Tuesday, May 09, 2006

[GM]Dave Takes Care of His Own

I was having a bad morning.

And when GMs have a bad morning, people die.

After dealing with umpteen thousand idiots asking me the most asinine questions, I was ready to snap. It was as if the entire collective stupidity of Vana’diel was reaching out and pushing on my last nerve.

But what could I do to alleviate my stress?

Let’s consider my options:


a) Random bannings

Always fun and entertaining. Watching people scream and cry as you take away all of their virtual worldly possessions and then kill their character is comedy gold.

Unfortunately, I was in the mood to see stupid people suffer and with random bannings you cannot be sure they deserve it.

They usually do, but it does take some of the joy out of it.


b) “Adjust” mob levels

Again, entertaining. Changing a mobs level and watching parties try desperately to beat them is just funny.

You know that one mob that just seemed much harder than usual, the one that ate your whole party.

Yeah, that was me.

Maybe later.


c) Kill some gilsellers

Here we go. There’s no way to go wrong with this one.

It’s always hilarious and you are always guaranteed to be killing an idiot. Plus, watching a gilseller suffer just makes you feel better about yourself.

Kind of like the world’s average IQ just went up a little.


And with that, the decision was made.

But where would I find a gilseller?

Stop laughing at that question.

I didn’t want your random run of the mill gilseller. I wanted to catch someone in the act and make them suffer.

And let other players watch them suffer.

I mean what is suffering without an audience?

Then it happened. The tiny ding sound that signaled a GM call has arrived. The sound that I both despise and fear.

GM Call Description: Team of gilsellers camping Poisonhand Gnadgad

It was perfect.

It was as if a million gilsellers suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.

*GLEE*

I quickly warped over to Cerberus server to “take care” of the situation.

Let's see... player's name is Goby...

Goby on Cerberus server...

Why does that sound familiar?

I did a quick check of my list and that's when I saw the name.

He's a member of my fan club.

Oh, man, did those gilsellers pick on the wrong guy.

[GM]Dave>> Hello, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> Yada yada yada
[GM]Dave>> Where are they?
Goby>> They’re right by the spawnpoint.
Goby>> I think they may be using bots, as well.

Botters and gilsellers. This just keeps getting better.

I should check though.

[GM]Dave>> How do you know they’re gilsellers?
Goby>> Well…
Goby>> They offered to sell us gil.
Goby>> That was my first clue.
[GM]Dave>> Subtle.
Goby>> Oh, yeah.
Goby>> It was like cracking the Da Vinci Code.
[GM]Dave>> Is there anyone else there to verify this?
Goby>> My friend Imagin is here.
Goby>> He’s helping me camp.
[GM]Dave>> Perfect.
[GM]Dave>> Now, we can handle this a few different ways.
Goby>> Go on.
[GM]Dave>> I can fill out a report and they may be banned.
Goby>> Not bad, I guess.
[GM]Dave>> I can temp suspend them and make a report.
Goby>> That won’t do very much.
[GM]Dave>> Or we could just ban them.
[GM]Dave>> And delete their characters.
[GM]Dave>> And cancel their content IDs.
[GM]Dave>> And ban their IPs.
Goby>> You can do all that?!
[GM]Dave>> Of course.
[GM]Dave>> I call it the “Deluxe Package”.
Goby>> Is that everything?
Goby>> You don’t burn down their house as well?
[GM]Dave>> We’re working on that for the next expansion.
[GM]Dave>> So which should we do?
Goby>> Oh… well… umm… gee…
Goby>> BAN THEM!
[GM]Dave>> That’s it.
[GM]Dave>> Give into the dark side.
Goby>> Can I watch?
Goby>> PLEASE?
[GM]Dave>> I have a better idea.

[GM]Dave has requested to trade with you.
Trade completed.

