Thursday, May 11, 2006

A Matter of Perspective

Alternate Title: "HNMLSes Revisited"

You have to understand something: yours is not the only story.

You have to understand that because if you don't, then pretty soon I'm going to snap and start shooting people.

Imagine Vana'diel as a high school. You've got your cliques, you've got your clubs.

You've got your people who struggle to communicate properly.

Unfortunately, you also have your conflicts.

Do you remember how conflicts went in high school? You got called to the office, both people tell their sides of the story, and then punishments are handed out.

Are you imagining? Do you have that picture in your head?


Cause I'm the freakin' Principal.

I'm sure you think that your side is right. But I know that there are two sides (at least) to every story.

You can go on and on.

And on.

And on.

That still doesn't mean you're right. It doesn't even mean that I'm going to listen to you.

I probably won't.

So, imagine my frustration (read: blinding rage) when I get half a dozen GM calls from either side of an argument.

Here's a news flash. You may want to sit down.


Also in the news, water is wet.

I mean, you're two organizations created with the specific purpose of being the best. As I understand it, you cannot have two "bests".

That would kind of defeat the purpose.

This means that both organizations are going to be in direct competition.

This, in turn, means that heated discussions (read: bitchy whining and MPK attempts) are inevitable.

This morning (just like every morning), a group of HNMLSes were having a discussion (see above) and started sending GM calls.

Lots of GM calls.

Accusing each other.


The first group's GM calls went like this

GM Call Description: MPK attempt and botting at King Behemoth.

The second group's GM calls went like this

GM Call Description: Botting and MPK attempt at King Behemoth.

Why do people make me hurt them?

Luckily (read: unluckily) for them, I was the one the calls got referred to this morning.

As I enjoy being an agent of natural selection, I set aside my paperwork (and bottle) and logged in to facilitate a peaceful resolution.

If some people get fed to a dragon, that's not my problem.

Rather than taking the time to extensively review the logs, I decided to be more proactive and efficient.

I decided to just warp both HNMLSes directly to Mordion Gaol for their sentencing.

... I mean their trial.

No, I really mean sentencing.


[GM]Dave>> Hello, Adventurers.
[GM]Dave>> Can you hear me all the way in the back?
Player24>> Why are we here?
[GM]Dave>> Well, existential philosophy offers a number of...
Player24>> I mean why are we in jail?
[GM]Dave>> Oh.
[GM]Dave>> I warped you here.
Player24>> But why?
[GM]Dave>> It was easier than having you walk.
Player24>> But why are we in jail?
[GM]Dave>> I warped you here.
[GM]Dave>> Do you have trouble reading?
Player24>> Listen, you bastard...

Jormungand hits Player24 for 9,649 points of damage.
Player24 was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> Any other existentialists in the room?
[GM]Dave>> Nothing puts life into perspective like a dragon.


[GM]Dave>> Nobody?
[GM]Dave>> Good.
[GM]Dave>> I need each group to choose a respresentative.

There was some general chatter and a flurry of tells, and then three players stepped forward.

I considered just letting Jormy eat them as a lesson for the others, but decided to actually hear them out.

You see, there are two universal truths to situations like this:

1) given enough time, someone will always do something to make their situation worse and their punishment funnier

2) dragons will still be there in five minutes

So, I sat back and let them explain their stories.

[GM]Dave>> Okay, I'll let you start.
Leader1>> Well, we were fighting KB and doing okay.
Leader1>> Then their group tried to MPK us and steal it.
Leader2>> That's a LIE!
[GM]Dave>> You'll get your turn to speak.
[GM]Dave>> And your turn with a dragon if you don't shut up.
Leader2>> Sorry.
[GM]Dave>> Didn't I say shut up?
[GM]Dave>> I thought I said shut up.
Leader1>> Anyway, they started pulling elementals.
[GM]Dave>> And how did you respond?
Leader1>> We moved KB so his next meteor would hit them.
Leader1>> Wiped half their party.
[GM]Dave>> So your side of the story is they MPKed you.
Leader1>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> And then you went retarded.
Leader1>> That's not what I said.
[GM]Dave>> I'm paraphrasing.
Leader1>> They MPKed us!
[GM]Dave>> Do you enjoy irony?
Leader1>> I don't see what that has to do...

