Bannable Offenses

Those Useless GMs

Okay, we're going to do a little experiment. I want everyone to imagine it's your job to deal with complete idiots all day.

Absolute morons.

Every once in a while, you have to talk to a normal person. These islands in a sea of stupidity are, however, exceptionally rare.

With me so far?

Now, tell me how long your patience would last.

If you said more than one day, you are a dirty liar.

That is what annoys me so much about people who rant about "useless GMs". It's damned easy to be critical when you're not doing the goddamned work.

We're not useless. We're just sick off all this crap.

You ever hear the story of the boy who cried wolf? Read that fifteen hundred times and you'll be where I am right now.

Welcome to Apathy. Feel indifferent about your stay.

Today, someone actually sent a GM call to complain about useless GMs.

I want you to fully understand the stupidity of this concept. There are only two things that can come from this idea:

1) You are right. We are useless.

Of course, being useless, we wouldn't really bother to read your retarded GM call, now would we? You have completely and utterly wasted your time.

Congratulations. You're an idiot.

2) You are wrong. We are not useless.

Of course, if we're not useless, we will read this call and become quite angry. You have actively angered people that you know ban people for being stupid.

Congratulations. You're an idiot.

So, the best you can possibly hope for is that I don't show up and feed you to a dragon.

That is the best case scenario.

But GMs are not useless. I read this call (in between shots) and decided an education was in order.

Class is in session, bitches.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you wish to cancel your account.
Player>> No.
Player>> I want to complain about you GMs.
Player>> You're all useless.
[GM]Dave>> I apologize, Ma'am.
Player>> I'm a guy.
[GM]Dave>> Oh...
[GM]Dave>> Being such a whiny bitch, I assumed.
[GM]Dave>> My bad.
Player>> HEY!
[GM]Dave>> Now, why would you say we're useless?
Player>> You don't do anything.
[GM]Dave>> Well... that would be the definition of useless.
[GM]Dave>> Care to elaborate, Webster?
Player>> GMs don't do anything to stop cheaters.
Player>> You're useless in stopping them.
[GM]Dave>> And you could do better?
Player>> Any day of the week.
[GM]Dave>> How about today?
Player>> What do you mean?
[GM]Dave>> Today is a day of the week.
[GM]Dave>> Why don't you do a better job than me?
Player>> You're going to give me GM powers?
[GM]Dave>> Are you retarded?
[GM]Dave>> Of course not.
[GM]Dave>> We'll call you a consultant.
Player>> What do I do?
[GM]Dave>> Show me these problems we ignore.
Player>> I can do that.
Player>> Let's start with the gil sellers.
[GM]Dave>> We have gil sellers?
[GM]Dave>> When did that happen?
Player>> They've always been there.
[GM]Dave>> I'm shocked.
[GM]Dave>> I've never heard of this.
[GM]Dave>> That's so wrong.
Player>> Oh, they're all over the place.
[GM]Dave>> We should really do something about this.
Player>> You should ban them.
[GM]Dave>> Oh, totally.
[GM]Dave>> You just point them out.

So, we spend a few hours tracking down random gil sellers and banning them.

Then, he starts to slow down a bit.

[GM]Dave>> Where to now?
Player>> Uhh...
Player>> This is starting to get old.
Player>> What about MPKers?
[GM]Dave>> Who in the what now?
Player>> MPKers.
Player>> People who kill other players using monsters.
[GM]Dave>> ARE YOU SERIOUS?!
[GM]Dave>> We so need to ban those guys.
Player>> Okay. Cool.

So, we spend another couple of hours tracking down MPKers.

Ban, ban, ban.

I gotta say, I'm having fun. Unfortunately, my companion is starting to slow down again.

Player>> Damn, this is taking a while.
[GM]Dave>> We can't stop now.
[GM]Dave>> I'm finally making a difference.
Player>> I need to take a break.
[GM]Dave>> But I will be lost without your guidance.
[GM]Dave>> What will I do?
Player>> Just find people breaking the rules and ban them.
[GM]Dave>> So anyone who breaks a rule gets banned?
[GM]Dave>> Any rule at all?
Player>> Yeah.
Player>> If they broke a rule, they deserve it.
[GM]Dave>> I understand.
[GM]Dave>> Thank you.
[GM]Dave>> I feel bad that I have to delete your account.
Player>> WHAT?!
Player>> WHAT FOR?!
[GM]Dave>> Technically...
[GM]Dave>> This call doesn't qualify as an emergency.
[GM]Dave>> You broke a rule.
Player>> And you're going to ban me FOR THAT?!
[GM]Dave>> Well, I wouldn't want people to think I'm useless.
[GM]Dave>> Cheating is cheating.
Player>> BUT I HELPED YOU!
[GM]Dave>> Yeah...
[GM]Dave>> Thanks again.

I like to think I made a difference in that boy's life today.

Hopefully tomorrow, he'll be less retarded.

posted by Goblin Smithy @ 6:07 PM