Goby>> What’s this?
Goby>> It looks like a Wooden Katana.
[GM]Dave>> Read the description.
Goby>> A BAN STICK?!!!
[GM]Dave>> Hope you like it.
Goby>> How do I use it?
[GM]Dave>> I set your account to PvP.
[GM]Dave>> Now, you just hit them.
Goby>> That’s it?
[GM]Dave>> Yup.
[GM]Dave>> I could stand behind you and make sound effects.
Goby>> Uhh… the stick of doom should do nicely.
Goby>> Thank you.
[GM]Dave>> I thought so.
[GM]Dave>> Have fun.
Goby>> I AM BECOME DEATH INCARNATE!

This guy went bat shit crazy.

Imagine a hyperactive kid. Now, imagine you gave that kid lots of sugar. Now, imagine you injected him with adrenaline. Now, imagine it was Christmas morning. Now, imagine you told him the people around him were walking piñatas filled with candy.

That’s about what happened.

He started running around swinging at any gilseller that stepped in his path. Names went gray and bodies disappeared like snowflakes in July.

It was beautiful.

It actually got a little hard to follow because he was running so fast. He looked like a hummingbird on crack.

Then, his job done and the gilsellers gone, he walked back to me.

Goby>> OMG! That was fun!
[GM]Dave>> It looked fun.
Goby>> Did you see that one guy? The THF?
Goby>> Did you see him try and run?
[GM]Dave>> They always run.
Goby>> That was AWESOME!
[GM]Dave>> I knew you’d enjoy it.
[GM]Dave>> There are a few problems though.
Goby>> Really?
Goby>> Like what?
[GM]Dave>> You know that last guy you banned?
Goby>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> That was Poisonhand Gnadgad.
Goby>> Oh.
Goby>> My bad.
[GM]Dave>> And you know the guy you banned before him?
Goby>> Kind of.
[GM]Dave>> That was your friend Imagin.
Goby>> Oh damn.
[GM]Dave>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> His 75 Dragoon is now a smouldering pile of ruin.
Goby>> Sucks to be him.
[GM]Dave>> Have you ever considered becoming a GM?

After taking back the ban stick (which I had to forcibly remove from his inventory because he didn’t want to give it back), we bowed and parted company.

All in all, I was having a much better day.

64 Comments:

At 5:23 PM, Blogger Myloko said...

Whoot! First post virginity! My GOD Dave, you ARE the GOD OF ALL GODS! Mind coming to Titan next time and using some good ol' fashion Dave wrath on the hundreds of GS there? ;)

 
At 5:26 PM, Blogger Ropeteer said...

LMFAO!!!!

By far the funniest one I have read yet.

kudos.

 
At 5:48 PM, Blogger Curtisaw49 said...

I want a ban stick...There are many many douchebags on Caitsith that are just standing in line, waiting to be turned into Jorgy food. -GLEE- My christmas would be you visiting Caitsith, and giving me a present. Banage of the GS, all the way. Oh yeah, and the douchebags...Can't forget about them.

 
At 5:59 PM, Blogger Artos said...

Goby>> I AM BECOME DEATH INCARNATE!




And thus I laughed.

And laughed.

And laughed.

 
At 6:13 PM, Blogger Jirizo Reborn said...

See how cool it is to be nice Dave?

Damn..Now I want a ban stick..

 
At 6:16 PM, Blogger Fendi said...

Okay, been reading this for a while. While I don't play FFXI, I do play another MMO, which is full of f@#$tards. This post made me laugh out loud as I read it at work. Got in trouble for being too loud. Very hilarious though. Wish the GMs in my game had that kind of power (if they do then they REALLY need to use it).

 
At 6:19 PM, Blogger Trigger said...

Wow, you make my day reading this. Since I don't actually play the game some of the names don't make total sense, but that doesnt even matter. You craft together the scenario so perfectly! Makes me want to be a GM. I should probably go find a mmorpg first that I actually enjoy playing... o.o;

 
At 7:07 PM, Blogger BenoSmash said...

