Tuesday, December 22, 2009

A Brief Christmas Interlude

I've noticed some people have commented on a definitive lack of Jormy, retards, and the Jormying of the aforementioned retards.

Yes, I just made Jormy a verb.

I'll give you a minute to add that to your personal lexicon.

Might I suggest such fun sentences as "Man, I'm going to Jormy that motherf&%@er" and "Holy shit, that guy just got Jormyed"?

Anyway, since we are so close to [insert religious or secular holiday], I thought I should take the time to correct this oversight. I decided the best way to fix this problem would be to set a trap.

A retard trap.

I know. Setting a trap to find a retard online is like setting a trap for a pedophile online. It's just too easy.

Could you take a seat over there?

Basically, my plan was to offer random players free items and simply wait for one of them to turn out to be retarded.

Not one of my more nefarious plans, but I was tired and hungover. See, this happened to be one of those odd mornings when I was NOT drinking.


Still, I felt the plan would serve my purposes as it met the two criteria of my mission:

1) retards

2) feeding retards to Jormy

Now, some of you might call this entrapment. You would only call it that because it is entrapment. Luckily, in the GM handbook, entrapment is defined as "too freaking bad, BANNED!"

It's a good handbook.

We are police officers in only the very loosest sense. While we are empowered to act as enforcers of our carefully laid out ruleset (along with our own completely arbitrary rules), we are not actually restrained by any sort of legal limitations.

Miranda? What the hell is Miranda?

So, I went tard fishing.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I'd like to present you with a free item.
Player>> Really?
Player>> That would be great.



Okay, okay. Shake that one off. You're bound to find some NON-retarded people.

Let's just move on.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I have a gift for you.
Player>> Holy crap!
Player>> That is awesome.

Seriously? Two normal people in a row?

Fail, Internet. Fail.


[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I'm here to present you with a free gift.
Player>> Really?
Player>> What is it?

Ah, there we are.

You might think this person doesn't sound retarded, but that is because you don't have my highly tuned retardation instincts. I can practically smell these people.

Yes, it is as disgusting as it sounds.

There's something about his sentence structure and grammar that sets off the old bells and whistles. Like a master profiler, I conclude that he must be retarded.

Also, he just questioned a free item.

If someone offers you something free, you don't ask them what it is. You say thank you and then ask for another one for your sister.

You probably don't have a sister. You only say that because it is free and free things are awesome.

The first two people were smart. Say thank you and take the item. It doesn't matter what the hell it is, you just take the item.

The third guy... He asked a question.


Still, he might come to his senses. He might still turn out half-sensible.

You're reading this, aren't you? How do you think it turned out?

[GM]Dave>> It's... It's a Scorpion Harness.
Player>> I'm actually a Black Mage.
Player>> Could I maybe trade it for something?

I'm not even kidding. He asked if he could trade it in for something else.

He asked if he could trade in a free item.

He could have just gone and sold the item. Throw it on the Auction House and wait twenty minutes. Bam! Money!

But no. This guy asks me for a favor while I'm doing him a favor.

This is why the english language is so frustrating. "Retarded" doesn't convey how stupid this really is.

I felt I was well within my rights.

[GM]Dave>> Well, I could see what other items I have.
Player>> Something that would be great for a Black Mage.
Player>> And a high quality if you can.

Not even joking. Asked for a HQ.


[GM]Dave>> Well, I do have one...
[GM]Dave>> No, I couldn't give you that.
Player>> Wait... Give me what?
Player>> You can't give me what?
[GM]Dave>> It's a hard to get item.
[GM]Dave>> I can't just give it away.
Player>> But it's Christmas.
Player>> C'mon.

Yes, he intended to win the argument by saying "C'mon".

[GM]Dave>> Well...
[GM]Dave>> You have to promise not to tell anyone.
Player>> Of course.
Player>> I won't tell anyone.

Bullshit. The only reason we put in the chat system is so you can brag to random strangers.

[GM]Dave>> I can't. I really can't.
Player>> Yes, you can.
Player>> I don't even care what it is.

Yeah, now he doesn't care. I tell him it's hard to get and suddenly it's the thought that counts.

[GM]Dave>> Okay...
[GM]Dave>> But you can't tell anyone.
[GM]Dave>> ANYONE!
Player>> No problem.
Player>> Not anyone.


Area: Mordion Gaol

Player>> What's going on?
Player>> Where am I?!
[GM]Dave>> I had to bring you here to get your new armor.
[GM]Dave>> Your new dragon armor.
Player>> Sounds awesome.
Player>> ... Where is it?
[GM]Dave>> It's right...

Jormungand hits Player for 13,908 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> ... There.
[GM]Dave>> Actually... I think it might be a little big on you.

