Saturday, July 19, 2008

Verbatim

Before we get started, I should give you a little warning. This is the product of an actual conversation between a friend and I while we were drinking. Heavily.

Though the material discussed is of a fairly adult nature, I'm going to try and distill down the major points so the post should remain work safe. I am going to be using a few words that might throw up some flags so proceed at your own risk.

Also, though the material deals with the nature of sexuality, our discussion was purely theoretical and should not be taken as judgmental. I'm cool with everybody.

There. I think that covers all my bases.

Oh yeah... Don't do drugs.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


So last night, I went out drinking with my friend Brad.

Yes, the same Brad from my review of the movie Wanted.

I decided to continue being friends with Brad because:

a) very few people can actually stand my ranting

b) I routinely make poor decisions.

Anyway, we're drinking pretty heavy. I'm not sure exactly how much we drank, but this morning I found a note from my liver telling me to go screw myself.

Yeah.

As seems to be a pattern to nights when Brad and I go drinking together, the conversation just starts getting stranger and stranger as the night went on. We had some rousing discussions on movies and also debated the finer points of the donkey punch.

Don't Google that.

So, it's getting particularly late and we're both pretty much gone. We're at that point where you're actually trying to decide if it might just be easier to die rather than moving.

That's when Brad started talking about lesbians.

That happens a lot.

Suddenly, an epiphany occurred to me. A thought that had never once occurred to me in all my many years.

[GM]Dave>> How do lesbians know when they're done having sex?

My mind was blown.

The following is an exact transcript of the actual conversation that occurred:

Brad>> What do you mean?
[GM]Dave>> When lesbians are having sex...
[GM]Dave>> How do they know when it's time to stop?
Brad>> Holy shit!
Brad>> How do they know?
[GM]Dave>> When a guy's involved there's a definite sign.
[GM]Dave>> It's like nature gave us a flare gun.
[GM]Dave>> "That's it, folks. Show's over. Nothing to see here."
Brad>> Some shows are shorter than others.
[GM]Dave>> Is that why your girlfriend looks so despressed all the time?
Brad>> ...
Brad>> ... Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> Ouch.
Brad>> Maybe they have a signal or something.
[GM]Dave>> Like what?
Brad>> I don't know.
Brad>> Like a hand signal.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Let's just move on from that idea, shall we?
Brad>> That's probably a good idea.
[GM]Dave>> Maybe they just get bored.
[GM]Dave>> You know, they do their thing and then it just peters out.
Brad>> Maybe they get tired.
Brad>> It's all hot and bothered, and eventually just turns awkward.
[GM]Dave>> Directing lesbian porn must be extremely difficult.
[GM]Dave>> They just roll camera until they run out of tape.
[GM]Dave>> Or someone gets dehydrated.
Brad>> What if they both want to stop, but are afraid to say anything.
[GM]Dave>> Damn.
[GM]Dave>> They don't want to spoil the mood so they roll with it.
Brad>> They'd never stop.
[GM]Dave>> See, men at least have a nice bookend to the whole thing.
[GM]Dave>> There's very little confusion involved.
Brad>> Lesbians don't have that.
Brad>> They could just keep going and going...
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> We have the best conversations.
Brad>> I know.
Brad>> ...
Brad>> Did you see that new Batman movie yet?

I really wish I made this up.

I also wish this was the weirdest conversation Brad and I have ever had.

Sigh... I need new friends.

14 Comments:

At 9:15 PM, Blogger Lordshadow said...

We need to see more of your conversations with him ^_^
Also
FIRST!

 
At 9:15 PM, Blogger Darlithia said...

You're assuming that women don't ever have that same mind blowing, energy killing, can't go on any longer GOD PLEASE let me roll over and pass out, release. >.>

 
At 12:11 AM, Blogger Hawklord2112 said...

"Don't Google that"

...

it's like saying "now don't turn around, but...."

or
"don't think of purple elephants"

 
At 5:22 AM, Blogger Bufuman said...

[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> We have the best conversations.


You'll not find a single person here who disagrees with you.

Also, donkey punch isn't that bad. Now, you want something REALLY nasty, look up the iced dragon. Or my personal favorite, the raccoon.

...don't judge me.

 
At 5:49 AM, Blogger Kahsha said...

Hell!
I'd go drinking with you.
Get a babysitter & bring Susan.
^^

 
At 6:06 AM, Blogger Hatsumi said...

Man I feel sorry for Susan if you can't tell when a woman is done.

 
At 6:11 AM, Blogger Hatsumi said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 10:20 AM, Blogger Aen said...

The Donkey Punch...

I weep for humanity >.<

 
At 2:14 PM, Blogger Egnar said...

Lesbians and alcohol are always a winning combination.

 
At 3:38 PM, Blogger Oni said...

Well...have you seen The Dark Knight, Dave?! Have you!?!? Also, I agree with the need for more convos.

 
At 4:08 AM, Blogger Ben said...

You really do have awesome conversations!

 
At 4:30 AM, Blogger Shinkada said...

Dave, you're cool and all, but fuck you must be a shit lay.

Also, I thought I'd be generous and make everyone angry at me for fucking up anything worksafe rather than you by linking this: http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/Sex_moves.

inb4 rules 1 and 2, they only applied when the site wasn't completely dead.

 
At 10:04 AM, Blogger Xatticus said...

Congratulations! You've had a conversation ripped straight out of an unrated Seinfeld episode.

 
At 3:14 PM, Blogger Leut said...

You can tell lesbians are done the same way you can tell its time to get out of the pool....

.....prune fingers.....

 

Post a Comment

<< Home