Monday, July 21, 2008

I Think I'm Paranoid

I'm not sure what it is about FFXI, and MMORPGs in general, that makes people so damned paranoid.

Anyone who has played FFXI for any serious amount of time knows what I'm talking about. You get so fixated on what you're doing that you start to assume every other player is trying to stop you.

Something just seems to break when people log in. All logical thought just evaporates and suddenly everyone is out to get you.

Oh hey! You're camping an NM.

See that guy? That guy that just ran past you?

He's trying to steal your NM.

Oh, it doesn't matter that he didn't stop. He's just being sneaky.

It doesn't even occur to you that he might not even want the thing that you want.

I mean, you want it. It is a thing worth wanting.

Therefore, everyone else must want it as well.

Those bastards.

Now, before you start trying to explain how you're not like that and that you're not paranoid at all, think about the last time you were camping an NM.

Think about how your finger began to shake as it hovered over your macro key the very second you saw another player.

Sure, you're bound to be right some of the time. If you're in Maze of Shakrami, in a big empty room and five guys are standing in a circle staring at one spot, you can be pretty sure they're not there for the scenery.

Guy1>> Holy shit!
Guy1>> Do you see that rock?
Guy2>> Which one?
Guy1>> The brown one.
Guy2>> They're all brown.
Guy1>> Yeah, but the really cool brown one.
Guy2>> Where is it?
Guy1>> Do you see where we've been looking for the past 7 hours?
Guy2>> Yeah...
Guy1>> Right there.
Guy2>> Oh...
Guy2>> That is pretty awesome.

But that doesn't mean everyone is out to dick you over.

Probably.

Paranoia just seems to be one of those things that comes along with MMORPGs. You spend so much of your in game time trying to obtain things that are difficult to get.

Because they are so either helpful/valuable, these items are highly desirable to all players.

Therefore, anything you want, everyone else wants.

Now, it's you versus a server.

Good freakin' luck.

The funny part is most of the time no one is trying to beat you. Most of the time, you're just sitting in the zone alone going crazy waiting for someone to show up.

But they're all busy trying to screw over other people.

And it doesn't have to be an NM. Being paranoid while NM camping is at least a little understandable. They drop some pretty good items and can be highly sought after.

Most of us get paranoid when we're doing ANYTHING.

Farming silk threads? Hope you brought medication.

Any time you're farming, every player you see becomes your worst enemy. It could be one of the most highly trafficked areas in the game and you're still paranoid as shit that someone is going to take your mobs.

How dare they even be in your f--king zone?

We all do it. We try and act all cool like it doesn't bother us, but every time we see someone near our mobs, we get angry.

And it's not like there's not enough to go around. There are a bajillion of the things running all over the place. You can't through a pebble and not hit one.

But that shit doesn't matter. They're stealing your mobs.

Those bastards.

Now, you might be saying to yourself that I admit doing it, too. I get upset just like everyone else.

Do you know what I don't do, though?

I DON'T MAKE GM CALLS ABOUT IT!

Be paranoid all you freaking like. Have fun.

We'll start a facebook group.

But stop making GM calls about every other idiot who happens to be in the same zone as you.

They're not doing anything wrong. They're allowed in the zone, too.

This isn't FFXIbetternotseeanotherdamnedpersoninmygame.

It wouldn't fit on the box.

Every day, every single day, I get GM calls from absolute morons reporting people for doing nothing other than being in the same zone as them.

And lord forbid they're farming the same things.

One guy suggested we nuke an entire country.

I'll let you guess which one.

I'll give you a hint: they really, really like Chinese food there. But they just call it food.

I realize that I, too, am given to my bouts of anger.

You're shocked. I can tell.

But even I have to question bombing an entire country because one guy happened to be in Gusgen Mines with you.

Find another way to vent your anger.

Start a blog or something.

Today, I was at work. I say "at work" because I was only there. I wasn't actually doing any work.

Doing work is for suckers.

Instead, I was playing a game of [GM]Dave's beer pong with myself.

The game is very similar to regular beer pong, but instead of beer, you use Jack Daniel's and instead of pong, you just drink a whole freaking lot.

I hear they're working on a Wii game.

So, I'm up 15-12 against myself, when he game was called on account of stupid.

*DING*

Sigh...

GM Call Description: botter in Gusgen Mines.

I immediately knew I was not going to be happy about this. Over the years, I've developed a sort of sixth sense about these things.

*whispers* I see retarded people.

But, since it was close to intermission in my game, I decided I might as well answer one call today.

That's what they pay me for.

