Monday, June 05, 2006

[GM]Dave: Mediator


When I started this job, I was endowed with almost unlimited power.

On rare occasions, I actually use this power for good.

Very, very rare occasions.

These rare times usually arise when someone asks me to settle a dispute of some sort.

Like King Solomon, I descend from my throne and dispense my endless wisdom so that the lesser people of Vana'diel might benefit from my intelligence.

Okay... I mostly just get sarcastic, make fun of the person asking me questions, humiliate them, and then ban them.

It's a hobby.

Did you actually think that I would enjoy helping people through their sad, misguided arguments just so one of them can feel slightly less stupid?

That really doesn't sound like me.

Now, there are two types of arguments that I am asked to mediate. We'll label these categories "Acceptable" and "Please Feed Me To a Dragon."

1) Acceptable Arguments

Arguments that pertain to intelligent, game-related information are deemed acceptable. I will do my best to answer these questions as I am able.

People who make GM calls of this nature will not receive a ban unless their behavior or comments indicate an abnormally high level of stupidity. Even within a logical, acceptable discussion, people are still capable of saying incredibly retarded things.

2) Feed Me To a Dragon Arguments

The arguments are so monumentally retarded, That I feel my only choice is to destroy all those involved and wipe their seed from the earth.

People who make GM calls of this nature will not only receive a ban, but may also be physically murdered by our covert GM Special Ops unit. These individuals are so incredibly idiotic that our only true defense is to remove them entirely from the gene pool.

You may be asking yourself "how do I know if an argument is acceptable or not?"

This is an important question as a wrong decision may very well lead to your untimely demise.

Here are some tell-tale signs:

a) if you are discussing anything based solely on opinion, you're retarded.

b) if you are discussing anything involving job/race/city X is better than job/race/city Y, you are functionally retarded.

c) if you in any way contact me to settle an argument, you are super retarded.

Seriously. There is no argument on the planet worth what I will potentially do to your precious little character.

I've banned people for having too many consonants in their names. Do you really think I'm going to let you bother me with no repercussion?

What kind of a GM would I be?

Just this morning, a player sent me a GM call to help him and his friend settle an argument.

GM Call Description: Need help! Emergency!

Right away I'm annoyed. There's nothing more irritating than the vague GM call.

"Hey, something happened sometime to somebody! Help!"

I mean what the hell am I supposed to do with that?

Since this person has taken the time to actively annoy me, I feel it would only be fair to return the favor.

Possibly via dragon.

I hop over to Phoenix server and look the player up. A DRK named Tokaki.


Not only am I dealing with an idiot, I'm dealing with an EMO idiot.


[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you have an "emergency".
Tokaki>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> The pharmacy was out of black nail polish?
[GM]Dave>> Walmart ran out of Linkin Park CDs?
Tokaki>> ... uhh... no.
[GM]Dave>> I know I'm going to regret this, but...
[GM]Dave>> What is your emergency?
Tokaki>> Well... my friend Cirdan and I...
[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry. I think I misunderstood you.
[GM]Dave>> I thought you said friend.
Tokaki>> I did.
[GM]Dave>> Oh...
Tokaki>> We were having an argument.
[GM]Dave>. You and your "friend"...
Tokaki>> Yes.
Tokaki>> Me and my friend.
[GM]Dave>> This "friend"...
[GM]Dave>> Is he a real person?
Tokaki>> Yes, he's real.
[GM]Dave>> Ah...
[GM]Dave>> Seriously?
Tokaki>> YES!!!
[GM]Dave>> A DRK with friends.
[GM]Dave>> I should write this down somewhere.
Tokaki>> Can I continue?
[GM]Dave>> Sure. Why the hell not?
Tokaki>> So my friend and I are having an argument.
Tokaki>> See, he's a Dragoon and I'm a...

Right there. That is the exact moment when the total magnitude of this call's stupidity finally dawned on me.

Oh, somebody gonna die.

[GM]Dave>> Are you kidding me?
Tokaki>> Umm... no.
Tokaki>> Not kidding.
[GM]Dave>> Did you call me for a DRK vs. DRG bitchfight?
Tokaki>> ... yeah.
[GM]Dave>> And this seemed like a good idea?
Tokaki>> Well, it did at the time.
Tokaki>> I'm starting to think this may have been a mistake.
[GM]Dave>> Well, apparently you're not completely retarded.
Tokaki>> Did you just call me retarded?!
[GM]Dave>> No.
[GM]Dave>> I said "not completely retarded".
[GM]Dave>> I assumed that would be a compliment for you.
Tokaki>> You can't talk to me like that!
[GM]Dave>> Why do idiots keep telling me what I can say?
[GM]Dave>> Next you're going to tell me I can't call you an idiot.
Tokaki>> YOU CAN'T!
[GM]Dave>> What did I tell you?
[GM]Dave>> You tards are all alike.
[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry, Mr. Customer, Sir.
[GM]Dave>> I'll settle that argument for you right now.