Jormungand hits Leader1 for 8,903 points of damage.
Leader1 was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> Leader2, you're up.
Leader2>> Well, we were waiting for a shot at KB.
[GM]Dave>> Okay.
Leader2>> And we were farming elementals while we waited.
Leader2>> A couple were too tough so we warped out.
[GM]Dave>> The elementals were too tough.
Leader2>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> For your alliance.
Leader2>> Uhh... yeah.
[GM]Dave>> And you just happened to fight these elementals
[GM]Dave>> On top of their mages.
Leader2>> I know what you're thinking.
[GM]Dave>> You think you're retarded, too?
[GM]Dave>> That's good.
[GM]Dave>> I thought this was going to be difficult.
Leader2>> I'm not retarded.
[GM]Dave>> Spoke too soon.
[GM]Dave>> You tards never make it easy.
Leader2>> You can't prove we MPKed them.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Did you actually just say that?
Leader2>> You've got nothing.
[GM]Dave>> I've got something.
Leader2>> What? Witnesses?
Leader2>> Logs?
[GM]Dave>> No.

Jormungand hits Leader2 for 9,560 points of damage.
Leader2 was defeated by Jormungand.
Leader2 falls to level 74.

[GM]Dave>> I have a dragon.
[GM]Dave>> Your turn.
Leader3>> Me?
[GM]Dave>> No, the guy behind you.
[GM]Dave>> Yes, you.
Leader3>> Well...
[GM]Dave>> Could we hurry this up?
[GM]Dave>> I have drinking to do.
Leader3>> I was just there to get a time of death on KB.
Leader3>> I was crafting.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Oh.
[GM]Dave>> So you weren't with these guys?
Leader3>> No.
[GM]Dave>> Can I help you with anything else today?

I sent Leader3 home with a few stacks of free crystals for his troubles. Seemed like a nice guy.

Then I spawned an IT elemental for every other player in Mordion Gaol.

Let them sort things out.

In future, before you start making GM calls, you should ask yourself one important question:

"Am I retarded?"

If the answer is yes, you're retarded. Do not place the GM call.

If the answer is no, you're retarded and delusional. Do not place the GM call.

Remember: there are two sides two every story and it's possible you're both retarded.


At 8:47 PM, Blogger Shuy said...

how... could u MPK anyone with those elementals in Behemoth's Domain?(sp) they cant posibly be strong enuf to aggro anyone who camps KB. unless i missed somting since my 2 week break from FFXI.

At 8:50 PM, Blogger Rogue said...

Man i feel so bad for you, I need to buy you a beer. Maybe a Xanax also. . . bwahahaha Keep it real man.

At 8:53 PM, Blogger Trigger said...

Your the principal? Dang, sounds like fun.

At 9:38 PM, Blogger joyc said...

hmm... so Jormy's the discipline master? =D

At 9:41 PM, Blogger Hutea said...

[GM]Dave>> And how did you respond?
Leader1>> We moved KB so his next meteor would hit them.
Leader1>> Wiped half their party.

Yeap, they do like to dig themselves deeper, don't they?


At 9:44 PM, Blogger Siegtaru said...

Oooh Principal!?

Gogo The School of Dave!

At 10:53 PM, Blogger leonoxx said...

<.< >.>
did you just say what I thought you said!?
Somebody escaped mordion gaol AND Jormy's wrath UNSCATHED!?

I guess retarded people really do get to you seeing as how you let this guy off with little more than some dragon entertainment ^_^

Altho, that would be fun to stand witness to such atrocities against human kind laid waste to natural selection ^_^

At 12:18 AM, Blogger Reeree said...

If you have to ask yourself if you're retarded, the answer is YES.

If it never would have occured to you to ask yourself if you're retarded, that's because retarded people have very low IQs, and no one really expects you to think of these things.

