Thursday, July 06, 2006

Lag Happens

Do me a favor, okay?

I want you to go out and buy 32 top of the line servers.

Well... 31 top of the line servers. Find an old Pentium 166 and write Lakhshmi on it in magic marker.

Then I want you to design, program, and install an incredibly complex multiplayer game onto those servers.

Then I want you to put those servers in Japan.

THEN I want you to distribute that game to millions of people all over the globe.

Done yet?

Okay, now I want you to do it all with absolutely no lag between the servers and those millions of people.

Did I mention the whole thing had to be compatible with a 56k modem?

I'll give you a minute to finish up.


You can't do that? Why not?

Oh... That's right...


Listen very, very carefully.

Japan is very far away.

It's about... oh, I don't know...

Over 5000 miles away.

So, believe it or not, there will be a little bit of lag.

We're oh so sorry.


I can't go a single damned day without some idiot sending a dozen GM calls about how their system is "all slow and shit".

Why do people insist on making idiotic calls like this?

If you don't like lag, there are a few simple ways to resolve this problem:

a) move to Japan

b) change the laws of physics

c) throw your computer into a woodchipper.

Seriously, people. The game has been going for over 3 years.

I think it's time to let it go.

I was on the late shift last night. As usual, I was working very hard on a stack of paperwork (read: bottle of Jack Daniels) and the night was actually going well.

This of course meant something bad had to happen.


Yay. A GM call.

How's that for timing, huh?

GM Call Description: Lag During Besieged. Fix.

Oh, there's an idea. Fix it.

Why didn't we think of that?

Perhaps I will take some time to educate this player on the technological limitations of a global data transfer system.

Or feed him to a dragon.

Whatever's faster.

[GM]Dave>> Hello, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you're experiencing some lag.
Player>> Yeah.
Player>> I'm lagging out during Besieged.
[GM]Dave>> Really? That's strange.
[GM]Dave>> I don't think anyone else has ever lagged before.
Player>> Everybody lags.
[GM]Dave>> Hey!
[GM]Dave>> You're not completely retarded!
[GM]Dave>> Will wonders never cease?
Player>> Why would you say that?
[GM]Dave>> Well... you apparently realize that everyone lags.
[GM]Dave>> And yet, you made a GM call about it.
Player>> Yes, I did.
Player>> You guys should fix it.
[GM]Dave>> Wow! That's a great idea!
[GM]Dave>> Would you like a job?
[GM]Dave>> We need creative thinkers like you.
Player>> Really?
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Maybe I was a little fast with the not completely.
Player>> Just fix the damn lag.
Player>> It's not fair.
[GM]Dave>> Hold on a second...
[GM]Dave>> How is it not fair?
Player>> Players in Japan are closer to the servers.
Player>> They get less lag.
[GM]Dave>> We had to put them somewhere.
Player>> They should be in the US.
[GM]Dave>> You're in the US, aren't you?
Player>> ... Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> I'm shocked.
[GM]Dave>> Listen, Moron... Do you mind if I call you Moron?
Player>> HEY!
[GM]Dave>> You see, Moron, it's not actually possible to "fix" lag.
[GM]Dave>> Lag occurs for a very good reason.
Player>> And why is that?
[GM]Dave>> Because we hate you.
Player>> WHAT?!
[GM]Dave>> It's simple really.
[GM]Dave>> You lag because you're retarded.
Player>> That makes no sense!
[GM]Dave>> Sure it does.
[GM]Dave>> Everytime you act stupid, you're going to lag.
Player>> You can't do that.
[GM]Dave>> Uh oh... You're retardation level just increased.
[GM]Dave>> The lag is going to get worse.
Player>> What do you mean?
[GM]Dave>> Well
[GM]Dave>> The
[GM]Dave>> Game
[GM]Dave>> Is
[GM]Dave>> Going
[GM]Dave>> To
[GM]Dave>> Slow
[GM]Dave>> Down.
Player>> Stop that.
[GM]Dave>> What
[GM]Dave>> Do
[GM]Dave>> You
[GM]Dave>> Mean?
Player>> Knock that off!
Player>> You can't treat me like that!
[GM]Dave>> Uh
[GM]Dave>> Oh.
[GM]Dave>> You
[GM]Dave>> Just
[GM]Dave>> Got
[GM]Dave>> Dumber.
[GM]Dave>> I
[GM]Dave>> Hope
[GM]Dave>> You
[GM]Dave>> Have
[GM]Dave>> A
[GM]Dave>> Lot
[GM]Dave>> Of
[GM]Dave>> Spare
[GM]Dave>> Time.
Player>> Oh Christ.
Player>> Could this get any worse.


Area: Mordion Gaol

Player>> DAMMIT!
[GM]Dave>> You
[GM]Dave>> Asked.
Player>> Can't you just let me go.
[GM]Dave>> Right
[GM]Dave>> Away.
Player>> Oh... Good.
[GM]Dave>> Right
[GM]Dave>> After
[GM]Dave>> We
[GM]Dave>> Review
[GM]Dave>> The
[GM]Dave>> ToS.
Player>> oh god
[GM]Dave>> Paragraph
[GM]Dave>> One...

He started to cry after the first half an hour.

Then he logged out.

So, I wrote a nice little script that will pick up reading as soon as he logs back in.

And will run until he reads every word of the ToS.

He should be done by 2010.

Luckily for him, there is surprising little lag in Mordion Gaol.


At 7:12 PM, Blogger creature124 said...

sorry..gotta say it...first

nice...lag does happen, but NORMAL people get used to it...

At 7:24 PM, Blogger Galkizzle said...

Heh heh heh. I may be quiting FFXI, but I will continue reading your blog.

