Just Good ParentingThinking about the citizens of Vana'diel and their strange little lives put me in a very weird place the past few days. Suddenly, I found myself wondering about the lives of other video game characters.
This struck me as funny because I don't really care about the lives of actual people.
I hate people, but I've spent two days thinking about Mario's daily routine.
That's messed up.
Does Mario ever get freaking sick of jumping on obviously retarded turtles?
Does Master Chief watch movies like Starship Troopers and laugh his ass off?
Why doesn't Mega Man just shoot Wiley in the face already?
Of all the game worlds that I spent time thinking about, there was one that seemed more messed up than any other, one world that is really, REALLY scary if you think about it.
That's right. Pokemon.
What the sweet bacon Jesus hell is wrong with that world?
Everything is perfectly normal in your life. You're a regular fifth grader, doing the whole school thing. Math isn't your best subject, but you're not failing. And you're starting to wonder if you might like that girl that sits in front of you.
Then you turn ten.
Suddenly, for no explicable reason, your parents kick you out of your house and expect you to roam the countryside completely uncared for.
Here's a backpack and a mutated woodland creature.
Get the F&%@ out.
Does no one see a problem with this? Seriously?
I'm all for fostering independence in children, but I think there's a line between independence and sending your child to die in the woods.
It's not even like this is a normal world either. In the regular world, a child would only have to deal with the elements.
No, this world has forests teeming with animals that breathe fire and spit lightning. It is a regular occurrence to encounter an animal entirely capable of murdering and dismembering a small child.
It happens about every five to ten steps.
Sure, sometimes you run into a mentally handicapped caterpillar or fish or something, but quite frequently, it's some Godless monster with razor sharp teeth and claws.
Get him, Squirtle!
Oh, and let's not forget the marauding bands of criminals, terrorists, and rather obvious child molesters roaming through the woods.
I'm sure they'll all be bumbling morons who only fail to thoroughly torture or murder your child because they are too freaking stupid to actually get shit done.
Yes, let's put all of our hopes in the complete incompetence of the people trying to kill your kid.
Don't worry though. I mean you gave your child everything they would need, right? They've got their own blood-thirsty monster.
And a backpack.
Did you remember to pack any food for the kid? A change of clothes? Water?
Of course not.
That's a sweet freaking backpack though.
Not to worry. I'm sure everything will work out. I mean, your kid is setting out to become the world's best Pokemon master.
Just like every other kid their age.
This is dozens and dozens of children leaving their homes every other week, setting out to become the best.
They can all be the best, right?
It's funny. Remembering all of the Pokemon games and how every city had it's own little theme, I don't remember a town made from the skulls of all the children sent out to die alone in the wilderness.
Maybe it'll be in those new Gold and Silver remakes. Right outside Pallet Town or where the hell ever, you'll find Skull Town.
Or Rotting Corpse Town.
Or Huge Pile of Dead Children Town.
Actually, maybe that's where all of those freaking ghost Pokemon come from. Those Ghastlies and Gengars aren't mystical. They're the obvious and easily predicted result of SENDING YOUR KIDS OUT INTO THE WOODS TO DIE.
Christ. I know this is a game, people, but this is some seriously messed up shit right here.
I don't know about you, but that's a weight off my mind.