Sunday, May 31, 2009


Holy crapping hell! Why isn't anyone paying attention to me?

I'm not here ranting for my own amusement, people. I'm trying to save the world.

Without cheerleaders.

Or time travel.

Or nonsensical plots that revolve around everyone having father issues.

Just a few days ago, I wrote about people who are basically engineering the downfall of humanity. These people fail to heed the warnings that science fiction has made abundantly clear.

I thought that was it. I write about robots and my wacky observations, and that'd be the end of it.

Of course not.

It seems a different group of scientists is trying to create a mini-sun on Earth.


How in the F&%@ING hell can anyone expect this to turn out well?

The opening of the movie revolves around a scientist trying to create a mini-sun on Earth as an alternative source of energy.

Things, as you would expect, do not go according to plan. There's a whole thing with explosions and the potential destruction of humanity.

Standard science stuff.

And, if that wasn't enough of a message, he tries it again at the end of the film.

And almost kills everyone AGAIN!

There is no reason whatsoever to believe that this could be a good idea.

None at all.

And yet, someone thought this would make for a great science fair project.

Why in the hell is the science community actively trying to not only destroy humanity, but also do it in an incredibly ironic fashion?

I don't mind the whole Large Hadron Collider thing because:

a) it seems very cool

b) it hasn't been the main plot point of a movie in which it acted as a potential destroyer of all mankind

At least... I'm pretty sure it hasn't. I haven't seen that Hannah Montana film yet.

Are you seriously trying to tell me no one on this research team has seen Spider-Man 2?


Maybe we need to start a new initiative where every time a scientist comes up with some wacky new experiment or technology, they have to run it past the internet so we can point out how retarded it is.

Or at least get them a Blockbuster card or something.

F&%@ it. Let's just cover all the shit that scientists should already know:

1) no robots

No. Robots.


You will never ever create a helpful robot. It will either be useless or will eventually turn on humanity and try and kill us all.


Maybe that thing that just set off your warning system wasn't a bird. Maybe it was a guy who just fell into your giant sand experiment and you're about to turn him into a nigh-unstoppable killing machine.

Go FREAKING check.

Hell, even if it was a bird, go check that, too. The last thing we need is some psychotic bird sand monster.

3) leave the ocean alone

Everything at the bottom of the ocean is trying to kill us.



Giant sentient spheres.

They're all going to kill us all.

It's at the bottom of the ocean for a good damned reason. Leave that shit alone.

4) no time travel

Let's just leave that one alone right now. Time travel has never helped anyone. Not even in the movies.

Basically, every movie related to time travel involves the main characters trying to clean up the mess they made by traveling through time in the first place.

The best thing that could happen is that they didn't go back in time at all.

Let's just cut out the middle man.

5) zombies

Any and all experiments related to reviving dead flesh just need to stop.

Why does anyone think this is a good idea?

Sure, you get your [insert family member] back, but now they're all psychotic and blood thirsty.

Not to mention partially decomposed.


Death is a sad, terrible thing, but it's a LOT better than getting your brains chewed on by your uncle who now has the worst case of body odor EVER.

I think that about covers it.

Before anyone bothers to mention it, I entirely realize that no one is actually going to pay attention to this. I know scientists are going to continue to engineer new and unusual ways to kill us all, but I still hope this post will serve one important purpose...

At least I'll get to say I told you so.


At 9:12 PM, Blogger Philip said...

I'll never understand why people are this stupid.

At 9:41 PM, Blogger Marshall said...

Dave, LHC is the main story plot of Angels and Demons, Devinci code 2... Boom

At 9:59 PM, Blogger Paul said...

If we get the LHC working, and happen to make a black hole.. AND the laser-powered sun...Star Trek The Movie will meet Superman: The Movie, and some super-powerful news reporter, wielding his trusty pair of underpants ( read: Brit Hume ) will be forced to go back in time, to save Tom Hanks from the evil super scientists in CERN.

Tom Hanks may or may not be wearing a dress.


I say we call him Lois.

At 10:05 PM, Blogger David said...

We already create mini suns on Earth (See the Joint European Torus). They just aren't self sufficient in terms of energy.

Spider-Man 2 was awful with its physics. The tritium (a hydrogen isotope) would eventually run out and the fusion generation would stop, unless they added a huge amount of fuel (say by dumping it into a huge mass of hydrogen. Good thing water doesn't have hydrogen atoms.... crap....)

