Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Those Useless GMs

Okay, we're going to do a little experiment. I want everyone to imagine it's your job to deal with complete idiots all day.

Absolute morons.

Every once in a while, you have to talk to a normal person. These islands in a sea of stupidity are, however, exceptionally rare.

With me so far?

Now, tell me how long your patience would last.

If you said more than one day, you are a dirty liar.

That is what annoys me so much about people who rant about "useless GMs". It's damned easy to be critical when you're not doing the goddamned work.

We're not useless. We're just sick off all this crap.

You ever hear the story of the boy who cried wolf? Read that fifteen hundred times and you'll be where I am right now.

Welcome to Apathy. Feel indifferent about your stay.

Today, someone actually sent a GM call to complain about useless GMs.

I want you to fully understand the stupidity of this concept. There are only two things that can come from this idea:

1) You are right. We are useless.

Of course, being useless, we wouldn't really bother to read your retarded GM call, now would we? You have completely and utterly wasted your time.

Congratulations. You're an idiot.

2) You are wrong. We are not useless.

Of course, if we're not useless, we will read this call and become quite angry. You have actively angered people that you know ban people for being stupid.

Congratulations. You're an idiot.

So, the best you can possibly hope for is that I don't show up and feed you to a dragon.

That is the best case scenario.

But GMs are not useless. I read this call (in between shots) and decided an education was in order.

Class is in session, bitches.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you wish to cancel your account.
Player>> No.
Player>> I want to complain about you GMs.
Player>> You're all useless.
[GM]Dave>> I apologize, Ma'am.
Player>> I'm a guy.
[GM]Dave>> Oh...
[GM]Dave>> Being such a whiny bitch, I assumed.
[GM]Dave>> My bad.
Player>> HEY!
[GM]Dave>> Now, why would you say we're useless?
Player>> You don't do anything.
[GM]Dave>> Well... that would be the definition of useless.
[GM]Dave>> Care to elaborate, Webster?
Player>> GMs don't do anything to stop cheaters.
Player>> You're useless in stopping them.
[GM]Dave>> And you could do better?
Player>> Any day of the week.
[GM]Dave>> How about today?
Player>> What do you mean?
[GM]Dave>> Today is a day of the week.
[GM]Dave>> Why don't you do a better job than me?
Player>> You're going to give me GM powers?
[GM]Dave>> Are you retarded?
[GM]Dave>> Of course not.
[GM]Dave>> We'll call you a consultant.
Player>> What do I do?
[GM]Dave>> Show me these problems we ignore.
Player>> I can do that.
Player>> Let's start with the gil sellers.
[GM]Dave>> We have gil sellers?
[GM]Dave>> When did that happen?
Player>> They've always been there.
[GM]Dave>> I'm shocked.
[GM]Dave>> I've never heard of this.
[GM]Dave>> That's so wrong.
Player>> Oh, they're all over the place.
[GM]Dave>> We should really do something about this.
Player>> You should ban them.
[GM]Dave>> Oh, totally.
[GM]Dave>> You just point them out.

So, we spend a few hours tracking down random gil sellers and banning them.

Then, he starts to slow down a bit.

[GM]Dave>> Where to now?
Player>> Uhh...
Player>> This is starting to get old.
Player>> What about MPKers?
[GM]Dave>> Who in the what now?
Player>> MPKers.
Player>> People who kill other players using monsters.
[GM]Dave>> We so need to ban those guys.
Player>> Okay. Cool.

So, we spend another couple of hours tracking down MPKers.

Ban, ban, ban.

I gotta say, I'm having fun. Unfortunately, my companion is starting to slow down again.

Player>> Damn, this is taking a while.
[GM]Dave>> We can't stop now.
[GM]Dave>> I'm finally making a difference.
Player>> I need to take a break.
[GM]Dave>> But I will be lost without your guidance.
[GM]Dave>> What will I do?
Player>> Just find people breaking the rules and ban them.
[GM]Dave>> So anyone who breaks a rule gets banned?
[GM]Dave>> Any rule at all?
Player>> Yeah.
Player>> If they broke a rule, they deserve it.
[GM]Dave>> I understand.
[GM]Dave>> Thank you.
[GM]Dave>> I feel bad that I have to delete your account.
Player>> WHAT?!
Player>> WHAT FOR?!
[GM]Dave>> Technically...
[GM]Dave>> This call doesn't qualify as an emergency.
[GM]Dave>> You broke a rule.
Player>> And you're going to ban me FOR THAT?!
[GM]Dave>> Well, I wouldn't want people to think I'm useless.
[GM]Dave>> Cheating is cheating.
[GM]Dave>> Yeah...
[GM]Dave>> Thanks again.

I like to think I made a difference in that boy's life today.

Hopefully tomorrow, he'll be less retarded.


At 7:40 PM, Blogger Matt said...

1st hell yah keep it up GM Dave

At 7:41 PM, Blogger Nightwing said...

First post!
You most certainly showed him! And congrats on banning more Gil-sellers and MPKers. They deserve it, as did s/he.

At 7:41 PM, Blogger Nightwing said...

okay, maybe not first post >.>

At 8:19 PM, Blogger Avrial said...

