Friday, September 08, 2006

Swing And A Miss...

We had some very scary worrisome troubling interesting news here recently.

I say scary worrisome troubling interesting because this is the type of news you're never really ready for. The kind of news that just sneaks up on you and then beats the shit out of you like a damned Thief in Ballista.

You're just standing there minding your own business, looking around at the pretty scenery and then BAM! You've got a new nostril where your trachea used to be.

I mean is it really fair to just sneak up on a guy like that? Couldn't you give a brother some warning or something?

Oh... I didn't tell you the news yet...

Yeah, so Susan's pregnant.

Anyway, back to my Ballista analogy. See, Thieves have this ability called Hide that allows them...

What?

Are you still dwelling on that?

I'll assume you're surprised. Lord knows I was.

And I was there.

Most likely drunk, but there nonetheless.

I remember there was some stuff. There was much rolling around.

And, due to a severe lack of pants, it is entirely possible that an offspring may have resulted.

But still, you're never quite ready for that moment.

In case you've never been there, here's a little play I like to call "[GM]Dave Gets News, Then Goes Retarded."

Susan>> Hi, honey.
[GM]Dave>> What's wrong?
Susan>> What do you mean?
Susan>> I only said hi.
[GM]Dave>> Yeah, but you're smiling.
[GM]Dave>> See, women are like sharks.
[GM]Dave>> If you see teeth, something bad is about to happen.
Susan>> It's not bad...
Susan>> We just need to talk.
[GM]Dave>> Oh damn.
Susan>> What now?
[GM]Dave>> No one needs to talk.
[GM]Dave>> People say "we need to talk"...
[GM]Dave>> But they mean "I'm about to kill you with words."
Susan>> Listen...
Susan>> I'm pregnant.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> ...
Susan>> Dave?
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> ...
Susan>> Dave?
[GM]Dave>> We're sorry.
[GM]Dave>> Your tell could not be received because the other...
Susan>> Knock that off!
Susan>> I'm serious.
[GM]Dave>> I think I'm having an aneurysm.
[GM]Dave>> Is there blood coming out of my ears?
Susan>> Not yet.
Susan>> We'll see how this conversation goes, though.
[GM]Dave>> Okay...
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> ...
Susan>> Okay what?
[GM]Dave>> That's all I've come up with so far.
Susan>> This is good news.
[GM]Dave>> Oh, yeah...
[GM]Dave>> ... Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> Are you sure?
Susan>> Am I sure this is good news?
[GM]Dave>> Are you sure you're pregnant?
[GM]Dave>> I mean how late are you?
Susan>> Chocobo raising update late.
[GM]Dave>> ... Damn.
[GM]Dave>> That's late.
Susan>> I took the test and...
[GM]Dave>> Test?
[GM]Dave>> What test?
[GM]Dave>> Maybe we could retake it.
Susan>> I think you're losing perspective.
Susan>> We're having a baby.
[GM]Dave>> Are we ready for a baby?
[GM]Dave>> Do we have all the key items?
[GM]Dave>> What if we lose it?
[GM]Dave>> What's the recast timer on a baby?
Susan>> Honey...
Susan>> I think you've gone into the bad place.
Susan>> Babies are just like people.
Susan>> Just smaller.
[GM]Dave>> But I don't like people.
[GM]Dave>> I hate people.
Susan>> Babies are like small people that can't talk.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> I'm listening.
Susan>> We're going to have a beautiful little baby.
Susan>> And we can teach him or her new things.
[GM]Dave>> Like what?
[GM]Dave>> Crafting?
Susan>> Like walking and talking.
[GM]Dave>> I can barely do those things.
Susan>> Oh, that's okay.
Susan>> I'm going to teach the baby to ignore anything you say.
[GM]Dave>> That's...
[GM]Dave>> That's actually a good idea.
Susan>> Don't worry.
Susan>> Everything's going to be okay.
Susan>> Nine months from now, we'll be having our own baby.
[GM]Dave>> Hmmm...
Susan>> What?
[GM]Dave>> I hope I don't have Dynamis that night.
[GM]Dave>> I'd hate to miss it.
Susan>> It won't kill you to miss one Dynamis run.
[GM]Dave>> Wait...
[GM]Dave>> Who said anything about missing Dynamis?

