Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Just Good Parenting

Thinking about the citizens of Vana'diel and their strange little lives put me in a very weird place the past few days. Suddenly, I found myself wondering about the lives of other video game characters.

This struck me as funny because I don't really care about the lives of actual people.

I hate people, but I've spent two days thinking about Mario's daily routine.

That's messed up.

Does Mario ever get freaking sick of jumping on obviously retarded turtles?

Does Master Chief watch movies like Starship Troopers and laugh his ass off?

Why doesn't Mega Man just shoot Wiley in the face already?

Of all the game worlds that I spent time thinking about, there was one that seemed more messed up than any other, one world that is really, REALLY scary if you think about it.

That's right. Pokemon.

What the sweet bacon Jesus hell is wrong with that world?

You're nine.

Everything is perfectly normal in your life. You're a regular fifth grader, doing the whole school thing. Math isn't your best subject, but you're not failing. And you're starting to wonder if you might like that girl that sits in front of you.

Then you turn ten.

Suddenly, for no explicable reason, your parents kick you out of your house and expect you to roam the countryside completely uncared for.

Here's a backpack and a mutated woodland creature.

Get the F&%@ out.

Does no one see a problem with this? Seriously?

I'm all for fostering independence in children, but I think there's a line between independence and sending your child to die in the woods.

It's not even like this is a normal world either. In the regular world, a child would only have to deal with the elements.

No, this world has forests teeming with animals that breathe fire and spit lightning. It is a regular occurrence to encounter an animal entirely capable of murdering and dismembering a small child.

It happens about every five to ten steps.

Sure, sometimes you run into a mentally handicapped caterpillar or fish or something, but quite frequently, it's some Godless monster with razor sharp teeth and claws.

Get him, Squirtle!

Oh, and let's not forget the marauding bands of criminals, terrorists, and rather obvious child molesters roaming through the woods.

As if you never thought about it before.

I'm sure they'll all be bumbling morons who only fail to thoroughly torture or murder your child because they are too freaking stupid to actually get shit done.

Yes, let's put all of our hopes in the complete incompetence of the people trying to kill your kid.

Good job.

Don't worry though. I mean you gave your child everything they would need, right? They've got their own blood-thirsty monster.

Pictured: Blood-thirsty Monster

Or functionally retarded ninja turtle

And a backpack.



Did you remember to pack any food for the kid? A change of clothes? Water?

Of course not.

That's a sweet freaking backpack though.

Not to worry. I'm sure everything will work out. I mean, your kid is setting out to become the world's best Pokemon master.

Just like every other kid their age.

This is dozens and dozens of children leaving their homes every other week, setting out to become the best.

They can all be the best, right?

It's funny. Remembering all of the Pokemon games and how every city had it's own little theme, I don't remember a town made from the skulls of all the children sent out to die alone in the wilderness.

Maybe it'll be in those new Gold and Silver remakes. Right outside Pallet Town or where the hell ever, you'll find Skull Town.

Or Rotting Corpse Town.

Or Huge Pile of Dead Children Town.

Actually, maybe that's where all of those freaking ghost Pokemon come from. Those Ghastlies and Gengars aren't mystical. They're the obvious and easily predicted result of SENDING YOUR KIDS OUT INTO THE WOODS TO DIE.

Christ. I know this is a game, people, but this is some seriously messed up shit right here.

Luckily, the Google image search did help to clear up one of the most troubling parts of the whole Pokemon story.

Mind = Blown

I don't know about you, but that's a weight off my mind.


At 6:42 PM, Blogger Jon said...

What about Bulbasaur? Is that a 'Bulba' and a 'cold saur'?

At 6:58 PM, Blogger Leut said...

People who play Pokemon are the ones who lose in the Special Olympics.

At 7:07 PM, Blogger Nathan said...

*raises hand*

I used to play it.

Yes, James (kinda sad I know the name, but whatever) seemed like a guy with "special" needs.

Yes, your rite of passage was not getting owned by dog-sized (or larger) creature capable of rending you limb from limb...

Makes you wonder where they picked up the concept, huh?

At 7:14 PM, Blogger phillip said...

You should really write a book.I would buy it.

At 7:57 PM, Blogger Pheynix said...

I made the near mistake of eating my dinner while reading this post... I almost left BBQ rib all over my LCD monitor.

Observational comedy at its nigh finest.

At 10:08 PM, Blogger Ben N. said...

Re: Jon,

It's almost as bad. "Bulb" and "asaur." It's a plant dinosaur.

At 10:08 PM, Blogger golden_knyte said...

hey leut,

i played pokemon red, blue, silver, and yellow. and i still won the special olympics gdi!

and whats scarier, the giant fire breathing, tail-on-fire lizard? or the 30 ft long snake made of 6 ft diameter boulders?

i vote the fucking rock snake...tho im sure the lightning rat gives a very en-lightning experience

At 10:56 PM, Blogger sRc said...

and despite all that, you KNOW you'll continue to play the games Dave...

