Sunday, May 07, 2006

And the Awards Continue...

Don't worry. These awards can't go on for ever.

I mean, it's not like there's an unlimited supply of stupidity amongst FFXI players, right?


Besides, these awards are only for those players or groups that manage to achieve new levels of stupidity.

To these intrepid explorers of the vast wasteland that is retardation, I say "we salute you".

Also, the trophies are fairly shiny, so they should distract you for a few hours and give some of us a little peace.

This brings us to tonight's award.

This winner was inevitable. Truly, these players have been working tirelessly to redefine the phrase "re-freaking-tarded" and take it to new heights.

Or lows.

Probably lows.

These pioneers truly deserve this award for their long hours making each and every one of us glad that we are not as stupid as them.

Or a bullet.

Probably a bullet.

Tonight's award goes to the...

"I'm going to tell you how to do your own job" guy.


That guy.

You're in the middle of a party when suddenly someone starts telling you that they know how to do your job better than you.

As if you give a sweet damn what they think.

But no. He played the job this one time with this guy and this guy said he was, like, totally awesome, so now he's an expert on the job.

And such an expert that he feels completely comfortable telling you that you can't do your own job and wants to "help" you.

I mean, seriously. Where do these people get the idea that they can tell you how to do your own damned job?

I don't walk into McDonald's and slap the spatula out of his hand just because I cooked a burger once, do I?

Now, before you think I'd take someone down just for offering advice, let me clarify.

I would completely do that.

But this trophy goes to the people who just get plain rude about it. The people who trash talk and insult other players for no reason.

That's my job.

Now, I'd love to tell you that I got a GM call about this today.

But I didn't.

Oh, no.

It seems stupidity has taken on a mind of its own and is now actively tracking me down.

I was in a party earlier today, leveling my Red Mage on my main character, when the Ranger starts telling me how I should be playing.

I'd imagine the GM call would look like this:

GM Call Description: Could you please come kill me with my own face?


GM Call Description: I'm trying to break the record for fastest character deletion. Could you help?

I guess it was just fate that brought this player to me.

Fate or cruel irony.

Ranger>> You're not refreshing fast enough.
Dave>> Excuse me?
Ranger>> I have a level 57 Red Mage, so I know.
Dave>> Wow. I'm very impressed.
Dave>> Could you shut the hell up now?
Ranger>> You're a terrible Red Mage.
Ranger>> You're not refreshing the DRK.
Dave>> The DRK who hasn't cast any spells yet?
Ranger>> You just don't get it.
Ranger>> You're such a n00b.
Dave>> Is it hard to play Ranger?
Dave>> I mean with drool on the keyboard.
Ranger>> Listen, I'm just trying to help.

Why do they always say that?

If you were trying to help, you'd make the comment and then shut up. That's what good people do.

This is not a good person. This is a bad person.

And bad people are only good for one thing: dragon food.

Dave>> Do you guys mind if I log for a min?
Paladin>> No, it's cool.
WhiteMage>> We'll wait.
Ranger>> We can go on without him.
Ranger>> He's barely helping.
Dave>> ...
Dave>> I'll be right back.

*hops into nearest phone booth*

[GM]Dave>> Hello there, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> Apparently, you don't like having an account.
Ranger>> I didn't call for a GM.
[GM]Dave>> Oh, I know.
[GM]Dave>> It's a new proactive service we're trying out.
Ranger>> Okay.
Ranger>> That's cool, I guess.
[GM]Dave>> We're saving time by banning stupid people.
[GM]Dave>> People so stupid they may be a danger to others.
Ranger>> What do you need me for?
[GM]Dave>> People so stupid they don't get the point.
Ranger>> Do you mean me?
[GM]Dave>> And there it is.
[GM]Dave>> Welcome to understanding.
Ranger>> But I'm not stupid.
[GM]Dave>> Dammit.
[GM]Dave>> We were making such good progress.
Ranger>> You're not allowed to talk to players like that.
Ranger>> You need to be polite.
[GM]Dave>> Are you trying to tell me how to do my job?
Ranger>> Yes.
[GM]Dave>> Let me guess.
[GM]Dave>> You have a level 57 GM, too.
Ranger>> Uhh...
[GM]Dave>> Oh wait...
[GM]Dave>> You're not a GM.
[GM]Dave>> So don't tell me how to do my job!
Ranger>> I was just trying to help.
[GM]Dave>> How about I help you?