In retrospect, I probably could have handled that better.

On the bright side, soon I will have a brand new, tiny human being to nurture and care for.

And as soon as I can get my damned chocobo to wake the hell up, I may actually feel good about my parenting abilities.

They'd better beta test this baby first.

60 Comments:

At 7:30 PM, Blogger Haunted Gummy Bears said...

Thats what you get for unbanning Susan's account and having wild freaky sex :) Look at it this way, you can raise this kid to play games and not be stupid. Or it could completely backfire.

 
At 7:51 PM, Blogger Onionsoilder said...

Orz. Well then...

Umm...

...

...

...

...

...

Whos up for pizza?

 
At 7:57 PM, Blogger shelby said...

Congradulations!

 
At 8:10 PM, Blogger Brenndan said...

A little [GM]Dave huh? I'll have to double check but I'm pretty sure thats one of the signs of the apocolypse.... I'll get back to you on that. Oh, and by the way.... Congratulations.

 
At 8:22 PM, Blogger Myloko said...

Bow chicka wow woooooow! XD

 
At 8:41 PM, Blogger Ace said...

Hey, look at it this way [GM]Dave, now you can teach a kid to play the game right and not make stupid GM Calls, or make him a spy in the community to flush out the idiots.... But im complicated like that.

 
At 8:45 PM, Blogger Jason said...

Long time reader, first time poster, and so forth. Just want to say congratulations!

 
At 8:51 PM, Blogger discordkitty said...

I've read your blog for ages but never posted. I just wanted to say congrats to you both! Looking forward to [GM]Baby updates!

 
At 8:54 PM, Blogger creature124 said...

(|Congradulations!|)

be sure to keep us updated...tech him/her to follow in your footsteps. [GM]Baby has an interesting ring to it...

 
At 9:10 PM, Blogger DeaconBlue said...

congratz

 
At 9:19 PM, Blogger Joanna said...

Whoa, that's crazy . . . I have a little one of my own so if you ever want any advice or something you can just ask :)

 
At 9:23 PM, Blogger Texgnome1 said...

[GM]Dave>> Yeah, but you're smiling.
[GM]Dave>> See, women are like sharks.
[GM]Dave>> If you see teeth, something bad is about to happen.


Really, this is such a true line. You poor poor bastard.

What the hell is the matter with you? Next thing you know she'll be wanting you to make her [Mrs.GM]Dave. Dave? Dave? Wake up Dave! Crap, he won't wake up. What's the number for 9-1-1??? Hehehe.

 
At 9:26 PM, Blogger Dyamalos said...

I'm at work, and I'm trying to get to read this on my phone... my phone decides to eat its own tail and kills the battery. Then I'm thinking about something and the thought pops into my head (don't ask me why) of [GM]Dave reproducing...


I read this post, and I think I'm developing psychic powers... Not the first time something like this has happened...

 
At 9:30 PM, Blogger Aerisrannara of Fairy said...

Awww!!! Congrats to both of you!!!

 
At 9:38 PM, Blogger WanderingJ said...

What will the child's name be? Or are you still performing a mental reboot?

 
At 9:45 PM, Blogger zerombr said...

a Taru version of {GM} Dave? Can't you just picture him with a stuffed Pathfinder or plush Jormungand to cuddle up against? I can just see GM Dave being called to the principal's office because his son kept claiming to ban people

Goldsmithingulations, GM Dave!

 
At 10:21 PM, Blogger Ichiroson said...

Is Jormy... baby friendly ?

 
At 10:29 PM, Blogger Hyperbeast said...

In nine months, the entire world will start it's descent into chaos.

Yeah, I like the sound of [GM]Baby too.

 
At 10:33 PM, Blogger TrueStoryGuy said...

GM]Dave>> But I don't like people.
[GM]Dave>> I hate people.
Susan>> Babies are like small people that can't talk.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> I'm listening.


I lost it there, that was pure genius, I just couldn't stop laughing. Great and funny post, and congratulations; if you can wait for the download.

 
At 11:01 PM, Blogger Gray Fox said...

Well, what can I say, congratulations to you two.
I would wait to see the chaos that would result from a tiny [GM]Dave, but I don't think I can actually wait that much and still remember. XD

On a brighter note, you can get your own inside agent into FF XI later on I guess.

