Saturday, June 10, 2006

It's Good to be King

Alternate Title: "Dave-ine Intervention"

I have started to get the feeling that some people are starting to have a bad view of me.

I'm not a bad guy.

Yes, I do ban people who break the rules. Or bend the rules.

Or just piss me off.

But that doesn't make me bad.

I just have a very low tolerance for stupidity. That doesn't mean I hate everybody.

It means I hate everybody thats retarded.

Now, chances are this does not mean you.

Seriously. There's no way the majority of society can be that idiotic. Probability alone suggests that those of you reading this are probably not retarded.

This blog is written as education for the retarded and as entertainment for the non-retarded.

It's a public service, is what it is.

Unfortunately, some of you feel I have it out for all players. That couldn't be further from the truth.

As long as you're not mega-gundam-retarded, we're cool.

But to foster a stronger bond between myself and the community, today I decided to try and help out some players.

The fact that several RMT were killed in the process was merely coincidence.

I did a quick check of a random server (the wheel of torment helpfulness landed on CaitSith) and I found a group of reported gil sellers camping in Jugner Forest and waiting for King Arthro.

And right next to them, your average linkshell group.

Tsk, tsk, tsk. This just won't do.

Why should a good, normal group have to compete with people too damned stupid to get a real job?

I decided, in my Davely goodness, to intervene.

King Arthro's was going to spawn soon, so I had to be quick. A few button presses later and the trap was set.

When King Arthro popped, the RMT group descended on him like a pack of wolves.

It was both terrible and beautiful, the way they all swarmed around me.


Did I say me?

Oh, that's right.

I was controlling King Arthro.

Isn't that the darnedest thing?

RMT1>> (( Provoke )) target King Arthro! HP: 100%
KingArthro>> OH DAMN!
KingArthro>> AGGRO!
RMT2>> WTF?!
RMT1>> What's it doing?
KingArthro>> LINK! LINK!
KingArthro>> ZONE!

And I zoomed off into the distance.

You haven't seen funny until you've seen a group of gil sellers trying to chase down a crab with Flee.

Gotta love the Speed Belt.

If they want to fight me, those bastards have to catch me first.

RMT2>> What's going on?!
RMT3>> It's gone crazy!
KingArthro>> I resent that.
KingArthro>> It's bad enough you're trying to hurt me.
KingArthro>> Do you have to hurt my self-esteem as well?
RMT1>> Something's wrong here.
KingArthro>> That hurts on the inside.
KingArthro>> Where the bruises don't heal.
RMT4>> Sleep it. Sleep it.
KingArthro>> Perhaps, we can settle this another way...
KingArthro>> Rock-Paper-Scissors?
RMT3>> Would one of you tards Provoke already?
RMT1>> It's not working.
KingArthro>> I beg to differ.
KingArthro>> I'm starting to have mixed feelings toward you.
(( Provoke )) target King Arthro! HP: 87%
KingArthro>> That one worked... I think.
KingArthro>> It's supposed to tingle, right?
KingArthro>> Name calling? Really?
KingArthro>> I thought we were above that.

I'll give these guys credit. They must have chased me halfway across Jugner.

If they weren't RMT, I might even have pitied them.

KingArthro>> OH SHIT!
KingArthro>> RUN, PERCIVAL!
RMT4>> We've almost got him.
RMT2>> Keep going.
KingArthro>> TRAIN TO ZONE!

I zoned through into Batallia Downs and was quickly followed by the gil sellers.

Unfortunately for them, there's an unpleasant surprise waiting on the other side of that loading screen.

Downloading Data...

Downloading Data...

Area: Mordion Gaol

RMT1>> OH Damn!
RMT3>> We didn't do anything.
KingArthro>> This is my town now, bitches.
RMT3>> We can take him, guys.
RMT2>> Stay on him.
KingArthro>> Go ahead.
KingArthro>> But since this was an unfair fight...
KingArthro>> I brought some friends.

Now, a clipper isn't that scary.

Or a snipper.

But 800 of them?

That shit is terrifying.

Their useless, brainless bodies were caught up in the flood of crabs that appeared around them. Each muffled scream was met with dozens upon dozens of strikes.

KingArthro>> You know, they make shampoo for that.

Their members quickly fell until the last was finally struck down. His name went gray and his body, limp.

KingArthro>> And what have we learned today?
KingArthro>> That's right, Billy.
KingArthro>> R-M-T is R-E-Tarded.
KingArthro>> Good job, Billy.

I ended up banning the lot of them with a side order of Deluxe Package. Hopefully, this will be a learning experience.

Or hopefully, a few of those guys will die.

You know, whatever.

And to show that I am indeed a humanitarian, I repopped King Arthro so the other group could take their shot.

I probably should have let it drop a Speed Belt.

Oh come on. I'm going for nice guy, not sainthood.


At 9:05 PM, Blogger Katarinae said...

God, that's great. I just wish I could have been there to watch the entertainment.

