Theme Week - Turnabout Part 5Okay, I'm going to ask a question here.
Have I done something to hurt you people? Have I wronged you in some way?
Are some of you perhaps practitioners of the dark arts?
Or avid hobbyists of the slightly dim arts?
I ask this because apparently you people have cursed me.
In the comments leading up to this week, several people mentioned me joining a n00b LS. That's a technical term meaning a linkshell full of retards.
We all laughed when you said it. Haha, [GM]Dave in an LS full of idiots and he can't do anything. Can't ban them. Can't feed them to Jormy.
I'm laughing on the inside.
Right next to the swirling vortex of hatred that is supposed to be my heart.
During one of my terrible, terrible, TERRIBLE Dunes parties, one of my party members asked me if I wanted to join his linkshell.
If I had spent any amount of time thinking about it, I might have asked how exactly a level 18 Warrior with no subjob had become a sackholder for an LS, but after hours of substandard parties, I wasn't exactly thinking straight.
Anyway, I said yes.
Part of me thought it would help out with the whole "new player perspective". Kind of like Jane Goodall going to live with the chimps.
Part of me apparently hates the other part of me.
I think it's my spleen. That guy has always been a troublemaker.
That boy just wasn't raised right.
See, that's funny because your spleen is on your left side. It's basically below your left lung.
Shut up. Let's see you make a funny spleen joke.
So, I say yes and, before I can come to my senses, the guy trades me a yellow linkpearl.
As in short bus yellow.
Then... Then I equipped the pearl.
Seriously, if I have offended any witches in the crowd, send me a message so I can apologize properly.
It was, without a doubt, the best simulation I have ever seen of stepping into a grade 6 classroom during recess time.
And all of your favorite n00b stereotypes were there.
The "I never read the manual" guy
Ikantreed>> How do you check your map?
Ikantreed>> I can't get out of North Sandy.
The "perpetually begging" guy
Havnogilz>> Can anyone spare a few thousand gil?
Havnogilz>> I need a new sword.
The "internet memes are always funny" guy
Rickroller>> Yo dawg, I heard you like swordz.
Rickroller>> So we put a sword in your sword...
Rickroller>> So you can sword while you sword.
The "I'm pretending to be a girl, but not fooling anyone" guy
Shim>> Oh, goodness.
Shim>> I just spilled lotion all over myself.
Shim>> It's so slippery.
The "only person dumb enough to actually fall for it" guy
Sukker>> I could help with that if you want.
Sukker>> I've got soft hands.
And my perosnal favorite of all the n00b linkshell stereotypes...
The "I'm level 23 and therefore an expert on the entire game" guy
You're all familiar with this guy. He reads the forums and considers himself an expert on every job class and every event.
He does not let his lack of experience or actual information get in his way.
He's got forum posts on his side.
Player>> Anyone know the best body armor for Dragoon at 75?
Player>> A friend wants to know.
MrExpert>> Oh, that'd be the Assault Jerkin.
MrExpert>> Everyone knows that.
Ten bonus points if you knew that answer was wrong.
Remember: if you keep track of your points over time, it really won't make a difference because I'm making this up as I go.
The expert loves being in n00b linkshells because it's the only place anyone will listen to him.
Now, I was listening to him.
And I couldn't do a damned thing about it.
Sure, I could just take off the pearl. I could be blissfully unaware of the ignorance he was spreading to newer players.
Player>> At what level should you head to Kazham?
MrExpert>> Level 23.
No, I couldn't do it. I just couldn't do it.
Not out of some sense of duty or altruism, mind you.
I couldn't do it because in two weeks, I'm going to have to deal with the retards he has so carefully cultivated. Fields and fields of morons running rampant through my game.
No thank you.
I don't think my liver could take it.
The only thing to do was stem the tide of brain damage at its source.
Usually, this would be simple to handle. A few minutes of witty banter followed by a scenic tour of Jormy's digestive track and problem solved.
Unfortunately, part of the curse is that I'm not allowed to use my GM powers or hungry purple dragon.
My only recourse was to reason with him.
... Yeah, that went about as well as you'd expect.
Maybe I could just offer the correct answer and that'd be the end of it.
Dave>> Actually, it'd be best if you waited until level 25.
Dave>> You're a Monk, so you'd probably have trouble at 23.
Not so much.
MrExpert>> You don't know what you're talking about.
I've never seen irony so thick.
Dave>> You should stay in Qufim until 25.
Dave>> That's the best plan.
MrExpert>> No, no, no.
MrExpert>> Qufim is 17 to 22.
Qufim at 17...
This is like someone telling you you can get a driver's license at the age of 12.
I.E. very stupid.
Dave>> Mandies have high evasion.
Dave>> You're lucky if you hit them at 25.
MrExpert>> That's crazy.
Dave>> Then you should feel right at home.
MrExpert>> What do you know, n00b?
MrExpert>> You've been playing like what?
MrExpert>> 5 days?
Dammit, dammit, dammit.
My kingdom for a purple dragon.
Or an incendiary device.
It's kind of hard to argue with an incendiary device.
Not impossible, but it's hard to enjoy your victory as the flesh is burned from your body.
Unfortunately, since I have neither of those things, there really wasn't a lot I could do.
Not for a few days at least.
I argued with him for another few minutes, but soon realized it was ultimately futile. Just like his junior high teachers, I understood that he could not be taught.
Instead, I jotted his name down on the growing list next to my monitor.
The very long list.
I could probably just save time by making a list of the people I'm not going to ban.
It'd sure be a hell of a lot shorter.