Tuesday, October 28, 2008

LOOK IT UP!

People amaze me.

Do you know the first thing most players do when faced with a problem?

Anyone with half a brain would know the answer is "look in the damned manual".

That's why it's there. It's full of useful information.

Would you be at all surprised to know that most players don't bother?

Of course you wouldn't.

Rather than trying to figure out the answer to a problem, the first thing they do is send a GM call.

They don't even bother to check the internet.

THE INTERNET!

You know between the countless porn sites, there's actually some useful stuff on there.

No?

Okay then. You better hurry up and make that completely retarded GM call then.

I do so love those.

I realize my job description includes helping players. My supervisor keeps mentioning it at those silly "performance reviews".

And "disciplinary meetings".

Man, he really needs to get over that.

Just because I'm supposed to help players doesn't mean I'm your personal wikipedia or anything.

See, I'm supposed to help people with real problems.

They get stuck behind a table? I'm there.

Someone steals their sword or whatever? Sure. Why not?

You haven't been eaten by a dragon recently? I'm on it.

It is not part of my job to help you:

a) save time by looking it up for you

b) continue being retarded

I'm not an enabler.

So, when you send that moronic GM call, you're really not giving me much of an option. You're risking my job security by asking me to do things that fall outside my regular duties.

At least... That's what I say at those "disciplinary meetings".

This morning, I was at my desk working on some important reports.

Red six on a black seven...

What? Like you've never done it before.

I'm just about to finish when...

*DING*

Yay. A player making a GM call.

Woo...

...

... Hoo.

You never know though. Maybe this would be a really good call that would make it all worthwhile.

GM Call Description: Cavernous Maw not working. Stuck.

So... No then.

Yeah.

For those of you unfamiliar with the Wings of the Goddess expansion, it included several portals known as Cavernous Maws that could transport you to the past.

Sounds awesome, right?

I know.

Here's the thing though. When you try to leave the past, it spits you out a random Maw. That's the only maw you can use until you unlock another one.

Unfortunately, due to a lack of attention or an excess of inbreeding, many players neglect to learn this important fact. They go back to the same Maw they used the first time and it doesn't work anymore.

We get calls about this every day.

EVERY.

DAY.

Google it. I dare you.

If you even bother, you'll learn all of this in a matter of seconds.

Apparently, some players can't afford to waste those precious seconds.

These must be the same retards who eat Gamer Grub.

Seriously, how valuable is your time? You're sitting in the middle of a random area trying to get to the past.

I'm sure you can take a minute.

Hell, Marty McFly took time to play guitar at a high school dance. I think you'll be safe if you log out for a minute to check Google.

We'll try and hold the servers together while you're gone.

Anyway, now I'm stuck dealing with someone too stupid to use Google.

Think about that. Too stupid to use Google.

The mind reels.

Still, he's going to keep making calls if someone doesn't talk to him. Someone had better get on that.

Somebody...

Anybody...

...

Crap.

I log in and warp to his position. Sure enough, he's standing in front of the Cavernous Maw clicking on it repeatedly.

You know what works? Clicking on it three thousand times.

Idiot.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you're having trouble getting to the past.
Player>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> Have you properly calibrated your Flux Capacitor?
[GM]Dave>> Those things can be tricky.
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> Try downloading new drivers.
Player>> What are you talking about?
[GM]Dave>> Time travel.
[GM]Dave>> Duh.
[GM]Dave>> How else would you get to the past?
Player>> Well, you're supposed to click on these things.
[GM]Dave>> Woah, woah, woah.
[GM]Dave>> Slow down there, Doc Brown.
[GM]Dave>> Click what on the who now?
Player>> I was here yesterday.
Player>> I clicked on this spot.
Player>> Then, I went to the past.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Sir, are you on any medications I should know about?
Player>> Are you going to help me or not?
[GM]Dave>> Probably not.
[GM]Dave>> That seems to be a running theme with me.
Player>> Can I speak to another GM please?
[GM]Dave>> No problem.
[GM]Dave>> Would you like one from the past or the future?
Player>> Uhh...
Player>> The future I guess.
[GM]Dave>> Okay.
[GM]Dave>> Hold on one second.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> How can I help you today?
Player>> I said I wanted to speak to another GM.
[GM]Dave>> You are.
Player>> Huh?
[GM]Dave>> This is future me.
[GM]Dave>> You were talking to past me.
Player>> I'm... I'm a little confused.
[GM]Dave>> Only a little?
[GM]Dave>> That must be a good day for you.
Player>> I asked to speak with a GM from the future.
[GM]Dave>> I am a GM from the future.
Player>> I don't understand.
[GM]Dave>> Well, you know how you were talking to me?
[GM]Dave>> Like a minute ago?
Player>> Yeah...
[GM]Dave>> That was past me.
Player>> How do you get a "past you"?
[GM]Dave>> Well, that was the past.
[GM]Dave>> I thought that part was pretty self-explanatory.
Player>> But I want to speak to someone else.
[GM]Dave>> I am someone else.
Player>> No, you're not.
[GM]Dave>> Sure, I am.
[GM]Dave>> Would I lie to you?
Player>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Yeah, I probably would.
Player>> Can I speak to another GM please?
Player>> PLEASE?
[GM]Dave>> No problem.
[GM]Dave>> Would you like one from the past or the future?
Player>> PAST!
[GM]Dave>> Are you sure?
[GM]Dave>> I know this guy from the future...
[GM]Dave>> He's a little annoying, but...
Player>> No, thank you.
Player>> Past please.
[GM]Dave>> Okay.
[GM]Dave>> Unfortunately, you can only get a past GM...
[GM]Dave>> By going to the past.
Player>> And how do I do that?
[GM]Dave>> Well, you're supposed to click on these things.
Player>> THAT'S NOT WORKING.
Player>> THAT'S WHY I CALLED YOU.
[GM]Dave>> Oh...
Player>> Is there anything else I can do?
[GM]Dave>> Well...
[GM]Dave>> Have you properly calibrated your Flux Capacitor?

