Dave says: Don’t make stupid GM calls.

Or normal GM calls.

Don’t call me.

17 Comments:

At 9:44 PM, Blogger shingui of cerberus said...

whats with all the !--[if !supportEmptyParas]-->

And that actually makes me wanna pay for this stuff lol

 
At 10:11 PM, Blogger Kerensky said...

I must say lag has been bad, at times it is impossible to log in at all. it just times me out.. but I never make a gm call.. if I'm having problems like that I'm like.. hmm.. not on line. hehe..

Btw does ffxi have a problem with routers cause it seems to not like mine allot of the time.. didn't know if they were now considered third party tools to use two computers at the same time on the internet jk.. sry had to make it..

I personally don't get what the gm call is for if I have a problem that is big enough I would just send it outside of ffxi which I have before. ie the "I can't log in" problem. reset router exc problem fixed every time.

btw I would be for a dragon in lower jeuno just to kill off all the ppl that just sit there selling stuff.. it would be fun to have one lag free day.. >.>

 
At 10:37 PM, Blogger WanderingJ said...

Player>> Umm… this doesn’t say Helm of Drat’Er…
[GM]Dave>> It’s doesn’t?
[GM]Dave>> /em is shocked.
[GM]Dave>> What does it say?
Player>> “Retard Hat”
[GM]Dave>> Maybe you’re dyslexic.
Player>> No, I’m not.
[GM]Dave>> Sey, uoy era.

Just this little section was worth it. I've been feeling crappy up to reading this entry. :P

 
At 11:20 PM, Blogger maathimself said...

I’ve had a harder time beating my little brother at Twister.

Poor colorblind bastard.


That is the best [GM]Dave line ever.

 
At 2:47 AM, Blogger Homer said...

wow that was hillarious. That made my night. I laughed so hard I started to cry. Thank you for all the laughs, {GM] Dave!

 
At 3:23 AM, Blogger Sebb said...

I must agree with maathimself, that line is the quote of the century.

I need to get this fan pack.

 
At 3:42 AM, Blogger LastGun said...

Hey homer, how's FFXI these days?

 
At 7:18 AM, Blogger creature124 said...

If tis is what fanclub is, I freakin wish I had a credit card, or a way of stopping my parents from reading every single charge on theirs O.o

 
At 7:57 AM, Blogger Demon420 said...

I hate to sound like a fanboy because I'm not, but I would love to see that dragon, even if I do have to die. I wouldn't really mind if you just called me up one day from Alexander randomly and fed me to Jormy... as long as I can get a screenshot.

~Demonicsoul (Yes, very unorignal emo name. I can't do creative.)

 
At 8:04 AM, Blogger LastGun said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 8:08 AM, Blogger LastGun said...

Or you could just go to Jormungand's spawn in Uleguerand Range. Here is info http://ffxi.somepage.com/mobdb/3212. Bad idea though asking Dave. First of all, you denied being a fanboy, then asked to see Jormy. Leaving your name... especially Demonicsoul... and then saying your not an emo, just not creative? I am not creative but notice how my name isn't dark and mysterious... and annoying? well, annoying mabye.

 
At 2:51 PM, Blogger hello fodder said...

Dear Sire,

Just received my first Fan Pack (promise delivered: a Thing of Wonder). I am duly impressed, grateful and amused; synthesized Allegiance +1. I'll testify, should it be needed, that (whatever you may or may not be) you are a mensch. Next time you need an "advance scout", let me know.

*bows, exits backing*

 
At 5:42 PM, Blogger Demon420 said...

You bring up some good points, but as I am sort of a noob, I didn't really know about that spawn.

I'm not emo... I have friends, I have a girlfriend, I go outside, I socialize with people I don't know.

I'm very uncreative. Very.

 
At 6:17 PM, Blogger Zanbatou-sama said...

Hey, Dave, is it against ToS to change the game graphics on my computer. 'Cause it'd be cool to make my character look like Jormugand. Even if it is only on my computer screen.

 
At 4:52 AM, Blogger Sebb said...

I think its safe to say that Dave brings out the worst in most people.

I don't care though.
He makes it funny :)

 
At 6:00 AM, Blogger moofaloof said...

if you just go down on jormungand he will let you go...and be ur buddy...

 
At 5:33 PM, Blogger chaoszx said...

you dick.... your not even real.. I called for you and you didnt show... you suck... i vbeliveed in you Dave! BELIVED!!!

BTW grats on the baby ^^

 

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