[GM]Dave>> Is your name Cirdan?
Cirdan>> ... yeah.
[GM]Dave>> Good.
[GM]Dave>> Do you know this guy?
Cirdan>> Yes.
Cirdan>> Unfortunately.
[GM]Dave>> You do know him.
[GM]Dave>> Good.


Area: Mordion Gaol

[GM]Dave>> I have been invited to settle an argument.
Tokaki>> Yeah, see...
[GM]Dave>> Did I ask for your opinion, Goth boy?
Tokaki>> ...
Tokaki>> No.
[GM]Dave>> Then that means shut the hell up.
[GM]Dave>> Now, I have organized a simple challenge...
[GM]Dave>> That will settle how is indeed better.
Cirdan>> That sounds cool.
Tokaki>> Yeah, that could work.
[GM]Dave>> Didn't I tell you to shut up?
Tokaki>> But he said...
[GM]Dave>> I didn't tell him to shut up.
[GM]Dave>> See how that works?
Tokaki>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> Good.
[GM]Dave>> Are we ready for the challenge?
Cirdan>> I'm ready to go.
Tokaki>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Okay...
[GM]Dave>> Cirdan, spell "Wyvern."
Cirdan>> W-Y-V-E-R-N.
[GM]Dave>> That was good.
Tokaki>> What is that supposed...

Jormungand scores a critical hit!
Jormungand hits Tokaki for 17,876 points of damage.
Tokaki was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> Well...
[GM]Dave>> As Cirdan spelled his word correctly...
[GM]Dave>> And remained undigested, I'd say he's the winner.
Cirdan>> That was a good challenge.
Tokaki>> Oh shut up, you purple moron.
[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry.
[GM]Dave>> I couldn't hear you over the dragon.

All in all, I felt that we came to a good resolution there.

We settled an argument and the DRK made a second friend.

I'm pretty sure that's a new record.


At 8:08 PM, Blogger lithpiperpilot said...


AWESOME JOB! Keep the GREAT work up!

At 8:13 PM, Blogger Dave said...

Great stuff. Never a dull moment in the life of [GM]Dave

At 8:23 PM, Blogger Siegtaru said...


About time you unleashed your godly wrath on those damn DRKs! =]

At 8:29 PM, Blogger Trigger said...

Thats one of your best lately. I really enjoyed it :)

At 8:38 PM, Blogger kitty monk said...

I thought everyone knew DRG > DRK

Tokaki and Cirdan have been going back and forth for ages. =P

At 8:39 PM, Blogger Krisnwo said...

HAHAH!! Stupid DRK learns a lesson, and DRG wins the day. All is well in [GM]Dave-land!

At 10:07 PM, Blogger The Answer said...

hahahahahahaha, oh, what brilliance. drg ftw

At 10:19 PM, Blogger Corby said...

You actually use their real names this time, what's up with that?

At 10:44 PM, Blogger Aoishi said...

This is the best entry ever. I am glad that you could have graced us with this. Hell, this is so good, it should have been in the fan club package.

At 11:15 PM, Blogger Nu-Hir said...

Why would he not use their real names? It's not as if he should be protecting the innocent. These people aren't innocent.

At 11:29 PM, Blogger Sutaru said...

*falls out of her chair laughing*

Oh god. That was funny. Amusingly, I was photoshopping when one of the other GMs of a server where I play messaged me with a link to one of our threads. Apparently, someone had asked us to add pvp to an all pvp server. It made me wonder why natural selection hadn't mercifully "selected" his genes and incinerated them.

At 11:45 PM, Blogger Hawklord2112 said...

hey hold on - DRKs have some redeeming features.
after all it takes dedication and patience to whack 100 rabbits with that lame ass rubbersword, Chaosbringer.

hold on. that's not dedication and patience.

that's anal retentiveness.

*whistles innocently* move along folks, nothing to see here

At 11:56 PM, Blogger Stocky said...

kitty monk said...
I thought everyone knew DRG > DRK

Yeah. Ofcourse. You keep thinking that.

Stupid Mnks D:

At 11:58 PM, Blogger Mute said...

The dragon feedings just never get old! :p

At 12:43 AM, Blogger Fircefairy said...

LMAO...People actually make these calls ...~shakeas her head~

How in GODS name do these REMOTELY qualify as an *Emergency*

Or am I just misunderstanding the word *Emergency*?
Good work once more ^^

At 1:18 AM, Blogger kevin said...

Well of course that was an emergency! I mean, didn't you all see how badly that guy needed to be fed to a dragon?

At 2:02 AM, Blogger Fircefairy said...

LOL Kevin...Yah I see how an absurd argument over how one job is better than another is a serious emergency ~.0...
Any person with a slight amount of intelligence knows that ALL jobs have their value.Some just freaking ROCK on O-Hat runs! I Love a DRK that has his stun in fine tune...How about the jobs that can sleep?..I am a MNK as DoT is spectacular...but I do not play this game alone.
The game was designed to be played with other people.
True there are a few jobs extremely adept at soloing...but even THEY (at higher levels) need help to attain their particular goals(read items or armor)...I see no individual job being better than the next..IMO all are good is simply a matter of personal preference as to which you choose to play.