At 9:22 PM, Blogger Nu-Hir said...

KingArthro>> OH SHIT!
KingArthro>> RUN, PERCIVAL!

Comedy Gold.

At 10:51 PM, Blogger Galkizzle said...

But.. but.. Jormy's gunna' kick your ass when he finds out you're cheating on him.

At 11:13 PM, Blogger Hawklord2112 said...

"Nice Guy, not Sainthood"...


and galkizzle, didnt you know that Dave and Jormy have an "open" relationship?
Jormy "opens" his mouth. Dave drops in the tards.

At 11:17 PM, Blogger Evin said...


At 11:37 PM, Blogger Keilyn said...

Am I the only one thinking.... Crab battle? *if you don't get it and care to go find the flash animation*

At 11:46 PM, Blogger BenoSmash said...

The best laugh I've had from this blog in a while.

I hope to see more like it...

Thanks! :D

At 12:22 AM, Blogger Dylan said...

I was there today on Caitsith when King Arthro popped and didnt see any of this ; ;

At 12:57 AM, Blogger Slaneyder said...

KingArthro>> OH SHIT!
KingArthro>> RUN, PERCIVAL!

My sides! The pain!

At 1:14 AM, Blogger WindexHamster said...

KingArthro>> You know, they make shampoo for that.

Terrible. ><

I love it.

At 1:18 AM, Blogger BenoSmash said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 1:18 AM, Blogger BenoSmash said...

I forget (didn't know from the beginning... What a n00b I am). What does RMT mean, besides what [GM]Dave said?

At 2:28 AM, Blogger Stocky said...

They got crabs.

At 2:39 AM, Blogger nano said...

"I probably should have let it drop a Speed Belt."

So that's how the drops are decided! you fiends!

On a side note, sorry for the scripted response in the other post, I fessed up ^^ though I thought it was sardonically appropriate.

At 7:06 AM, Blogger Alerith said...

Thats not the dave I know /cry

On a side note:

Another amazingly hilarious blog. /clap

At 7:11 AM, Blogger Rhamza said...

RMT = Real Money Trade, iirc. It means people who sell game money for real money.

Thanks again for another entertaining post Dave.

At 11:35 AM, Blogger Myloko said...

You'd think the RMts would notice that something's wrong when a crab starts talking XD

At 12:24 PM, Blogger Natch said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 12:24 PM, Blogger Natch said...


I was half-expecting you to say "I pinch", "MASSIVE DAMAGE!", or "RIIIIIDGE RAAAAACEEER!"

Still funny as hell though.

At 12:27 PM, Blogger Nytorio said...


At 9:15 PM, Blogger Poptart said...

hmm... maybe no one saw this and got screenshots because... /shocked!!! GM Dave is a phony! :O imagine that?!

At 10:02 PM, Blogger Artos said...

Loved this post.

RMT1>> But he could rip our tank apart with those massive claws!

At 11:46 PM, Blogger Ryuusuke said...

wow funniest thing ive heard in a while would love to se something like that happen on ragnarok (just not to me)

At 3:57 AM, Blogger Nu-Hir said...

Wow, Poptart. Imagine that. Satire on the internet. Next thing you know, you're gonna tell me that The Onion isn't a real news publication.

At 6:02 AM, Blogger Arieth said...

Hehe, those RMT'rs got what they deserve... well actually they deserve far worse, but this will do for now.

Love the Blog, cracks me up everytime I read it. Seeing idiots go down for the stupid stuff they do always turns a bad day into a good day.

At 6:18 AM, Blogger faker said...

Downloading Date...

Nice job, fool.

At 6:54 AM, Blogger Thistle said...

Oh wow. I love the little icon thingie (tiny picture) up there on the URL bar on the main blog page. Great idea!

At 8:24 AM, Blogger notkesirahonest said...

lol nice one Dave...

brings back so many happy memories :)

I once coded a Bison that would drop out of the air and squash players, then happily bounce away back to me... Ah I miss that fluffy cuddly beast. They can jump over 6ft, did you know that? Is that cool or what?

At 9:39 AM, Blogger Fircefairy said...

OMFG!! I wish I could have seen that! I was just dying laughing!
*Claps* Bravo!

At 10:08 PM, Blogger Cowardly said...

Is GM Dave a REAL GM or does he make up all these stories for entertainment.

At 10:09 PM, Blogger Cowardly said...

Is GM Dave a REAL GM in FFXI or does he make up stories just for entertainment? Either way I enjoy his board very much. ^^

At 1:25 AM, Blogger Lishje said...

Zooone. oh noes! Aggro

At 12:14 PM, Blogger Winter said...

This blog is written as education for the retarded and as entertainment for the non-retarded.

I just wanted to take a moment to say that this is hilarious. I love reading your posts, and I've sent several of my LS friends over to share in the joy that is hearing about killing RMTs. ^_^ Keep up the good work.


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