Monday, May 08, 2006

And the Awards Roll On

Here we are on the last day of Awards week.

At least, I think it will be the last day.

Honestly, though, I could award a new stupidity award each and every day.

Sometimes, twice a day.

Usually, to the same people.

We must, however, end this edition of the Stupid Awards so that I can get back to my regular routine of killing botters and feeding dragons.

Actually having to read GM calls to find nominees is starting to bother me.

I'd rather get back to my old system: ban them all and let WoW sort them out.

On to the award...

Today's award goes out to the lowest of the low, the dumbest of the dumb, the most incredibly stupid playerset to ever inhabit the virtual realm.

This group is so incredibly stupid that simple banning does not seem ample enough.

You almost want to fly to their homes and beat them with a copy of the ToS.

Alas, if only airfare were cheaper.

How people in this group remember to breathe still mystifies me. Their sheer, rampant stupidity trails behind them in a wake from which no player is safe.

Luckily, these drooling simpletons often find their way to me.

Like lambs to the slaughter.

It actually does remind me of the time I spent working at a slaughterhouse.

I learned how to use a hammer.

The mindless cattle just walk blindly onto the killing floor, completely unaware that they are walking themselves to their own destruction.

Today's award was saved for these people because they have reached the pinnacle, penultimate level of stupidity.

The award for the most absolutely retarded player goes to the...

"I'm actively going to confess to a crime" guy.

This person is so monumentally stupid that they not only make an unnecessary GM call, but they make one and confess that they broke the rules.

I mean, how stupid can you be?

All high and mighty, these players will call us up to complain about someone breaking the rules and then explain that they did the same thing.

Or worse.

Just this morning, I got the call of calls.

He might as well have just said "give me a trophy for being retarded."

GM Call Description: Player stole money from me.

The first thing I thought was "not another of these idiots."

But then I realized that this call might give me a new nominee for the award of the day.

Little did I know how right I was.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> So, I hear you got robbed.
Player>> Yeah. They stole my money.
[GM]Dave>> Hence, the use of the word robbed.
[GM]Dave>> I could also have said "Apparently, you're retarded."
Player>> Shut up.
Player>> I'm not retarded.
[GM]Dave>> Then how did they "steal" from you, genius?
[GM]Dave>> Did they haxor ur account?
Player>> No, no, no.
Player>> They didn't give me the money they promised me.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> That's not stealing.
[GM]Dave>> That's someone not giving you money.
Player>> But they have to.
[GM]Dave>> No. No, they don't.
[GM]Dave>> They don't have to do anything.
Player>> Yes, they do.
[GM]Dave>> And why exactly is that?
Player>> Because I paid for the gil, you idiot.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Could you say that again?
Player>> I paid for the gil and they were supposed to send it.
Player>> That's what the website said.

Someone up there must either really like me or really hate him.

Given his IQ (and my penchant for random acts of evil), I'm assuming they hate him.