I love that!
I think this was the funniest in a while.

Yay!

 
At 7:20 PM, Blogger E. Swartz said...

I linked you from Wondrous Inventions.

Awesome post, almost makes me wish I played FFXI. Almost.

 
At 8:19 PM, Blogger Siegtaru said...

Omigawd.

Rofltastic.

I love that. I take it that was the one for your highest donator? xP If it was you make a great team. =] Wow just wow. I want a Ban Stick.

-Takes a swing at (Insert all the members of (Insert the HNMLS's he really hates and all gilsellers here) here.)- >.>

 
At 8:34 PM, Blogger Hutea said...

[GM]Dave>> His 75 Dragoon is now a smouldering pile of ruin.
Goby>> Sucks to be him.
[GM]Dave>> Have you ever considered becoming a GM?


I laughed.. a lot. :D

 
At 8:47 PM, Blogger Avihai said...

Goby please post....I would love to hear what it felt like to ban people...

 
At 8:51 PM, Blogger K0b33r said...

LOL, i love this Blog, im on cerberus and i know Goby, having my GF ask him to post now as im a work.

 
At 9:51 PM, Blogger Bellemithra said...

HOLY SH*T!!

"Imagine a hyperactive kid. Now, imagine you gave that kid lots of sugar. Now, imagine you injected him with adrenaline. Now, imagine it was Christmas morning. Now, imagine you told him the people around him were walking piñatas filled with candy."

The tears are rollin' down my cheeks!

 
At 10:06 PM, Blogger Tobaba said...

Ok the Ban Stick is much more fun than the MT Fairy Beating Stick ... gimmie

 
At 10:23 PM, Blogger Kylin said...

[GM]Dave>> You know that last guy you banned?
Goby>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> That was Poisonhand Gnadgad.
Goby>> Oh.
Goby>> My bad.
[GM]Dave>> And you know the guy you banned before him?
Goby>> Kind of.
[GM]Dave>> That was your friend Imagin.
Goby>> Oh damn.
[GM]Dave>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> His 75 Dragoon is now a smouldering pile of ruin.
Goby>> Sucks to be him.
[GM]Dave>> Have you ever considered becoming a GM?


OMFG Hillarious!
Poor Imagin..

 
At 11:02 PM, Blogger Kouk said...

The irony in a gil buyer banning gil sellers...

 
At 12:58 AM, Blogger Goby said...

Unfortunately, I have been sworn to secrecy involving any details or events which [GM]Dave Himself has not chosen to make public. And as I'm none too keen to be fed to any dragons, nor be on the other end of the Ban Stick, I'm sticking to the agreement.

I will say the "collaboration" with [GM]Dave was most enjoyable, and I will confess that the accidental thwapping of Imagin with the Ban Stick wasn't exactly so accidental. That wyvern-lover's had it coming for a long time.

As always, I look forward to the humorous and whiskey-fueled "server population adjustments" by [GM]Dave in future installments.

P.S. Jealous much, Kouk? Sorry if your luck or timing in the game hasn't been as good that you feel the need to toss out baseless slander to make up for it.

 
At 1:28 AM, Blogger Aeriel said...

ROFLMFAO OMG
that was by far your best one ever Grand{Megaboss}Dave :)

"[GM]Dave>> How do you know they’re gilsellers?
Goby>> Well…
Goby>> They offered to sell us gil.
Goby>> That was my first clue.
[GM]Dave>> Subtle.
Goby>> Oh, yeah.
Goby>> It was like cracking the Da Vinci Code."

Before you even got to the hyperactive bansticktasticness that bit had me in pieces over the office desk :)

 
At 3:14 AM, Blogger Pascal said...

Goby>> I AM BECOME DEATH INCARNATE!

 
At 4:00 AM, Blogger sngirl said...

I would have to admit, if I had the ban stick, there would be more than a few accidental 'hits' thrown in while I was swinging away.