The article is talking about how the NIF is the most recent group that is using lasers instead of magnets to ignite the mass. They are hoping to get a Q (Fusion energy gain factor) of greater than 1.

Fusion technology is very safe. If there is ever a breach of fuel, the exothermic reaction will not be sustainable. It will disperse quickly.

At 10:07 PM, Blogger Saifer said...

I swear, if I had a choice, pick 1 of the above, I would pick zombies, I rather fight zombies ( or try to) anyday over robots, sandmen, deep-sea monsters, aliens, any other human-made shit.

At 11:24 PM, Blogger Hulyen said...

Awww, but Sphere is one of my favorite novels!

At 11:41 PM, Blogger J said...

The particle colliders are not even safe for scientists to use. In the movie The Black Hole, it was such a machine in St. Louis that created one in the middle of the city and also spawned a black hole creature thing. Nothing in science is safe.

At 12:12 AM, Blogger Daniel said...

Before I say anything, I should point out I'm a little crazy and a little sadistic.


At 12:27 AM, Blogger Avedas said...

The artificial sun thing from lasers+hydrogen is a relatively new concept, but not this new. It doesn't really work the way that Spiderman put it anyways.

And yeah, LHC lit shit up in Angels and Demons.

At 2:09 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Regarding Angels and Demons.

They had to put up a web page explaining that no, they do not go around making and storing large amounts of antimatter.

At 6:36 AM, Blogger Ben said...

You can't win. If it's not the scientists killing us it'll be the politicians. If it's not the politicians it'll be some random virus or germ. If it's not the germs/virus, it'll be a big comet on a collision course with Earth. And barring that, aliens will blow up the planet because we're blocking the light on their sun decks.

So might as well stick with the stuff we know will destroy us all... stop fate being creative.

And I'm still waiting for someone to build a working gundam. I'm too old to pilot it now (i.e. not 14) but I'd still like to see one before I die.

At 11:06 AM, Blogger MinorAgentofChaos said...

*eyes Dave*

*shakes head sadly*

*passes Dave copies of all Mythbusters' Movie-myths episodes*

At 12:53 PM, Blogger Michael said...

Who's been watching the M$ E3 press conference?!

Did you see project NATAL?

Peter made a pretty wicket AI boy that you can interact with in real time that can read your emotions.

He can sense your pain!

It's all over people. ROBOTS HAVE TAKEN OVER!!

And the best part...It's our fault...It's the fault of GAMERS.


At 4:12 PM, Blogger guario said...

Im sure us (the gaming community) dont have problem with the zombies. We have been killing those a lot of year from now. We know how to get care of them.

At 5:24 PM, Blogger Chrysalis said...

BTW, Umbrella Corp now owns Lancome as well as Oil of Olay...

At 11:13 PM, Blogger VLD said...

LHC = death in Angels & Demons

At 2:08 AM, Blogger CornuAspersum said...

because, y'know, all those screenwriters in Hollywood have doctorates in physics.

At 10:31 AM, Blogger Paul said...

The writers of Star Trek do...they live in Hollywood...

At 4:10 PM, Blogger Leut said...

Screw that. I get scared of only one thing...

...tween girl movies. THAT shit makes me pee blood.

At 3:54 PM, Blogger Animayhem said...

Another thing to add to your list of oh crap items.
My roommates just showed this to me and said we should link it here.

At 6:57 AM, Blogger Tyler said...

Actually, people have been trying to create nuclear fusion for a long time. Fission is where you take a Uranium-235 molecule and split it, resulting in a discharge of energy. This is how a nuclear power station works.

Fusion is where you take two hydrogen molecules and force them together to create a helium molecule, resulting in something about 100,000x more powerful with no radiation at all. The only reason this isn't possible yet is because earth doesn't have that much gravity, so we have to supplement it with a really, really, really, really, really, really powerful magnetic field.

Since nuclear fusion is exactly what your average everyday star is, that's what the people of Spiderman 2 thought it would look like if it actually worked.

At 6:59 AM, Blogger Tyler said...

Also, I'd like to point out that in Angels and Demons when the antimatter connected with the regular matter, that was easily the most awesome explosion I'd ever seen in my entire life of movie-watching.


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