Saturday, August 12, 2006

What's In A Name?

Okay, I've got to get this out. This has been pissing me off since I started playing this game.

Hell, it's bothered me since the beginning of the intarweb.

What the hell is with the emo names?

Yes, yes. You picture yourself as some dark, mysterious avenger.

I'm sure your mom thinks you are very cool.

But you know what? Calling yourself Darktalonnightblack or what the hell ever doesn't make you dark and mysterious.

It makes you retarded.

Honestly, I can't even begin to count the sheer number of emo names that I see on a daily basis.

What must go through people's heads as they're looking at the character creation screen?

Emotard>> Hmmm... I need to choose a name.
Emotard>> Should I be creative?
Emotard>> Wait... maybe I can just jumble together a bunch of words.
Emotard>> Words like dark and scary.
Emotard>> That's a great idea.

I want everyone to do me a big favor.

Are you ready?

Log on to your account and go to the character selection screen.

If any of your characters have a retardedly emo name, I want you to delete that character.

That includes any name that includes the words Dark or Talon.

Or Night.

Also, if your name is some pathetic attempt to seem intellectual or poetic, feel free to delete those, too.

This would include names like Deathembodied, Eternaldarkness, Nightshadow.

No, no. Don't bother transfering any items before you delete them. They are forever tainted by your idiocy.

I get that this is a fantasy game. I understand that.

How about fantasizing something less annoying?

Today, I was running through South San d'Oria on my main character. You know, minding my own business.

Suddenly, a player runs by me named (and I'm not making this up) Darkravenwing.





Words fail me.

I sat there for a moment, trying to comprehend the sheer emoness of that name. It was like it went beyond the normal realm of stupidity and folded in upon itself to create a singularity of retardedness.

Once my fragile, human brain was able to come to terms with this extradimensional level of stupid, I saw that I had no choice.

Something had to be done.

I quickly logged out and then logged back in under my GM account.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I'm afraid someone has reported your name.
Darkravenwing>> What do you mean?
Darkravenwing>> My name is not offensive.
[GM]Dave>> Well...
[GM]Dave>> That's a matter of opinion.
[GM]Dave>> Your name violates code 4.5.113.
Darkravenwing>> I don't understand.
Darkravenwing>> What code is that?
[GM]Dave>> Hold on a sec...
[GM]Dave>> Got to grab my manual.
[GM]Dave>> Hmmm... 4.5.113...
[GM]Dave>> Oh, here it is.
[GM]Dave>> Rules concerning rampant stupidity.
Darkravenwing>> Wait...
Darkravenwing>> I still don't understand.
[GM]Dave>> Somehow, I'm not surprised.
[GM]Dave>> Let me put it in layman's terms.
[GM]Dave>> Your.
[GM]Dave>> Name.
[GM]Dave>> Is.
[GM]Dave>> Retarded.
Darkravenwing>> Someone reported my name for being stupid?
[GM]Dave>> I think they actually said gundam-emo-tarded.
Darkravenwing>> That's ridiculous.
[GM]Dave>> Hey!
[GM]Dave>> I worked really hard on that.
Darkravenwing>> You reported me?
[GM]Dave>> Someone had to.
[GM]Dave>> Your name is a crime against intelligence.
Darkravenwing>> There's nothing wrong with my name.
Darkravenwing>> I want to appeal your report.
[GM]Dave>> Hold on.
[GM]Dave>> I'll run this by the appeals committee.

*dramatic pause*

[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry.
[GM]Dave>> The committee denied your appeal.
Darkravenwing>> That was fast.
[GM]Dave>> Not really.
[GM]Dave>> I usually agree with myself pretty quickly.
Darkravenwing>> Wait, wait, wait...
Darkravenwing>> You're the appeals committee?
[GM]Dave>> Didn't I mention that?
[GM]Dave>> It really speeds up the process.
Darkravenwing>> There has to be something else.
Darkravenwing>> Is there a judge or someone I can talk to?
[GM]Dave>> Of course there is.
Darkravenwing>> ...
Darkravenwing>> That's you, too, isn't it?
[GM]Dave>> Yeah.
Darkravenwing>> Don't I have the right to a fair trial or something?
[GM]Dave>> What a silly rule.
[GM]Dave>> Fair trial...
[GM]Dave>> What kind of justice system would use fair trials?
Darkravenwing>> But how does an player prove their innocence?
[GM]Dave>> Well... We run a series of tests.
[GM]Dave>> That usually clears up the problem.
Darkravenwing>> What's the first test?
[GM]Dave>> We ban you.
[GM]Dave>> If the problem stops, it is obvious you are guilty.
Darkravenwing>> How does that prove a player innocent?
[GM]Dave>> You know... That's never come up.
Darkravenwing>> This is insane.
Darkravenwing>> I'M INNOCENT.
[GM]Dave>> I believe you.
[GM]Dave>> But I'm afraid the judge wants to make an example.
Darkravenwing>> But you're the judge!
[GM]Dave>> Yeah...
[GM]Dave>> Tough call.
Darkravenwing>> There must be someone else I can talk to.
Darkravenwing>> Anyone else.
[GM]Dave>> Well...
[GM]Dave>> There is the complaints manager.


