Sunday, August 06, 2006

Surrealism

This morning, I was at work and I was bored.

Just.

Plain.

Bored.

I was banning cheaters and morons left, right, and center, but nothing was doing it for me.

Even feeding people to Jormy wasn't making me feel better.

This was serious.

It was time to try something new, something different.

Since my sniper rifle was on back order, I had to come up with another idea.

What would be the best way to combat the complete and other randomness I am forced to deal with every day?

Then it came to me, an idea so perfect that I'm surprised it hadn't come to me long ago.

Fight fire with fire.

Fight crazy with crazy.

But where could I find someone to would inspire such madness?

Gee... if only I had a line up of complete morons with nothing better to do than send me retarded messages.

GM Call Queue: You have 168 GM calls pending over 9 servers.

Perfect.

Let's say hello to our first contestant...

GM Call Description: No treasure coffer in Eldieme Necropolis. Glitch.

He enjoys long walks through dank dungeons and is apparently functionally retarded.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> The color of the day is cheese.
Player>> ... Uhh...
Player>> Hi?
[GM]Dave>> I ask you: what sound does tomorrow make?
[GM]Dave>> The otter wants to know.
Player>> The what?
Player>> What otter?
[GM]Dave>> That is a question.
[GM]Dave>> It bears the mark of the question.
[GM]Dave>> I fear it.
Player>> What's going on?
[GM]Dave>> Yes, Yes, YES.
[GM]Dave>> What is going on indeed?
[GM]Dave>> Only the otter can tell us.
Player>> WHAT OTTER?
[GM]Dave>> Quiet, you mad fool!
[GM]Dave>> They will hear you.
Player>> WHO?
[GM]Dave>> You have spoken with the owl?
[GM]Dave>> He is a delicious bird.
[GM]Dave>> Delicious in his madness.
Player>> I have no idea what the hell you're saying!
[GM]Dave>> What is knowing?
[GM]Dave>> The otter knows.
Player>> WHAT GODDAMNED OTTER?!
[GM]Dave>> He has heard you.
[GM]Dave>> The end times have begun.
[GM]Dave>> Tomorrow shall make no sound.
Player>> You're freaking crazy.
[GM]Dave>> Quickly! We must hide!
[GM]Dave>> I can feel his apathy.
Player>> What do you mean hide?

*warp*

Area: Mordion Gaol

Player>> Oh, Christ.
Player>> What the hell now?!
[GM]Dave>> WE ARE LOST!!!
[GM]Dave>> THE OTTER HAS FOUND US!!!
Player>> Where?
[GM]Dave>> There!
[GM]Dave>> He sits there bathing in our fear!
Player>> That?
Player>> That's what you're afraid of?!
Player>> IT'S A FREAKING RABBIT!
[GM]Dave>> That is only what it wants you to think.
[GM]Dave>> The truth lies underneath.
[GM]Dave>> Underneath lies madness.
Player>> OH SHUT UP!
Player>> I'll kill it.

The Wild Hare uses Acquiessense.
Player is defeated by the Otter.

[GM]Dave>> The otter...
[GM]Dave>> He cries.

It's funny. That guy still hasn't logged back in.

He must be taking either:

a) a day off to regain his senses

b) a power drill to his temple.

Either way, I'm not bored anymore.

36 Comments:

At 6:52 PM, Blogger Dantaro said...

wooo! Otter!

 
At 6:54 PM, Blogger Erufailon said...

Hilarity, my good sir! Pure hilarity!

 
At 7:09 PM, Blogger mountainmage said...

i don't know if you read webcomics dave, but that totally reminded me of twisp and catsby from penny arcade. as a fan of pa, i found it hillarious ^^

 
At 7:12 PM, Blogger zerombr said...

different, but not nearly as funny as some other posts, nonetheless, make mine GMDave!

 
At 8:04 PM, Blogger Noruta said...

That was so AWESOME! Honselty this has been my favorite entry so far. Crazyness with Crazyness has always been my own style, hard to go wrong with it because you can do so much with it.

Loved the Rabbit part.

 
At 8:08 PM, Blogger currentlypresent said...

I 100% agree with mountainmage.

The bacon was simply delicious, top hole.

 
At 8:12 PM, Blogger shelby said...

haha! the otter!

I love the posts that make people ask me why I am laughing so hard.
thanks gmdave!

 
At 8:21 PM, Blogger Pyro3000 said...

XD I love you man!

 
At 8:36 PM, Blogger Julia said...

The next time I take my kids to the zoo and see the otters, I'm going to laugh, and I'm going to have no logical way to explain it without sounding like a complete loon. Thanks, [GM]Dave. Thanks a lot.

Ah, hell, it was funny though.

 
At 9:02 PM, Blogger BenoSmash said...

I have to agree with your diversion to this entertainment.

 
At 9:12 PM, Blogger backlash said...

that was great, i have no idea how you cme up with this stuff, but that was pure brilliance.

 
At 9:22 PM, Blogger Gray Fox said...

Oh God, I hadn't laughed like that in a while. Pure madness FTW!