[GM]Dave>> This is a lesson in common etiquette.
[GM]Dave>> Try to pay attention.

Jormungand hits Ranger for 12,742 points of damage.
Ranger was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> People really hate that.
[GM]Dave>> By the way...
[GM]Dave>> Jormungand says you make terrible food.

For future reference, you are not the best person to ever play a job. You're not. Deal with it.

I don't think I'm the best GM ever.

I am, but I don't think it.

If you're going to make a comment, be nice about it. If you can't say anything nice, you could get eaten by a dragon.

To those people who are willing to put their characters at risk just to give advice that noone asked for, wanted, nor even listened to:

We salute you.

Now, shut the hell up.


At 8:09 PM, Blogger Dread said...

Your God, you should have your own religion! I know I would pay tithe!

At 8:31 PM, Blogger ClamS said...

[GM]Dave... I wonder if I can /sea all you... lol... but seriously, awesomeness. IT IS TOO TRUE! w00t!

At 8:37 PM, Blogger dickkead said...

Sorry but, you spelled forever wrong...

At 8:44 PM, Blogger Fircefairy said...

LOl I get 2 things in the game...asked for help and asked what a THF should wear! Actually to be honest I get asked for gil and armor and...nevermind.
Too much to name..but I am a sucker...(don't any of you look me up!) I help often and am owed close to 30 mil in gil ~blush~
However anyone that has ever played with me knows that I know any job I play....every player should be given the courtesy of seeing how they function in a job.
Some play better than others..I think I SUCK as a mage...but am often told I do put faith in your accomplishments,and do not lean too heavily on the biased opinion of others.It is YOUR game...your choice of what you like. I think liking a job is the key to being sucessful at it.
Do not depend to heavily on forums for your guide...try out your abilities..see what works,observe others that do a good job....and ignore people that insult you...after should have enough confidence in yourself to explore a new job and SEE if you are good/like it.(my 2 cents)

At 8:45 PM, Blogger dickkead said...

P.S. With my comment, I was only trying to help...

At 9:08 PM, Blogger leonoxx said...

on that note firce, we should get a "well its MY 12.95 a month..." post here... I could see something fun occurring there ^_^

At 9:22 PM, Blogger Laucion said...

I can't even try to remember how many times certain people have attempted to force their way of playing onto either me or a member of the party I'm currently in. These people need to learn to 1. Get a life 2. Get over themselves, and most importantly 3. Learn that not all players like to get deconstructive criticism.

Ok end rant. Wonderfully played by the way [GM]Dave.

At 9:54 PM, Blogger Feba said...

Gotta love the message moderation system. Speaking of comments, I got one on Japanese on my blog o_O

Anyway, yep, I hate them. Espcially after I play BLM for 60 levels, and have learned to know where the hate line is, and they tell me how to nuke.

I know where the hate line is. I just enjoy crossing it.

At 10:48 PM, Blogger weary samurai said...

"I don't think I'm the best GM ever.

I am, but I don't think it."

damn, you are the man. bra-fuckin-vo

At 11:22 PM, Blogger Stephy said...

I don't know which is funnier, your stories or these comments.

Thank you for brightening my day.

At 11:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Someone made a blogspace name just to harass us with bad punctuation and grammer.


My favorite part:
[GM]Dave>> Are you trying to tell me how to do my job?
Ranger>> Yes.


At 11:36 PM, Blogger Lishje said...

You are my God!

Stupid people make Lishje go..Something...something...

At 11:46 PM, Blogger Hutea said...

we should get a "well its MY 12.95 a month..." post here...

{Yes, please.}

as to the falsehood that is the all caps idiot..have you ever heard of punctuation, grammar, and the caps lock key? No? Then this is what you do.

1. Put your computer back in the box it came in.

2. Take it back to the store you bought it from, making sure that you don't drool on the steering wheel. That can get messy and make the steering wheel most difficult to keep hold of.

