And Then Susan Got Mad... - Vol. 2Men, oh you silly, unprepared men, I am going to try and lay down some excellent advice for you.
Know your audience.
Your girlfriend/fiance/wife wants you to know what her most intimate thoughts and feelings are. She wants you to understand her on a fundamental level.
That's not going to happen.
There's no way you can understand women. It's nothing wrong with you or with them. It's just that men and women think very, VERY differently.
What you need to do, as a man, is to try and think about what she would want to do, not what you actually want.
Think really hard.
And then, when you have finally figured out what to do, you're still wrong.
There's no way out of it. It's a trap that you basically have to stick your foot in. You see it sitting on the ground, sharp teeth glinting in the sunlight, and you have to stick your leg out and step right on in.
I present to you: A man's dilemma.
A few weeks before our impending wedding, Susan and I went to a store together. A store that specialized in intimate apparel.
A naughty underwear store.
To call some of the things in this store underwear is being generous. Much of their stock consisted of dental floss with the occasional bow or clip.
Yes, I was very happy.
Then, just as I thought we were going to get to the good stuff, Susan looks at me and says
Susan>> I have a fun idea.
Susan>> I'll pick something and you pick something for me.
Susan>> Then, we'll see if we match.
Warning bells started going off in my mind. No good could come from this.
Susan>> Don't worry.
Susan>> Pick something you like.
Then she walked away, leaving me to debate the situation by myself.
I said DEbate.
Now, there were two basic paths for me to take here:
1) buy something that I would like
2) buy something that I think she would like
I'm not an idiot. I immediately discounted number one. My opinion doesn't actually matter.
But what would she actually like?
Now, that had some creepy stuff in a room in the back. That shit was crossed off the list immediately.
Some of it was very scary. I think there was a hazmat suit back there.
So, I was left deciding between the romantic nightgowns and the very uncomfortable looking lingerie.
My first impulse was to go for the nightgown. That was pretty freaking obvious.
But was it too obvious?
What if that was the trap? What if she wants to wear the interesting stuff, but she wants to see if I'd like that?
I mean we are at a lingerie store. This isn't some sort of coincidence. It's not like we're in the Walmart pajama section or something. The entire store is designed around the concept of naughty underwear.
Plus, that stuff would probably make her feel super attractive. Wearing that stuff would make her feel sexy in a way that no stupid nightgown possibly could.
She'd probably be happy that I picked out something like that.
She'd probably thank me.
I swear to God, that's what I was actually thinking.
Women, men really are this stupid.
I went and carefully selected some very tasteful lingerie (read: four strings attached to a few of postage stamps) and headed off to find my wife.
I had my selection hidden behind my back. So did she.
She smiled. So did I.
Then we showed what we picked out.
I smiled. She didn't.
And what was she holding? That's right. A romantic nightgown.
My wife picked out a very nice, very comfortable looking silk nightgown and I had picked up something that looked like it was fresh off the set of a porn movie.
And then Susan got mad.
Apparently, "pick something you like" translates into "I hope you like hour long lectures about understanding your wife and respecting her feelings".
We didn't even buy anything. We just walked right on out.
Well, she walked right on out and I followed her while apologizing profusely.
Do you know what's fun? A half hour drive listening to your wife go on and on about how she's not your whore.
She used that word a lot.
And the word prostitute.
I had to look that one up.
It means whore.
She didn't find me pointing out her unnecessary usage of synonyms funny either.
Honestly, I'm kind of surprised she even showed up at the wedding.