Great job [GM]Dave! Been giggling for a good 5 minutes now.

 
At 5:24 AM, Blogger Arwenne said...

Best post EVER. Goby, you are the luckiest guy ever.

Thank goodness I come in earlier than my boss... 'cause I really think laughing hysterically might not count as work.

 
At 5:25 AM, Blogger Dantaro said...

Chehehehehe, That ones up there in funny. Especially the "I AM BECOME DEATH INCARNATE" part. I'm gonna be saying that a few times today

 
At 5:29 AM, Blogger Kage said...

Beautiful. Give kids a foot of ban stick and they run a mile with it. Gotta love them. Excellent analogy. Your post title makes me think you're like the Mafia. Not entirely inaccurate, probably.

 
At 5:43 AM, Blogger SmallHalo said...

This guy went bat shit crazy.

Imagine a hyperactive kid. Now, imagine you gave that kid lots of sugar. Now, imagine you injected him with adrenaline. Now, imagine it was Christmas morning. Now, imagine you told him the people around him were walking piñatas filled with candy.


must ....

stop ....

laughing ....

i think if i keep reading your blog at work I'm going to get fired for laughing out loud too much. :)

 
At 5:43 AM, Blogger SmallHalo said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 6:43 AM, Blogger Kouk said...

Doesnt surprise me at all that a gil buyer gave the biggest donation and Im not jealous at all. I was just pointing out the irony that a gil buyer was banning gil sellers. Made this post that much better :)

 
At 7:09 AM, Blogger Tagerra said...

As someone in tech support? You have my undying respect and devotion.

Jormungand, likewise, has said undying respect and devotion, combined with great pity for the ulcers all those scorpion harnesses have to be giving him by now...

Also? Kouk, shut up.

 
At 7:47 AM, Blogger Raivyne said...

Dave, come to WoW please!

kouk get over it.

fendi, if you play WoW, then peep this:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Dr6owBKwn6A&search=world%20of%20warcraft

(i hope posting this doesn't irk you Dave)

 
At 8:28 AM, Blogger Wickerbasket said...

(Deluxe Package) (Do you need it?)

 
At 8:35 AM, Blogger MikeDee said...

Thank you [GM] Dave! I work in a call center as tech support. Sometimes I wish I could use the Deleuxe Pacakge on some of these users...Anywas good stuff :D

 
At 8:56 AM, Blogger -liam- said...

Meh, not as funny because I know you 100% definitly made this up because Goby was the highest donater last month (or this month, whatever).. :(

 
At 9:40 AM, Blogger Master Dingo said...

Hey -liam-, you know any jokes that start with, "A Rabbi, a Priest, and a duck walk into a bar..." or any variation thereof? Now, let's say, hypothetically, that a Rabbi, a Priest, and a duck did not, in reality walk into a bar causing hilarity to ensue. Would that make the joke any less funny in your eyes?

 
At 10:45 AM, Blogger Reeree said...

[GM]Dave has become such a galactic force of nature that Tards now orbit him.

He probably assumed that was just hallucinations induced by alcohol poisoning.

Time to put on the blindfold (to stop the spinning sensation and prevent vomiting) and go Jedi master on them with a ban stick.

 
At 11:30 AM, Blogger Erewan said...

DaVinci Code

... Priceless :P

 
At 11:38 AM, Blogger Seryu said...

O-M-G :P btw a fan-club? who i must kill to be in?

 
At 11:44 AM, Blogger [GM]Takana said...

"ban stick" 公式のなまえ:
「+12 永遠の死神のバトン」

 
At 12:38 PM, Blogger Siegtaru said...

Ooh and I thought our good friend [GM]Takana was dead. ^^

-Grabs a ban stick and runs at [GM]Takana-

Nyaaaaaaah! ^ 3^

 
At 2:03 PM, Blogger Delano said...