3. Park the car, turn the car off, open the door, grab your keys and get out of the car - remember to lock it. We wouldn't want that nice sound system of yours to be stolen - and I do hope you put insulation in the trunk, otherwise, it sounds like crap.

4. Walk to the store, open the door, and walk inside. Walk to the customer service desk.

5. When someone asks if they can help you, tell them you have an "Eye-Dee-Ten-Tee" error and you'd like to return the P.O.S. computer you have. They'll take it from there.

Have a nice day.

At 2:23 AM, Blogger Aylee said...


I have a feeling you were watching me play today, because the exact same situation happened to me. Just before I read your blog. There I was, playing my BLM, when I was rudely told by another party member 'This is how you SC, this is how you cast elemental enfeebles, this is how you..'

I got booted shortly afterwards for failing to comply. At level 61, one would assume I know the basicly of my own job.

What I had done is calculate that I was being hintered by Magic Bursts.. yes, hindered. They wern't announcing them before they did SC's, just one went off then the other (they were watching eachother's animations). Being on stun duty, it was hard to grab my MB macro in time and when I managed it with much stress, my MB didn't do much damage at all (water or blizzard on a water based mob). 210 damage about. My stone did about 500 damage native. In order to reduce stress, (and I announced this) I let the SMN handle the MB with his more powerful Blizzard line of spells and concentrated on Shock/Choke, Stun, and a steady supply of nukes for more damage per minute then possible before.

Still, I comprimised, tried his system. Mobs took nearly three times as long to kill cause I was overburdened with what I had to do and my spells were ineffective (I had to wait for the SC in order not to miss it). When I saw exp per hour was vastly going down, I stopped doing it.

I was then told again and again how to do my job, then booted.

Hmm.. I'm ranting. Anyhow, funny post. Thank you alot, I read you EVERY day. You are amazing, kinda a Harry Harrison style of writing mixed with a neat, happy manic depressive. ^^

At 2:33 AM, Blogger Pascal said...

oh well... i thought FFXI was boring anyway... i know what to do if i need an excuse to delete my char now :)

At 2:56 AM, Blogger DarkArius said...

Dave, Ruler of All, whatever it is you call yourself...

I'm going to start out by saying that you sir, have a knack for this blog gig. And when I say that, I mean your writing style and blatant harrasment is a true testament of hilarity. That said, and this being my first post (though I have read all of your material blogged), I am noticing a difference in your writing style from your first blogs. 1. they are getting quicker paced and more to the point
but 2. being that they are moving towards this idea that you aren't going to write them forever... or as long as it is that you remain sane enough (read: more whiskey please!) to write them...

Now I must be honest, I am not going to be the first to "donate" to your cause because even though I respect the way you receive it, I AM a poor college student... but I believe with or without donations, your skills as a writer should not be propelled towards ending this blog, and perhaps even a book... If you are even remotely interested in this, look me up and send me an email, I am a business major, and I mean business when I say... you have talent...


At 4:16 AM, Blogger Wickerbasket said...

I did this the other day, but in complete fairness the ranger refused to use a Long Bow because "They were shit".

He had a bad crossbow too... wanted to tear his eyes out. He then shouted at me when I provoked a Mandy that was stood next to our camp because "It was his job to pull."

I'm probably guilty of telling people what to do a little too much, but sometimes they ask for it :P

And Dave? As I have written a blog I think you should maybe personalize it a little more, you know? Prettier fonts, dragon background.

I'm only trying to help.

At 4:21 AM, Blogger Bellemithra said...

I agree with you 110%! You are awesome [GM]Dave!

At 5:02 AM, Blogger Dantaro said...

"I don't think I'm the best GM ever.

I am, but I don't think it."

Haha! Classic!

At 5:48 AM, Blogger Kage said...

Very well handled, but, I suggest some variety. After all, dragons are only funny for so long.

Besides, haven't these people heard of "playing my own way?" I mean, people might not WANT what they think is the best thing for that character. They just want to play to have fun and have their own style. If you care so much about having good characters on a game, you need a life. Seriously. Go out, get trashed, have fun, do some pot, make babies, whatever is going to keep you away from that keyboard, because God knows you need the break.

