Bannable Offenses

Sex and the Susan

Don't get your hopes up. The title's witty, not accurate.

Hands on the keyboard.

That's better.

So, Susan dragged forced threatened to castrate took me to see the new Sex and the City movie tonight.

What.

The.

Hell?

Now, you're probably thinking that I didn't like the movie.

That would be wrong.

I actually sort of enjoyed it. Sure, it's not my style of movie, but I can understand why Susan would enjoy it so.

Also, the slight chance that this could lead to hot, hot sex never once occurred to me.

(Spoiler Alert: this did not lead to hot, hot sex)

Could I be angry at them destroying an established franchise just to make a buck off the movie?

Not so much. From the few episodes I've actually sat through, the movie seemed to be a fairly loyal extension of the show.

Given the absolute crimes against humanity video game movies have wrought, I'm really not in a place to complain.

Basically, a comic book movie is produced in a carefully designed process:

1) take established character with wide fan base and great potential

2) write epic, thought provoking script based on central themes to said comic

3) throw that script away

4) rape person who wrote said script

5) slap together 90 minutes of flavor of the month actors/actresses and incredibly expensive, incredibly bad CGI

6) film three minutes of plot

7) splice plot into movie so it does not make sense

8) laugh at people stupid enough to spend $12 to see it

Sex and the City at least gets credit for not assaulting the source material.

Was it the fact that there were only three men in the whole theatre?

Nope. That didn't bother me at all. Actually, the other two guys seemed nice.

They made a nice couple.

So what could possibly have bothered me?

The women.

Yes, the women.

Apparently, the trailers for this film must contain some sort of subliminal message saying you're not allowed to go into the theatre unless you're dressed like an absolute retard.

At least 80% of the women in the audience were wearing what they must only assume is high class fashion.

I don't know fashion, but I know retarded.

One after the other, these women walked in wearing what can only be described as an affront to vision itself.

And why?

Because they were so exactly like Carrie Bradshaw!

If Carrie Bradshaw weighed 900 pounds and bought her clothes at the local Wal-Mart.

One lady walked in wearing a horrendous purple sequin dress.

Do you know how many sequins were on it?

ALL OF THEM!

Just as my luck would have it, she sat next to us.

Actually, I can't blame my luck.

Technically, she sat next to everybody.

While we were waiting for the movie to start, all I could hear was this woman going on and on and on about how her own life was just like Carrie's.

I was leaning over to say something (read: ask her if Greenpeace has ever tried to push her back into the ocean) when Susan stopped me.

She stopped me by grabbing me by the face.

Susan>> No.
Susan>> This is my movie.
Susan>> Sit down and be good.
Susan>> You can make fun of her later.

Susan then spent the next two hours and thirty minutes watching a movie she's been waiting for for a very long time.

I spent the next two hours and thirty minutes working out exactly what I would say to that woman.

When the credits finally rolled, Susan said two beautiful, glorious words.

Susan>> Go ahead.

It was like she opened a flood gate. The words just started pouring, gushing from my mouth. I unleashed a torrent upon this poor, pathetic planet of a woman.

I actually had to stop to drink some gatorade.

Looking back, I will admit that I may have gone too far.

Following her to her car was probably a little uncalled for.

I had no problem with the lady being big. That's cool with me. There are some big people out there who are good, nice, and intelligent.

My problem was this woman deluding herself into thinking she was some form of New York fashionista.

By the end, this woman could no way still think she was Carrie Bradshaw.

There's a good chance she didn't even know what her own name was.

All of the women on the internet, both of you, please listen carefully. Stop trying to be somebody else. You're cool just as you are.

When you try to pretend to be something else, it just comes off as a little... pathetic.

It's not like you see men doing this. When the new Star Wars movies came out, did you see a whole bunch of guys dressed up in silly clothes pretending that they were Jedis?

...

Maybe that was a bad example.

posted by Goblin Smithy @ 8:36 PM