If you're absolutely certain that you are not retarded, but actually the living embodiment of the opposite of retardation, then please take your damned mentor flag off you curve-breaking, bottom-dwelling, "Don't eat that! Those aren't brownie bites!" retard.

At 1:27 AM, Blogger Espii said...

Lmao... I've never played FFXI, but God, if my computer and internet connection could handle it, I'd play just to be fed to Jormy. 'GM Call Desciption: Refer me to gilsellers plz.'

At 5:09 AM, Blogger Dantaro said...

Bwahaha! Today's and yesterday's entries were top notch. Keep it up, all the fools must be punished for their stupidity!

At 5:13 AM, Blogger Pez said...

[GM]Dave this blog is one of the funniest I've ever read in my life!

Published on our forums! Keep it up mate

At 6:15 AM, Blogger Kage said...

Some simple math:

Argument = two people who can't agree.

Beating = one smart person belittling a stupid person who can't agree with the smart person.

Discussion = two smart people who can't agree.

Rather easy to see why there are so many more arguments than discussions. 99% of the people occupying this planet are so stupid they have to add on their fingers.

At 7:58 AM, Blogger The Liberal Pessimist said...

Been reading since day 1, and I have to commend you GMdave. While I doubt your actions are what you describe, as I play FFXI and am in an HNMLS, this is seriously one of the top-written blogs I've ever layed eyes on.

Keep it up :D

At 9:27 AM, Blogger Dramanue of Fenrir said...

Good story and all, but I'm agreeing with Shuy's argument. The elementals in Behemoth's Domain can't possibly aggro to HNMLSes... If anything, I think they stop aggroing at level, what, 40?

If the battle was maybe in Sky where elementals abound... and they were fighting, say, Despot, then it's a bit more believable, but even then, you couldn't pull an elemental to Despot's spot (although, you could pull pots and other statues to Despot's spot). Even at that, they would despawn as soon as the MPKing HNMLS were to leave/die due to the MPKing patch.

The only other place I could possibly imagine having this problem with elementals and an "HNM" is with Charybdis where right outside the room spawn Water Elementals. Ose and Lord of Onzozo may pose a similar threat (Air and Water Elementals).

Another possibility is actually your pet dragon himself. Jormungand spawns naturally in Uleguerand Range where Ice Elementals spawn... Just a couple of thoughts.

At 9:45 AM, Blogger Kuponutz said...

I think that was kind of his point when he said

"GM]Dave>> The elementals were too tough.
Leader2>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> For your alliance."

He was sarcastically pointing out that unless they are complete idiots (read: retards) there shouldn't have been any reason to warp away from those elementals.

As for [GM] Dave being the principal, Corporal punishment {can I have it?} {You can have this} {impossible to guage} {Mithra} {Excitement} :p

At 10:41 AM, Blogger SATANSANTA said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 10:41 AM, Blogger SATANSANTA said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 10:41 AM, Blogger SATANSANTA said...


At 10:52 AM, Blogger Myloko said...

Wow...a person escaped without becoming dragon food o_O I think you're starting to go soft Dave ;p You should have fed him just because he was in the same area as those losers! Like cmon, he should be GRATEFUL for having you feed him to that dragon! ^^v

At 7:42 PM, Blogger Ziggurat said...

Thank God for you Dave, you are the hand of justice humanity has been waiting for.

At 8:36 PM, Blogger Chaos said...

Haha dave.....

I may have been the only one to catch the Beowulf referance =p.... you kill me.

At 9:31 AM, Blogger Music-chan said...

As much as I like seeing people being fed to dragons, I'm glad the third, uninvolved guy, go free.

We all like to see idiots punished. It's slightly less funny to see an innocent person get the teeth....axe....teeth... whatever

At 1:19 AM, Blogger Aeriel said...

"Here's a news flash. You may want to sit down.


Also in the news, water is wet."

:::vomits in morning coffee due to excessive laughter:::

Well that started my day off well :)

((((All hail King[GM]Dave))))

At 12:29 PM, Blogger Kaedetsuka said...

<.< Stupid GM


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