Dude! What an idiot! NEVER, EVER, EVER!!!!!!! complain about authority being useless TO said authority! [GM]Dave is the LAW, man. The fuckin' LAW!!!!!!!

I still can't believe he walked right into that one. Thanks for the laugh, [GM]Dave.

At 9:58 PM, Blogger WanderingJ said...

Oh, geez... Maybe you should've taken him under your wing instead. From the sound of things, he could've very well made a good Dave Jr., unlike that stupid Fetus...

At 12:48 AM, Blogger Pyro3000 said...

That's awesome. I wish I could be as cold as you.

At 1:07 AM, Blogger Gryffon said...

I have to say, I love this **** man.
/em presents a bottle of jack to honor you.

I really only have one problem with it: i'm jealous... you have no idea how nice having a dragon would be for the customer service department of cingular... /sigh

At 2:02 AM, Blogger CaesarsGhost said...

Yeah... I could imagine that guy lasting for like an hour... hour and five minutes tops.

It's always easier to think somebody's job is easy when you don't have to stand in their shoes...
Good job showing him your shoes! Now you have to find his new account.

At 3:35 AM, Blogger The Acting Bastard said...

You know, there are some lines that one just should not cross. One of them being the line of stupidity that differentiates low-level primates from algae.

I think perhaps this particular gentleman, and I use the term by way of irony, would have liked to meet Jormy before dying. Huzzah [GM]Dave

At 4:58 AM, Blogger Chanell said...

Ever though of having this done as a comic strip kind-a thing?

wanted to see if I may add your stories in a comic strip way on my site.

Couldn't find an e-mail for you :(

At 5:19 AM, Blogger bigtrain. said...

Dave you're a tard

At 6:03 AM, Blogger Veinor Angiol said...

Hooray for self-inflicted bans! Not only did he give you a reason, he asked for it.

At 6:03 AM, Blogger Onionsoilder said...

Thats a really lovely comment. I can't think of a comment better then "Dave your a tard". Newsflash, 1) This blog is fake 2) [GM]Dave is fake 3) The people ha banned are fake... What does this all add up to? A humor blog. If you don't like it don't fucking read it.

At 6:34 AM, Blogger Tyrath said...

Wish real GMs would ban when I pointed out a gilseller <.>

At 7:05 AM, Blogger Thistle said...

Okay, we're going to do a little experiment. I want everyone to imagine it's your job to deal with complete idiots all day.

Wait, wait. That's not my job? Yay! Now I can stop dreading going to work every day! I love you, [GM]Dave!

At 7:42 AM, Blogger Yo Alejandro said...

Wow, way to go Mr. pinnacle of articulation:

"Dhuurrrrrr Dave you're a tard dhurrrrr my mother's my sister!"

Screw you if you don't like it,
either get with the program or go make a brother/son


At 8:28 AM, Blogger Ace said...

Rofl, Dave Hilarious, you made me want to change what I want to do with my life, become a GM and ban everyone that pisses me off.

At 9:07 AM, Blogger shelby said...

Dave, I've read your blogs for awhile and it never stops amazing me that you've not compleatly lost your mind yet. I really could not be a GM. You would think people would just stop making gm calls. they know you're going to ban them. Thanks dave.

At 10:02 AM, Blogger The Godfather said...

Stupid people make my head hurt. They usually just get fitted with a nice set of cermet shoes and thrown into the deepest lake I can find.

At 12:43 PM, Blogger Jormy's favorite food said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 12:45 PM, Blogger Jormy's favorite food said...

Telling someone who has the power to ban you that they're useless. Hmm, now im new to the game, but that sounds a bit retarded.

At 1:02 PM, Blogger Wolftin said...

WTH how did he not see that comeing. Someone needs to give him this site so he understands what goes on and maybe he would be a little bit smarter then that.

At 1:08 PM, Blogger Ridicule: Man of peaches! said...

Thats right! You should have threw a peach at him just for being stupid!

At 1:51 PM, Blogger BuzZ said...

"Class is in session, bitches"

always something new and funnier than the last :D

At 3:54 PM, Blogger Alerith said...

Hey dave, tell us about that Goblin Smithy guy you ran into.

At 6:38 PM, Blogger sanjula said...

What the fuck?? You didn't feed him yo jormy. Fail fail fail.

At 7:20 AM, Blogger Keilyn said...

I've never understood the level of retardedness behind trying to complain you don't like someone by telling that person. Like telling a policeman/woman I hate cops. It's stupid and gets you nowhere at all. Unfortunatly, I don't think it's cureable and he'll still be retarded every day just as much as the day before. If he bothered to read, he could see all the banned account numbers.

At 10:26 PM, Blogger jefeubond said...

in reference to the beginning of this blog, i DONT have to imagine working with morons all day long. I work for a MAJOR ISP ( Internet Service Provider ((for all you morons)) ) and trust me, you should feel lucky that you only have to deal with the GAMING portion of the morons on the interet, we get gamers, downloaders, hakorz, stock market junkies, 80 year olds that have 0 business looking at a computer let alone owning one, and that is just the TIP of the iceburg, so trust me i can relate. but dam it feels good deleating a customers account:)


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