Bannable Offenses

And the Awards Roll On

Here we are on the last day of Awards week.

At least, I think it will be the last day.

Honestly, though, I could award a new stupidity award each and every day.

Sometimes, twice a day.

Usually, to the same people.

We must, however, end this edition of the Stupid Awards so that I can get back to my regular routine of killing botters and feeding dragons.

Actually having to read GM calls to find nominees is starting to bother me.

I'd rather get back to my old system: ban them all and let WoW sort them out.

On to the award...

Today's award goes out to the lowest of the low, the dumbest of the dumb, the most incredibly stupid playerset to ever inhabit the virtual realm.

This group is so incredibly stupid that simple banning does not seem ample enough.

You almost want to fly to their homes and beat them with a copy of the ToS.

Alas, if only airfare were cheaper.

How people in this group remember to breathe still mystifies me. Their sheer, rampant stupidity trails behind them in a wake from which no player is safe.

Luckily, these drooling simpletons often find their way to me.

Like lambs to the slaughter.

It actually does remind me of the time I spent working at a slaughterhouse.

I learned how to use a hammer.

The mindless cattle just walk blindly onto the killing floor, completely unaware that they are walking themselves to their own destruction.

Today's award was saved for these people because they have reached the pinnacle, penultimate level of stupidity.

The award for the most absolutely retarded player goes to the...

"I'm actively going to confess to a crime" guy.

This person is so monumentally stupid that they not only make an unnecessary GM call, but they make one and confess that they broke the rules.

I mean, how stupid can you be?

All high and mighty, these players will call us up to complain about someone breaking the rules and then explain that they did the same thing.

Or worse.

Just this morning, I got the call of calls.

He might as well have just said "give me a trophy for being retarded."

GM Call Description: Player stole money from me.

The first thing I thought was "not another of these idiots."

But then I realized that this call might give me a new nominee for the award of the day.

Little did I know how right I was.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> So, I hear you got robbed.
Player>> Yeah. They stole my money.
[GM]Dave>> Hence, the use of the word robbed.
[GM]Dave>> I could also have said "Apparently, you're retarded."
Player>> Shut up.
Player>> I'm not retarded.
[GM]Dave>> Then how did they "steal" from you, genius?
[GM]Dave>> Did they haxor ur account?
Player>> No, no, no.
Player>> They didn't give me the money they promised me.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> That's not stealing.
[GM]Dave>> That's someone not giving you money.
Player>> But they have to.
[GM]Dave>> No. No, they don't.
[GM]Dave>> They don't have to do anything.
Player>> Yes, they do.
[GM]Dave>> And why exactly is that?
Player>> Because I paid for the gil, you idiot.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Could you say that again?
Player>> I paid for the gil and they were supposed to send it.
Player>> That's what the website said.

Someone up there must either really like me or really hate him.

Given his IQ (and my penchant for random acts of evil), I'm assuming they hate him.

[GM]Dave>> So let me get this straight.
[GM]Dave>> You bought gil from a website.
Player>> Yup.
[GM]Dave>> Using real money.
Player>> Well, a credit card, but yeah.
[GM]Dave>> They didn't send you the gil.
Player>> That's right.
[GM]Dave>> And so you called me.
Player>> Yup.
[GM]Dave>> To get back the gil you paid for.
Player>> Exactly.
[GM]Dave>> Am I on Candid Camera?
Player>> What?
Player>> What do you mean?
[GM]Dave>> This is a joke, right?
[GM]Dave>> You can't possibly be that retarded.
Player>> Stop calling me retarded!
[GM]Dave>> You stop acting retarded!
[GM]Dave>> If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck...
[GM]Dave>> You're probably retarded.
Player>> I am not retarded!
[GM]Dave>> Why do the retards keep saying that?
[GM]Dave>> It's getting annoying.
Player>> Just get my gil back.
[GM]Dave>> Right away, sir.
[GM]Dave>> Can I get you anything else today?
[GM]Dave>> Would you like a unicorn as well?
Player>> I just want my gil.
Player>> I bought it. It's mine.
[GM]Dave>> Seriously.
[GM]Dave>> Is this a joke?
Player>> IT'S NOT A JOKE!!!
[GM]Dave>> It's pretty funny either way.
[GM]Dave>> I'm just wondering if I'm laughing with you...
[GM]Dave>> Or at you.
Player>> DO YOUR JOB!
[GM]Dave>> Yup.
[GM]Dave>> Definitely at you.
Player>> I WANT MY GIL!!!
[GM]Dave>> Tell you what.
[GM]Dave>> I'll punish the idiot who did something wrong, ok?
Player>> That's better.
[GM]Dave>> And I'll let you pick the punishment.
Player>> You should kill him.
[GM]Dave>> That's a good start.
[GM]Dave>> Anything else?
Player>> There's some crazy GM who feeds people to dragons.
[GM]Dave>> Really?
[GM]Dave>> I haven't heard about that.
Player>> Could you do that to him?
[GM]Dave>> That can be arranged.
[GM]Dave>> Do you want me to ban him as well?
Player>> Sure.
Player>> Damn gilsellers deserve it.
[GM]Dave>> Could you please stop talking?
[GM]Dave>> The logic center of my brain just imploded.
Player>> Uhh...
Player>> Sure.
[GM]Dave>> So fed to a dragon and banned?
Player>> That's perfect.
[GM]Dave>> I couldn't agree more.

*warp*

Player>> Umm...
Player>> Where are we?
[GM]Dave>> I figured you'd want to see the retard die.
Player>> Awesome.
Player>> Where is he?
[GM]Dave>> Oh, he's nearby.

Jormungand hits Player for 10,114 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.
Player falls to level 49.

Player>> WTF?!!!
[GM]Dave>> What?
Player>> I DIED!!!
[GM]Dave>> Well aren't you observant?
[GM]Dave>> Did you want a cookie?
Player>> Why did I die?
[GM]Dave>> I'm no expert...
[GM]Dave>> But I think it was getting eaten by a dragon.
Player>> Why?!!!
[GM]Dave>> I'm not a doctor.
Player>> This is ridiculous!!!
[GM]Dave>> Then you'll find this part hilarious.

*BANNED*

What would cause a person to become so incredibly stupid that they would actively find a GM and then confess breaking the ToS?

I mean, there's honesty and then there's retardedness.

Luckily, these players also go out of their way to get banned from the game.

It's like watching lemmings jump off a cliff.

Sp, because these morons manage to create a new dimension of stupidity, I am only too happy to award them with the 2006 Stupidity Achievement award.

I'm sure it'll be hard to appreciate a trophy with their head that far up their ass, but it's the thought that counts.

posted by Goblin Smithy @ 6:43 AM