Bannable Offenses

Bios Ex Machina

So, I was fixing up my new laptop. Since it was just a burnt out harddrive, I figured it would be an easy enough fix.

I mean, I've got boxes of various computer parts all over my house. As someone who expects shit to break on a regular basis, I just keep everything so I'll always have a spare.

Don't tell Susan, but I've got a spare wife hidden in the attic.

You know... Just in case.

It only took me a few minutes to find a spare laptop drive, so it looked like it was going to be a quick switch out and I'm done.

Do you know what's funny? I'm always wrong when I think that.

It's not "Haha" funny.

It's more like "I'm going to stab someone in the neck" funny.

A lot of stuff is funny like that.

I cracked the laptop open (not literally) and had the drive switched out in a manner of minutes.

That was easy.

I turned the thing on and waited for it to boot.

Instinctively, I closed my eyes and waited for the sound of metal scraping metal as this drive died too.

Nope.

Harddrive worked just fine.

Hey... Maybe this wasn't going to be so bad.

Pop in a Windows disk and set it to install.

Install goes fine.

I know. I was as surprised as you are.

Given my track record, I was fully expecting the laptop to explode and lodge a RAM chip in my brain or something.

I wasn't even bleeding yet.

Reboot again and the laptop opens on a fresh and clean desktop.

Beautiful.

Honestly, the whole thing went as smooth as silk. I can't even believe how easy that...

Wait.

Why isn't the touchpad working?

Oh, oh. Maybe it was a driver thing. I better check in the device manager and see if the driver needs updating.

Huh.

There was no touchpad listed.

My new laptop was trying to tell me that it doesn't have a touchpad.

I found this very strange as I could actually see the touchpad.

At this point, I decided my laptop is a damned liar.

I then tried to reason with the laptop.

[GM]Dave>> It's right there.
[GM]Dave>> RIGHT FREAKING THERE!

No luck. Apparently, laptops are impervious to logic.

It must be a woman.

That was a joke. Stop writing hate mail.

So, now I had a laptop with no touchpad.

Actually, I had a laptop that said it had no touchpad.

I was a little unsure of how to handle the situation. My usual tactic of feeding whatever is aggravating me to the nearest dragon did not seem to apply.

Though, that might make a nice plan B.

Falling back on my years of computer experience, I decided it was probably a bios problem.

In case you didn't get that from the title.

I immediately rebooted it and hit the key to get into the bios.

Strangely, it didn't take me to a bios menu.

Instead, this weird message popped up.

Something about a bios password.

Damn.

Honestly, I was starting to wonder if the damned thing was just screwing with me.

In my haste to rescue this poor, poor laptop from the brink of destruction, I had failed to ask if he had put in a bios password.

I decided to see if it was something obvious.

Password?

Nope. Not password.

Bios?

No.

12345?

Nope. Though that's the combination on my luggage.

Do you know what's really funny? Manufacturers who give you three chances and then boot you out of the menu anyway.

Ha freakin' ha.

Hours later, I still had not found the password and was honestly considering just jamming a butterknife under the CMOS battery.

I'm not sure if I was hoping to reset the password or possibly electrocute myself.

At that point, it really was a toss up.

This is when Susan suggested we just use a USB mouse.

I suggested that we might as well live in a cave and cook our food over an open fire.

Susan suggested I sleep on the couch.

This morning, tired and broken, I stumbled into work.

I didn't even bother heading toward my desk for my morning drink. I went straight to the guy's section and waited for him to show up.

There are few things worse than finding a tired, angry [GM]Dave waiting for you when you get to work.

A tired, angry, SOBER [GM]Dave is one of them.

[GM]Dave>> Bios...
[GM]Dave>> Password...
[GM]Dave>> Now.
Guy>> Shit, man.
Guy>> You look like hell.
[GM]Dave>> Bios...
[GM]Dave>> Password...
[GM]Dave>> Now.
Guy>> Oh... Password...
Guy>> Uhh...
[GM]Dave>> Bios...
Guy>> I get it, I get it.
Guy>> What was that password again?

Apparently, the look in my eye must have frightened him because his mind instantly kicked into high gear.

Guy>> Oh, the bios password...
Guy>> Puppy.
[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry.
[GM]Dave>> What?
Guy>> Well, when I got the laptop...
Guy>> My girlfriend and I had just got this new puppy.
[GM]Dave>> Your password...
[GM]Dave>> Was puppy?
Guy>> Yeah.
Guy>> Man, I miss that dog.
Guy>> He used to do the cutest thin...

I didn't quite catch the next few words.

Probably had something to do with my hands being around his throat.

Probably.

posted by Goblin Smithy @ 11:50 AM