Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Virtual Reality TV

Yesterday, I spent the majority of my day on the edge of death. Literally, I spent several hours praying for it to just end.

Okay...

I had the flu.

Still, I just couldn't log in. Something about the camera motion was making me nauseous.

This, of course, sucked because I wasted a day off that could have gone into crafting. Damn these germs.

Anyway, since I could not log in, I actually started to miss the mindless, random nonsense I deal with on a daily basis.

Things were just way to normal. I was getting freaked out.

Where could I find a source of complete retardation?

Oh, yeah... when your PS2 isn't on, other stuff comes out of your TV.

So, I spent the day watching anything and everything that came across the screen.

Infomercials? Watched them.

Sitcoms? Watched them.

Reality TV? Sadly... watched them.

But it was through this act of mental masochism that I came up with yet another form of absolute cruelty to release upon the player populace.

I call it Survivor: Mordion Gaol.

This morning, when the curse had apparently been lifted, I headed into work and damn, I was ready to go.

Some bitches was gonna pay.

I logged into a random server and checked for known and suspected gilsellers.

Dammit! I only needed twelve people.

Fine. Whatever. I picked twelve at random.

I considered banning the rest, but then what would I do tomorrow?

I warped the twelve "lucky" contestants to Mordion Gaol.

LET THE GAMES BEGIN!

[GM]Dave>> Welcome, Cheaters.
[GM]Dave>> I mean Adventurers.
[GM]Dave>> No, I meant Cheaters.
Player1>> Why are we here?
[GM]Dave>> You're here to take part in an exciting new event.
[GM]Dave>> It's called "Survivor: Mordion Gaol".
Player2>> Can you do this?
[GM]Dave>> Well, it does raise some serious questions of morality.
[GM]Dave>> Luckily, I have no morals.
[GM]Dave>> Isn't it great the way that works out?
Player1>> You can't just do this to us.
Player3>> Yeah. We're paying customers.
[GM]Dave>> You're looking at this the wrong way.
[GM]Dave>> This is a good thing?
Player2>> Really?
Player2>> It's good?
[GM]Dave>> It's very good.
[GM]Dave>> Well... sort of good.
[GM]Dave>> Okay, it's actually really terrible.
[GM]Dave>> I'd probably start crying, if I were you.
Player4>> Can we do anything to get out of here?
[GM]Dave>> There will be several competitions.
Player4>> Like what?
[GM]Dave>> Well... do you like food competitions?
Player4>> Sure.

Jormungand hits Player4 for 14,033 points of damage.
Player4 was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> And we're down to eleven.
Player3>> This is insane.
[GM]Dave>> How about a physical competition next?

Jormungand hits Player3 for 12,791 points of damage.
Player3 was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> Ten.
Player5>> That was the same as the food competition.

Jormungand hits Player5 for 15,343 points of damage.
Player5 was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> Nine.
[GM]Dave>> Are we done with the questions?
[GM]Dave>> Good.
[GM]Dave>> Now, on to the next competition.
[GM]Dave>> Somewhere in this room is a special ??? point.
[GM]Dave>> It is only targetable at very close range.
[GM]Dave>> The last person to find it will be banned.
[GM]Dave>> GO!

You know, it's been about sixteen hours. I really should check in on them soon.

Or next week.

Whatever.

I wonder how long it'll take them to figure out there's no ??? point.

Eh... I'll wait a week and see if any of them are still there.

And then I'll ban them.

Outwit.

Outplay.

Out of my Goddamned game, you retards.

22 Comments:

At 6:16 PM, Blogger Sam said...

1st

 
At 6:20 PM, Blogger Ace said...

Your stuff is hilarious [GM]Dave, and it just keeps getting better and better. sorry bout you getting the flu and not being able to get on FFXI :S I feel for you.

 
At 6:26 PM, Blogger Ridicule: Man of peaches! said...

Dave....FEED JORMY SOME PEACHES!!

 
At 7:19 PM, Blogger mountainmage said...

god damn it stop with the "first" posts! Jeez, does it make you feel big that you were the first person to type in a person you don't even know's blog? If so, please think your life over, and then end it.

