Monday, October 12, 2009

[GM]Dave's Regrets - Vol. 1

I'm going to go way back here to one of the first things I remember ever feeling bad about.

Really, really bad.

The funny thing is I feel bad about a really terrible person.

It was grade seven. There was a girl in my class named Randina.

Yes, Randina.

No, I do not know what she did to her parents that made them hate her enough to give her such a retarded name.

What I do know is that Randina was a world class bitch. She was that girl in your class that you'd happily have pushed down a flight of stairs just to see if she bounced at the bottom.

I hated this girl and this was long before I started hating everybody.

Anyway, one day my best friend brings in a photo of me he had taken when we were hanging out. Apparently, that was not one of my better days and this photo was unbelievably embarrassing.

My junior high rep hung in the balance here, people.

As I was carefully placing the picture in my backpack for future destruction, Randina reached out, grabbed it, and ran off down the hallway laughing.

See? Total bitch.

I couldn't, just couldn't let that picture get around. This wasn't getting caught playing Pogs or something. This could be detrimental to my grade seven existence.

I started chasing her down the hall.

She was running pretty fast, but luckily, I was buzzed on a mix of recess pixie sticks, crystal Pepsi, and sudden fear.

I could have given the Flash a run for his money.

Seconds later, I was just a few feet behind her. All I had to do was reach out and grab her.

I stretched out my arm and firmly grasped her shoulder.

Correction: I stretched out my arm and attempted to firmly grasp her shoulder.

To this day, I remember grabbing her shoulder. I remember feeling her shoulder in my hand as I grasped.

Apparently, when you try to grab someone's shoulder when both of you are running, it is entirely possible to miss and grab a hold of their dress.

Only their dress.

You may or may not see where this is going.

Since I thought I had grabbed her in a sufficient manner to keep her from moving, I stopped running.

Since I was wrong, she continued running.

Her dress remained firmly in my hand.

It was kind of like that magic trick where the guy yanks a table cloth off a table, but instead of a table underneath, there was a screaming girl in her underwear.


So, to summarize, I have just chased down and then torn the clothes off of a girl because she took a picture I did not like.

In the middle of a school hallway.

If I did this today, I would probably have gotten shot in the face.

And what does a young man who has found himself in this situation do? Does he apologize profusely? Does he do his best to cover this poor, half-naked girl?


He takes his picture and walks away.

I swear to God, I'm not making that up. I looked at that girl, screaming and crying, and I just took my picture and walked away.

Honestly, I still feel a little bad about not doing more (or anything) to comfort her. I could have at least acknowledged how horrible what I had done was.

Not me. I just took my picture back and left her to sort that shit out for herself.

In my defense, it was a really bad picture.


At 8:01 PM, Blogger Sparf said...

I don't know if I could look back and feel bad about it, taking everything into account. Just don't feel too much remorse, Dave. I hear that it can destroy you. Much like not having enough alcohol in your system

At 8:31 PM, Blogger Sword said...

Well in hindsight, did she ever do anything bitchtastic to you again after?

At 8:39 PM, Blogger Iceman said...

I had a good chuckle at this one. Epic!

As a side note, do you ever worry that as a result of this incident (and not at all to do with the name) that she grew up to be a stripper?

At 9:14 PM, Blogger AJ said...

Did you at least give her the dress back? Because I have this wonderful image of a seventh grader doing this, and then walking off with picture and dress in hand, and tossing them both in the trash.

At 9:19 PM, Blogger Soren said...


Good lord.

At 10:00 PM, Blogger Moroianu said...

"I have this wonderful image of a seventh grader doing this, and then walking off with picture and dress in hand, and tossing them both in the trash."

I would SO have done that :)

At 10:06 PM, Blogger LD Josh said...

you should look her up on facebook.

At 11:40 PM, Blogger Bufuman said...

Ah, the classic dress made out of paper, it would seem. Such a quality getup.

At 11:43 PM, Blogger Kahsha said...


That was you?!!

I'm still traumatized to this day!

At 12:26 AM, Blogger Dyamalos said...

Half expecting: "Reget not having a camera on me to take a picture"

what? I may not be in 7th grade anymore, but that's what I would have thought...

Hey, if she's a bitch: She learned her lesson.

If she's a bitch AND attractive/cute (talking about to that age range here) she learned her lesson and you got payment.

At 7:36 AM, Blogger Abe said...

Did she have a dick? Is that why you walked away without nailing her to the wall?

Come on, Dave... Were you one of those 7th graders who "experimented" with the same sex? I know some gays are just curious, but I didn't expect this from you.

At 7:41 AM, Blogger LD Josh said...

@Abe: Dude... she was 12. wtf is wrong with you?

At 8:57 AM, Blogger Lazuras said...

Reminds me a girl I knew called Vicky Oliver. Prissy rich bitch that thought she owned the world.

After finally having enough of her teasing (this was middle school mind you) I came up with the brilliant idea to call her Icky Liver, dropping the first letters of her name.

Turns out now 20+ years later she ended up being stuck with that nickname all these years and became an alcoholic.

Brings a tear of joy to my eye just thinking about it.

At 9:11 AM, Blogger Ulli said...

I once had a guy who always teased me in the 6th grade, and one day I got so pissed off i started yelling at him during break to stop. He stabbed me with a pencil. He has a restraining order of 50 feet now.

At 12:19 PM, Blogger Mil'bereth said...

HOLY SHIT Crystal Pepsi... I remember the commercials for that with the Van Halen Soundtrack...

At 12:29 PM, Blogger Leut said...

Countless pedophiles just got off reading your blog.....

At 1:25 PM, Blogger Abe said...

@LD Josh

That's what I'm talking about. *wink*

At 2:46 PM, Blogger Daniel said...

So, Dave, what the hell was the picture off?

And I don't think you should feel so bad about what you did, karma is one hell of a bitch.

At 10:32 PM, Blogger Katherine said...

Nice job. She's probably still in therapy.

At 10:41 AM, Blogger Chrono Fantasy said...

That's okay. That bitch deserved the humilation of her fat nakedness. Think about it, she was going to embarass you anyways with your picture, to ruin your grade 7 life, and grade 7 is a very emotional time for kids at that age.

So it was for the best you did what you had to do and take that picture back from her. Now hopefully she'll learn her lessons to keep her dirty hands to herself. :D

At 6:06 PM, Blogger David said...

Dave, I've read your blog for years and this is my first time commenting.


He takes his picture and walks away.

I swear to God, I'm not making that up. I looked at that girl, screaming and crying, and I just took my picture and walked away."

When I read that, I stood out of my chair and clapped. There was literally, NOTHING, that you could have done to make that any more awesome. I salute you.

At 1:29 PM, Blogger Mattoxic said...

Oh man, that's harsh. It's one of those moment you wish you could go back on and do things differently. I mean like butterfly effect that kind of shit.


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