Yes, I know I banned someone this close to Christmas just to amuse you.

You're welcome.


At 10:02 PM, Blogger Fulluphigh said...


What's against the rules, exactly? Giving something away? Forgive me, I've never 'indulged' in FF XI.

At 10:12 PM, Blogger Sparf said...


Being retarded is against the rules. he was setting out a trap, waiting for a player to be stupid and greedy.

Then said player gets fed to Jormungand, the massive purple nightmare from beyond.

At 11:06 PM, Blogger Atomic Skull said...

"If someone offers you something free, you don't ask them what it is. You say thank you and then ask for another one for your sister."

I disagree. If someone wants to give you something for free then they are up to no good. Accepting free gifts from strangers means you're going to end up chained to a toilet in a filthy apartment somewhere or worse.

At 11:21 PM, Blogger Blueyez said...

I kind of agree with Atomic Skull, maybe I'm just cynical. If you had wanted to play it the other way you could have given the first two guys a trip to Mordion Gaol and called them retards for not questioning you.
I think where that guy really went wrong was saying a free SH just wouldn't cut it for him. It was pretty much a slippery slope of retardation after that.
It still would have been funny either way.
Thanks :)

At 1:50 AM, Blogger Kahsha said...


It's a little big on you...

This made me smile.

Thanks [GM]Dave!

At 7:48 AM, Blogger GMan003 said...

On the one hand, the guy was actually smart to ask what the gift was. It could very well have been something like "free cruise through a dragon's digestive system" or "more free time to spend with your family", ie. feeding to Jormy and banning, respectively. Always ask before opening a gift on the internet.

On the other hand, that guy was clearly retarded.

At 10:22 AM, Blogger Bri said...

There are games like EVE Online where something that's too good to be true can kill you and steal your lunch money, and "gifts" are usually ticking.

Still, thanks for the laugh, I love your offhand writing style.

At 10:37 AM, Blogger Bufuman said...

Me personally, I'd ask what it is too, but because I'm curious by nature. I'd still take it and I DEFINITELY wouldn't try to bargain for something else. I'd pick a job that could use that Scorpion Harness and I'd level that goddamn job so I could wear it.

At 1:58 PM, Blogger Lenwe said...

My week would not have been complete without a banning before christmas.... thank you.

At 2:51 PM, Blogger Xan said...

Did you end up giving anything to the two "normal" players, or did you simply disappear?

At 2:54 PM, Blogger Leut said...

We used to give away "gifts" in Ultima Online. They were Grandmaster crafted trapped chests. As soon as the person would open it, BOOMBLOOYKABLAMO!

Then we'd yoink everything he carried down to his train track undies. It usually looked liek they had been muddin'.

This is why I would always question why is someone giving me something and what it is. If I was not satisfied, I'd reply, "No thank you. It would not be fair to all of those who earned theirs the right way."

Plus that would have made [GM]Dave even more frustrated.

At 3:53 PM, Blogger Mil'bereth said...

"If someone offers you something free, you don't ask them what it is. You say thank you and then ask for another one for your sister."

I disagree. If someone wants to give you something for free then they are up to no good. Accepting free gifts from strangers means you're going to end up chained to a toilet in a filthy apartment somewhere or worse."

This logic applies to real life. But to put things in FFXI perspective, this is like an avatar of Altana decending and graciously electing to bestow a gift upon a recipient for her good pleasure. If a GM appeared before me in all of his gloweyness and said "Hail Adventurer, here is a free item"; my response would be skecptical because Dave is more of a demon than an angel.

Perhaps something more like "Thank you kind sir, are you sure you its ok to grace me with such a gift?"

I would then /joy and offer my praises to my kindly benefactor

At 5:24 PM, Blogger Zeota said...

Nice way to spread holiday cheer.

At 5:37 PM, Blogger zerombr said...

GM Dave, sorry to say this, but I seem to recall you pulling this stunt before, have you forgotten in your Jack induced haze?

At 6:37 PM, Blogger sRc said...

Dave, stop pretending it doesn't amuse you as well

At 12:43 AM, Blogger golden_knyte said...

Actually....if economics class has taught me anything its 2 things:

1) If it sounds like common sense, its wrong

2) no such thing as a free lunch

While I agree, asking to trade in a Scorp Harness for something else is retarded beyond all doubt.

But asking what the free item is? If anything, the first two guys were retarded for not asking.

Me >> hey dude! free item!
Dude1 >> cool! gimme!
Me >> here you go! enjoy!
Me >> *loot*

Always ask. Last thing you need is a black mamba hopping out and biting your groin.

Dave, I'm sending my friend Jack over to you...you might be down a pint


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