Saturday, February 27, 2010

And Then Susan Got Mad... - Vol. 2

Men, oh you silly, unprepared men, I am going to try and lay down some excellent advice for you.

Know your audience.

Your girlfriend/fiance/wife wants you to know what her most intimate thoughts and feelings are. She wants you to understand her on a fundamental level.

That's not going to happen.

There's no way you can understand women. It's nothing wrong with you or with them. It's just that men and women think very, VERY differently.

What you need to do, as a man, is to try and think about what she would want to do, not what you actually want.

Think really hard.

Really hard.

And then, when you have finally figured out what to do, you're still wrong.

There's no way out of it. It's a trap that you basically have to stick your foot in. You see it sitting on the ground, sharp teeth glinting in the sunlight, and you have to stick your leg out and step right on in.

I present to you: A man's dilemma.

A few weeks before our impending wedding, Susan and I went to a store together. A store that specialized in intimate apparel.

A naughty underwear store.

To call some of the things in this store underwear is being generous. Much of their stock consisted of dental floss with the occasional bow or clip.

Yes, I was very happy.

Then, just as I thought we were going to get to the good stuff, Susan looks at me and says

Susan>> I have a fun idea.
Susan>> I'll pick something and you pick something for me.
Susan>> Then, we'll see if we match.

Warning bells started going off in my mind. No good could come from this.

Susan>> Don't worry.
Susan>> Pick something you like.

Then she walked away, leaving me to debate the situation by myself.

I said DEbate.

Now, there were two basic paths for me to take here:

1) buy something that I would like

2) buy something that I think she would like

I'm not an idiot. I immediately discounted number one. My opinion doesn't actually matter.

But what would she actually like?

Now, that had some creepy stuff in a room in the back. That shit was crossed off the list immediately.

Some of it was very scary. I think there was a hazmat suit back there.

So, I was left deciding between the romantic nightgowns and the very uncomfortable looking lingerie.

My first impulse was to go for the nightgown. That was pretty freaking obvious.

But was it too obvious?

What if that was the trap? What if she wants to wear the interesting stuff, but she wants to see if I'd like that?

I mean we are at a lingerie store. This isn't some sort of coincidence. It's not like we're in the Walmart pajama section or something. The entire store is designed around the concept of naughty underwear.

Plus, that stuff would probably make her feel super attractive. Wearing that stuff would make her feel sexy in a way that no stupid nightgown possibly could.

She'd probably be happy that I picked out something like that.

She'd probably thank me.

I swear to God, that's what I was actually thinking.

Women, men really are this stupid.

I went and carefully selected some very tasteful lingerie (read: four strings attached to a few of postage stamps) and headed off to find my wife.

I had my selection hidden behind my back. So did she.

She smiled. So did I.

Then we showed what we picked out.

I smiled. She didn't.

And what was she holding? That's right. A romantic nightgown.

My wife picked out a very nice, very comfortable looking silk nightgown and I had picked up something that looked like it was fresh off the set of a porn movie.

And then Susan got mad.

Apparently, "pick something you like" translates into "I hope you like hour long lectures about understanding your wife and respecting her feelings".

We didn't even buy anything. We just walked right on out.

Well, she walked right on out and I followed her while apologizing profusely.

Do you know what's fun? A half hour drive listening to your wife go on and on about how she's not your whore.

She used that word a lot.

And the word prostitute.

And Harlot.

I had to look that one up.

It means whore.

She didn't find me pointing out her unnecessary usage of synonyms funny either.

Honestly, I'm kind of surprised she even showed up at the wedding.


At 8:40 PM, Blogger MinorAgentofChaos said...

I'm female, and I'm scratching my head over Susan's reaction. There's times I despair over my gender ever growing up, and stories like that are 90% of the reason.

At 3:26 AM, Blogger Will said...

I have a tactic for thid kind of situation. Just pick either of the two choices, and come with a big smile.
If she likes it, good, if she doesn't, pretend you were joking !

At 5:00 AM, Blogger Pirre said...

Will, if a woman is not pleased, joking will make it only worse.

Dave, I just got into my first relationship, and now you're scaring me D:

Good luck with the lady, lol.

At 10:23 AM, Blogger srlf2006 said...

Aw. Sad face. I guess I'm a mean girl, because I would put my spouse in that situation too. Although I wouldn't get mad at what he picked (to a small extent). [I'm sorry.] ^^;

At 12:42 PM, Blogger T3CHN0PH0B1A said...

Oh Jesus, lmao

At 1:54 PM, Blogger Music-chan said...

Women are kind of raised to have double standards, which is kinda sucky of us but it is what it is. Some women really DO like skimpy underware and get a kick out of wearing it. Some women don't. And some women will try to be as open an honest about it as they can...but others won't. Like, I try to tell my husband what I do and don't like and the reasons for it, and if my feelings for those things might change in the future. We don't fight alot and when we do, it usually about silly things (like rules in D&D), things that don't end up with him or I appologing for an hour.

But we do have a more unusual relationship than most, I think. Just wanted to let guys out there know that there are some women who won't try to double-talk you into oblivion.

At 4:54 PM, Blogger Alex said...

I actually had an argument with my girlfriend after showing her this

thanks dave :(

At 2:10 PM, Blogger Mylinkay Asdara said...

I have advice for Susan here: tell him what you want. Seriously, it works. I used to do things like putting my men through these tests and hoops and jogs to see if they could puzzle me out and make me happy - like a quest for my own satisfaction (and theirs if they "win")

I was miserable.

They were miserable.

Everyone was miserable, and I realized during a period of non-dating (self-imposed) that... it was my fault. That sucked. It was true, but it still sucked.

I figured out: if I tell the guy in my life what I really want, what I think is important, what I think is trivial, what I think is absolutely a deal breaker... they work out so much better. The games are fun, and the mystery is cool, but the happiness trumps both.

At 8:05 PM, Blogger Mil'bereth said...

I'm surprised you EVER have sex, let alone a it adopted?

I mean, my wife is not into the freaky shit...but I don't have to buy her something with diamonds every time I want a bj...


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