At 3:48 AM, Blogger Music-chan said...

You know, as dumb as the Pokemon cartoons are, the games were actually a lot of fun when I was in college (oh so long ago). I got Yellow and Silver (I think?) back when the Gameboy Color was cool and I had a blast wandering around, collecting pokemon. Man, that is the perfect gameboy game. I don't care what people say; it's great.

I guess I never saw it as ALL the children wandering out though. I'd have to play it again, or get the newer versions and see how they handle it. Kinda disturbing when it's put that way though.

At 7:18 AM, Blogger J. Scarper said...

I've only finished one Pokemon game in my entire life, and I really don't want to repeat it again. At first Pokemon Ruby was fun, but once it turned into some sort of 'training' to be able to beat the...what was it, Elite Four? o.o , I kinda started disliking the game more and more.

I don't wanna finish another Pokemon game ever, unless something really special comes up T.T

At 7:25 AM, Blogger Layna said...

What about Pokemon Snap? For Nintendo 64? Yeah it's lame, but I liked that game.... *blush*

At 11:41 AM, Blogger bradp said...

If south park has taught us anything, it's that retarded kids does not necessarily mean athletically handicapped (or they're at least able to beat a fat kid)

Most kid shows nowadays seem kind of fucked up anyways. I was watching teletubbies high one time and the baby in the sky scared the shit outta me. Dora the explorer teaches snitching, and sesame street teaches kids to ridicule homeless people (stolen from Dave Chappelle).

Pokemon, even with all its stupidity on television (not to mention it being geared towards little kids), manages to be a half decent game (at least on GBA).

At 3:02 PM, Blogger Thalandor46 said...

You know, as frightening as that thought is now, back in my 12ish year old days of Red and Blue, that was my dream! I could leave school, go out into the world, and live out my career as a Pokemon Master. Money wouldn't be an issue since it's so easily obtainable in the Pokeverse, and there are even free hospitals! There were plenty of details I never considered, but it sounded like a fucking sweet deal compared to going to school and being tired as all hell every day.

At 3:03 PM, Blogger Urinal said...

Wow... and here I thought Squirtle was named that because of his special squirt attack...

At 4:58 PM, Blogger Jon said...

Oh and don't forget how the nurses and cops in every city looked exactly the same. Talk about a bad case of psychotic schizophrenia...

At 5:05 PM, Blogger J said...

I used to want to be a pokemon master simply because that was the cool thing to do back in the day.
In it's defense, not every 10 year old goes out to become a pokemon trainer. Only those who want to or those who are kicked out of their houses.
And Jessie and James are 12 years old.

At 10:45 PM, Blogger Matthew said...

I'm nearly 20 and I still think it would be sweet to be a Pokemon master xD screw degrees! I'm catchin' me a Growlithe!

At 10:56 PM, Blogger sRc said...


actually Jessie & James are somewhere over 20... quick summary, Jessie's mom was the Team Rocket member involved in the search that led to finding the Mew fossil that they cloned Mew from, from which she never returned and Jessie was orphaned. Jessie was ~3 years old at that point, and it was stated in canon that the expedition was 20 years before the first movie took place

At 11:50 AM, Blogger Katherine said...

I couldn't hack real pokemon games, so I played Snap - for about 3 hours. But yeah... little messed up on the conceptual level - then again, it's no worse than expecting the "least liked person in {location a} to rise up with the help of {insert companion or artifact here} and save the world" which we see in so many RPGs

At 1:35 PM, Blogger Miguel Santos said...

Pokemon was sweet. While a very disfuncional world, it made for a compelling and fun world to play in. Who wouldn't want to have the power to level an entire city in 6 little balls around your belt?

Though, I have to say that the new pokemon games... are a little meh... I think they just made way too many pokemon. 251 was more than enough.

At 10:04 AM, Blogger Sword said...

Well in truth the Poke'mon games were never that bad. In fact it was a good concept and a good game. The game itself hasnt changed in the 13 or so years it's been out however, just the number of poke'mon. This is what I say to that,

"150 new Poke'mon have been discovered and just magically appeared in every reigon around the world. And guess what!? Everyone in the fuckin world has one EXCEPT YOU!"

Ahh, but I digress. What parents in the pokemon world should really worry about is what the kids DO with their little freaks of nature.


This just reeks of some freaky japanese hentai, am I right?

At 1:32 PM, Blogger Warewulf said...

It's fun looking at a game in a serious perspective, applying it to real world comparison. However, it's SQUIRTle because he's a water pokemon. His tail's likeness to a squirrel is most likely pure coincidence.

Just an fyi :p

At 4:10 PM, Blogger Jon said...

I thing Dave was being sarcastic.

At 10:04 PM, Blogger Heinrich said...

Here's a backpack and a mutated woodland creature. ... pokemonbackpack.blogspot.com


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