[GM]Dave>> So let me get this straight.
[GM]Dave>> You bought gil from a website.
Player>> Yup.
[GM]Dave>> Using real money.
Player>> Well, a credit card, but yeah.
[GM]Dave>> They didn't send you the gil.
Player>> That's right.
[GM]Dave>> And so you called me.
Player>> Yup.
[GM]Dave>> To get back the gil you paid for.
Player>> Exactly.
[GM]Dave>> Am I on Candid Camera?
Player>> What?
Player>> What do you mean?
[GM]Dave>> This is a joke, right?
[GM]Dave>> You can't possibly be that retarded.
Player>> Stop calling me retarded!
[GM]Dave>> You stop acting retarded!
[GM]Dave>> If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck...
[GM]Dave>> You're probably retarded.
Player>> I am not retarded!
[GM]Dave>> Why do the retards keep saying that?
[GM]Dave>> It's getting annoying.
Player>> Just get my gil back.
[GM]Dave>> Right away, sir.
[GM]Dave>> Can I get you anything else today?
[GM]Dave>> Would you like a unicorn as well?
Player>> I just want my gil.
Player>> I bought it. It's mine.
[GM]Dave>> Seriously.
[GM]Dave>> Is this a joke?
Player>> IT'S NOT A JOKE!!!
[GM]Dave>> It's pretty funny either way.
[GM]Dave>> I'm just wondering if I'm laughing with you...
[GM]Dave>> Or at you.
Player>> DO YOUR JOB!
[GM]Dave>> Yup.
[GM]Dave>> Definitely at you.
Player>> I WANT MY GIL!!!
[GM]Dave>> Tell you what.
[GM]Dave>> I'll punish the idiot who did something wrong, ok?
Player>> That's better.
[GM]Dave>> And I'll let you pick the punishment.
Player>> You should kill him.
[GM]Dave>> That's a good start.
[GM]Dave>> Anything else?
Player>> There's some crazy GM who feeds people to dragons.
[GM]Dave>> Really?
[GM]Dave>> I haven't heard about that.
Player>> Could you do that to him?
[GM]Dave>> That can be arranged.
[GM]Dave>> Do you want me to ban him as well?
Player>> Sure.
Player>> Damn gilsellers deserve it.
[GM]Dave>> Could you please stop talking?
[GM]Dave>> The logic center of my brain just imploded.
Player>> Uhh...
Player>> Sure.
[GM]Dave>> So fed to a dragon and banned?
Player>> That's perfect.
[GM]Dave>> I couldn't agree more.


Player>> Umm...
Player>> Where are we?
[GM]Dave>> I figured you'd want to see the retard die.
Player>> Awesome.
Player>> Where is he?
[GM]Dave>> Oh, he's nearby.

Jormungand hits Player for 10,114 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.
Player falls to level 49.

Player>> WTF?!!!
[GM]Dave>> What?
Player>> I DIED!!!
[GM]Dave>> Well aren't you observant?
[GM]Dave>> Did you want a cookie?
Player>> Why did I die?
[GM]Dave>> I'm no expert...
[GM]Dave>> But I think it was getting eaten by a dragon.
Player>> Why?!!!
[GM]Dave>> I'm not a doctor.
Player>> This is ridiculous!!!
[GM]Dave>> Then you'll find this part hilarious.


What would cause a person to become so incredibly stupid that they would actively find a GM and then confess breaking the ToS?

I mean, there's honesty and then there's retardedness.

Luckily, these players also go out of their way to get banned from the game.

It's like watching lemmings jump off a cliff.

Sp, because these morons manage to create a new dimension of stupidity, I am only too happy to award them with the 2006 Stupidity Achievement award.

I'm sure it'll be hard to appreciate a trophy with their head that far up their ass, but it's the thought that counts.


At 5:13 PM, Blogger Siegtaru said...

Wow just wow. That's like Osama flying over to the USA and saying "Wtf I didn't kill enough people, I WANT A RE-BOMBING! >=O" which is followed by him being brutally beaten. >_>

Not that I deny ever meeting someone that stupid. ^^

At 5:24 PM, Blogger Hutea said...

I've met people that stupid. The one that said eating cows was disgusting, then was asked if she ate steak and burgers and she said 'well, yeah. Steak is good stuff.'


At 5:58 PM, Blogger weary samurai said...

[GM]Dave>> If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck...
[GM]Dave>> You're probably retarded.

my friend and i laughed a lot at that one.

so many great parts, holy shit where can i learn to have wit like this?

At 5:58 PM, Blogger Dantaro said...

Wow, that was... wow. I mean, man that was funny. [GM]Dave, you truly are a man among men. Well, assuming your not a woman pretending to be a man, in which case your a woman among men... I'm gonna stop talking now.

At 6:12 PM, Blogger Galkizzle said...

I accidentally admitted to using fraps, once.

At 6:21 PM, Blogger Rogue said...

Dude dont stop! Hit hurts so good xD~~ Im sure theres many more tards you can write up about xD~~ omg normally i feel bad for these retards, but this guy was just asking for it. Keep up the good work man~ you are truly a God among men, which i think Dantaro was trying to shoot for. . . and if you are a woman. . . whats up girl, people call me Moses. (why do they call you Moses?) Cause I'll part that red sea and set my people free

At 6:35 PM, Blogger Keilyn said...

