Wednesday, May 10, 2006

GM Tactics Advance

Honestly, as often as we get GM calls, this job can get kind of boring at times.

I mean, we ignore about 99% of them so we have a lot of time on our hands. A normal shift can drag out quite a bit.

Most of us just farm or craft on our main characters in between GM calls (or the ones we bother to respond to), but even that gets old after a while.

Today, rather than doing that, I pulled out my GBA and fired up FF Tactics Advance to burn away a few hours.

A few hours turned into most of my shift.

Damn, that game is addictive.

But, honestly, what the hell is up with the judges?

For those of you who don't know, every battle in FFTA involves a Judge who enforces specific rules for the battle. Each day the law changes and if you break the law, you get a card that results in some form of punishment. Yellow is a mild punishment, red is automatic jail time.

The problem is that the rules are so damned random. No swords today. No Black Magic.

I half expect to see "NO PANTS TODAY!"

I mean, where do those Judges get off making up rules like that and then taking it out on players?

Yes, yes. I get the irony.

Shut up.

Just as I was about to start a major battle though, I heard the harsh chime that signals an incoming GM call.


GM Call Description: MPK Attempt in Boyahda Tree.


I have better stuff to do right now.

(( I'm sorry. )) (( I'm playing solo right now. ))

Now, where was I?


GM Call Description: MPK Attempt in Boyahda Tree.

Apparently, someone can't take a hint.

Note to self: ban moron later.

And back to beating that Totema. Stupid damned dragons eating my characters.

The irony abounds.


GM Call Description: MPK Attempt in Boyahda Tree.

Son of a...

One of the most annoying things for a GM is the idiots who spam the GM call system. You need to wait an appropriate amount of time for a response.

If you don't get a response, it's because your problem is stupid.

Is this a hard system to understand?

We're not going to hurry because you sent two GM calls. Or three. Or eight.

You're like those idiots that press the elevator button five times, instead of just once. As if the elevator is going to go "Oh damn! I had better hurry because a whole bunch of people need a ride!"

And having other people in your party send the same call doesn't help your cause.

Well, if they can't wait, I'll be sure to log right in and take care of them.

I wouldn't want to keep them waiting.

So, I set my GBA down and log in. Then I grab a Chocobo and warp us both over to Boyahda Tree.

There they were. A group of adventurers trying to take down Aquarius.

[GM]Dave>> Hello, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> Are you familiar with today's Laws?
Player>> Uh...
Player>> Laws?
[GM]Dave>> Today, you're not allowed to use items in battle.
Player>> Okay, I guess.
Player>> Are you here about the MPK attempt?
[GM]Dave>> Are you alive?
Player>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> Problem solved.
[GM]Dave>> You're welcome.
Player>> Damned useless GMs.
[GM]Dave>> You are being fined 50,000 gil.
Player>> What?!
[GM]Dave>> Insulting a Judge... I mean GM... is a serious offense.
Player>> That's BULLSHIT!
[GM]Dave>> You are being fined one Brigandine.
Player>> You can't do this.
[GM]Dave>> I'm pretty sure I can.
[GM]Dave>> You being half naked seems like strong evidence.
Player>> I mean that it's not right.
[GM]Dave>> The law is always right.

I'll admit that this player learned pretty quickly. He got real quiet real fast.

He borrowed some armor from a party member and they continued their fight.

And I watched.

Player>> Umm...
Player>> Why are you still here?
Player>> WHAT?!
[GM]Dave>> Just kidding.
[GM]Dave>> A judge has to be present for any battle.
Player>> ...
Player>> You're not going away are you?
[GM]Dave>> I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you.

I know it's not actually possible, but I could practically see his shoulders slump as the grim realization of what was happening finally struck this fool.

Player>> Oh shit.
[GM]Dave>> You're not allowed to use Ninjitsu today.
Player>> But...
Player>> Our tank is a Ninja.
[GM]Dave>> I don't make the rules.
Player>> Yes, you do.
[GM]Dave>> I don't get your point.

I'll give them credit. They wouldn't give up even in the face of an unbeatable force. A quick set up change and they were back in action.

Maybe he wasn't as fast a learner as I thought.

I wait a few minutes and...