 
At 11:06 PM, Blogger Steve said...

[GM]Dave>> Are you sure you're pregnant?
[GM]Dave>> I mean how late are you?
Susan>> Chocobo raising update late.
[GM]Dave>> ... Damn.
[GM]Dave>> That's late.


Pure Genius. [GM]Dave..your the shit

 
At 11:12 PM, Blogger Jed said...

Grats Dave, may you raise your spawn to be a wise and gentle person.


OR the spiting image of you, your pick.

 
At 11:14 PM, Blogger Dyamalos said...

I just thought of something!


[GM]Dave = God
Susan = The "virgin" Merry
Baby = Jesus!

All we're missing is a drug trip involving "spirits" and we got ourselves a branch off religion of Davism!

 
At 11:19 PM, Blogger LastGun said...

How do you mispell Mary?

 
At 11:31 PM, Blogger JKnight said...

Dude ur shit makes me wanna piss my self its soo funny! I will deffnitly enjoy reading more. I have actually just recently sent this website to my friends, one said he almost craped his pants and fell on the floor, good blogs man!!

 
At 12:15 AM, Blogger Miklasz said...

Well, just think. Now you shouldn't have to worry so much about people asking to have your children. Susan's already taken care of that.

Congratulations

 
At 1:40 AM, Blogger Pyro3000 said...

Dave you're looking at it all wrong.

you're going to get a mortal being to do your bidding!

I bet you could even train him to use a dragon effeciently.

Imagine the chaos this child could cause. All you have to do is teach him pure evil!

 
At 1:43 AM, Blogger Pyro3000 said...

I just thought of something else.

Now you never have to leave the computer again. You can make it bring you food and drink.

You could even start going in a bottle and have the kid empty it.

Oh the possibilities!

 
At 3:49 AM, Blogger Daniel of Remora said...

The Apocolypse has begun...

 
At 4:50 AM, Blogger Citizen Bleys said...

Just one favor: If it's a boy, don't name him "Todd."

I could never take anyone named "Todd" seriously.

 
At 4:59 AM, Blogger critterffxi said...

You.... poor poor miserable bastard.. I'm so sorry...

I don't have a son (I might in like 10 years >.>;) I have 2 brothers under age: 3...

They don't talk... They cry.
And complain.
And don't shut up.
And at 2... They turn into a Damien... I'm so sorry YOU (the lest impatient person I know....) have to deal with that in 9 months of hell (those 9 months will also be hell) and the last 3 months? NO SEX muhahahahahahaa
P.S. your life is now fucked.

 
At 4:59 AM, Blogger critterffxi said...

Edit: least*

 
At 6:02 AM, Blogger Remus said...

I'm a long-time reader, but this is my first post.

Congrats!
Maybe you can teach him/her to aid you on your crusade against MMO idiocy...

 
At 6:11 AM, Blogger CaesarsGhost said...

*screams*
*screams*
*screams*
*screams*
*screams*
*screams*
*screams*
*screams*
*screams*

 
At 7:35 AM, Blogger LastGun said...

kids are... meh.

 
At 7:46 AM, Blogger Alison the Amazing Thief said...

Congrats! That's very exciting news. Just a bit of warning: The pregnancy can make a woman a bit... um... interesting. Interesting meaning, uncomfortable, emotional, angry, violent, and completely unaware that she's acting like a crazy woman. Just keep telling her how beautiful she looks, keep your head down, and NEVER say the word fat even if you're not even talking about her. I'm sure you're going to be a great dad.

 
At 7:47 AM, Blogger mini cuentos de terror said...

Dave;i wish u all the luck in the world with this; but forget about slepping at night ;). Congrats!

 
At 10:15 AM, Blogger Lee said...

R I P Dave.

Life as you know it has ended.

 
At 10:51 AM, Blogger Esined said...

Grats... I think?
I have 3 lil demons.. I mean kids myself.. its not all that bad.


OMFG I gotta go!!! my boy trying to pull another stunt! /sigh

 
At 11:02 AM, Blogger BortekTheWhinyWimp said...