At 2:07 AM, Blogger Aeriel said...

Is there possibly a new category here?
Uber-Mega-Extra-"Special"-Retardation? Maybe?

::{/bow} to [GM]Dave's awesome presence!

At 4:11 AM, Blogger Ristle said...

Awesomely Handled. There was me thinking you were going to handicap the DRK and have them fight. You wisdom knows no bounds.

I agree, all Job > Job arguments are the WORST in the world to hear, it is ENTIRELY down to the player. I've seen a Galka WHM outdo a Taru WHM, so Race arguers also fail at life.

At 4:14 AM, Blogger sngirl said...

I think turning down Tok's accuracy down to 0 and having him try and take a few potshots at Cir would have been pretty funny too. ;) These two can go on and on and on...

At 5:40 AM, Blogger Kage said...

Is there a relationship between the amount of retards and the amount of emo people? My guess is probably.

At 5:47 AM, Blogger [GM]Dave said...

Turn down a DRK's accuracy. That's funny.

I saw a Dark Knight get upset the other day. He was so mad, he threw his weapon at the ground.

And missed.

At 5:50 AM, Blogger shingui of cerberus said...

i know its off topic but all the writing in the blog seems small and i cant read it ;( does anyone know wtf to do i love this blog and i have to squint my eyes to see it and that bloody hurts if ya do it for so long

At 6:59 AM, Blogger Zlo said...

You actually spared somebody being eaten wow...

At 7:00 AM, Blogger Zlo said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 8:03 AM, Blogger Lokkin said...

Lol, good one [GM]Dave.

For whoever asked about the names.

I'm going to assume this is the "featuring" in a blog for the donators.

All other blogs have "player" in them.

A famous retard is even worse than a normal one.

At 8:33 AM, Blogger ~Silent Lilac~ said...

There's nothing more beautiful then a moron being given the squashing they so richly deserve. Maybe next time he'll remember to spell more quickly when Dave asks him to.

At 9:21 AM, Blogger Burning said...

Haha [GM]Dave your the best xDDD

At 9:41 AM, Blogger Myloko said...

Thanks for wiping some more bad seed from the earth ;)

At 9:46 AM, Blogger Master Dingo said...

Hey Shingui,

If you're using Internet Explorer, go to Tools > Internet Options, on the General Tab, click on the Accessibilty button, and on the window that comes up check the box that says Ignore font sizes specified on web pages. Hit ok, and everything should resize larger.

At 9:49 AM, Blogger HTL2001 said...

Tokaki>> What is that supposed...

*falls off of chair* great stuff

At 10:48 AM, Blogger Thistle said...

[GM]Dave>> A DRK with friends.
[GM]Dave>> I should write this down somewhere.

*laughs* Hey! ><


At 11:07 AM, Blogger shingui of cerberus said...

Master Dingo cheers its resized its even worked for AoL *looks amazed somet works for AoL*

well hilarious entry >< thought you would of made them kill each other but you got jourmy in yeay^.^

At 1:45 PM, Blogger Reeree said...

What is it about Dark Knight that turns people into whiny bitches? My boss was told by her linkshell that she needs to level it for a Red Mage subjob, just for the use of Stun - and ever since she's done nothing by bitch bitch bitch about how much she hates the job.

The bitching didn't start right way. Just like the antipathy against all life slowly seeps in when you switch to Black Mage, the emotional dysfunction slowly penetrates the cerebral cortex after switching to Dark Knight.

First, there is a period of "I have a scythe! Woohoo! I can one-shot Easy Prey monsters with my grim reaper stick!" and then she gets a party in the Dunes. "I forgot to bring food! BLU isn't working as a subjob as well as I thought it would! My crossbow bolts always miss! This stupid sythe is so SLOW and it always misses." etc., etc., etc.

Use that big grim reaper stick to slit your wrists. I don't want to hear it.

At 3:58 PM, Blogger Dreamweaver said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 4:41 PM, Blogger Terry Kole said...

Do you get off on being a dick?

At 4:43 PM, Blogger [GM]Dave said...

A little bit, yeah.

At 5:40 PM, Blogger Reeree said...

More importantly, the great unwashed masses get off on his dick... his being a dick, too.

It's like an olympic event, the synchronized euphoria that comes with the little deaths.

At 5:44 PM, Blogger JeBe said...

Thanx for awesome laughs, Dave. But you have been lazy the past few weeks.. Go feed some tards to the dragon already!
And ffs give your mum something nice and unban her!

Have you by the way noticed all the peeweenicks on ffxi?

On WoW we have MightyTaurenFromHell and ffxi we find cutelittlekittytaryKUPO...


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