OMG! Gold...just comedy gold. I can't believe that person was that retarded. It blows the mind. Keep it up [GM]Dave!

At 6:46 PM, Blogger Myloko said...

Man...I never knew such stupidity existed until today. Dave, just for kicks, you should feed them to a killer crawler that you made super powered just so that it'll hurt their egos even more ;)

At 7:03 PM, Blogger Artos said...

"It actually does remind me of the time I spent working at a slaughterhouse.

I learned how to use a hammer."

Why did I smile and laugh at that?

At 7:04 PM, Blogger Feba said...

I once asked a GM what the official stance was on things that don't harm the game, but aren't included, such as Windower and JP IME.

He replied "I'm sorry, Feba, those are all Third-party programs, and not allowed by TOS"

I was so close to replying saying "GMさんです馬鹿(´・ω・`)ノ"

At 7:56 PM, Blogger Tim said...


Level 99 rabbit.

Just throwing you an idea.

~The Timme

At 8:20 PM, Blogger Shiphrah said...




At 8:29 PM, Blogger RaiKa said...

Fake or not...
Stupid people or not...

If this GM was real, he's a goddamn asshole. Just because there's stupid people not following obvious rules and reading the manual, doesn't mean you can torture the shit out of them for your own enjoyment. Help them, even if you laugh your head off at them. You need to either get kicked off the GM team (if you are a GM) or die a horrible death. Fucking bitch.

(And to be honest, most of this stuff is hilarious, but so wrong. I hope you really aren't a GM)

At 8:31 PM, Blogger HTL2001 said...

[GM]Dave>> The logic center of my brain just imploded.

I'll have to remember that. Shouldn't be too long though I have people do contradictory stuff a lot...

and Feba, just don't say you use it and your fine. Though I have seen FRAPS crash a game before, it was an extreamly odd situation with other progs trying to steal focus and the comp being on for a long time. at first I was like "wow first crash in a long time maybe I should report this" but then I looked and the faulting module was listed as "fraps.dll" and was like... ok nevermind :)

At 8:33 PM, Blogger HTL2001 said...

erm forgot to say, I'm surprized that the guy remembered the "crazy GM" but couldn't recognize that you were him by how you talked to him... wait, nevermind :p

At 9:02 PM, Blogger Curtisaw49 said...

[GM]Dave, Please, bear my children. And honestly, all this stuff is hilarious. People that stupid just are ASKING for a beat down, to be fed to a dragon, aaand to have a shiny new -BAN- to pin up on their wall. Fucking bitch? I don't think so. God among men? Oh hell yes.

At 9:14 PM, Blogger Nazzy said...


you fail at life :)

next please...

At 9:55 PM, Blogger Silver 9 said...

Player>> Because I paid for the gil, you idiot.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Could you say that again?

...dear god...I hope he suffers a fate worse than death itself.

And if you start to say that there isn't such a thing, believe me...I'm pretty sure [GM]Dave would find out a way.

At 10:23 PM, Blogger JellybeanQueen said...

You are so funny! You remind me of House :P

At 10:29 PM, Blogger Sphene the Paladin said...

you can not bear [Gm]Dave's children cause I am gona do it first! To give birth to the son or daughter of the master.. what an honor!

*Member of the Church of [GM]Dave
since April 2006*

At 11:43 PM, Blogger Pascal said...

this "thirdy programs paranoia" should stop... at this point, even running an antivirus in the background would break the ToS. Thanks god we have mighty Dave! :D

At 1:09 AM, Blogger Aeriel said...

"Their sheer, rampant stupidity trails behind them in a wake from which no player is safe."

LMAO dave i woke up my semi-sleeping office with that one lol.

Yeah those trails of snail slime like stupidity can be a real hazard someone could slip on that shit lol.
[GM]Dave you sexah god of justice give me babies lol!

At 1:10 AM, Blogger Stocky said...

Oh, it's another "J00 sux0r GM Davez0rz!"

If you are going to make a foul comment proceed with these steps:
1: Obtain glass of water
2: Find position of electricity outlet
3: Pour water on outlet while standing near to it

At 4:37 AM, Blogger Bellemithra said...