Player>> Well, at least we get Ninjitsu back.
Player>> That's good news.
[GM]Dave>> Today you're not allowed to use magic.
Player>> ...
Player>> What kind of magic?
[GM]Dave>> Magic magic.
[GM]Dave>> Good luck with that.
Player>> How are we supposed to survive?
[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry.
[GM]Dave>> GMs can't give gameplay information or advice.
Player>> But how do we fight?
[GM]Dave>> Carefully?
Player>> This sucks.
[GM]Dave>> Did you just say "Can I have a Yellow Card?"
Player>> No.
[GM]Dave>> Are you sure?
[GM]Dave>> That's what it sounded like.
Player>> No, I didn't say that.
[GM]Dave>> That's good.

Lucky for them (and my entertainment value), they were high enough in level that they could actually survive using items for a while.

Player>> What now?
[GM]Dave>> You're not allowed to do damage in battle.
Player>> ...
Player>> Is that a joke?
[GM]Dave>> What up to this point suggests I'm kidding?
Player>> We can't fight without doing damage.
[GM]Dave>> You could demoralize him with propaganda.
[GM]Dave>> Or harsh criticism.
Player>> This is impossible.
[GM]Dave>> Maybe you could undermine his belief system.
Player>> This is totally unfair.
Player>> These rules are completely random.
[GM]Dave>> That is not true.
[GM]Dave>> No tarus allowed in battle.
Player>> What?!
[GM]Dave>> No names that begin with M.
[GM]Dave>> RED CARD!!!


[GM]Dave>> Do you know why you're all here?
Player>> I have no idea.
[GM]Dave>> I'm not sure of the technical terminology.
[GM]Dave>> It's either "Abuse of the GM petition system."
[GM]Dave>> Or being "Ultra-mega-gundam-retarded."
Player>> This is ridiculous.
[GM]Dave>> I'd say it's more ludicrous, but whatever.
Player>> When do we get out of here?
[GM]Dave>> I think you wait three turns or roll doubles.
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> Dammit. That's Monopoly.
[GM]Dave>> Where's that stupid manual?
Player>> You're a &*$%ing idiot.
Player>> What the hell is a Black Card?

Jormungand hits Player for 5,820 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> Anyone else need to ask a stupid question?

I really think those guys learned their lesson.

At least, I hope so.

I probably should let them out of Mordion Gaol sometime and find out.

Anyway... back to those Totema.

Stupid damned dragons.


At 8:11 PM, Blogger Pyroelf said...

oh god lol, that brins back memories.

I'll admit though, the Judges in FFT:A made it interesting as hell.

The ONLY Thing I would change to it if anything was storyline and thats it.

At 8:25 PM, Blogger DeaconBlue said...

[GM]Dave>> You could demoralize him with propaganda.
[GM]Dave>> Or harsh criticism.
Player>> This is impossible.
[GM]Dave>> Maybe you could undermine his belief system.

You deserve an award for constantly fresh constantly hilarious material.

At 8:28 PM, Blogger currentlypresent said...

Utinam logica falsa tuam philosophiam totam suffodiant.

(May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy.)

At 9:11 PM, Blogger Trigger said...

FFTA was the most ridiculous games I ever wasted my time completing. This makes me happy I finished it so I understand what your talking about however :D

At 9:27 PM, Blogger Naritori said...

Good once again but this time i need to play FFT:A so i can get a grasp on what your saying

At 9:38 PM, Blogger Avihai said...

I was wondering why you needed a chocobo...untill you yelled out YELLOW CARD!

I guess the JUDGE ARMOUR makes sence now.

At 9:40 PM, Blogger BenoSmash said...

Reading the comments I see that I'm obviously missing something... And I have a guess that it's something to do with the Judge (IE: YELLOW CARD! and RULE CHANGE!) stuff.

Even though I don't know anything about tactics, I found this to be funny.

Thanks for the laugh!

At 10:14 PM, Blogger The Tricky God said...

To Garafano: It is a reference to soccer, or football if you live anywhere else in the world other than America.

To [GM] Dave: I found your blog last week and have read every hilarious story since. Playing WoW, I am saddened that the system in that game is not set up in such a way that a GM could blatantly abuse the system for his own malevolent self gratification. Many idiots need a dire Dragon Eating in that game.

