Bannable Offenses

Putting Words In My Mouth

You know... I never actually said that I didn't play any April Fool's pranks this year.

A lot of people assumed that. Something about losing faith in my lack of humanity...

Not so much.

If you look again, I was simply pointing out that we've lost that spark, that sizzle that made April Fool's pranks worth it in the first place.

Sure... I could have walked up to my best friend, said look up, and then kicked him in the balls.

I've done that many times.

His birthday was the funniest.

But, if I'm going to be presenting this to the world as a whole as a prank that's worth them watching, I've got to do more.

You guys deserve nothing less.

That's what got me so mad in the first place. Every damned website was riddled with hundreds of completely unfunny pranks.

No, I had to go beyond.

Thus, I spent weeks crafting the perfect pranks to play on all of my friends. Like Batman, I spent countless hours researching my friends and determining their weaknesses.

I'd like to say that I felt some guilt while doing it.

I'd like to. It'd probably mean I still had some scrap of decency to hold onto, some final vestige of conscience that would mean I could still be saved from an eternity of hellfire.

Apparently not.

It's fine. I've heard it's a dry heat.

I decided to start with one of the guy's from work. Most of the guys I work with are at least acceptable as coworkers. They're generally good guys.

Not Phil.

Phil is pretty much universally hated by everyone. I'm not really sure why, but I think it might have something to do with him being a total douchebag. He constantly has to tell us just how much better he is than the rest of us. He even goes so far as to stand behind people and tell them how to do their own job.

Just so you know, a good April Fool's joke can also be used to dole out karmic retribution. FYI.

The most important thing to know about Phil is that he is very serious about his reports. He is meticulous in his paperwork and always hand delivers it to our supervisor.

On Wednesday, an extra sheet of paper might have "accidentally" found it's way into one of his reports.

That sheet of paper may or may not have contained a photoshopped image of Phil giving new meaning to the term "customer service".

I have no idea how that happened.

Next was Brad.

Brad is the kind of guy who can really take a joke well.

Also, he's relatively slow which means I could probably outrun him if necessary.

There are few things Brad loves more than his Xbox. He spends so much time with that thing you'd think it was an artificial respirator.

And by that I mean he's hooked up to it and gives him the semblance of a life.

Bah dump pssshhhhhh!

Thus, the best way to break him would be through his Xbox.

While he was at work, I snuck into his house and, using a variety of YouTube vids and modding pages, I swapped the green power LEDs for red ones. Then, all I did was replace his harddrive with an empty shell I had purchased very cheaply.

Boom. Homemade Red Ring of Death.

I knew his warranty had lapsed and that he couldn't afford to get the thing repaired.

The hardest part was not laughing when he called me freaking out. I mean, the guy was having a fit. He was sobbing uncontrollably while rambling on and on about losing all of his data.

I probably should have felt bad.

Yeah, I didn't think that sounded like me either.

Finally, when it came to Susan, I had a lot of options to choose from.

My first instinct was to fake an affair, but that would probably be going way too far. It's hard to tell, but I think that crosses a line somewhere.

Plus, if I do ever happen to have an affair, I at least want to be surprised by her reaction.

Kidding, kidding.

When it came down to it, I knew my wife's biggest weakness was FFXI.

Who would have guessed, right?

One of the things that bugs Susan the most is how people treat female gamers in general and Mithras in particular. Basically, Mithras are constant targets for unwanted sexual advances and obscene messages.

She hates that so much. She'd probably have switched races long ago if she didn't love being a Mithra so much.

That made it all the funnier when I changed her race to Taru.

It really wasn't that hard. I didn't even have to use my GM powers. All I did was copy some files from one folder to another and she logs in as a male Taru.

Actually, it was pretty easy. About as easy as using custom skins to replace equipment.

I know that because the next thing I did was replace every Mithra equipment file with a custom nude skin I found on a modding site.

I have no idea why someone would take the time to make such a file, but it came in handy.

Then again, that's probably why they made it.

There's a pun in there somewhere, but you probably shouldn't look for it.

There's really nothing funnier than watching someone who has such a strong opinion about the proud and noble Mithra logging into a world where she's a Taru and every Mithra is running around stark naked.

Boobs as far as the eye could see.

She, however, did not find it so funny.

On a related note, I found out that I can easily outrun my wife.

See, April Fool's Day is supposed to be about raising the bar. It's supposed to be about carefully crafting a prank of truly epic proportions designed to break the human soul.

What can I say? It's a skill.

posted by Goblin Smithy @ 5:25 PM