At 6:47 AM, Blogger [GM]Dave said...

For every person that says the dragon bit is overused, I have 100 people yelling "MORE DRAGONS!"

And honestly, feeding people to dragons is much faster than doing paperwork.

At 6:48 AM, Blogger Fircefairy said...

As to the BLM comment,I play i the same way you do! I enfeeb and try to watch SC for MB.I have 2 spells macrod in for enfeebs 4 spells go off one after the next.
If I miss a SC I am angry with myself,but it isn't the end of the world,I politely request the players to make a macro for announcing when they are going to SC,establish in the begining which SC it will be and what spell they would like me to cast.My job as BLM is to help enfeeb,MB,and then nuke...but to dance on the edge of getting hate.That is the way I play BLM...and as stated earlier I think I SUCK at mage>.> It is funny however that I get invited to Mage parties...while I am on 72 MNK,or 75 THF...~shrugs~ Maybe they just want to stare at a Mithra in cute clothes?

At 6:48 AM, Blogger Thistle said...

Oh man, thanks for giving this award! *Everyone* has RDM leveled and it seems everyone wants to "help" you get better at it. I get "helped" more on RDM than on any other job. Sheesh.

At 7:39 AM, Blogger Rogue said...

OMG!!!! You are to freaking funny!!! I havent laughed that hard in my life!! You should be rewarded for what you do, But I being a GM has its own rewards. Keep up the good work and stop being so nice to them noobs. bwahahahaha take care man.

At 9:15 AM, Blogger Kage said...


I agree, dragons are much quicker than paperwork. And much more fun. And, lets not forget gory.

But, always the same dragon? Keep in mind you're getting new fans all the time. They're all going to love the dragon for the first five or six million times. But eventually, I think you should just eat them instead of the dragon. Saves tons on grocery bills.

At 9:37 AM, Blogger Aretha said...

pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease, tell me your main is on garuda, i want to find you out and spam you with (/kneel) XD

At 11:43 AM, Blogger Music-chan said...

Oh. My. God. I hate people like that. Every MMO EVERYWHERE has those people and they need to SHUT THE HELL UP. The last thing I need on a healing-type character is to have the tank tell me how the hell to heal! and vice versa

/end rant

At 12:29 PM, Blogger Myloko said...

/bow Thanks for making me get a blogger account just to share my views with you Dave! I know you must be THRILLED but whatever ;p

I think the WORST know-it-all comments on FFXI always go towards the poor Black Mages. Like cmon, our job isn't easy and I admit I have made a few "helpful" comments before, but the person ASKED me for help because they were new at their job...but then there are others who can't respect that someone has been playing a certain job for 2 FREAKIN' YEARS and STILL think that:
A) They're better than everyone and know everything and need to be shot in the head.
B) If you don't do anything THEIR way then it's automatically wrong.

I HATE people who can't spell...sure, maybe if they're 12 and retarded, i'll give em a break. But for the love of God and Dave, there should be a rule that ALL FREAKIN RETARDS WHO SLEPT THROUGH GRAMMAR CLASS IN GRADE 2 SHOULD BE MADE TO GO BACK AND GET A FRIGGIN GRAMMAR DIPLOMA! Nothing pisses me off more than a retard trying to prove me wrong WHO CAN'T EVEN SPELL HIS OWN INSULTS RIGHT! XD

At 3:57 PM, Blogger Deathclaw said...

Hello fellow FFXI players, and onlookers of the blog.

I'd personally like to say, Dave, your blog is simply amazing. But sadly, I must move onto a more pressing matter.

To the earlier person who posted; Myloko. I would love to point out a few things.

1. As far as I know, there are no grammar classes in grade 2. Yes, grammar is taught in grade 2. But to my knowledge, there are no classes specifically devoted to grammar, such as in middle school, and high school, you have classes devoted so subjects, such as "Math", "English", "History", and so forth.