Darkravenwing>> Excellent.
Darkravenwing>> Can I speak with him please?
[GM]Dave>> Let me see if he's free.


Darkravenwing>> What's going on?

Jormungand hits Darkravenwing for 15,994 points of damage.
Darkravenwing was defeated by Jormungand.
Darkravenwing falls to level 48.

[GM]Dave>> I love the justice system.

Listen. There's really no excuse for a stupid name.

If you can't come up with something creative and non-emo, just mash your hand on the keyboard.

Trust me. Even a jumble of random letters will look less retarded.


At 7:48 PM, Blogger Siegtaru said...


About time you stick it to those emo named bastards! MAKE AN EXAMPLE OF HIM! >=D

At 8:50 PM, Blogger Jirizo Reborn said...

Name > Jirizo..

Good enough?

Great post. I hate emotards aswell. It's nice to see something is being done about them.

At 10:07 PM, Blogger Skyline_Evo8 said...

I was feeling creative wjen I made mine, so I just used my real name. Unfortunately, "Stave" was taken by a JP on Fairy, so I just added my last. I think using real names is the answer to our problems, so instead of "Hey Dark" (when there are like 5 "Dark___'s in your LS", people can be like, "Hey Chris". It gets serious when "/sea all dark" gets more results than say, "/sea all b".

At 10:21 PM, Blogger Ridicule: Man of peaches! said...

I must agree, he who does not accept the peach.... WILL TURN EMO! AND HENCE FORTH BE BANNED! Or Jormy will devour your tainted soul and shit in your corn flakes.

At 11:51 PM, Blogger Paulie said...

Emo Bastards!!! KILL THEM ALL!

At 12:30 AM, Blogger Majivo said...

What the hell, is Dave from Bismarck? There's a Darkravenwing, Eternaldarkness and Nightshadow on there.

I've MPK'ed all three.

At 12:30 AM, Blogger Kerensky said...

idk nightshadow is a well used name.. if you intend it as it should be used.. that being I wouldn't use it cause i am not a tardo emo freek.. but it is a well used name.

I would go with nightshade over night shadow..

I'm out of here befor I feel compelled to log in and chew out every one on pheonix whith a lame Id name. 2:25 am central time zone

At 1:26 AM, Blogger nefarious said...

There's a very good chance SE has simply "taken" or disallowed use of all the major FFXI names.

Sephiroth (Read: Goth posterchild)
and pretty much every other name from FF game out there.

Every now and then I see someone who used first and last name. I think Asura has a Tifalockhart...

I give them props for nabbing a genuine FF related name. They lose points on originality, but still, good name, as long as Tifa is a MNK, ect.

What I can't stand, or rather, a so fucking sick of it hurts...



Fuck you, you god damn retarded ass son of a fucking puppetmaster.

Get over the fact that the name of your faviorate FF character is taken. And refrain from attempting alternate spellings of Sephiroth, because they're all taken by people who rival you in faggotry.

I don't even think Jourmy would eat that shit as a laxative...

Baby jesus makes the drop rate on Thief Knife go down another fraction of a % every time you make an alternative spelling of Cloud. Please, fucking think of the Thieves...

At 2:00 AM, Blogger Reeree said...

I love how Jormungand appears to be leveling up on all these examples that are fed to him.

I think he's been spending merit points on his adventurer swallowing ability.

At 2:09 AM, Blogger Loki said...

"Even a jumble of random letters will look less retarded."

Umm...yeah...plenty of those around. We call them Gilsellers.

At 2:10 AM, Blogger Loki said...

"Even a jumble of random letters will look less retarded."

Umm...yeah...plenty of those around. We call them Gilsellers.

At 4:52 AM, Blogger Jota Be said...

Well, i have created plenty of those emo names for my friends :D Gladly, i create them in non-english languages, so they are safe from [GM]Dave

At 5:44 AM, Blogger CaesarsGhost said...

Fuckin little EMO bitches.


At 6:33 AM, Blogger Onionsoilder said...

"Even a jumble of random letters will look less retarded."

Umm...yeah...plenty of those around. We call them Gilsellers."

This is actually quite true...

At 10:24 AM, Blogger kitty monk said...

I think the best (worst?) name I've ever seen on Phoenix is... 'Cloudisthebest.'

At 11:03 AM, Blogger mountainmage said...

Trust me. Even a jumble of random letters will look less retarded.

but it will make you look like a rmt :X

At 11:38 AM, Blogger currentlypresent said...

"Even a jumble of random letters will look less retarded."

Techincally, xXxYYNightRavenYYxXx is a random jumble of letters. Food for thought.

