Saturday, April 11, 2009

Theme Week - Turnabout Part 5

Okay, I'm going to ask a question here.

Have I done something to hurt you people? Have I wronged you in some way?

Are some of you perhaps practitioners of the dark arts?

Or avid hobbyists of the slightly dim arts?

I ask this because apparently you people have cursed me.

In the comments leading up to this week, several people mentioned me joining a n00b LS. That's a technical term meaning a linkshell full of retards.

Very technical.

We all laughed when you said it. Haha, [GM]Dave in an LS full of idiots and he can't do anything. Can't ban them. Can't feed them to Jormy.



I'm laughing on the inside.

Right next to the swirling vortex of hatred that is supposed to be my heart.

During one of my terrible, terrible, TERRIBLE Dunes parties, one of my party members asked me if I wanted to join his linkshell.

If I had spent any amount of time thinking about it, I might have asked how exactly a level 18 Warrior with no subjob had become a sackholder for an LS, but after hours of substandard parties, I wasn't exactly thinking straight.

Anyway, I said yes.

Part of me thought it would help out with the whole "new player perspective". Kind of like Jane Goodall going to live with the chimps.

Part of me apparently hates the other part of me.

I think it's my spleen. That guy has always been a troublemaker.

That boy just wasn't raised right.

See, that's funny because your spleen is on your left side. It's basically below your left lung.

Get it?


Shut up. Let's see you make a funny spleen joke.

So, I say yes and, before I can come to my senses, the guy trades me a yellow linkpearl.

As in short bus yellow.

Then... Then I equipped the pearl.




Seriously, if I have offended any witches in the crowd, send me a message so I can apologize properly.

It was, without a doubt, the best simulation I have ever seen of stepping into a grade 6 classroom during recess time.

And all of your favorite n00b stereotypes were there.

The "I never read the manual" guy

Ikantreed>> How do you check your map?
Ikantreed>> Anybody?
Ikantreed>> I can't get out of North Sandy.

The "perpetually begging" guy

Havnogilz>> Can anyone spare a few thousand gil?
Havnogilz>> I need a new sword.

The "internet memes are always funny" guy

Rickroller>> Yo dawg, I heard you like swordz.
Rickroller>> So we put a sword in your sword...
Rickroller>> So you can sword while you sword.

The "I'm pretending to be a girl, but not fooling anyone" guy

Shim>> Oh, goodness.
Shim>> I just spilled lotion all over myself.
Shim>> It's so slippery.

The "only person dumb enough to actually fall for it" guy

Sukker>> I could help with that if you want.
Sukker>> I've got soft hands.

And my perosnal favorite of all the n00b linkshell stereotypes...

The "I'm level 23 and therefore an expert on the entire game" guy

You're all familiar with this guy. He reads the forums and considers himself an expert on every job class and every event.

He does not let his lack of experience or actual information get in his way.

He's got forum posts on his side.

Player>> Anyone know the best body armor for Dragoon at 75?
Player>> A friend wants to know.
MrExpert>> Oh, that'd be the Assault Jerkin.
MrExpert>> Everyone knows that.

Ten bonus points if you knew that answer was wrong.

Remember: if you keep track of your points over time, it really won't make a difference because I'm making this up as I go.

The expert loves being in n00b linkshells because it's the only place anyone will listen to him.

Now, I was listening to him.

And I couldn't do a damned thing about it.

Sure, I could just take off the pearl. I could be blissfully unaware of the ignorance he was spreading to newer players.

Player>> At what level should you head to Kazham?
MrExpert>> Level 23.

No, I couldn't do it. I just couldn't do it.

Not out of some sense of duty or altruism, mind you.

I couldn't do it because in two weeks, I'm going to have to deal with the retards he has so carefully cultivated. Fields and fields of morons running rampant through my game.

No thank you.

I don't think my liver could take it.

The only thing to do was stem the tide of brain damage at its source.

Usually, this would be simple to handle. A few minutes of witty banter followed by a scenic tour of Jormy's digestive track and problem solved.

Unfortunately, part of the curse is that I'm not allowed to use my GM powers or hungry purple dragon.

My only recourse was to reason with him.

... Yeah, that went about as well as you'd expect.

Maybe I could just offer the correct answer and that'd be the end of it.

Dave>> Actually, it'd be best if you waited until level 25.
Dave>> You're a Monk, so you'd probably have trouble at 23.

Not so much.

MrExpert>> You don't know what you're talking about.

I've never seen irony so thick.

Dave>> You should stay in Qufim until 25.
Dave>> That's the best plan.
MrExpert>> No, no, no.
MrExpert>> Qufim is 17 to 22.