At 7:25 PM, Blogger Cruven said...

yesh i love the way you get people to hate you then you shrug it off. Just as long as you have a nice "report" to write aftwards ^_^

At 7:26 PM, Blogger Ninboy said...

im glad we got a normal GM dave story. its a nice change from the past few weeks. keep it up, this one was good.

At 7:26 PM, Blogger Galkizzle said...

Oh, and by the way, I emailed those pictures to you.

At 7:37 PM, Blogger Myloko said...

Will Jormy eat that idiot in MG? :o

At 8:46 PM, Blogger Razmo said...

Again with the Lakshmi bash...subtle...but there it was...i mean with a server like that no wonder i lag in Blood Gultch....


At 9:29 PM, Blogger Vico Surge said...

Damn if I could count the times Morons have called at work complaining that they get kicked out of a server I would be so fucking rich I would burn down every god damn ISP in the US.

The Theory of the Internet is pretty much interesting but try explaining that to someone who types y r u t3h suK and seems to have diahrrea on his fucking mouth.

At 10:11 PM, Blogger sngirl said...

Luckily for him, there is surprising little lag in Mordion Gaol.

Lol! That was great.

At 10:47 PM, Blogger DeaconBlue said...

[GM]Dave>> Lag occurs for a very good reason.
Player>> And why is that?
[GM]Dave>> Because we hate you.


At 11:31 PM, Blogger Dantaro said...

Hehe, loved it. the last line really did it in for me.

"Luckily for him, there is surprising little lag in Mordion Gaol."

Hehehe, good stuff

At 12:14 AM, Blogger Julia said...

Ahh, I love it, absolute cruelty. You're so damn good at it ... beautiful. I bet he cries upon logging back in. :)

At 12:27 AM, Blogger Feba said...

There's not even that much of a difference between a JP connection and an NA connection because of the way the server handles mob spawns. If it were an FPS we'd be screwed, but as is, it's mostly just an excuse for stupid NA who can't claim.

At 1:37 AM, Blogger Petrograd said...

Bwahahahaha... using the ToS as punishment. Pure evil >:D

At 1:38 AM, Blogger Aeriel said...

Nice job Dave as usual :)
personally i would have scripted that he ge given a piece of furniture! no don't get it! let me enlighten! Its a special trophy that hangs ont he wall like an adventurer certificate, and once there it can't removed! Its the GM award for retarded asshats! Element Light(since all GM's are god :) And no storage extras... Main point it overrides all other furniture to give the moghancement: pimp'my'lag!
Effect: server response time -2 secs :)

Feba there is still an additional latency in the connections, thus if both a JP computer and an NA computer were both to claim when at the same time using the same ability the JP computer would get the claim due to the lower latency. But this is moot point as there is fuck all we can do about that except bury the servers in the very centre of the earth so they are approximately the same distance and number of hops from all people! :)

At 3:23 AM, Blogger Lucifer said...

lol, you're so funny. Nice to see some of the old style back.

Here is a link to Dane Cook. His humor reminds me of [GM]Dave. You should all have a look ^_^

At 4:22 AM, Blogger Citizen Bleys said...

pol.exe performs illegal operations and needs to close during Besieged even for the Japanese. Especially if said JP player is the last one healing General Mihli during a Level 5 Undead Swarm.

Who says S-E doesn't have a sense of humour?

At 6:13 AM, Blogger Texgnome1 said...

Nice Dave. So good to see the torment of the e-tarded recommence. Sending a GM call about lag... sigh, will they never learn?

At 6:39 AM, Blogger Yensil's back! This time it's personal. said...

...You made him read the ToS

Damn that's harsh.

But still...I play Maple Story, which is free, which means I'm not paying them money to buy lots of servers with, and my computer is slow already.
And I never complain about the lag.
Bitch had it coming.

At 6:46 AM, Blogger Thistle said...

I don't usually comment here, but I have to say that making someone read the whole ToS is the best punishment ever!

At 8:22 AM, Blogger Havok said...

haha so awsome i swear i always thought lakshmi was retarded but that takes the cake. yet again [GM]Dave hands down so kick ass justice

[GM]Dave curbing retardation one jackass at a time.

At 9:38 PM, Blogger Bitneko said...

If besiged had lag, then it would be less challenging. Meaning that poor warp taru wouldn't get as many breaks from his 24/7 Teleport- Jeuno service.

Think of the Tarus.^^

At 2:10 AM, Blogger Squirt said...

Reeree says people who refer to comedy as gold are retarded because gold is not in hair auntly funny like ninjas, monkeys, and fee... you know, um, poop. I think she said it was oxymoronic but I didn't see what it had to do with oxen at all so she spit at me.

If you think it is funny, you should say "comedy ninja monkey poopies", which is way funnier than gold anyday.

Except Firesday.

Gold is really funny on Firesday because that's when it dresses up in a pink unitard and does the electric slide.

I love the electric slide!

Okay bye.

At 2:15 AM, Blogger notkesirahonest said...

weeeel technically speaking, to say you can't fix the lag is utter bullcrap and if that's the 'official' take on it then maybe you need to sack a few people and get some techies in that know what they are doing...

Poor programing and inadequate hardware are what causes the besieged lags. First rule of programming. Don't release until it works. Yes, in this circumstance I fully believe there were not enough playtesters to test it correctly, but ffs withdraw it when you see such a huge flaw, which is at your end

At 8:05 PM, Blogger Veinor Angiol said...

b) change the laws of physics

c) throw your computer into a woodchipper.


At 5:28 AM, Blogger Ctt Walla said...

hey its 2010 now, wonder if that poor bastard is done hearing the tos yet...


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