 
At 9:32 PM, Blogger Alex 'BeardedFerret' Morris said...

...What do you know of the otter? He told me to share his secret with nobody.

 
At 9:53 PM, Blogger azza said...

haha great post.

in game I love using crazed humor or paranoia on random people. makes me laugh at the replies and simple confusion I create.

Comming from a GM (person of authority) makes it so much better.

 
At 9:57 PM, Blogger azza said...

forgot to add Im also a member of our servers top guild so I often get peoples 1st impression of "elitest jerk" GTFO of your mums basement see the sunlight etc etc. Or I just get awe and respect and people thinking im some uber-serious player.

enough rampling GJ mate.

 
At 10:10 PM, Blogger Ayanna said...

Surrealism at it's finest. Awesome post, one of my favorites to date.

 
At 10:40 PM, Blogger okccameron said...

good job, it was a nice change. i like it better than most posts.

 
At 11:46 PM, Blogger Ninjasquirrel said...

Haha. Nice. The otter likes it too, I'm sure. >_>;

 
At 12:16 AM, Blogger Pyrobug said...

Wow, that reminded me so much of Address Unknown in the first Max Paye it's scary. Otters and pink flamingoes shall forever be synonamous in my mind.

 
At 1:24 AM, Blogger cheesesux said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 1:26 AM, Blogger cheesesux said...

this is what I need more of. I don't want logic to help these morons you collect grasp the majesty of a [GM]Dave encounter, hurrah for the rampant and inexplicable linguistic philanthropy!

it's true, I am stoned and this was one of my favourite posts.

 
At 5:16 AM, Blogger Dimensional said...

OMG! DAVE! I BEG OF YOU! COME ON SKYWALL AND MESS WITH ME SOMETIME AND SOME OF MY GUILD MEMBERS!!!

My main is Dimensional, 60 Undead rogue on Skywall! My guild is Snack Pack! Please, come and bring some hilarity to my guild and server!

We already know about "Dawarrior"!

 
At 7:09 AM, Blogger WanderingJ said...

Wow... This totally makes me think of what would happen if Chef Brian of Ctrl-Alt-Del were a GM... Absolute nonsense.

Well, at least you got over your boredom

 
At 8:02 AM, Blogger Raven said...

Did you do this to the other 167 calls in line? :D

 
At 8:05 AM, Blogger nano said...

That was like a cross between the Beatles movie and Monty Python.. eerily good.

 
At 12:51 PM, Blogger Lee said...

Hey 'Dave' I know your secret!

Don't worry I wont tell!

See ya where...

 
At 1:01 PM, Blogger dickkead said...

The thing that truly bothers me the most about this blog isn't the fact that it's fake. Hell, it's not even the fact that most of the crap you wright in it it outlandishly ridiculous...

The thing that bothers me the most is how many little kiss-ass retards leave comments everyday like: "Soooooo funny, OMG!!11"

Yeah, it's entertaining. A monkey with a hat on is entertaining too, but you won't find me trying to kiss it's ass so that we can somehow be somekind of internet friends.

Losers.

 
At 1:03 PM, Blogger dickkead said...

I meant "write", but I have a hangover.

So sue me.

 
At 3:12 PM, Blogger Zlo said...

Great entry and as un-related as it is...

Check smithy's blog...

Man dave you actually talked to a orcish grappler.

 
At 10:00 PM, Blogger Sage said...

Dave, nice job man. Just when I think Jormy is getting a bit meh, The Otter rears it's head. Seriously, we need shirts.....or wallpapers.

 
At 10:25 AM, Blogger Pellet said...

Why the hell does people ask [GM]Dave to show up at WoW servers?
Geez.

Anyway.. nice job.

 
At 1:12 AM, Blogger Carrin said...

When I first read this, the first thing to pop into my mind, was CAD and PA.

Awesome, and well done. ^_^

To: Dickhead

Your skin is too thin. It's called "Teh Internets" And I don't know where you've been, but it's populated by beings such as you describe for as long as I can remember.

Come to think of it, so is IRL...

Me and a guildy were on vent with other guildy's, and we ended up reciting this spontaneously while we were both reading it. My guildy as Dave, and me as the player.

They thought we were ad-libbing it. XD

And, also that we were crazy/high.

 
At 1:26 PM, Blogger Jacob said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 1:30 PM, Blogger Jacob said...

I myself work in tech support. And I read this blog while doing my tech support. Good idea? Maybe.

Anyway, I was talking to a complete moron (and repeat caller) today. I would tell him how to fix his problem, and he would tell me that he didn't want to do it that way, and that I should give him another method.

I came extremely close to telling him to ask the otter.

The next time I talk to him, I probably will.

Thanks Dave.

-[IT Analyst]Jacob

 
At 3:24 PM, Blogger Paramount said...

THERE IS NO GRASS IN THE SNAKE'S EYE!!!

 
At 10:42 AM, Blogger Wickerbasket said...

Amazing. I've just stolen this and used it to most of my friends on MSN. Lovely.

 

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