2. Secondly, I would like to point out, there are no such things as Grade 2 Spelling Diplomas. Don't believe me?

3. "i'll give" Sorry to tell you, master of the English Language, but "I'll" has a capital in it, because whenever you are using "I", in the sense that you are talking about yourself, it's capitalized.

4. " Like cmon" Sorry once again, but you know, the English language has something called an apostrophe. Now, "C'mon" isn't even a real word, but assuming you were going to use it, you would put an apostrophe in front of the two letters; showing that you are combining two words together.

5. "but whatever ;p" [Period] [Do you have it?]

6. Please stop using BLM/SMN, you're making children cry.

Anyway, that is my rant for this evening, I bid you adieux.

At 4:15 PM, Blogger Myloko said...

To my buddy Deathclaw:

1) There ARE grammar classes in our province...maybe because we can actually AFFORD them.

2) We had spelling diplomas in my grade 2 class o_O

3) "I" is only capitalized if it is standing alone in a sentance or starts a sentance. "i'll" is an acceptable use of grammar.

4) "Like cmon" is acceptable internet slang, which is what we happen to be posting on.

5) An emoticon is an acceptable end to a sentance on the internet.

6) White Mage can kiss my ass because i'll never level it nor will I ever sub it. Also, you're the only child that I know and I have yet to see you cry about it.

At 4:36 PM, Blogger Deathclaw said...

"sentance"...? Oh, you must mean sentEnce. You know, the correct way to spell it.

"i'll" with a lower case letter is in no way acceptable, because it's a combination of "I" "Will"; and as such, it is still capitalized. Want proof? Load up Microsoft Word, WordPerfect, whatever other program that has grammar in it; and type it in. Check, and mate, mother fucker.

Another thing, when you put three dots between words, THERE IS A SPACE FOLLOWING IT. Example: "I...don't know." is wrong! It's "I... don't know." See? I, and don't, are ironically, two different words, and as such, deserve a space between the two.

Stop. Defiling. My. Language.

At 6:43 PM, Blogger Myloko said...

Buddy, please go get laid. You're so friggin uptight that you're nitpicking things that normal people wouldn't waste hours on like you do. There were a LOT more people on here that did worse grammatical errors than me. Please, go to your nearest curb, flag down some chick, and do her.

At 8:11 PM, Blogger Shiphrah said...

Kids, chill out. Stop trying to dictate to [GM]Dave what direction to go in with his posts. It's almost like you're trying to *gasp* TELL HIM HIS JOB! >.< Now, I know we don't want that...

We all came to [GM]Dave in the first place because we enjoy his work, right? Let's not try and tell him what to write about. Let's just enjoy what he writes. I'm sure if we all leave him alone and let him write as his moods and experiences so tell him, his stories will continue to be just as good (if not better) as they always have been.


At 8:26 PM, Blogger Weary Paladin said...

Hey GM Dave...could you get a night job at SOE? There are a lot of people that need to be fed on EQ2

At 3:02 AM, Blogger Rez said...

Weary Paladin, it seems like you want his (I'm assuming) already high alcohol level to double? One GM job should be enough.
I've seen my friends make stupid calls and end up in 'jail' so I know that at least half of what [GM]Dave is talking about is fairly common.
We really don't want him building up an immunity to the magical effects of whisky.

At 11:21 AM, Blogger S.Y. said...

Yeah I know the type...

You shouldn't be using provoke so often...
Don't voke off of the pl
I will be casting the enfeebling spells mr Rdm, i am the BLM afterall and I should be doing the damage
You should time your jump better...

word to those kinds of people... you should time your comments better...then when something dangerous comes along, and when you need my job the most... i can blatently ignore i am doing my job of helping rid the game of assholes like you...and making dave's job a little eaysier...

GM Call: We've got a know it all...

At 12:38 AM, Blogger Duodenum said...

Thank you so much for posting this blog...As a WHM I get so many people telling me what I'm not doing right, what they would do, why I should do it the way they do it...And the kicker...they are usually a Galkan mage with maybe 100 mp on their character, at lvl 40. I can't believe I've been doing it wrong for so long. Thank Altana he came along and corrected me over, and over, and over, and over, and...well you get the point.


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