... Whut?I'm not sure exactly when society went insane.
When I was a kid, TV shows were normal. We had Astroboy (the good one), Transformers (the good one), and GI Joe (the good one).
Oh, and Centurions. I friggin' loved Centurions.
Even kids shows were pretty good. Remember Teddy Ruxpin? That show was awesome.
Then, when I had my own child, I had to start watching what passes for children's television today.
See, I had prepared myself. I was ready for the Barney videos and the Teletubbies.
Most of the people I knew with kids started warning me about how stupid these shows were. I was ready to ban the damned shows all together until they told me how they can calm kids down.
Grudgingly, I decided to give them a chance.
We had our alliance... For as long as such a thing can last.
Honestly, after watching the shows, I wasn't that upset.
Sure, the shows were apparently designed by people with severe brain damage, but I could understand why they would be interesting for a kid.
Or a guy on acid.
So, I felt I was adequately prepared for children's programming.
I was... Wrong.
My daughter's current favorite show is an abomination called In The Night Garden.
I can only assume that the creation of this show involved several pentagrams drawn in human blood.
I know, I know. It's unfair of me to assume like that.
It could have been goat's blood.
This show... This show is pure evil.
Just watching it makes me want to stick my finger in through my eye and swirl my brain around.
You probably think I'm exaggerating.
Trust me. I am not.
The main characters are possibly the most frightening things you will see on television.
Because I believe in educating you (and because I'm a cruel, cruel man)...
This is Iggle Piggle.
Hey, do you know the only thing worse than a Teletubby?
A teletubby with a brain tumor.
Look at his friggin' head. I'm just waiting for the episode where House shows up and tries to figure out what the hell is wrong with this guy.
Just looking at him freaks me the hell out.
This is Upsy Daisy.
Boss, we have to create another character for this show.
How about Little Nancy the Burn Victim?
... I'll figure it out.
I'm sure the character has a sort of Raggedy Ann quality, but I don't remember Raggedy Ann requiring several skin grafts.
How could this show get any worse? They'd have to create a character composed entirely out of human feces.
This is Makka Pakka.
No, your eyes are not mistaken.
He looks like a pile of shit.
What else do I really have to say?
So, we have a guy with elephantitis, the poster child for fire safety, and something that could only be enjoyed by two girls and a cup.
Yeah... That sounds like good programming.
Hey, maybe we should throw in a bunch of inbred, children of the corn, mutant kids in the mix.
I'm not even making this up.
You'd think there was no way on the planet any child could possibly enjoy this freaking show.
Oh hell no.
This shit is like baby crack. As soon as it comes on, she just stops whatever she's doing and sits there staring.
I've actually stopped a few times to make sure she's breathing.
I'd turn it off, but it makes her so happy.
And quiet. Did I mention the quiet?
As much as I hate this freakin' show, after enough hours of sleep deprivation, you'll take any quiet you can get.
Plus, this is a lot easier than slipping her Nyquil.