At 11:45 AM, Blogger Knyte said...

idk, i would have my name be emo rather than it be OMGWTFBBQ

yes i have seen someone of that name, and yes i promptly blisted him

At 3:33 PM, Blogger Darktower said...

My name is Darktower but its not to be mysterious or anything. I'm just paying homage to a great book series by Stephen King, an RolandDeschain was too long. :p

At 9:36 PM, Blogger Penny Axewound said...

This post made my night-
I have been on this anti-emoness rant myself for far too long...
I think I love you :D

At 10:36 PM, Blogger loque said...

: If the problem stops, it is obvious you are guilty.
I loved that .. thank you Davey.

But in a way, the blog bugged me. Sure emo names are stupid, but running around in bastok looking at all the Galka NPCs gives those names a little justification.

I'd be Reekinglark...

At 4:01 AM, Blogger [GM]Dave_is_stupid said...

omg, what [GM]Dave is the ultimate moron ever. "Darkravenwing" name is retarded? And its so f cool to make fun of him because you have GM powers?
geeeeez .. what a stupid. i bet GM Dave has almost 15 years.

At 3:36 PM, Blogger Kairez said...

“Well, i have created plenty of those emo names for my friends :D Gladly, i create them in non-english languages, so they are safe from [GM]Dave”

Good idea. Sounds much more fantasy-like in other tongues... I had characters (in a story) with the last names Tenebra and Noxumbra (basic Latin words, but normal people don't know three words of Latin, so...).

Anyway, what about names with words that oppose those emo words like “day”, “shine,” and “light,” or even neutral words like “twilight” and “grey?”

At 5:01 PM, Blogger Israfel said...

Re: [GM]dave_is_stupid

At least he manages to string together a coherent statement, whereas you took the time to register this name just to make a nonsensical post about how you think the retarded emo name in the entry was cool. You fail at life.

Come back when you're older and can spell and use grammar like the big boys.

At 10:39 PM, Blogger Noone said...

gah, i would have to delete all my change, can i have it (:

At 9:32 AM, Blogger Samatarou said...

I have a character from a while back which doesnt have the greatest name...i wonder if Dave would let me change my name? without deleting my character of course....prolly not eh?

At 8:26 PM, Blogger Paul Revered said...

I have a mule that got autonamed "Nightchicken". Are Galkas emo?

At 8:38 PM, Blogger nano said...

After reading this, I logged in to find 'Painofsuffering' running by.. couldn't stop laughing..

At 8:43 PM, Blogger nano said...

geeeeez .. what a stupid. i bet GM Dave has almost 15 years

What could this possibly mean..

geeeeez (Good golly gosh) .. what a stupid (thing I just wrote). i bet GM Dave has almost 15 years (of reading comprehension skills above mine).


At 4:05 PM, Blogger Zanbatou-sama said...

That's pretty funny. My step-brother's character name was Nightshadow on the Shiva server. But you don't have to worry about seeing it again. My brother cancelled the ID so it wouldn't be charged and three months later, he forgot to reactivate it. ^^

At 8:05 AM, Blogger Fircefairy said...

Mine in the game is Fiercefairy,and I was not the one to pick it! My son installed the game and choose it for me.I thought it was kinda cute so I kept it.

At 6:17 PM, Blogger Zanbatou-sama said...

Well, at least SE doesn't allow numbers in the names. I'd die if I saw some thing like I2rich4u or something like that.

At 1:48 AM, Blogger Moogen said...

ya dude, kill emos, but man just going around and "banning" people because of their names.. like wow... every one hates emos... but just because of a messed up name and dooshbag player doesnt give anyone the right to ban them. them paying the game means they have the right to be stupid and having gay names. although its not the nams that should consern you its the fact that there are emos with money to spend playing this wonderfull game

At 3:56 AM, Blogger Akamar said...

Name dictionaries have been my friends for years. There are a number of them online. If one's got the time to play, I'm sure they've got the time to spend a few minutes looking for a unique, single name that they can be pleased with.

If they've got the braincells, they might even be able to modify it slightly to their liking.

I do hate the emo-names... Short of tribal type cultures (hmm.. no, no native american looking races in the character creation screen... hmmm) I can't see any reason for having a tribal type name. And we don't play mobs, which are about as close as one would get.

And what character parent would be that cruel to themselves? it'd have been cheaper, and far kinder to all beings around the unfortuantely named, to employ the use of a burlap sack and the ample bodies of water found readily around any given major city.

At 4:20 AM, Blogger NightbirdX said...

Lol, I have Nightbird as my main character's name, but that came more from me being up all night and sleeping all day than from anything else. I've always been called Nightbird. Then again... my first main was Drk... maybe I am blinded by my own emo self so absolutely that I am not able to see the fact that I chose an emo name... Nah, I'll just stick with the first option. :P

At 8:41 AM, Blogger Martmeisterpaladin said...

OK, so which name DO you accept? If I decided to name my character "Simsin Schnibble" or something along those lines, would that be acceptable?


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