 
At 7:21 PM, Blogger Renarudo said...

Mountainmage is mad that they didn't get in first. *snicker*

FFXI + Survivor. Sounds hilarious!

 
At 7:58 PM, Blogger WanderingJ said...

Heh... I hate Survivor and all reality TV just as much as the normal sane person, but I have to admit this sounds intriguing...

You should send a pilot out. :P

 
At 8:16 PM, Blogger Veinor Angiol said...

They thought they could take care of him with the flu. But they were wrong. DEAD wrong.

12 Gilsellers... 1 pissed-off GM...

***Survivor: Mordion Gaol***

Coming to a FFXI serv near you! (Except for Lakshmi, nobody's touching that shit.)

 
At 8:37 PM, Blogger Vatar said...

Great stuff Dave! I'm enjoying my Davism more and more with every post!

 
At 11:10 PM, Blogger Dantaro said...

Its like the summer festival, only awesome!

 
At 5:13 AM, Blogger zerombr said...

hmmm, Jorgy killing them just usually delevs, right? The ban itself isn't attached to his attack, is it? If so, that would be a bit more efficient. My main question is that do most of these people who may/may not deserve getting banned, do most of them get the 72 hour ban?

 
At 8:02 AM, Blogger CaesarsGhost said...

I had my fingers crossed for Judge Judy or Cops... Survivor kinda sucks ass.

Or PrisonBreak. That would've worked in Mordain Goal!

 
At 8:32 AM, Blogger Greville said...

ahh gilsellers hahaha dont gotta worry about them with my LS and its economy. gilsellers can no longer influence us. so go ahead and keep killin em off. while me and my boys mpk them and steal thier mobs. cant sell gil to people who dont need it. and not even our noobs need it

 
At 8:49 AM, Blogger ColdhartedRagnarok said...

i really wish you wouldnt say "retard" in your blog dave. It seriously offends some people including myself who have challenged family members.

 
At 9:24 AM, Blogger Ace said...

Dude dont take it so seriously, hes not talkiung to you personally saying your brother/mother/father/sister/uncle/aunt/cousin is retarded. I myself have a handicapped little brother, im not being a pansy telling Dave to stfu about saying retarded.

 
At 9:42 AM, Blogger Akana-san said...

Besides where is the fun in saying "mentally challenged" everytime?

 
At 9:43 AM, Blogger Ninjasquirrel said...

Haha that's awesome, TV doesn't have anything orignal on much anymore, you should send that in and we can all watch :O! /cheer

 
At 9:47 AM, Blogger Jusabaut said...

Ok, this is just wrong, I snarfed out loud at work as I read this lovely piece of wit. We [Heart] you [GM]Dave. You go boy!

 
At 10:40 AM, Blogger Mahlie said...

Hah, as witty and amusing as usual Mister Dave. My commendations on keeping my lack of faith in humanity alive (not with this entry, but with the majority of the entires involving Final Fantasy and people in general).

I have a small question for you; if someone were to place a GM Call asking for you by name ... would you answer? Just, um, curious. I'd never actually get someone to try it. Yeah, that's it.

Anyways, keep up the hilarity. I look forward to your blog as it seems to be one of the few things keeping me sane lately.

 
At 3:16 PM, Blogger [GM]Dave said...

Coldheartedragnarok,

Maybe you should look up the literal definition of retard. The actual meaning of the word is to be slow or delayed.

Having a mental disability does not make you a retard. Being a retard makes you a retard.

It's like the difference between newb and n00b. It's all in the actual meaning of the word.

I've got no problems with people who have honest conditions that affect their abilities. I mean, that shit happens.

I just hate stupid people.

 
At 4:08 PM, Blogger Kirdei said...

The only reality show that I would never miss and would tape. Way to go [GM]Dave!

 
At 4:41 PM, Blogger shelby said...

this is great. one of my favorite posts dave.

 
At 7:20 PM, Blogger Veinor Angiol said...

Hell, it's technically correct to use the phrase 'retarded light', and the word 'late' as in 'not on time' translates into French as 'en retard'. So "retarded" isn't really that offensive, now, is it?

 

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