Haven't played FFXI in over 2 months and you make me want to come back just because of this blog....lmao

 
At 3:59 PM, Blogger Galkizzle said...

Dave, have you ever been in a party with Douchebags, and just taken out the ol' ban stick?

I sure as hell would.

 
At 6:29 PM, Blogger [GM]Takana said...

Oh, [GM]Dave read news wrong. Rival [GM]Takano, killed in JR 電車山手線 accident. (O not A)

Jump in front train, messy.

 
At 7:09 PM, Blogger Rathanel said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 7:11 PM, Blogger Rathanel said...

For those curious:

"ban stick" 公式のなまえ:
「+12 永遠の死神のバトン」

The official name of the "ban stick":
「+12 Baton of the God of Eternal Death」

or possibly "Eternal God of Death", but I prefer the former, and it makes more sense in the context.

 
At 8:03 PM, Blogger [GM]Dave said...

For those curious:

"Eternal God of Death" tranlates to "[GM]Dave".

 
At 10:18 PM, Blogger Hutea said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 9:36 AM, Blogger loque said...

Lol! Goby .. good one ... How much did you donate to get that reward ^^


Too good, davey. It's nice to get a break of the redundate dragon-feedins and get a variety now :D

 
At 12:33 PM, Blogger Lulu said...

I just choked on my apple...

 
At 1:09 PM, Blogger Elinea said...

Oh, my gosh the best one yet ---you are priceless!!

 
At 9:18 PM, Blogger ayahh said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 11:34 PM, Blogger ayahh said...

awwwww goby next time u gona kill immy invit me *orgasm*
i own him one death

 
At 11:35 PM, Blogger Genzaii said...

Remarkable work....both of you come on over to Ifrit server when you get a chance and take care of few wise guys here ;)

Genz

 
At 3:17 AM, Blogger Rez said...

This made me laugh until I cried. GENIUS!

 
At 5:34 PM, Blogger Codyy said...

This is Codyy... I know Goby! He's one of my best in game friends. Ha! That's great stuff.

 
At 1:01 PM, Blogger Microviathan said...

Fantastic. You're single-handedly convincing me to reopen my FFXI account.
If only CoH GMs were as active.

 
At 4:51 PM, Blogger arcangel72 said...

"For those curious:

"Eternal God of Death" tranlates to "[GM]Dave"."


I would think that to be rather obvious

 
At 9:29 AM, Blogger Solid Squid said...

Even without playing FFXI I'm pissing myself laughing. Awesome post, and great work Goby

oh, and on FFT:A, Someone else came to the same conclusion

 
At 11:49 AM, Blogger Adolamin said...

Omg i couldent stop laughing xD... I know its alot to ask, but can somone order me a new speen? my last one ruptured from the laughter :P

 
At 12:13 PM, Blogger Breaker said...

By far my favorite post. Whenever I need a good laugh...I just read this one.

Goby>> I AM BECOME DEATH INCARNATE!

Priceless.

 
At 7:11 PM, Blogger Aniero said...

extremely funny!!!

 
At 9:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, [GM] Dave! I know that this is a very old entry and all(obviously), but I wanted to ask something of you. Being a huge fan of your "adventures" I wanted to make a comic of this blog. This was the entry that struck me as a good starter and if this is alright with you, I would really like to give it a shot. If you don't care for fanart, please let me know.

 
At 9:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You [GM] Dave, I'm gonna find out if you work with my company and get you fired because I'm the one behind the money that gives you work.

 
At 12:22 PM, Blogger Kaedetsuka said...

{GM}Dave is a noob you have a bad comportement you kicked all player soon have no ppl on FFXI

 
At 7:46 PM, Blogger Dragoonclaw said...

I want a RL banstick... pretty pleeease. lol nice blog. Magique tole' me this was a funny place ty for the lol

 
At 1:49 PM, Blogger Shadowsong said...

Haha.

If only the WoW GM's half as humorous...

wow, maybe I should play that.

 

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