Bannable Offenses

What the Hell Do You Want?

I seriously don’t know any company that goes as far for its customers.

You wanted chocobos. We gave you chocobos.

But, I’m going to let you in a little secret.

Ssshhhhhh.

I DON’T HAVE ANY INFORMATION ON THEM!

Sweet mother of god, what the hell is wrong with you people?

We have never, ever, EVER given out detailed update information until the day of the actual update.

This is a special protocol that was put in place for three reasons:

a) it gives us to time change things in case of problems
b) it raises peoples hopes before we dash them with reality
c) it makes us laugh to know that you're all waiting to log in and check out the update

Seriously, we sit there and monitor how many people try and log in before the scheduled end time.

Sometimes, we even change the scheduled time and watch people go all emo on the forums.

Poster: Sefferothe
Title: Maintenance

OMG the serverz r still down i dont no what 2 do! the maintenance was supposed to end 3 min ago and i still cant log in!

im goin 2 kill myself if they dont come back on soon.

I, of course, take no joy in watching the suffering of customers.

Therefore, I spend part of maintenance time on a FFXI forums trying to calm people's nerves.

Poster: GMDave
Reply: Remember, it's down the street, not across the road.

I like to help people.

Honestly, though, do you really think that we'd give out new information just because you made a retarded GM call and asked us?

That sounds like a great idea.

Moron.

There's more money in "leaking" new information in exchange for cash.

So, seriously, stop calling us. I've got nothing for you.

But still, every hour on the hour, I get another one of these entirely pointless GM calls where some idiot is convinced that they deserve some secret information.

GM Call Description: Serious update question.

I love that. People who put 'serious' in their call descriptions, as if that makes us hurry or something.

"Well, I was going to ignore that call, but HOLY SHIT, HE SAYS IT'S SERIOUS!!!

QUICK!!! TO THE GM CAVE!!!"

We get it. You're retarded and you think your problem is important.

We understand.

We don't care, but we understand.

Anyway, just reading the GM call, I can already tell what this fool was going to ask me. It's the same thing every fool has asked me since we made the announcement.

But, because I am both a sadist and a masochist, I answered the call.

[GM]Dave>> Hello, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> Don't ask me about chocobos.
Player>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Cause if you ask me about chocobos...
[GM]Dave>> I'm going to snap.
Player>> ...oh... kay
[GM]Dave>> If you even say the word chocobo, I'm going to kill you.
[GM]Dave>> And I mean physically murder you.
[GM]Dave>> So what can I help you with today?
Player>> I had a question about the update.
[GM]Dave>> What kind of question?
[GM]Dave>> Don't say chocobo.
Player>> It's about... I wanted to know...
Player>> ... uhh...
[GM]Dave>> I swear to God himself, I will hurt you.
Player>> How do we... obtain...
Player>> The new items?
[GM]Dave>> Like what items?
[GM]Dave>> Armor? Weapons?
[GM]Dave>> EGGS?
Player>> I just want to know how to obtain a chocobo.
Player>> I want to get started early if I can.
[GM]Dave>> What did I just say?
[GM]Dave>> I'm fairly certain I said I'd snap if you said that.
[GM]Dave>> And then you said that.
Player>> I'm sorry, but...
[GM]Dave>> You're not sorry.
[GM]Dave>> You're retarded.
Player>> You can't say that to me.
[GM]Dave>> I do a lot of things I'm not supposed to.
[GM]Dave>> Emptying your inventory for starters.
Player>> You wouldn't.
[GM]Dave>> I beg to differ.

A couple of clicks later and this player was basking in the glory of a fresh, clean inventory.

The only thing I left there was a stack of water crystals.

Completely emptying it would be mean.

Player>> YOU TOOK MY STUFF!
[GM]Dave>> Not all of it. You still have armor on.
[GM]Dave>> Oh. That reminds me.

*removes and tosses armor*

[GM]Dave>> Where was I?
Player>> I WANT MY STUFF BACK!!!
[GM]Dave>> Let's not discuss your wants.
[GM]Dave>> Let's discuss needs.
Player>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Like you need to shut the hell up.
[GM]Dave>> Or you will need to live with a ban.
Player>> THIS ISN'T FAIR!
[GM]Dave>> Fair?!
[GM]Dave>> FAIR?!
Player>> I EARNED THAT STUFF!
[GM]Dave>> Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Customer, sir.
[GM]Dave>> I'll make sure you get everything you earned.

*warp*

Player>> Oh shit.
[GM]Dave>> You were saying something about fair, I think.
[GM]Dave>> Here's my idea of fair.
Player>> Listen.
Player>> I'm really sorry.
[GM]Dave>> Oh, no. You wanted fair.
[GM]Dave>> So, here's my definition of fair.
[GM]Dave>> I deal with retards like you.

Jormungand hits Player for 14,892 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> And fair is you getting eaten by a dragon.
[GM]Dave>> Isn't learning fun?

Listen to me. Listen very carefully.

I AM NOT GOING TO TELL YOU ANYTHING!

I don't even like you.

The only person I told anything to was my Mom and that was just to piss her off more about being banned.

So shut the hell up and leave me alone.

Morons.

posted by Goblin Smithy @ 6:36 PM