Bannable Offenses

[GM]Dave Takes Care of His Own

I was having a bad morning.

And when GMs have a bad morning, people die.

After dealing with umpteen thousand idiots asking me the most asinine questions, I was ready to snap. It was as if the entire collective stupidity of Vana’diel was reaching out and pushing on my last nerve.

But what could I do to alleviate my stress?

Let’s consider my options:

a) Random bannings

Always fun and entertaining. Watching people scream and cry as you take away all of their virtual worldly possessions and then kill their character is comedy gold.

Unfortunately, I was in the mood to see stupid people suffer and with random bannings you cannot be sure they deserve it.

They usually do, but it does take some of the joy out of it.

b) “Adjust” mob levels

Again, entertaining. Changing a mobs level and watching parties try desperately to beat them is just funny.

You know that one mob that just seemed much harder than usual, the one that ate your whole party.

Yeah, that was me.

Maybe later.

c) Kill some gilsellers

Here we go. There’s no way to go wrong with this one.

It’s always hilarious and you are always guaranteed to be killing an idiot. Plus, watching a gilseller suffer just makes you feel better about yourself.

Kind of like the world’s average IQ just went up a little.


And with that, the decision was made.

But where would I find a gilseller?

Stop laughing at that question.

I didn’t want your random run of the mill gilseller. I wanted to catch someone in the act and make them suffer.

And let other players watch them suffer.

I mean what is suffering without an audience?

Then it happened. The tiny ding sound that signaled a GM call has arrived. The sound that I both despise and fear.

GM Call Description: Team of gilsellers camping Poisonhand Gnadgad

It was perfect.

It was as if a million gilsellers suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.

*GLEE*

I quickly warped over to Cerberus server to “take care” of the situation.

Let's see... player's name is Goby...

Goby on Cerberus server...

Why does that sound familiar?

I did a quick check of my list and that's when I saw the name.

He's a member of my fan club.

Oh, man, did those gilsellers pick on the wrong guy.

[GM]Dave>> Hello, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> Yada yada yada
[GM]Dave>> Where are they?
Goby>> They’re right by the spawnpoint.
Goby>> I think they may be using bots, as well.

Botters and gilsellers. This just keeps getting better.

I should check though.

[GM]Dave>> How do you know they’re gilsellers?
Goby>> Well…
Goby>> They offered to sell us gil.
Goby>> That was my first clue.
[GM]Dave>> Subtle.
Goby>> Oh, yeah.
Goby>> It was like cracking the Da Vinci Code.
[GM]Dave>> Is there anyone else there to verify this?
Goby>> My friend Imagin is here.
Goby>> He’s helping me camp.
[GM]Dave>> Perfect.
[GM]Dave>> Now, we can handle this a few different ways.
Goby>> Go on.
[GM]Dave>> I can fill out a report and they may be banned.
Goby>> Not bad, I guess.
[GM]Dave>> I can temp suspend them and make a report.
Goby>> That won’t do very much.
[GM]Dave>> Or we could just ban them.
[GM]Dave>> And delete their characters.
[GM]Dave>> And cancel their content IDs.
[GM]Dave>> And ban their IPs.
Goby>> You can do all that?!
[GM]Dave>> Of course.
[GM]Dave>> I call it the “Deluxe Package”.
Goby>> Is that everything?
Goby>> You don’t burn down their house as well?
[GM]Dave>> We’re working on that for the next expansion.
[GM]Dave>> So which should we do?
Goby>> Oh… well… umm… gee…
Goby>> BAN THEM!
[GM]Dave>> That’s it.
[GM]Dave>> Give into the dark side.
Goby>> Can I watch?
Goby>> PLEASE?
[GM]Dave>> I have a better idea.

[GM]Dave has requested to trade with you.
Trade completed.

Goby>> What’s this?
Goby>> It looks like a Wooden Katana.
[GM]Dave>> Read the description.
Goby>> A BAN STICK?!!!
[GM]Dave>> Hope you like it.
Goby>> How do I use it?
[GM]Dave>> I set your account to PvP.
[GM]Dave>> Now, you just hit them.
Goby>> That’s it?
[GM]Dave>> Yup.
[GM]Dave>> I could stand behind you and make sound effects.
Goby>> Uhh… the stick of doom should do nicely.
Goby>> Thank you.
[GM]Dave>> I thought so.
[GM]Dave>> Have fun.
Goby>> I AM BECOME DEATH INCARNATE!

This guy went bat shit crazy.

Imagine a hyperactive kid. Now, imagine you gave that kid lots of sugar. Now, imagine you injected him with adrenaline. Now, imagine it was Christmas morning. Now, imagine you told him the people around him were walking piñatas filled with candy.

That’s about what happened.

He started running around swinging at any gilseller that stepped in his path. Names went gray and bodies disappeared like snowflakes in July.

It was beautiful.

It actually got a little hard to follow because he was running so fast. He looked like a hummingbird on crack.

Then, his job done and the gilsellers gone, he walked back to me.

Goby>> OMG! That was fun!
[GM]Dave>> It looked fun.
Goby>> Did you see that one guy? The THF?
Goby>> Did you see him try and run?
[GM]Dave>> They always run.
Goby>> That was AWESOME!
[GM]Dave>> I knew you’d enjoy it.
[GM]Dave>> There are a few problems though.
Goby>> Really?
Goby>> Like what?
[GM]Dave>> You know that last guy you banned?
Goby>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> That was Poisonhand Gnadgad.
Goby>> Oh.
Goby>> My bad.
[GM]Dave>> And you know the guy you banned before him?
Goby>> Kind of.
[GM]Dave>> That was your friend Imagin.
Goby>> Oh damn.
[GM]Dave>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> His 75 Dragoon is now a smouldering pile of ruin.
Goby>> Sucks to be him.
[GM]Dave>> Have you ever considered becoming a GM?

After taking back the ban stick (which I had to forcibly remove from his inventory because he didn’t want to give it back), we bowed and parted company.

All in all, I was having a much better day.

posted by Goblin Smithy @ 4:56 PM