Saturday, June 03, 2006

What the Hell Do You Want?

I seriously don’t know any company that goes as far for its customers.

You wanted chocobos. We gave you chocobos.

But, I’m going to let you in a little secret.



Sweet mother of god, what the hell is wrong with you people?

We have never, ever, EVER given out detailed update information until the day of the actual update.

This is a special protocol that was put in place for three reasons:

a) it gives us to time change things in case of problems
b) it raises peoples hopes before we dash them with reality
c) it makes us laugh to know that you're all waiting to log in and check out the update

Seriously, we sit there and monitor how many people try and log in before the scheduled end time.

Sometimes, we even change the scheduled time and watch people go all emo on the forums.

Poster: Sefferothe
Title: Maintenance

OMG the serverz r still down i dont no what 2 do! the maintenance was supposed to end 3 min ago and i still cant log in!

im goin 2 kill myself if they dont come back on soon.

I, of course, take no joy in watching the suffering of customers.

Therefore, I spend part of maintenance time on a FFXI forums trying to calm people's nerves.

Poster: GMDave
Reply: Remember, it's down the street, not across the road.

I like to help people.

Honestly, though, do you really think that we'd give out new information just because you made a retarded GM call and asked us?

That sounds like a great idea.


There's more money in "leaking" new information in exchange for cash.

So, seriously, stop calling us. I've got nothing for you.

But still, every hour on the hour, I get another one of these entirely pointless GM calls where some idiot is convinced that they deserve some secret information.

GM Call Description: Serious update question.

I love that. People who put 'serious' in their call descriptions, as if that makes us hurry or something.

"Well, I was going to ignore that call, but HOLY SHIT, HE SAYS IT'S SERIOUS!!!


We get it. You're retarded and you think your problem is important.

We understand.

We don't care, but we understand.

Anyway, just reading the GM call, I can already tell what this fool was going to ask me. It's the same thing every fool has asked me since we made the announcement.

But, because I am both a sadist and a masochist, I answered the call.

[GM]Dave>> Hello, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> Don't ask me about chocobos.
Player>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Cause if you ask me about chocobos...
[GM]Dave>> I'm going to snap.
Player>> ...oh... kay
[GM]Dave>> If you even say the word chocobo, I'm going to kill you.
[GM]Dave>> And I mean physically murder you.
[GM]Dave>> So what can I help you with today?
Player>> I had a question about the update.
[GM]Dave>> What kind of question?
[GM]Dave>> Don't say chocobo.
Player>> It's about... I wanted to know...
Player>> ... uhh...
[GM]Dave>> I swear to God himself, I will hurt you.
Player>> How do we... obtain...
Player>> The new items?
[GM]Dave>> Like what items?
[GM]Dave>> Armor? Weapons?
[GM]Dave>> EGGS?
Player>> I just want to know how to obtain a chocobo.
Player>> I want to get started early if I can.
[GM]Dave>> What did I just say?
[GM]Dave>> I'm fairly certain I said I'd snap if you said that.
[GM]Dave>> And then you said that.
Player>> I'm sorry, but...
[GM]Dave>> You're not sorry.
[GM]Dave>> You're retarded.
Player>> You can't say that to me.
[GM]Dave>> I do a lot of things I'm not supposed to.
[GM]Dave>> Emptying your inventory for starters.
Player>> You wouldn't.
[GM]Dave>> I beg to differ.

A couple of clicks later and this player was basking in the glory of a fresh, clean inventory.

The only thing I left there was a stack of water crystals.

Completely emptying it would be mean.

[GM]Dave>> Not all of it. You still have armor on.
[GM]Dave>> Oh. That reminds me.

*removes and tosses armor*

[GM]Dave>> Where was I?
[GM]Dave>> Let's not discuss your wants.
[GM]Dave>> Let's discuss needs.
Player>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Like you need to shut the hell up.
[GM]Dave>> Or you will need to live with a ban.
[GM]Dave>> Fair?!
[GM]Dave>> FAIR?!
[GM]Dave>> Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Customer, sir.
[GM]Dave>> I'll make sure you get everything you earned.


Player>> Oh shit.
[GM]Dave>> You were saying something about fair, I think.
[GM]Dave>> Here's my idea of fair.
Player>> Listen.
Player>> I'm really sorry.
[GM]Dave>> Oh, no. You wanted fair.
[GM]Dave>> So, here's my definition of fair.
[GM]Dave>> I deal with retards like you.

Jormungand hits Player for 14,892 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> And fair is you getting eaten by a dragon.
[GM]Dave>> Isn't learning fun?

Listen to me. Listen very carefully.