At 10:38 PM, Blogger BenoSmash said...

To The Tricky God: Okay... not having played Tactics, I didn't know that they didn't have this card system in the game.

But I do know of the card system in Soccer/football, and it does make sense. I was assuming that he was in the mindset for tactics took something from the game and applied it to that instance... Thanks for trying to clarify.

And onto something totally different:

I could easily be considered a N00B in the world of FFXI, only having Monk and Warrior at 13 and 14, respectively. However, I know to never give anything to anyone, unless I'm feeling generous. And there's not many people I can be generous to.

However, I was just on, checking the notorious AH monster for any money it had given me, and putting things back onto it to see if I couldn't get monies back... and someone asked for help. I comply and teach them how to get an empress band. They are having problems getting one, and decide to trade to me. I'm a nice guy, so I take the item and hold on to it for them. After a while, they get the Empress band... However, I still have their ring of +2 mind.

I had checked it out, and deemed that I didn't need it just yet, but I am still too nice of a person to just keep the ring. So I traded it back, berating the person about never trading items to others. and to never drop things, unless they mean to.

Not to mention that i was feeling generous, and gave the person 10k beforehand... 25% of my total Gill, not including moghouse and worn EQ. After berating them about not handing things over, they got bold and told me that I would have paid for it anyway... So I accepted their friend request.

I'd make a horrible GM. :(
I'm just too nice.

At 11:03 PM, Blogger leonoxx said...

on that note...

I'm glad there are people like [GM]Dave to be evil for people like gar and me...

[GM]Dave: the great equalizer

(and funny as hell)

At 11:33 PM, Blogger Araknai said...

LOL Amazing.

At 11:44 PM, Blogger Ember Darc said...

What about an MPK attempt made them feel they needed a GM? I never got far into FFXI.

At 1:12 AM, Blogger Rogue said...

Man I tell you, people never get it. No matter how much you give, people just never get it. /sigh. Just dont be stupid, play by the rules, dont bug GMs and you wont become dragon food.

At 1:30 AM, Blogger WindexHamster said...

I was going to quote something I found most hilarious here, but as I kept reading, it kept stacking up.

I may as well quote the entire dialogue from this one. XD

Just beautiful, man.

At 1:49 AM, Blogger Pascal said...

well... at least they were not banned. :)

At 2:22 AM, Blogger Kizna said...

Wow, today's victim took significantly less damage than normal, AND he didn't get banned =O Is everything okay Dave?

Haha, great post. Darn that TA, such an addicting game... Got me through Econ xP Great post, as usual =)

At 2:22 AM, Blogger Aylee said...

This is odd as hell. Every time I do something in FFXI, I read about the same sort of incident in this blog. Odd coincidence, or is GM Dave one of my in-game friends and I just don't know about it? Hmm..

Well, irrelevent, it's funny as hell. Good job, and thank you.

At 2:47 AM, Blogger Aeriel said...

[GM]Dave being preoccupied with FF:TA and neglecting his paperwork (read: Drinking Single Malt) and his reports (read: bans) oh dear dear me
what is the world comming to when a GM is drawn away from his duty (read: Intoxified torture of noobs)

Nice change of pace dave i especially liked the :
"Player>> This is ridiculous.
[GM]Dave>> I'd say it's more ludicrous, but whatever.
Player>> When do we get out of here?
[GM]Dave>> I think you wait three turns or roll doubles.
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> Dammit. That's Monopoly.
[GM]Dave>> Where's that stupid manual?
Player>> You're a &*$%ing idiot."

F%£king comedy gold as usual :)
I should change my forum sig's to
"All Hail Lord[GM]Dave"

At 4:27 AM, Blogger shinyu of cerberus said...

[GM]Dave this was so hilarious i had to create an account just to tell you. The judges in FFT arent very fair but they arent even this cruel. Keep up the good work this was by far the funniest yet.

At 4:42 AM, Blogger Mi'kael said...

Hmmm...I can't play FFXI, I have a Mac so its a no go. But I do play WoW. *braces himself for the heckles* Yeah I know, anyway, I put in a GM call once because I would harvest a herb and it would cause my character to freeze every time I tried to harvest this particular herb from this specific area. Anyway, they still haven't fixed the problem. But I would consider that a kind of emergency. I mean other than being eaten by a dragon or a demon or meeting [GM]Dave on a bad day that is.

