Saturday, February 20, 2010

HELP!

Alternate Title: Or Kill Me... Whatever.

You have no doubt been wondering where I have been the last few days. Every time you hit refresh and see no new post has been put up, you die a little inside and wonder how your Dave could have forsaken you.

Oh, if only it was just me being an asshole. That would be MUCH better.

No, for you see, my dear reader, I have been spending the past five days straight playing nursemaid to my wife and single parent to our daughter.

It seems at some point in the recent past, my wife's wisdom teeth decided to start some shit. Apparently, there was some political upheaval in her mouth area and a small band of teeth made the decision to leave.

A few weeks and a bunch of money later, a dentist was removing said trouble-making teeth in a procedure I cannot help but picture as yanking with pliers while he steps on my wife's face.

That shouldn't make me laugh.

Shouldn't.

Sure, I suggest she get some work done (a nip here and a tuck there, maybe some giant, monster-size, almost comical breast implants) and I'm a jerk, but she can have elective surgery to remove teeth just to relieve agonizing pain.

Some people are so selfish.

The aftermath of this procedure is that she has been in bed for the better part of a week while I'm left running shit.

I'm not good at this.

This is not my forte.

See, I'm more of a handle errands and follow directions kind of guy. I'm not a caregiver, I'm a caretaker.

Or a "I don't give a sweet f&%@"er.

Being in charge of not one, but two lives is more than I can handle. I should not be left with this kind of responsibility.

Or any responsibility.

Ever.

I had a goldfish once.

It died.

Apparently, they do not enjoy going for walks as much as other pets.

Yeah.

The problem is that I am not built for this kind of work. I am a man and, as a man, I have developed the understanding that my role is just to keep myself alive.

Let me explain this in terms of FFXI.

I have asked someone to translate this into WoW terms for the FFXI-impaired.

When I first logged in, I decided to play as MAN. It seemed like a good class for my personality. Low maintenance with great meleeing ability.

(When I created my character, I decided to roll a ShaMAN. It seemed like a good class for my personality. Low maintenance with good all around healing or dps skills)

Once I'd leveled past 20, I decided to level a new job and use MAN as my sub. MAN seemed to be the preferred sub for BFD (Boyfriend), so I went with that. BFD/MAN. I learned to handle new job abilities, while maintaining the traits of MAN.

(Once I leveled past 20, I decided on the BOYFRIEND spec. BOYFRIEND seemed to be the preferred spec for ShaMANs, so I went with that. BOYFRIEND spec ShaMAN. I spent my talent points in the BOYFRIEND talent tree, learning new skills, while maintaining my role as ShaMAN)

Side note: I never realize what a strange word BOYFRIEND was until I actually wrote it out and looked at it. The word no longer makes sense to me.

(Wait... Am I supposed to translate the side note, too? You never explained that part when you sent me the e-mail. Could you clarify so I can fix it? I don't want to look like an idiot.)

After a while spent leveling as BFD/MAN, I did the quest to unlock the advanced job HUB (Husband). It wasn't a particularly hard quest. All you have to do is spend all your gil on a Rare ring and then trade it to another player.

(After a while spent leveling a BOYFRIEND spec ShaMAN, I did the class quest to unlock the HUSBAND ability. It wasn't a particular hard quest. All you have to do is spend all of your gold on a Bind on Equip ring and trade it to another player)

I should have really put more thought into this analogy before I started.

(Yeah, probably)

Eventually, I found this GREAT quest to unlock a new advanced job, DAD. I'll spare you the details, but it involves taking a special polearm to a cave. Yes, the quest is repeatable. The best part is that it's a pet job, so you get a new pet out of the deal.

(Eventually, I found this GREAT quest to unlock a new... Are you seriously comparing your daughter to a pet? We're doing this now? ... Okay, whatever. I spent some talent point to get the FATHER ability. The best part is that it came with a companion pet, so you get a new pet out of the deal)

Generally speaking, you usually wouldn't use an advanced job as a sub, but DAD/HUB is a much better and much more practical combo than DAD/MAN. Yeah, you can play DAD/MAN quite well, but DAD/HUB is generally more acceptable.

(This doesn't really translate well into WoW. Uh... Generally speaking, you wouldn't spend your talent points in a different skill tree... Yeah, I've got nothing)

I have never wanted to unlock the MOM job. Nothing about the job is appealing to me. Sure, some people find it to be an amazing, fulfilling job, but frankly, it looks like a lot of damned work. Constantly with the healing and refreshing all of your party members. Not my style.

