Bannable Offenses

A Sneak Peek

A few readers have been asking what the Fan Pack stories are like.

I really have no way of describing them, so I decided it would be fun to post one of the Fan Pack stories.

This story was in the very first blog fan pack from four months ago. A lot of people missed out on it, so I thought I'd post it tonight while I continue to work on my computer problem.

I will note though that this is a one time only thing. The fan pack stories are meant to be exclusive and I want to make sure fan club members have something special. I'm only posting this one because it's four months old.

And without further adieu, I give you the [GM]Dave Chronicles - Volume 1.

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The [GM]Dave Chronicles – Volume 1

First off, I’d like to thank you for your kind donation. Your gift will allow me to maintain a high level of customer service (read: blood alcohol).

People keep asking me what it’s like to be a GM. I can honestly say that the job is great.

It would be better if I didn’t have players bothering me all of the time with their incessant GM calls.

I mean Damn, can’t you people take the law into your own hands or something? Is it my job to solve all of your problems?

Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t mind all GM calls.

95% probably, but not all.

Okay… maybe 99%.

I’m not sure why it is, but it seems the majority of players do not understand the purpose of the GM call. And, I mean, it’s written right there.

Before you can even send a GM call, we put up a big screen that asks if you are sure your call is necessary.

They didn’t go with my idea of a prompt coming up saying “Are you sure you’re not just retarded?”

And then a second prompt saying “Seriously. You’re retarded. Just log off.”

But, no. Seems like they never take my ideas.

They didn’t design Mordion Gaol as a big pit of spikes. They didn’t give the GMs awesome motor cycles. They didn’t give me that Sniper Rifle.

I mean, how am I supposed to have any fun?

Back on topic, though, I must say the unnecessary GM calls are starting to annoy me (read: drive me bat shit insane).

Do people think that prompt applies to everyone but them?

Just this morning, I got another one of these calls. One of those insipid, pointless, “I think I’m so damned important I’m going to waste your time” calls.

Perhaps under the GM call menu, there should be a “Feed me to a Dragon” button.

It would save me time.

GM Call Description: Serious problem in Jeuno.

Now, I hate vague GM call descriptions. Of course there’s a problem. You’re making a GM call.

This is not rocket surgery.

But, alas, I am required to actually talk to the people who make these calls.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I must ask that in future you try not to be so detailed in your GM calls.
Player>> Oh. No problem.

So, sarcasm is not one of his strengths.

Sigh.

[GM]Dave>> So what’s this “problem” you called about?
Player>> There’s lag in Lower Jeuno.

Well stop the freakin’ presses.

Now, this is the kind of crap that really bothers me. This is not a problem. This is not an emergency.

This is you being retarded.

[GM]Dave>> Ah.
[GM]Dave>> I’d better alert the emergency development team.
Player>> Excellent.
Player>> It’s really slow.
[GM]Dave>> Do me a favor.
[GM]Dave>> What does this say: “The dog chased the cat”?
Player>> The dog chased the cat?
[GM]Dave>> Well, apparently you can read.
[GM]Dave>> I had to check.
Player>> What do you mean?
[GM]Dave>> Well, you went to the help desk.
Player>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> And then you got a menu that told you not to make GM calls.
Player>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> And that GM calls are only for emergencies.
Player>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> Do you not know where I’m going with this?

The most irritating part of dealing with these people is that they are completely unable to understand how stupid they are.

Luckily, I am a registered councilor in stupidity acceptance.

[GM]Dave>> I would like to thank you for pointing this out.
[GM]Dave>> And I hope you haven’t been traumatized by this emergency.
Player>> I’m okay. It wasn’t really a problem.
[GM]Dave>> Don’t be modest. You’re a hero of the people.
[GM]Dave>> Your calmness in the face of adversity will be of great value to us.

Now, do you see what I did there?

I used the word value. People like this do not understand the multiple meanings of this word.

We say ‘Value’ and they hear ‘Money’.

Wait for it.

Player>> Value?

Wait for it.

Player>> Is there a reward?

And there it is.

Seriously. All you have to do is give these people a chance and they will jump at it.

[GM]Dave>> Actually, there is.
[GM]Dave>> We have a special Rare/Ex headgear that we give for important calls.
[GM]Dave>> It’s called the “Helm of Drat’Er”.
Player>> Really?
[GM]Dave>> But I’m sure someone like you could never accept a reward.
Player>> Sure, I could.
[GM]Dave>> I’m shocked.
[GM]Dave>> I can trade it now if you like.
Player>> Yes, please.

This isn’t even challenging anymore.

I’ve had a harder time beating my little brother at Twister.

Poor colorblind bastard.

[GM]Dave>> Okay. Trading now.

[GM]Dave offers to trade with you.
Trade completed.

[GM]Dave>> Go ahead and equip it.
Player>> Cool.
Player>> …
Player>> Is it supposed to look like this?
[GM]Dave>> I think so.
[GM]Dave>> Why?
Player>> It looks weird.
[GM]Dave>> I think it’s like an Aht Urghan turban.
[GM]Dave>> Or a giant ass.
Player>> An ass?
[GM]Dave>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> It really doesn’t look like a turban from this angle.
Player>> Umm… this doesn’t say Helm of Drat’Er…
[GM]Dave>> It’s doesn’t?
[GM]Dave>> /em is shocked.
[GM]Dave>> What does it say?
Player>> “Retard Hat”
[GM]Dave>> Maybe you’re dyslexic.
Player>> No, I’m not.
[GM]Dave>> Sey, uoy era.
Player>> That makes no sense.
[GM]Dave>> Of course it doesn’t.
[GM]Dave>> Dyslexia is like that.
Player>> I’m not dyslexic.
[GM]Dave>> Ko.
Player>> Stop that.
[GM]Dave>> Wtah?
Player>> KNOCK THAT OFF!
Player>> Oh damn.
Player>> Ohdamnohdamnohdamn.
[GM]Dave>> Something wrong?
Player>> It won’t unequip.
[GM]Dave>> Of course not.
[GM]Dave>> We want everyone to know you’re a big hero.
Player>> Fix it.
[GM]Dave>> I’m sorry. That’s not an emergency.
[GM]Dave>> GM calls are only for serious emergencies.
[GM]Dave>> Can I help you with anything else today?

[GM]Dave says: Don’t make stupid GM calls.

Or normal GM calls.

Don’t call me.

posted by Goblin Smithy @ 9:11 PM