I don't even like you.

The only person I told anything to was my Mom and that was just to piss her off more about being banned.

So shut the hell up and leave me alone.



At 6:50 PM, Blogger Silver 9 said... this means that "fair" is to the eye of the beholder.

Which is a bad thing, considering who's behind a customer service desk. @_@

At 6:52 PM, Blogger Feba said...

Quick, someone find Dave's mom and get the info from her!

At 6:58 PM, Blogger IronRaven said...

"Well, I was going to ignore that call, but HOLY SHIT, HE SAYS IT'S SERIOUS!!!

Awesome, Dave. Love the blog

At 7:36 PM, Blogger CaesarsGhost said...

Dave, I completely agree with you man.

1 of our games they like to put "For Developers" or "Please answer" or "Dev Only" or some shit like that... even though they know I read every last post regardless of retardedness.
Drives me fuckin insane.

I know now what I need: I need me a dragon. TO THE GM CAVE! *cues corny music*

At 8:34 PM, Blogger Artiamus said...

I'm waiting for [GM]Dave to run into a thief who knows how to use the Perfect Dodge/Instant Warp combo. Will he chase this player down or let them go? You can't have thief up all the time.

At 10:09 PM, Blogger Atrophic-FairyServer said...

All you need to do is if you EVER get in a convo w/ GM Dave, just have your warp stick ready lol

At 11:58 PM, Blogger Wickerbasket said...

"Remember, it's down the street, not across the road."

Harsh, but fair.

At 12:42 AM, Blogger Aoishi said...

Well played [GM]Dave, well played indeed.

At 1:08 AM, Blogger notkesirahonest said...

Am I the only one who couldn't give a shit what's in dev? I have enough to do in the game i've got without worrying over future additions. Heck, there are just hundreds of quests I haven't done yet and still a few missions. I mean, yes, the chocoo rumours are sounding interesting but in the scheme of things, so what? It'll come when it comes or not at all. Whatever. I just don't understand people who NEED TO KNOW NOW!

Gods I'm bored though. This one wasn't as funny as normal so haven't had my fill of jollies yet. Might go read Goblin Smithy or summat. Oh, haven't read all week, might go check that out and see if there's a new Bastard Operator From hell.

At 1:11 AM, Blogger AzzA said...

hehe not bad. just link them your paypal details and say $50 per tip ;)

oh dave ive given this link to a heap of friends and made it my sig on various boards i post on.

my thanx for the laughs but im to stingy/broke to donate money myself :P

At 2:58 AM, Blogger Jirizo Reborn said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 2:59 AM, Blogger Jirizo Reborn said...

At 7:26 AM, Blogger ~Silent Lilac~ said...

Love your sweet brand of justice.

At 4:57 PM, Blogger Sutaru said...

I suppose you have to love the suicidal maniacs who become so dependant upon online games that they start to lose their sanity when they can't play.

At 12:06 AM, Blogger WindexHamster said...

When I played FFXI, I lived by a simple code: If you're not actively striving to be the absolute best at everything you play, don't fucking play at all.

That meant that only 2 things mattered to me. Ever.

Gear and levels. And part of levels meant knowing how to play whatever job I undertook better than everyone else if I could help it.

Fuck chocobo breeding, fishing, even synthing. Screw questing, NPCs, all of that. If it didn't give me better gear (and I almost always had exceptional gear for every job I played), or directly contribute to further leveling, I didn't waste time on it.

All that filler is a waste of time, and I feel sorry for people that play into it.

While you were collecting iron ores to trade to some stupid NPC for garbage rewards, I was walking out of the Maze of Shakrami wearing my Bounding Boots, Empress Hairpin, Shikaree Rings, and my brand new Peacock Amulet.

And that was only the beginning for me.

At 8:32 AM, Blogger Newman said...

The poster above this must have a huge penis.

At 8:54 AM, Blogger Shiphrah said...

He certainly must think so, newman.

At 8:54 AM, Blogger Jolygreen said...

Newman said...
The poster above this must have a huge penis.

8:32 AM

It's most likely the opposite.

To [GM]Dave,

Excellent blog. They make me laugh most mornings and make my co-workers give me funny looks. Though they do that anyway.

At 1:18 PM, Blogger Reeree said...

I'll get the ruler.

Also, if you use windex as a lubricant, the hamster will expire and get stuck up there...

Oh, wait, that explains a great deal.

At 1:43 PM, Blogger Shiphrah said...

Jolygreen said...

Newman said...
The poster above this must
have a huge penis.

8:32 AM

It's most likely the opposite.

Wow. Just... WOW.


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