Wednesday, April 01, 2009

International "Be An Asshole" Day!

Can someone explain something to me?

Why in the hell are we still doing April Fool's Day.

I'm being serious here. I think it's safe to say that we've worn this damned holiday into the ground.

April Fool's Day is supposed to be a day of subtle and witty humor. A day full of misdirection and trickery.

It is not a day for you to be an absolute asshole.

That's every other day.

Somewhere along the way, we seem to have lost the spark that defined this day. People used to be inspired to creativity and intelligence.

The following are not creative or subtle April Fool's Day pranks:

Ha ha! I punched you in the groin!

Ha ha! I took your insulin!

Ha ha! Now, you're pregnant!

These are not pranks. These are you being a dick and thinking that that's funny.

The entire point of April FOOL's Day is that you are supposed to FOOL someone. You're supposed to create a situation in which they believe something that is not true.

They're supposed to feel FOOLish.

It's in the damned name, people.

They're not supposed to be injured, humiliated, or bleeding.

You've sort of missed the point.

No, now people think April 1st means you can do whatever the hell you want as long as someone else gets the crap kicked out of them. Kick him in the face, throw a bucket of water on him, and then toss in some antiquing for good measure.

Truly, sir. You are a comedic genius.

And if it's not beating the shit out of someone, it's making up the most obviously fake news story and acting as if everyone hasn't already figured it out before you're even finished talking.

Do you know the most annoying place in the world on April Fool's Day?

The internet.

Don't get me wrong. I love the internet.

We're very close.

But April 1st is the one day of the year that I can't stand reading anything on the internet. I just feel like turning off my computer and going outside.

Yeah, you heard me. OUTSIDE.

I know.

Now, you're probably thinking that this sounds like my perfect holiday. A day dedicated to screwing with others just sounds damned near perfect for me, doesn't it?

I'll give you that.

Then again, I screw with people every day.

It's just such a pain in the ass to try and actually read any of my favorite news sites when I'm hip deep in obviously fake bullshit.

Oh, hey... Warner Bros bought the Pirate Bay...

That seems perfectly reasonable. Let me just click on that link.

Oh, it was an April Fool's Day joke. Man, you really had me going there for a minute.


We all get it, okay? We know it's April 1st and there's going to be fake news.

There is, however, a difference between FUNNY fake news and the majority of what people put up today.

Jon Stewart... Funny.

Stephen Colbert... Funny.

Your story about Dane Cook starring in the next Star Wars movie... Not funny.

It takes a very special kind of humor to craft an April Fool's joke that is:

a) creative

b) intelligent

c) not annoying as F&%@

I'm not saying that you're not funny. I'm just saying that there's a pretty good chance your joke isn't THAT funny.

You'll notice that I didn't even bother with an April Fool's joke.

I totally could have. I could have put up this huge post about hate mail or quitting the blog or Susan dying.

But I didn't.


Because it wouldn't have been funny.

Three words in, 95% of you guys would have said "Yeah, yeah. April Fool's. Whatever." Then, you'd have to read the rest of the post that isn't even remotely funny if you know it's not true.

We're so jaded at this point that it's not even worthwhile putting a joke up. The majority of us took everything they heard or read today as being an April Fool's joke.

You know it's true. Your best friend could have called you to tell you that your mom just died and you would have called bullshit on him.

Ironically, this only becomes funny if she actually did die.

Otherwise, it's just sad.

Honestly, if I ever decide to turn to a life of crime (which is always a viable career option), I would commit all of my crimes on April 1st. You'd never get caught because no one would believe any of the witnesses.

"Uh huh. Yeah... Robbing the bank... He's got a gun... Suuurrrrrrreeeee."

We're all over it. We've grown beyond finding any of these jokes even remotely funny. We're so far beyond it that we readily assume anything you say today is an absolute lie.

You actually have to prove it's not a joke.

And none of it is funny anymore.

At best, we can muster up a half-hearted pity laugh before we look upon you with disdain.

How about next year, we just forget the whole thing and not even bother? We'll all get up, go to work, and just pretend it's like any other day.

Maybe it's time we all grew up a little bit.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go play video games until I fall asleep.


At 7:30 PM, Blogger matt said...

true that, but I did like Gmail's bit about autoreplying to spam for you

At 7:46 PM, Blogger Kahsha said...

I'm having your baby.

At 7:51 PM, Blogger chris said...

So yeah... we actually did something that was funny and creative. See with april fools you have to think big. You can't pull out the obviously fake without putting some credibility behind it. Now our original plan was altered by a last minute "adjustment" by my boss.

The plan: Trick elder co worker into thinking EVERYONE (save for one employee) called out sick or absent for whatever reason. The original plan was that we would all call out for whatever odd reason and then my boss would call in and act suprised to know everyone was out when he called to "check up" on how the morning was going.

Here's where he altered it. He called ahead of us and had alerted our elderly co-worker to the fact that me, and two other guys at work were on Double secret probation (this went over his head). He began to ask why. My boss explained that he caught all three of us in a nefarious sexual love triangle in the back room. And our other coworker, well she just liked to watch.

At first he questioned the reality of this event but my boss had said to him we might not come in out of embarassment or something of the sort. Well... when the calls started to come in he was made a believer! He actually called his wife and pastor to arrange counseling!

At the "bell" (9:00am) we all walked in the back door and came up and yelled april fools. He started laughing and told us what my boss had done (we didn't know!) to spice up the prank. It was damned funny.

At 8:56 PM, Blogger Daniel said...

Some people at my sisters' work did thinks like shrink wrap offices and stuff. So yeah, I get what you mean about people being assholes.

Blizzard, on the other hand, has done some clever shit for April Fools' every year. They actually put work into it. Go check their site, granted, none of it is believable (they tricked me once...) but it's funny and kind of cool.

At 10:16 PM, Blogger Ricardo said...

That there's no april fool's joke or Dave not being an asshole is this year's real april fools joke

At 10:35 PM, Blogger Tyler said...

I found this year had some fairly humorous pranks. I pranked my parents into thinking I had a final exam yesterday and I totally missed it. Then my parents pranked me into thinking our basement (ie: my half of the house) flooded. I believed them because we do get water in our house this time of the year. Also, I pranked several of my friends by saying that I actually loved WoW and thought it was a good game.

At 3:16 AM, Blogger Maki said...

Yesterday on April fool's day...I got in a T-bone accident...yup...I'm laughing now....

At 7:02 AM, Blogger Ness said...

I thought I would never be happy staying at home becouse of ilness... Well guess again...

At 10:09 AM, Blogger MinorAgentofChaos said...

So here...the local college newspaper (um, Columbus OH -- Ohio State -- not that local -- okay, bordering on NATIONAL) decided to run a front page story about Ohio finally lowering the drinking age to 18.

Considering that there's been lobbyists for this and several such bills introduced into our state legislature, this isn't farfetched.

You don't find out until you actually read the story all the way thru to its very last sentence -- and a lengthy boring realistic story it is -- that the tale's an April Fools.

Talk about frakkin' irresponsible. Sure, I read the story to the full end...but I'm an old person who's a compulsive reader. Most people skim the headlines, if that.

"Hey! You just wound up arrested for underage drinking because of our story! April Fools!"


At 6:16 AM, Blogger Katami said...

"Maybe it's time we all grew up a little bit.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go play video games until I fall asleep."

When I grow up, I wanna be a [GM]Katami! I hope that's not a joke for fools... 'cause I'd prefer to fool myself into believing it's true.


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