Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Stalk You Forever

As a lead up to the fan pack, I've decided to go with a special theme for the next few posts.

That theme is the socio-economic influences that lead to disparages between people of different nations.

I'm kidding.

The theme this time is "What. The. Hell?"

I dedicate this week to all those little things that are just too messed up to even think about. All those little moments that make you wonder if evolution is all it's cracked up to be.

I was trying to decide on a theme when my wife suggested I read a book to our daughter. She handed me a book called "Love You Forever."

Anyone who has read this book probably already knows where I'm going with this.

The book starts out very sweetly. It's a mother telling her baby son how she'll love him forever.

Hence the title.

She goes through the usual trials that all parents experience, but through it all, she still loves her child.

Awwww.

As he grows a little older, she still takes the time to go in his room each night and cuddle him.


Isn't that sweet?

She just loves her little boy so much that she sneaks in each night to tell him that she'll love him forever.

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always.
As long as I'm living,
My baby you'll be.

My daughter smiled at this picture and I realized that this was a very nice book.


Wait a second... What the hell?

This is where the book turned creepy.

The mother continues to sneak into her son's room when he's a TEENAGER.

A TEENAGER.

She sneaks in, picks up her TEENAGE son, and cradles him.

Yeah.

But still, you could probably get past this. She just really loves her son and she likes to cuddle him while he sleeps.

I guess that's not THAT creepy.

Besides, just a few years later, the young boy becomes a man and moves away from home. Her boy grown up and living on the other side of town, the mother has to say goodbye to the child she loves.


Or not.

Yes, that is a picture of the mother sitting in her son's bed and rocking him back and forth.

Her grown son.

What.

The.

Hell?

And yes, that's an open window and a ladder in the background.

Apparently, mothers are willing to do anything for their children.

Including breaking and entering.

What is wrong with this freakin' book?

This is like the prequel for the movie "Psycho".

This shit is creepy.

But as weird as that last picture is, there's one that messes me up even worse.


This is a picture of the mother driving across town in the middle of the night with a ladder strapped to the roof of her car.

Think about that.

I...

I just...

There are no words.

This little old lady ties a ladder to the roof of her car and then drives to her sons house to break in and rock him in his sleep.

She even ties a red cloth on the back of the ladder.

Wouldn't want to break traffic laws on your way to break into your son's house to possibly scar him forever.

I just can't get this picture out of my head. Long after my daughter had toddled away to play, I sat there staring at this picture.

That shit is frightening.

You'd think this book wouldn't be very popular.

Hell no.

People LOVE this damned book.

What the hell is wrong with people?

This book is one page away from being an episode of CSI.

And yet, this is one of the most highly recommended children's books in the world.

I think this is actually number 7 on the list.

Number 8 is The Silence of the Lambs.

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always.
It puts the lotion on it's skin
Or else it gets the hose again.

Tonight as you fall asleep, try not to think about your elderly mother creeping in through your window and cradling your unconscious body.

Good luck getting to sleep.

20 Comments:

At 8:03 PM, Blogger Camille said...

hahahahahahaha i remember being read this when i was younger and thinking the same thing =

 
At 8:45 PM, Blogger Fake said...

My mom cried every time I read that to her. I bought it for her for mothers day last year and she said it was the best thing ever.

 
At 9:30 PM, Blogger Erubadhriel said...

*refrains from making comment about [GM]Dave's mum*

 
At 10:50 PM, Blogger rulerofiron99 said...

"Number 8 is The Silence of the Lambs."

So the Satanic Bible is Number 9? Figures.

FLARRGLEBLARG!!!! IT FAILS.

 
At 10:56 PM, Blogger Dyamalos said...

What I wanna know, is why the mom is on all fours in the first two pictures...

 
At 11:51 PM, Blogger Ricardo said...

"Mhh, I should check out Dave's blog before going to sleep, maybe he has a new entry I can laugh at"

Man, I had no idea....

 
At 2:13 AM, Blogger Ayumi Life said...

I remember someone reading this to me when I was in Kindergarten I think.

I thought it was weird back then but I was too innocent to know how creepy it is.

 
At 4:59 AM, Blogger Pirre said...

I wonder what number one on the list is.
Anarchists cookbook perhaps?

 
At 5:05 AM, Blogger MinorAgentofChaos said...

Dave, if you want really creeped-out messed-up sh*t that everyone thinks is "awwww how precious"...listen to that godsawful song, "Christmas Shoes."

 
At 7:04 AM, Blogger Bufuman said...

When you think about it, a lot of books aren't as innocent as you would believe. I used to think Green Eggs and Ham was a book that convinced people that moldy food was better than normal food.

 
At 8:39 AM, Blogger Henry said...

I vaguely remember that book. I just hope its because someone told me about it before and not because my mom used to read it...

 
At 9:35 AM, Blogger Xolotl said...

That's just extra creepy...

Where do you find these things dave???

 
At 10:19 AM, Blogger Kyle said...

What. The. Hell?

 
At 11:23 AM, Blogger peopleWatcher said...

I thought the same exact thing the first time I heard my wife reading that book to my daughters.

Mental Note: Must keep a closer eye on my wife.

 
At 1:49 PM, Blogger semele said...

My son's very insane grandparents (not my parents, the other set) gave me this book when my son was an infant. I found it so incredibly creepy that I gave it back. I didn't even want it in the house.

GM Dave is NOT exaggerating. This is really what the book is about! Do you think he has the wherewithall to draw a car with a ladder on top? Its sick.

As a therapist, I know good touch from bad touch and that's some seriously messed up bad touch to sneak into your grown kid's house and cuddle him.

BTW, my kid's windows have locks on them, just in case the cracked grandparents decide to enact a scene.

Thanks, GM Dave. You really are my eviler twin.

 
At 2:17 PM, Blogger Jan R said...

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=14394073566

link to [GM]Dave group:) come join

 
At 2:33 PM, Blogger BSinBs said...

Today at work I watched a painter look outside and see it stopped raining. He then proceded to quickly wipe the outside door down, paint it and come back inside. 10 mins later it started thundershowering.... and the whole time he has a headphone in his ear with god talk on it...

I just don't know whats worse, that the painer would paint the door on a day he knows its going to rain or that he has a direct line to god in his ear that didn't tell him it probably wasn't such a bright idea.

 
At 8:44 PM, Blogger J said...

Robert Munsch, man. I grew up with that book.

Well, that book and Jonathan Cleaned Up-Then He Heard A Sound. That book simply rocked beyond comprehension.

 
At 6:04 AM, Blogger netgyks said...

DUDE! I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought that was FLAT OUT CREEPY. We have a son just a little younger than your daughter, it was cool to read about Susan's pregnancy during mine. One of my friends bought this for us thinking it was the best thing since sliced bread.

It's close to making the pile of trash books that need to leave our house like that disgusting What to Expect series. There's some messed up advice in those books.

 
At 7:12 PM, Blogger Unknown said...

Can't believe you didn't say anything about the ending when the son starts it with his baby daughter. Pretty sure when he creeps into her room when she's teenager it will be a felony.

 

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