(I have never wanted to spend any points in the MOTHER talent tree. None of the talents in that tree appeal to me. Sure, some people find it to be a great spec, but frankly, it looks like a lot of damned work. Constantly with the healing and buffing all of your party members. Not my style)

Unfortunately, due to recent events, I was forced to unlock the MOM job and sub it to my DAD. DAD/MOM is not a combo I really feel comfortable playing. The two abilities of both classes don't work well together. The MOM class's buffing and maintenance abilities don't really help out with my DAD role of lying around and playing video games.

(Unfortunately, due to recent events, I was forced to spend some talent points in the MOTHER talent tree. I don't really feel comfortable with these new abilities because they don't really work well with my spec. The MOTHER abilities for buffing and healing don't really help out with my ShaMAN DPS.)

So, I have spent the past week basically playing MOM, a job I never signed up for, while Susan sits in bed all day doing nothing.

(Are you really sure you want to say that? What if Susan reads it? She's going to kill you)

I suppose it could have been a worse week. At least I wasn't suck playing some stupid game where you get exp for just finding towers and shit out in the middle of nowhere. Wow, you found a big rock. Here's some exp for you. Boom, you're level 80.

(That's not funny)

I'm really hoping Susan feels better soon. VERY soon. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

In closing, WoW sucks.

(In closing, screw you, Dave)

15 Comments:

At 4:03 PM, Blogger Christopher said...

That was great. I hope Susan gets well soon though.

 
At 6:52 PM, Blogger Bufuman said...

Nice to know that the lack of updates weren't caused by you being an asshole, Dave.

Mostly because it would've been confusing, since that had never caused us readers problems before. =P

The weirdest part about the quest to unlock DAD is that you don't always get the reward. There's a rather popular armor that almost always prevents you from getting the reward. Must be a glitch.

I do like that quest though. You just have to be careful not to take a wrong turn with the polearm, or you'll get kicked by the server.

Literally.

 
At 7:10 PM, Blogger Blake said...

Best repeatable quest ever. Sooo much exp. <3

 
At 8:19 PM, Blogger Fulluphigh said...

Best post in a long, long time. Which is to say, that was epic lulz.

 
At 8:19 PM, Blogger J. Scarper said...

Polearm to a cave, oh yeah.

 
At 9:00 PM, Blogger Soren said...

Bufuman, that was epic xD

Awesome post, Dave. Hope she gets better soon, DAD/MOM sucks!

 
At 9:25 PM, Blogger Alan said...

One of your best posts so far. Good laugh.

 
At 5:17 AM, Blogger Salt said...

(Eventually, I found this GREAT quest to unlock a new... Are you seriously comparing your daughter to a pet? We're doing this now? ... Okay, whatever. I spent some talent point to get the FATHER ability. The best part is that it came with a companion pet, so you get a new pet out of the deal)

http://www.wowhead.com/?spell=51533

?

 
At 9:35 PM, Blogger golden_knyte said...

nice anology, Dave. Hope Susan gets well soon. hmmm, wonder how a dragoon anology would work..

 
At 10:07 PM, Blogger Kiwi said...

Salt... I really don't think kids could be compared to Spirit wolves. Heh.. maybe http://www.wowhead.com/?item=45022 ???

*grins*

Hope Susan gets well soon, Dave.

 
At 10:20 PM, Blogger Hunter said...

I hope Susan gets better soon, but it's nice to know that in the meantime we get a great post! I love the translation!

 
At 11:31 AM, Blogger Brett said...

Something for the fellow WoW readers. /clap

I would love to see this in an FFXI auto-translate format.

Side note: I am ashamed I not only get those references in the side notes but could actually embellish them.

 
At 2:37 PM, Blogger Mil'bereth said...

DAD/MOM = DRK/PLD?

 
At 8:08 PM, Blogger Z said...

That was awesome. Because WoW does suck. Hope Susan feels better soon.

In other recent events...
Does [GM]Dave = [XBL]The Pro?

 
At 8:56 PM, Blogger Eddie said...

What an awesome post, Dave! I get concerned with your wife because my wife also experienced that also a few months ago. At first, she didn't want to go to a dentist because she might feel a lot of pain there, but every time I see her suffer, it just makes me suffer more. That's why we went to Atlanta cosmetic dentists and thankfully here in Atlanta, dental implants are really great and they also did other dental procedures on her. Now, she feels better, and I've felt more relieved because of that.

 

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