He logged out after that.

I was sad. I didn't even get a chance to yell "1.21 GIGAWATTS!"

So, to save himself the trouble of spending one minute looking something up, he wasted five minutes talking to me.

And then several days or weeks trying to get his credit report straightened out.

That reminds me... Note to self: destroy player's credit.

I'm not wikipedia. I'm not.

Stop asking me stupid questions.

I apologize if this doesn't apply to you. Everyone knows the majority of gamers are actually very intelligent people.*

* Citation needed.

28 Comments:

At 8:45 PM, Blogger R_Mc said...

Morons



FIRST

 
At 8:46 PM, Blogger Darlithia said...

Yes and amazingly the Wiki that's made by players still manages to be a myth by half the community or more.

 
At 12:23 AM, Blogger Vagu'Stae said...

The fact that a lot of people don't look stuff up and/or take criticism is like one of the bigges things I complain about. Lol.

"You haven't been eaten by a dragon recently? I'm on it."
^ Made of win.

 
At 12:40 AM, Blogger Nicecharsy said...

i'm a little confused.

Only a little? This must be a good day for you



I laughed out loud. I live in the land of confusion.

 
At 1:10 AM, Blogger Jedi said...

I guess they don't want to log out of the game to look up the info, so they make a call...

Well they can annoy the GM's or they can log and look it up, or they can do what I did, build a second computer. If I need to look something up, BAM! There it is and it plays DVDs too! I built it out of old parts I had laying around, best idea I ever had... sadly...

 
At 1:55 AM, Blogger Jacopo said...

this would happen SO much less if FF allowed alt-tab.

that said, gj as usual [GM]Dave!

 
At 2:38 AM, Blogger Dyamalos said...

There are several ways to alt-tab. Some work really well, the other is actually legal.

That being said, I'm sure someone in his LS new what was going on, so ether he didn't have any friends, or he only friends idiots like himself.

 
At 7:13 AM, Blogger Bufuman said...

Yeah, a linkshell would've been a viable source of info. My linkshell is usually the first place I ask any questions I have, and they're a very helpful bunch.

 
At 8:37 AM, Blogger Fulluphigh said...

I know it's not your job to implement game design, Davey boy, but if Square would get over themselves and allow a simple function like Alt-tab or window mode, people might feel more compelled to look it up.

Logging out, looking something up, and logging back in, especially if you have a less then optimal computer, is very tedious, especially when your playing something that tends to be as tedious as MMO's do.


Don't get me wrong. You're still a fucking idiot if you make a GM call for it. Don't have a linkshell? Then fucking ask somebody else. Like the not-idiot who was standing next to you a moment ago, and just went back in time.

 
At 11:35 AM, Blogger Mil'bereth said...

I'm sorry, I don't normally post here, infact this is my first. However, after seeing the stupidity here I had to say something. Do any of you even play FFXI? Did you not know that SE has implemented a windower after 6 years of people bitching? You turn it on, and then you just minimize or shrink your screen if you want to look something up. You don't even need to log out...

 
At 1:44 PM, Blogger Leut said...

[quote=Jacopo]
this would happen SO much less if FF allowed alt-tab.[/quote]

SE has a windower option now. Alt-tab works just fine if you have it enabled.

 
At 1:47 PM, Blogger Leut said...

[quote=Fulluphigh said...
I know it's not your job to implement game design, Davey boy, but if Square would get over themselves and allow a simple function like Alt-tab or window mode, people might feel more compelled to look it up.

Logging out, looking something up, and logging back in, especially if you have a less then optimal computer, is very tedious, especially when your playing something that tends to be as tedious as MMO's do. [/quote]

^
|
epic fail

 
At 3:07 PM, Blogger Wavrik said...

One reason I play on PS2. Can run over and get info while healing or in a battle if I'm on monk or doing etc. SE has prolly done good on the windower for the windows version of FFXI. Prolly helped those who TOO DUMB TO NOT CALL A GM FOR INFO!!!

 
At 3:28 PM, Blogger Hulyen said...

Serious wtf at people bitching about not being able to alt-tab.

Apparently they never looked up the solution to THIER problem on the SE site!

 
At 4:31 PM, Blogger RurouniZanza said...