HAHAHA That's awesome!!! You rock!

At 5:17 AM, Blogger Terra said...

Dude, you are a LEGEND. If I knew where you live, I would stalk you. But I live in a different country, so maybe not.
I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

At 9:14 AM, Blogger Kage said...

Maybe if you had a guilty concience, you would do that. But, still, no. Just no. These people should not be allowed to exist, really. End of story.

And I don't mean the cheaters. I mean the people who win the awards.

At 10:31 AM, Blogger GordotehGalka said...

A quick question for you, [GM]Dave-

Is it out of line to send a GM request just thanking you guys for keeping the game running? I know that it's not an "emergency," but I figure some friendly support wouldn't hurt. Unless it got to you and you were in a bad mood (read: drunk).

At 10:40 AM, Blogger Raivyne said...

[GM]Dave>> Could you please stop talking?
[GM]Dave>> The logic center of my brain just imploded.

I'm still laughing at this...

Great stuff "Dave"!

At 10:42 AM, Blogger MikeDee said...

[GM]Dave>> I'll punish the idiot who did something wrong, ok?
Player>> That's better.
[GM]Dave>> And I'll let you pick the punishment.
Player>> You should kill him.


At 12:48 PM, Blogger Shiphrah said...

I don't think it's being drunk that puts [GM]Dave in a bad mood. I think it's probably being sober that does that.

At 1:30 PM, Blogger Inia said...

Sadly, the stupidity never ends. I have this genius on Ifrit (spelling and grammar, or lack thereof, are not mine):

well I am realy pissed off over it i do everything i can to play game right and help ppl when i can i go outa my way to suport my party members when in one and i came to find out that ppl dont like my macro's so they saw fit to post it here is that why i dont get invites anymore if so i will go to gm's to complane about it its not fair that i be dammed for useing macro's that some ppl cliam are stupid but so are the ppl who sqammmmm off there casino's in town's

Feeding this idiot to a dragon might make it sick. Oni Carcass maybe?

At 2:38 PM, Blogger Master Dingo said...

I find the irony and particular kind of hypocrisy (word not used akin to the way that 13 year old girls use it in a screeching voice to their moms for not buying them Madonna rubber bracelets ((yes, I took it there)) ) of [GM] Dave refreshing. Someone breaking their contractual obligation to punish someone for breaking their contractual obligation is funny shit in my humble opinion.

At 3:08 PM, Blogger Retsuken said...

[GM]Dave>> Could you please stop talking?
[GM]Dave>> The logic center of my brain just imploded.

ROFL. Geez, where do you find these stupid people..? Most of the people I talk to ingame are fairly smart, but damn. The GM armor must have a built-in Stupid Radar that detects mentally-challenged players within a 5 server radius or something. That's the only logical way I can explain it.

Square should seriously consider implementing a mandatory IQ-test to people when they create a character. Those who score under 100 they get sent to the worst possible hell ever.

World of Warcraft.

You can't possibly come up with a worse punishment than that.

At 4:30 PM, Blogger Fircefairy said...

LOL That was GREAT!! I work my ass off for Gil and armor! People that BUY gil are as bad or worse than people that sell it!To call a GM and TELL them you buy gil is so incredibly stupid as to be describes this way...
*Help me! I am so stupid..I am no longer treading water I need a four foot snorkle!*
~gurrgle gurrgle~

At 4:34 PM, Blogger Fircefairy said...


At 5:37 AM, Blogger Kayen_Remora said...

lol @ GM Dave hes some stupid mean guy/girl that likes to brag alot,
WTF he think he is cool by doing that shit to ppl that does GM calls?

And no wonder all those GM calls seems all Bullshit, fakes... invented by him.. they are all lame filled with bragging
and you guys that still kiss his ass

Kayen Remora

At 10:24 AM, Blogger Alerith said...

[GM]Dave>> Could you please stop talking?
[GM]Dave>> The logic center of my brain just imploded.

Cant stop laughing......starting to...cry... hahahahahaha

At 12:46 PM, Blogger Kaedetsuka said...

:O that good job !

lol he tell a GM and say he bough
a gil in a website xD


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