Correct me if I'm wrong, but this would sort of make you a senior GM, while the little one will take the junior part.. [SGM]Dave (:

And.. well.. this sounds kinda funny, considering your life sort of ends here, but.. anyway.. congratulations :)

You thought of a name yet? Or will you leave that part to Susan?

 
At 11:58 AM, Blogger Spoonybard said...

[GM]Dave>> I mean how late are you?
Susan>> Chocobo raising update late.


I laughed so hard there. Congrats Dave. From a fellow person now missing Dynamis for his kid, it gets better. 4 years old and now she's helping me play... and by helping I mean causing my death... I'm thinking of giving her one of my mules to play with >.>

 
At 12:00 PM, Blogger Czarina said...

I will be more worried with Susan trying to get married before her tummy start to get big.

Either way, Congratulations [GM] Dave. Your life is about to change either for the good or the bad.

Also, Congratulations and good luck to Susan too. ^.^

 
At 12:02 PM, Blogger Drescher the Great said...

Congrats. A small child to warp into your own image.. Lol.

 
At 12:45 PM, Blogger Yo Alejandro said...

All hail the new mesiah coming!!!!

All Hail [GM]Dave and his owners Susan AND [GM]Baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 
At 1:15 PM, Blogger dickkead said...

Now you should let your fans vote on a name for the little (soon to be) bastard.

My money goes on "Mike Ocksard [GMDave's last name]"

 
At 2:56 PM, Blogger Jennifer said...

congratulations to you and susan both on your new joy! kids are great. looks like now you'll be moving again... into 2 bedroom ^^

 
At 4:25 PM, Blogger Draconix said...

critterffxi,

Actually you would be wrong on that part of the last 3 months of not having sex. Its actually encouraged to have sex uptil the baby is born. The reason being is because it makes it easier for a woman for some reason I do not know but this is told by numerous women friends who have house apes to do their bidding. Congrats Dave!

 
At 6:17 PM, Blogger Niclamus said...

Grats GM dave, may your life NOT turn to hell :P

 
At 8:42 PM, Blogger hello fodder said...

You're going to become a father? Congratulations to you and Susan. I want to give you wise, comforting and encouraging advice, but all I can think of is:

"Hail, Adventurer!"
"I understand you're tired of being cool."

 
At 11:43 AM, Blogger Furioku said...

Three Words: Kids Are Hell.

 
At 12:36 PM, Blogger moofaloof said...

one word: wewt!

 
At 4:22 AM, Blogger terii said...

I had my fair shared of...

"Honey... We need to talk... I am late..."
*Performs seppuku*

But in the end all were false alarms. Well, nevertheless, congrats!

 
At 6:28 AM, Blogger luther349 said...

your life is now over. no ff time for gm dave.

 
At 1:01 PM, Blogger skylar said...

First time poster, long time reader ETC ETC. Congrants Dave, I just hope two of you dont INSTA-BANN all of FFXII someday.

 
At 6:08 PM, Blogger Zanbatou-sama said...

Heh. My friend's chocobo sleeps all the time. I think it's dead now.

 
At 9:03 AM, Blogger Kerensky said...

remimber unlike the chocobo if you leave your baby at home unfed for 4 days it won't be alive...

btw you can do that to your chocobo .. asleep 3 days then I ignored it 2 more and it was still alive..

oh ya and don't kill it.. or anything.. and keep the baby safe too..

 
At 11:21 AM, Blogger Heavensword said...

[GM]Babygirltwin1>>Daddy? Me and sissy were in the Vak...sandy pwace and some big, ugwy haiwy guy was saying we were cute. He wouldn't stop.
[GM]Babygirltwin2>>Yeah. We towd him our dad's a GM and he wouldn't beweive us. Can you give him the dewucks package pwease?

 
At 9:40 PM, Blogger The Answer said...

so like..... any names so far? I'm thinking... "GM Dave Jr." if its a boy.

....


he could have his own theme song, except take out "James Bond" and put in "GM Dave"

 
At 1:06 PM, Blogger Arcane said...

Anyone else find it funny to learn that he was actually on a Dynamis run when Susan went into labor?

 
At 2:01 AM, Blogger tyranastrasz said...

So there I was, trawling through the archives, and as I read this post I realized [GM]Dave's child would be six years old at the time of this comment.

I hope she's learning leet gaming skills already.

 

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