I think.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you reported a bot.
Player>> That's right.
[GM]Dave>> Okay. Before we begin, I have to ask a few questions.
[GM]Dave>> It helps us ascertain the type of bot we're dealing with.
Player>> Okay.
[GM]Dave>> Did the bot, at any time, make any wise cracks?
Player>> Wise... cracks?
[GM]Dave>> Just answer the question.
[GM]Dave>> Did he make any wise cracks?
[GM]Dave>> Make any comments about "no disassemble"?
[GM]Dave>> Dance in a circle with Ally Sheedy?
Player>> ... No.
[GM]Dave>> Okay...
[GM]Dave>> Did he shoot a gun several times without reloading?
[GM]Dave>> Maybe say "Come with me if you want to live"?
Player>> No.
[GM]Dave>> Damn.
[GM]Dave>> That would have been awesome.
Player>> I don't really see wha...
[GM]Dave>> It's procedure.
[GM]Dave>> Oh, was he traveling with an astrodroid?
Player>> No.
[GM]Dave>> I guess these aren't the droids I'm looking for.
[GM]Dave>> See, that's funny because...
Player>> Yeah.
Player>> I get it.
Player>> Listen. He was a hume ninja.
Player>> He looked to be around level 55 or so.
[GM]Dave>> Wait... A hume?
[GM]Dave>> You reported a bot.
Player>> Well, he's botting.
[GM]Dave>> Botting?
[GM]Dave>> We're just making up verbs now?
Player>> No. Botting.
Player>> Everyone knows the word "botting".
[GM]Dave>> Wait... Is that that dance where you act like a robot.
[GM]Dave>> I love that dance.
Player>> No, that's not...
[GM]Dave>> So you want to report a player for dancing?
Player>> No. I want to report him for botting.
[GM]Dave>> I'm confused.
[GM]Dave>> Was he botting or dancing?
Player>> He was botting.
[GM]Dave>> Why didn't you say that?
[GM]Dave>> Why'd you start talking about dancing?
Player>> I didn't.
[GM]Dave>> Didn't what?
Player>> Talk about dancing.
[GM]Dave>> So he was dancing?
Player>> NO!
Player>> HE WAS BOTTING!
[GM]Dave>> Not dancing?
Player>> NOT DANCING!
[GM]Dave>> Then why did you report him for dancing?
Player>> I DIDN'T!
Player>> I REPORTED HIM FOR BOTTING!
[GM]Dave>> I'm not familiar with the term "botting".
Player>> ... Well, the other player was botting...
[GM]Dave>> Wait... Is that that dance where you act like a robot?
[GM]Dave>> I love that dance.
Player>> HE WASN'T DANCING!
[GM]Dave>> Who said anything about dancing?
[GM]Dave>> Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to calm down.
Player>> YOU'RE DRIVING ME INSANE!
[GM]Dave>> I do that.
[GM]Dave>> Can you describe what he was doing?
Player>> Fine...
Player>> Every time I ran for a mining point, he was already there.
Player>> I checked every point I could reach and he got them all.
Player>> He's obviously botting.
[GM]Dave>> That seems awfully complicated.
Player>> Well, those botting programs can be really sophisticated.
[GM]Dave>> So... He was mining the same points you were mining...
[GM]Dave>> And that means he's a bot?
Player>> Obviously.
[GM]Dave>> He couldn't just be better than you?
[GM]Dave>> He must be a bot.
Player>> He has to be.
Player>> He went to every point I went to.
[GM]Dave>> Okay, funny question...
[GM]Dave>> Wouldn't that mean you're a bot?
Player>> Of course not.
Player>> Would a bot make a GM call?
[GM]Dave>> Well, those botting programs can be really sophisticated.
Player>> I'm not a bot!
[GM]Dave>> I assume that's what they'd program a bot to say.
[GM]Dave>> Who'd make a bot that says "I'm totally a bot"?
[GM]Dave>> That would be stupid.
Player>> THIS IS RIDICULOUS!
[GM]Dave>> Calm down, calm down.
[GM]Dave>> You'll blow a chip or something.
Player>> I'M NOT A BOT!
[GM]Dave>> Do not worry.
[GM]Dave>> We have a simple test to determine if you are a bot.
Player>> Thank God!
Player>> for a second there, I thought you were going...

*warp*

Area: Mordion Gaol.

Player>> Oh no...

Jormungand hits Player for 16,709 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> Good news.
[GM]Dave>> He says you're too squishy to be a bot.
Player>> RAISE ME DAMMIT!
[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry.
[GM]Dave>> Seems we have a problem with filing a false report.
[GM]Dave>> Let me read this over...
[GM]Dave>> Something about dancing...