At 4:56 AM, Blogger [GM]Dave said...

The story has been slightly edited for those of you who have not played FFTA.

Next time this happens, you get the dragon.

At 5:29 AM, Blogger Kage said...

I love FFTA (I have something like 100 some hours on my game), but the judges DO suck. Seriously. After you beat the game, it follows a predictable pattern. There were a couple of rules I particulary hated, in fact, I got a bunch of antilaw cards AND would look ahead on the rule schedule before I started fighting.

Then I got Cid. Problem solved.

At 6:47 AM, Blogger Thistle said...

I love you, [GM]Dave! Thanks for the great laughs!

At 8:06 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Player>> What the hell is a Black Card?

Jormungand hits Player for 5,820 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

Didn't see that one coming. Kudos.

At 8:12 AM, Blogger Tsuki said...

... In my personal opinion... FFTA was
a shame to FFT :/

At 9:30 AM, Blogger ångel said...

Wouldn't normally post, but

I half expect to see "NO PANTS TODAY!"

reminded me of this, and I thought you might appreciate it if you hadn't already seen it.


At 9:33 AM, Blogger Myloko said...

Man, your rules rock ;) Lol you shoulda made them fight without armor, they woulda gone down REALLY fast XD

At 9:55 AM, Blogger Artos said...

Antilaw Card: Liquor

At 10:22 AM, Blogger [GM]Dave said...

That vgcats comic is actually where I got the "NO PANTS" idea from.

At 10:24 AM, Blogger Raivyne said...

You need to wait an appropriate amount of time for a response.

If you don't get a response, it's because your problem is stupid.

Is this a hard system to understand?


At 12:09 PM, Blogger BSinBs said...

As sure as I am that you don't read these (basically cause I wouldn't) I had to say something.

A LS mate sent me a link to here with an attached note: "Heres someone who hates people about as much as you. Do you have a twin whose a GM?"

Can we get a GM center in New England? that could really help out my days, or irrate me a little more but im not sure thats possible.

At 2:04 PM, Blogger Reeree said...

Tune in Next Time when [Judge]Dave finds out what happens to adventurers in JagD Ballista.

At 2:48 PM, Blogger Curtisaw49 said...

Honestly, I don't think this guy deserved to be picked on. Sure, he insulted a god, but MPK is a huge problem by people on FFXI and it should be addressed.

All in all, this was a hella funny post. I still love this blog. ^_^

At 4:05 PM, Blogger Jirizo Reborn said...

Lol, they just kept so clam untill they were eaten by dragons...

At 5:49 PM, Blogger Ariyon said...

omg, that's freaking great. i started reading these a couple days ago and sent this to a bunch of my friends that also play XI. FF:TA was fun, through i agree that the laws were kinda retarded from time to time. (especially the ones were you get a bonus for it and on the next line down it's banned >.<)

but yeah... [GM]Dave, you are the best. my brother says he's going to use you example to become a better smartass... <.<=>.>

At 7:21 PM, Blogger Kaisersoze said...

Lol this is my first post but ive been reading alot of your posts this stuff is classical i'm glad there is atleast 1 GM out there that knows good humor :)

At 11:19 PM, Blogger lesa said...

lol super funny

At 3:29 AM, Blogger Rez said...

Wow! One guy screws up and they all pay for it. That seems so unfair, but then again they probably deserved it.

At 2:50 AM, Blogger mosca do ecrâ said...

Rotflol u'r like a real life spider jerusalem. love the blog (and as long as i'm not a victim enjoy feeding jormungand)

At 11:48 PM, Blogger Sickle said...

I love you dave.

At 11:22 PM, Blogger Mod-Psyche said...

Wow... Adrammelech gave you problems? Man you ust have sucked back then O_O

At 10:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You [GM] Dave, I'm gonna find out if you work with my company and get you fired because I'm the one behind the money that gives you work. You are just making people angry and sad, just beacause you like too make people sad. Maybe you are a sad person with no women in his life or happiness; thats the need of you to make other people feel the same way you do.What a shame Dave, you have fail at life.

At 12:51 PM, Blogger Kaedetsuka said...

Where is the velvet card ? xD


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