I can't believe people still don't know about SE's new Windower program they made... Especially after I made a comment about it not that long ago in this same Blog.

Regardless, 4 possibilities:

1~He was playing from a console and does not have a computer at home, hence couldn't look it up online.

2~ Didn't know about windowers (Let it be legal or illegal).

3~ Has no friends and/or no LS.

4~ Simply has no common sense or common courtesy towards the Hard working GM's *Cough*.

I say he deserves at least a temp ban for any of those four options anyways.

 
At 4:55 PM, Blogger Yensil blogs again! said...

I thought you had to get your chocobo up to 88mph.

 
At 5:07 PM, Blogger Malicious said...

GM Dave,

The other day I was traveling through Qufim Island to Outpost warp to Sandy. I just happened to be on 75THF/37NIN and was just about to warp when I get a /tell.

Player> Hey you look rich gimme gil.
Me> warp
Me> Excuse me?
Player> You’re a 75Thf so you’re rich gimme some gils
Me> Ohh OK how about 100k will that be enough
Player> Yes, Please
Me> Ok I ma in Sandy at the moment. I will send it through the mail can you go check your mailbox?
Player> In a party can it wait?
Me> not really I need to make sure you get it before I log out.
Player> ok let me dump this party I need new gear anyway.
Me> Ok I’ll wait

Of course I didn’t send him a dime…. 10 min later

Player> its not in my mailbox
Me> Well zone out then back in.
Player> Still nothing
Me> Hmm. … try it from a different zone.
Player> nope…..
Me> Try logging out then back in
Player> No nothing
Me> OK try logging out then reboot and then let me know.
Player> OK

Another 15 minutes go bye

Player> Nope nothing there.
Me> Did you cycle your router?
Player> NO should I have?
Me> yes got try that

Another 30 minutes go bye

Player> Nope nothing….
Me> well I think you need to contact a GM
Me> ask for the one with the purple pet dragon
Me> he has experience in dealing with these very situations.
Player> What do I tell them?
Me> Tell him you were getting a delivery from a RMT service and it got lost in the mail.
Player> OK
Me> Good night time to log… see you again

I thought of you the entire time Gm Dave…

 
At 6:30 PM, Blogger BenoSmash said...

http://justfuckinggoogleit.com

great site, I'd have it ready to copy/paste were I a GM and had to answer such repetitive questions all day long.

 
At 1:07 AM, Blogger Jedi said...

On the Alt-Tab/window thing, well I've only been in game for a little over two weeks and I'm still learning things. I looked up alt-tab in FFXI before I made my post. Also, the window mode, I tried it and the game looks crappy and does not run smoothly. So, a real alt-tab ability would be nice.

 
At 2:40 AM, Blogger RurouniZanza said...

So the Windower's program Alt-Tab isn't real?

... I'll be damned

Look, the Only differences between the unofficial windowers and the official SE one is that you can't screenshot the game by pressing the "print Screen button" on the official one, and also you can't use plug-in's and other crap on SE's

The quality is basically the same. One is legal and one is not.

If you have problems because the characters look "fatter" then change the screen resolution.

If it looks too dark, then change the gamma level in config.

 
At 5:56 AM, Blogger Sorvina said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 6:05 AM, Blogger Sorvina said...

[GM]Dave>> This is future me.
[GM]Dave>> You were talking to past me.
Player>> I'm... I'm a little confused.
[GM]Dave>> Only a little?
[GM]Dave>> That must be a good day for you.

Bwahahaha! Sarcasm FTW!



And to the few ppl who made the comments about Alt-Tab? Ummmm.....FFXI has it's own windower now.....did you not get the update?

It's been almost a year.

 
At 6:10 AM, Blogger Sorvina said...

Malicious said...



Me> Tell him you were getting a delivery from a RMT service and it got lost in the mail.
Player> OK


O.o That's effing great!

 
At 8:11 AM, Blogger Jakk Frost said...

Ok seriously, some people need to learn just how to use their computer, let alone the game.

You can't use printscreen, even with the legal FFXI windower?

S'funny, I have no problem doing that.

Y'know what works? Click on an empty spot on your task bar, so that you put the FFXI window into inactive status without putting another window over it. You can still see the FFXI screen, and hey, voila, printscreen works just fine.

On the topic of todays post. Y'know what I did when I decided to go to the past for the first time? Sat my ass down in Jeuno and alt-tabbed so I could allagooglepedia all the info I'd need to know before I set one (virtual) foot out the damn door...

 
At 10:09 AM, Blogger Kahsha said...

[GM]Dave,

Posts like this make me want to send you Wii points!

<3

 
At 7:50 PM, Blogger RurouniZanza said...

You got me on that one Jakk, never tried to do it while the page is inactive.

Will have to give it a try.

BTW, FFXIclopedia is your friend.

 
At 1:20 AM, Blogger Jacopo said...

sorry didn't know, i don't play FF and the last thing i knew was that windowers were still banned (from some post in this blog a long time ago :P)

 
At 3:20 PM, Blogger Carlos said...

I guess Im just a rare breed that tries to fix shit by myself before asking for help.. hahahha xD

 

Post a Comment

<< Home