Sunday, January 11, 2009

Best Foot Forward

Given the fact that my performance record is not the best, I decided perhaps I should try and earn some brownie points today.

I'm not going to go into great detail, but my last evaluation involved restraints and a tranquilizer.

Can I help you with anything else today?

Kill a few people and suddenly you're labeled.

No, literally. My file has a big red label on it.

I probably should have been fired by now.

I think they're scared of me.

Anyway, because I have grown accustomed to such luxuries as rent and food, I felt it might be a good idea to at least get a couple of good reports in that file.

Seriously. Big red label.

This morning... This morning, I did something unthinkable.

Something crazy.

I... I went to work and... And...

And I didn't drink.

Did you know it doesn't usually take three tries to log in?


So, I log in and wait for the first GM call. I mean I was hovering over my keyboard waiting.

One of the big things on the GM survey is how quickly a GM responded.

Yes, the GM call queue already had like two hundred calls waiting.

Not my problem.

If the first guy has been waiting for three hours, then that shit gets blamed on me.

Oh, hell no.


Excellent. A new call.

GM Call Description: Velocious Belt Stolen

Oh lord.

Here's the short version: Velocious Belt is Rare/Ex.

Therefore, it cannot be "stolen".

What actually happened was he was in a group and someone else in the group lotted on the belt and won.

Now, he was bitching because he really wanted the belt.

Here's the shorter version: I fed him to Jormy.

Eh, my file is pretty full.

What's one more?

So, I moved on to the next call.

This was going to be the one. I could feel it.

GM Call Description: Ripped off by casino! HELP!

So, I moved on to the next call.

This was going to be the one. I could feel it.

GM Call Description: Overbid on item!

So, I moved...


A lot of people got eaten by Jormy today.

I had to get a good call eventually, right?


Yeah. That was what I was thinking, too.

I was just starting to wonder at exactly what point my file would become a binder, when I say another call pop up in the queue.

GM Call Description: Stuck behind a table. Can't move.

All of this not drinking must have been going to my head.

That looked like an actual GM call.

I pounced on my keyboard. This guy was going to get the best service I had ever provided a player.


The bar wasn't set very high, I know.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you're stuck behind a table.
Player>> Yeah...
Player>> I don't know how it happened.

Don't say "Because you walked behind a freaking table."

Don't say "Because you're retarded."

[GM]Dave>> Oh, I know.
[GM]Dave>> Happens all the time.

Make up some words.

[GM]Dave>> It's a clipping issue.

That sounded good.

Player>> Will it take long to get me out?

Don't say "That's what I told your mom."

This is hard.

[GM]Dave>> Not at all, sir.
[GM]Dave>> It should only take a moment or two.

Quick! Fake sympathy!

[GM]Dave>> I apologize for the inconvenience.
Player>> Oh, it's not your fault.
Player>> I feel so stupid right now.

Don't say "Feel?"

Don't say "Now?"

You know, binders are kind of nice. Very organized.

[GM]Dave>> Don't say that.

You'll notice I didn't say he was wrong.

[GM]Dave>> Okay, your screen will go black for a second.
[GM]Dave>> Then you'll be fine.
Player>> Thank you so much.
Player>> You've been so nice.
[GM]Dave>> I try, I try.

A few button presses later and he was free.

That wasn't so bad. I just had to listen to that little voice that I usually ignore.

It's easier to ignore when it's muffled by a nice layer of alcohol.

You know, I could probably do this more often. He wasn't that bad of a guy and I felt it went really well.

With a new sense of purpose and faith in humanity, I started to log out.

Player>> Oh...
Player>> Oh crap.
Player>> Could you help me again?
[GM]Dave>> Did you have another problem.
Player>> Yeah...
Player>> I'm stuck behind the table again.
[GM]Dave>> The table?
[GM]Dave>> The same table?
Player>> Yeah.
Player>> I wanted to see if it would work again.
Player>> And now I'm stuck.

You know, binders get a bad rap.


At 7:20 PM, Blogger RSS adder said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At 7:21 PM, Blogger RSS adder said...

Haha, at least you can say you tried right?


Don't think of the binder as a number of problems, think of it as the number of solutions. Do other GMs have large binders? No, case in point.

At 7:33 PM, Blogger hockeymaniac2 said...

LOL, I would've started asking him for the form 34-A :P

At 6:11 AM, Blogger Karunkun Gwarov al-Fenriri said...

You know, I had a friend who was stuck in a cutscene that didn't load and I had to call the GM for him... after he was released, he went right back and triggered it again. Fortunately he just logged off and tried again in a few days, when it was no longer an issue.

At 7:44 AM, Blogger Dibble said...

I got stuck going into a Zilart Mission CS in Delkfutt's Tower. My avatar vanished but the cutscene didn't kick off. I just force DCed and when I logged back in the cutscene ran just fine.

However, when you fix it yourself these things go unreported.

At 11:46 AM, Blogger Kyle said...




At 9:39 PM, Blogger Tyler said...

I got stuck going into a Zilart Mission CS in Delkfutt's Tower. My avatar vanished but the cutscene didn't kick off.
Same thing happened to me. I, on the other hand, called a GM and was promptly helped.

At 8:23 AM, Blogger Kevin G. said...

I know this might be a little old i remeber when GM Dave first started this blog i had just join a HNM LS and we fought Juggy and well i remember thinking to my self that day "/shout GM DAVE why........... we wanted to kill dragon"......
anyhows yay ^^

At 1:38 PM, Blogger Yotevol said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At 1:40 PM, Blogger Yotevol said...

[GM] Dave,
I can't express the amusement that your blogs bring me. It also brings light to the pitifully boring day that is my job. You represent the desires that I feel when I encouter the mass quantities of unfathomable depths of stupidity in this game. So far, each blog I have read has resulted in the result of one less moron on the server- and in some cases, several!

Yes, you are a wise and powerful God. Merciful? I seriously doubt that, but still, you are a Just God. Who knows, maybe the throng of masses may be sitting at a table saying your name before dinner.

All I can say is, keep up the good work. Having made only about ten GM calls in the six years I have been playing, I nearly lost all hope on GMs. Thank you for restoring my faith (sarcasm NOT included in this statement).
I look forward to NOT meeting you in game, because I know I'll probably be banned for something stupid that slips out. Give someone enough rope, we all inevitably hang ourselves as dragon bait for Jormy.



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