Bannable Offenses

Father's Day

I think that it is internationally agreed upon that Father's Day is meant to be a day of total relaxation for any father.

According to the short girl who walks around my house, I am a father.

Thus, it was my understanding that Sunday would be a day of relaxation for me.

This would turn out to be wrong.

I love Susan dearly. She is an amazing woman who goes out of her way to be an incredible mother and wife. She is proud to list those among her many titles.

Unfortunately, one of her titles also happens to be daughter.

Some of you may remember my past experience with her father.

I am sad to say that we have not since become the bestest of friends. I know that deep down somewhere he likes me, but it is REALLY deep, deep down.

Like somewhere near his feet.

Or the core of the Earth.

Now, you may be wondering what this has to do with my Father's Day not being relaxing. I mean, how could Susan having a father possibly impact my Father's Day?

Pop quiz: how many of you have in-laws that drop in when they are not invited?

Yeah.

HerFather>> Susan honey!
HerFather>> Surprise!
Susan>> DADDY!

Susan was very happy to see her father.

I was... not.

[GM]Dave>> How nice of you to drop by.
[GM]Dave>> Without calling.
HerFather>> I wanted it to be a surprise.
[GM]Dave>> It was quite a surprise.
[GM]Dave>> You're lucky I didn't "accidentally" shoot you.
HerFather>> Accidentally?
[GM]Dave>> Of course.
[GM]Dave>> If you had called ahead, I'd have done it on purpose.
HerFather>> That's funny.
HerFather>> You're a funny guy.
[GM]Dave>> You're not laughing.
HerFather>> I know.

Apparently, he decided to just drop in to see his daughter and granddaughter. This is funny because he lives in another state.

While I completely understand the sentiment of dropping by, he failed to consider how this would impact me.

OR he considered how this would impact me, giggled to himself, and did it anyway.

Either way, it's Father's Day and I am in no way relaxed.

Yay.

Maybe he'll just stay a few minutes and leave.

Susan>> What are you doing here?
HerFather>> Actually, I came to take Dave golfing.
HerFather>> For Father's Day.
[GM]Dave>> I love golf.
HerFather>> Really?
[GM]Dave>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> Let me go get the wiimotes.

Did you know golf is an actual sport?

Like one they play outside?

Did you know Susan's father has no sense of humor?

HerFather>> We'll be home later.
Susan>> Are you sure, Daddy?
HerFather>> Not really.
[GM]Dave>> I have to ask.
[GM]Dave>> Is this just a ruse to get me in the woods and kill me?
HerFather>> Get in the car.

I learned something interesting that day. I learned that it is entirely possible to spend time with your father-in-law and get to know him as a friend.

I learned that by watching some other people on the course.

They looked happy.

I also learned that golf is a Scottish term that means "5 hours of an angry ex-cop cursing on you."

This was not a fun Father's Day. I went from relaxation to slight annoyance to a death march in the woods carrying a bag of metal sticks.

Of course, if I was going to suffer, I had to make sure he suffered with me.

HerFather>> Give me a wood.
[GM]Dave>> I'm flattered. Really.
[GM]Dave>> I just don't think that would be appropriate.

HerFather>> Did you see where my ball went?
[GM]Dave>> Behind the tree.
HerFather>> Which tree?
[GM]Dave>> The one in front of your ball.
[GM]Dave>> Geez.

HerFather>> What did you think of that shot?
[GM]Dave>> It was alot like an elephant's ass.
HerFather>> ... What?
[GM]Dave>> High and shitty.

Interestingly, it seems I suck at golf.

My favorite shot was the one where I smashed the ball with everything I had and got hit in the face with dirt. I immediately started looking for wherever my ball must have flown. The thing must have gone a hell of a distance considering how hard I hit it.

Then I looked down.

Apparently, I had hit the ball two inches straight down.

Funny how that never happens on Wii Sports.

Also, none of the Miis look at you with a mixture of contempt and disdain.

Eh, who cares? We both know I'm sleeping with his daughter.

And I'm the only one who finds that funny.

Five hours spent with Susan's father...

What a hell of a relaxing day.

posted by Goblin Smithy @ 7:08 PM