Bannable Offenses

And Then Susan Got Mad... - Vol. 1

Oh where do I begin?

The chosen theme of this week's posts is "The Times I Made Susan Angry."

How I'm going to pick out just seven of the many, many, MANY times this has happened, I have no idea. I have enough material for a theme month.

Or year.

Since I was not given any sort of criteria by which to organize the type of angry involved, I thought we'd go with a random sampler of the logical/stupid things I've done that have ultimately made my wife angry.

Part 1: Listening To Her

Women are interesting things. While they may be from the same area you are from, raised in the same culture as you, taught the same language as you, and even have spoken to you in your own language quite fluently, they speak in an entirely different language.

It is a subtle language where meanings of words are not based on actual definitions, but by subtle undertones that you should be able to pick out. Often, these meanings will completely contradict the meaning of the words themselves.

Here's a hint: If you think you know what a woman is saying, you're wrong.

See, women have this built-in system of saying things that are not true, but are designed to test your ability to figure out what they actually mean.

"I don't care" means "I've given you the choice, but I'm going to tell you you're wrong when you make it"

This is very interesting as it is completely the opposite of how a guy's brain works. If a guy says something, it means it is immediately true. There are no subtle undertones or meanings that have to be ascertained. Just take it at face value.

"I don't care" means "I don't really give a shit either way. Whatever."

This difference in communication can often lead to problems.

This brings us to Valentine's Day last year. Money was a little tight and as the day approached, I asked Susan what kind of budget I was working under.

She said, and I quote, "Oh, you don't have to get me anything. I don't want anything."

We agreed not to get each other anything for Valentine's Day.

Something should have gone off in my head. A buzzer, a bell. Some sort of early warning system. My years of dealing with women should have told me this was a trap.

Nothing.

Not so much as a doubt in my mind that that is what she meant.

See, if I had said "I don't want anything", it would mean that I really don't want anything. If I wanted something I would answer "I would like [insert thing/game/sexual favor here]".

We are a simple people.

So, when she said that, I took it at face value. She didn't want anything. I wouldn't buy anything.

And then Susan got mad...

Valentine's Day rolls around and I noticed my wife was acting a little strange. You could tell she was kind of waiting for something.

I, being a loving husband, asked her what was wrong.

"So... What'd you get me for Valentine's Day?"

If a man's heart can go from resting to five hundred beats a second, then I am proof of it. I went from being in a generally pleasant mood to suddenly fearing for my life.

Kind of like a cow. I was having a perfectly nice day out in the field when the farmer walks up and says he wants to show me his new hammer.

Bam!

The correct response was "Oh, I left it at the office. Let me go get it."

I know this because the incorrect response was "You told me not to get you anything."

Two guesses which one I said.

Hint: This is not Susan ALMOST Got Mad week.

I should have apologized immediately for having a proper grasp of the english language, but instead, I decided to explain to her how this was all her fault.

Basically, I was digging my own grave.

The last thing a woman wants to hear in this situation is anything even remotely related to it being her fault. Any intelligent man would just run to the nearest store and buy her a gold anything.

Me being me, I argued that point into the freaking ground. It was like high school debate club and that bitch was going down.

Except for the fact that that bitch was my wife and, according to the laws of marriage, a wife can never lose an argument.

Instead of laying out a solid argument about why this wasn't my fault, I was apparently explaining how I did not want to have sex any time in the near future.

Apparently, we speak a different language, too.

Honestly, my wife is a pretty nice lady, but that night I was absolutely positive that she was going to freaking murder me in the face.

All up in my face.

Here's a hint for you: if a woman ever says not to buy her something, go buy it anyway. Buy two of them. Hell, buy eight of them.

You don't want that kind of trouble.

Any man who says he's not worried is either delusional or single.

I actually leave randomly wrapped presents around the house in case I forget something. Kind of like emergency presents.

It's just good planning.

Really, the only solace I have is the fact that it really WAS all her fault.

Tomorrow's Post: Susan reads this post.

F&%@ it. I'm usually in trouble anyway.

posted by Goblin Smithy @ 8:07 PM