Qufim at 17...

This is like someone telling you you can get a driver's license at the age of 12.

I.E. very stupid.

Dave>> Mandies have high evasion.
Dave>> You're lucky if you hit them at 25.
MrExpert>> That's crazy.
Dave>> Then you should feel right at home.
MrExpert>> What do you know, n00b?
MrExpert>> You've been playing like what?
MrExpert>> 5 days?


Dammit, dammit, dammit.

My kingdom for a purple dragon.

Or an incendiary device.

It's kind of hard to argue with an incendiary device.

Not impossible, but it's hard to enjoy your victory as the flesh is burned from your body.

Unfortunately, since I have neither of those things, there really wasn't a lot I could do.

Not for a few days at least.

I argued with him for another few minutes, but soon realized it was ultimately futile. Just like his junior high teachers, I understood that he could not be taught.

Instead, I jotted his name down on the growing list next to my monitor.

The very long list.

I could probably just save time by making a list of the people I'm not going to ban.

It'd sure be a hell of a lot shorter.


At 9:31 PM, Blogger Taylor-MadeAK said...

Why not feed him a little misinformation of your own? You know, like Goblin Pathfinder pets in Yhoat make great solo fodder for level 24 players because the Gobs always ignore what happens to their pets even if they're looking right at them when you pull....

At 10:11 PM, Blogger Aelenia said...

Even better. Tell the UberN00b that the lizards are best for soloing at 24. They have low evasion and don't link at all. Even better when there's a group of them so you can pull and XP rapidly.

At 10:37 PM, Blogger Animayhem said...

You should contact Mr Expert next week and tell him that it was you that he argued with and that you were part of a GM plot to find the idiots that are giving out bad info and making your jobs harder. Then feed him to the dragon. Remember, the next person you correct might have a dragon waiting in the background, hehe.

At 10:59 PM, Blogger Loon said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At 11:28 PM, Blogger Silly Girl said...

That's one thing I think anyone can understand, GM or not :P The want to strangle the wannabe know-it-all. +sigh+

Could've been worse though +shrug+

At 4:56 AM, Blogger Codexx said...


I will scrounge some money out from under the cushions in the couch. I will search under the car seat. Whatever it takes to get some money together.

Just help me out. Teach Mr know-it-all a lesson, and post what happens here.

At 5:23 AM, Blogger Daniel said...

Just say that it's a new character... people do it all the time (for reasons I don't quite understand). Either way, you can't prove it, he can't disprove it, and eventually Jormy gets a snack anyways.

At 7:23 AM, Blogger Kinam said...

no, see daniel, another part of the "punishment" as dave puts it, is that he's not allowed to let on the fact that he's not a newbie, or that he's got more power than ... well, any of their driveling selves...

At 8:36 AM, Blogger Kongregate Reviews said...

I feel for you. I had it engraved into the back of my skull at an early age that you're free of Valkurm's shackles at 20, and that Qufim was only five short levels before hitting the jungle.

In fact, I've run that track so many times that I consider myself somewhat of an expert at low-level gameplay.

Not that FFXI has anything there for you to do during low levels.

Except grind.

And grind some more.

But that's besides the point.

At 12:04 PM, Blogger jasonx254 said...

Ok Dave, I think i speak for everyone when We would like to see your first post after the theme week to be dealing with the dumbass "MrExpert" via very amusing digestion via draconic consumption.

At 1:34 PM, Blogger Leut said...

Hmm...I really dont mean to be a pain. That being said, I've gone to Khazam at level 23 on SOME jobs and did just fine. But I also had LS parties that knew their shit. I knew my knew it well enough to do fine.

But I will agree with you that for would be a bit too early.

Now if you have a job at 75 that allows you to boost up abilities that you can use on a different job....say H2H, for instance...then 23 could be done on Monk.....barely.

Or you can solo with /DNC and use your band to boost the xp....

Screw it....I'm gonna go play on my PS3.

At 3:15 PM, Blogger Durrel said...

Well I've been inspired ot actually try FFXI for the first time (the fact that finding a free trial for the game has been a huge pain in the ass until fairly recently has something to do with that).

Quick Thoughts...Playonline

After that take all your initial thoughts about when you had to sit and update WoW forever..and apply to them what I am now sitting here doing (not to mention the download off Fileplanet took 5 hours). I just want to play the frakkin game >.<

At 3:40 PM, Blogger Durrel said...

Apparently updating the actual game is going to take 10 hours according to the's like Awesome in a Can, only, crappy :P

At 3:31 PM, Blogger The Ogre (aka, Matt) said...

You are going to share the stories of what you do to these people after you week is up, right?


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