I'm pretty sure he shot himself.

I mean, I have no way of knowing that, but that's how it ends in my head.

It's funnier that way.

See, guys, not everyone is out to get you.

Just me.

14 Comments:

At 9:16 PM, Blogger Daniel said...

Reminds of my many times of camping Stray Mary...

And Ose...

And Leaping Lizzy...

And Valkurm Emperor...

But I never get paranoid. Not once.

**Slinks down.**

Silly Tarutarues... They must not gets it. They must not get the precious!

**Recovers**

Never at all.

 
At 10:25 PM, Blogger Oni said...

I lol'd because usually when I camped NMs, I'd be the guy who was called a bot. Just because you get a claim in under 8 hours people get pissy. It's weird.

 
At 10:33 PM, Blogger Chris said...

The next bot user you find in-game you should rename them Johnny-5 and repeatedly tell them they're to be "disassembled".

 
At 5:58 AM, Blogger L.C.W. said...

While, like everyone, I succumb to the occasion bout of 'omg no you didn't just into my zone' paranoia I try to remind myself that until its turns red (or purple) its not claimed by anyone.

Of course, if the bastard that beat me to it accidentally disengages and lets it turn yellow again, I am so voking that off you.

 
At 9:16 AM, Blogger Nightmare said...

"One guy suggested we nuke an entire country.

I'll let you guess which one.

I'll give you a hint: they really, really like Chinese food there. But they just call it food."

A Chinese friend of mine will agree <_<

 
At 12:34 PM, Blogger GTRacer said...

*This* is why I haven't jumped into endgame yet. I've talked to a few endgamers. I declined a HNM shell invite. I'm in no rush to beat Maat. Most of everything I've heard about endgame and high-end NM hunting is that it's a shot at fantastic rewards in exchange for lots of work, and usually on a schedule. And the competition!

I don't begrudge anyone who is in endgame. I just hope they're enjoying it. Me, I'm enjoying life in the 20-30 range with my social shell and helping out people on my WHM68 main.

I know I'll eventually get sucked in but I'm hoping that day will be long in coming and that maybe I can do stuff like this on a "seat-filler" temp basis. Prolly not...

 
At 3:23 PM, Blogger Richard said...

Anyone who denies the paranoia just hasn't realized they have it too.

 
At 7:42 PM, Blogger Nik said...

I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave.

 
At 8:16 AM, Blogger Jadus said...

it's spelled "throw" not "through" in the sense that your using it Dave lol

To be honest I don't usually lose NM claim. I just never get any drops. My paranoia is that that SE has me marked with a "never-to-succeed" tag.

 
At 12:34 PM, Blogger wai said...

Instead, I was playing a game of [GM]Dave's beer pong with myself.

The game is very similar to regular beer pong, but instead of beer, you use Jack Daniel's and instead of pong, you just drink a whole freaking lot.

I hear they're working on a Wii game.


That's where I bust out laughing.

That was brilliant.

 
At 3:27 PM, Blogger Tyler said...

I was in Castle Oztroja on the top floor killing Yagudo to get some skill-ups and farm Aero IV for a friend, when I got a /tell from a guy who immediately figured that as a THF/DNC I was out to steal Deggi from him.

He got really pissed off and started swearing. Saying things like "This is my NM, leave now" and whatnot. Was so funny. I think the guy actually called a GM on me too. So random...

I'm happy to see Jormy again, though. Way to go [GM]Dave!

 
At 10:02 AM, Blogger Xatticus said...

I LOVE playing [GM]Dave's beer pong. Except I like to mix it up by playing with Jim Beam, Johnnie Walker. Jack Daniel's over and over again could get boring and not work. (though mixing the 3 together is FUN!)

 
At 3:22 PM, Blogger Leut said...

To me.....I cannot tell you how much it makes me giggle like a school girl getting fingered be hind the bleechers (bleachers? belchers? feh..) when I just happen to come across an NM that someone has been camping for hours/days/weeks/whatever and just either completely wail on it or do a call for help.

I know.....its pure asshole.....but oh gaaawwwd....the things I've been called. Priceless.

 
At 8:17 AM, Blogger Unapuma of Fairy said...

Whenever I'm together with the other 'pumas, regardless of our activity, no matter how bizzare our bazzar comment, we are eventually accused of doubleboxing, botting, or other ToS violations, espically if one of us is autofollowing the other.

He have fun with them, we pumas.

 

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