From [GM]Dave's Mailbox - Volume 2
It's letter time, it's letter time.I bring you another installment of the sheer insanity that gets e-mailed to me everyday.
Just opening my inbox is like looking into the gaping maw of hell.
Except replace the word "hell" with the word "stupidity".
I've never made any secret about how I feel about people. In case you haven't been able to crack the labyrinthian subtleties of this blog, I'll give you a hint.
I FREAKIN' HATE PEOPLE.
All of you.
Yes, you.
I hate you with a passion.
Not for something that you specifically have done, but for the torrent of crimes against intelligence constantly committed by your people.
A few retarded apples spoiled the bunch.
Sadly, the only thing these idiots manage to master is e-mail.
One day, I'm going to find the Alpha-tard that somehow manages to teach all of these lesser retards how to use computers.
I'm going to find him and I'm going to kill him.
I'll beat him to death with a case of AOL CDs.
Until that glorious day, though, I will be forced to suffer the stupidity of these morons.
Hopefully, you can find some humor in my pain.
I mean, I find so much humor in yours.
1) The Remora
Do you know what a remora is?
Don't say a server.
A remora is a sucker fish that attaches to a shark and feeds off of the scraps that fall out of the shark's mouth.
How could this relate to an e-mail, you may ask?
Simple. About once a week, I get an e-mail from someone who wants to write their own stories about [GM]Dave and [GM]Takana.
And Jormungand.
That might not be so bad except for the fact that they always tell me how much funnier their stories would be.
Dear [GM]Dave,
I do a lot of writing and I think that I could do some great stories about [GM]Takana. He could be a great nemesis to you and I figured out lots of different ways he could defeat you.
Maybe we could even team up and do a blog together. That would be hilarious.
What do you say?
Uncreative in Ugglepih.
Dear Uncreative,
Here's a wacky idea. Why don't you go write your own blog and come up with your own damned material?
You say it would be funny. Right there is the problem. People already find me funny. The only thing you're bringing to the table is your apparent ability to come up with very stupid ideas.
I'm sure that skill will get you places.
I'll tell you what: why don't you hold your breath and I'll call you as soon as I need you to write a blog for me, okay?
Moron.
You fail at life,
[GM]Dave
2) Customer Service Reports
Why do people constantly feel the need to tell me how customer service works?
I know how it works. A customer does something stupid, that person ceases to be a customer, that person gets fed to a dragon.
It's not that difficult to understand.
But no. Every damned day, I have to get messages about how I should treat the unwashed and uneducated masses of Vana'diel.
Dear [GM]Dave,
You should not treat customers that way. No matter how rude they become, you should act professional and treat them with respect.
Customer service is all about the customer. You should go out of your way to ensure all of the needs of your customers are met.
Opinionated in Onzozo
Dear Opinionated,
You're an idiot.
Customer service is about dealing with assholes who think they have the right to treat you like shit and be as retarded as is humanly possible.
Paying a bill is not a license to be a dick or a retard.
Also, the second someone breaks my ToS, they are no longer a customer. They are a criminal.
Last time I checked, there was no criminal service etiquette.
In closing, I invite you to kiss my ass.
Thanks for reading.
You fail at life,
[GM]Dave
3) Can't We All Just Get Along?
And why do people try and council me to control my anger?
I am anger.
I don't need your help/advice/opinion on why I am so angry. What I need is an e-mail filter that I can set to 'functionally retarded'.
Dear [GM]Dave,
Why are you so mean to Dark Knights? Did you have a bad experience with a DRK?
You don't need to be so angry. I'm sure if you calmed down, you'd feel much better and would enjoy your job much more.
Concerned in Castle O.
Dear Concerned,
I'm mean to DRKs because they deserve it. DRKis easily the most emo job in the game.
We're just lucky "Billy Talent" wasn't an advanced job.
I have had a bad experience with a DRK, though. I like to call it "every damned experience I've ever had with a Dark Knight. Ever".
And I love my job. I get paid to drink whisky and torture morons.
I'm like a school teacher with computer access.
In conclusion, feel free to shut the hell up.
You fail at life,
[GM]Dave
4) The "Expert"
And then comes my favourite type of stupid e-mail (or comment): the Expert.
These people feel that, even though they have zero training, zero experience, and a sub-zero IQ, they are somehow worthy to disseminate information and advice.
Or criticism.
The "Experts" are driven by feelings of gross inferiority to constantly try and correct others and point out flaws. This all comes down to them being complete and utter failures.
Dear [GM]Dave,
That photo you posted was "shopped". I can tell by looking at the pixels and from having seen many shops.
Retarded in Rabao
Dear Retarded,
You are a waste of carbon. Literally.
It actually makes me sad to know that someone as stupid as you actually exists.
Please do me a favor and go play in traffic.
You fail at life,
[GM]Dave
For future reference, if you plan on writing me an e-mail, take the time to read it back to yourself.
If it sounds stupid, go back and re-write it until it sounds less stupid.
Repeat this process until you have a letter that is not retarded.
And then delete it.
Leave me the hell alone.
posted by Goblin Smithy @ 4:52 PM
11 Comments:
How come with every post comes a blow-hard who thinks it's their duty to "find out Dave's true identity and administer justice".
Seriously, nobody cares. If you're going to try and do that crap, please do it quietly in the corner where all the not-dumbass people can ignore you.
Thanks.
I know I'm a little late to the party, but normally I read GM Daves blog and laugh until I fall off my chair! But in this instance I feel the need to reply to Nano, much as most of you have.
This is a comedy blog, if it ain't to you taste, remove the bookmark and not sully this blog again. As for GM Dave not being 'politically correct' WTF?? WHO CARES! If you want political correctness, stay away, oh and take you 'pc' and your obvious overuse of big words and stick 'em precisely where the sun don't shine!
As for the customer service bit, yeah, if you have to work dealing with the customer you'd understand, yep the whole lot of them are Retards with no exception.
Hell, that two pennys worth anyway, as usual, great posting GM Dave!
I know I'm a little late to the party, but normally I read GM Daves blog and laugh until I fall off my chair! But in this instance I feel the need to reply to Nano, much as most of you have.
This is a comedy blog, if it ain't to your taste, remove the bookmark and not sully this blog again. As for GM Dave not being 'politically correct' WTF?? WHO CARES! If you want political correctness, stay away, oh and take your 'pc' and your obvious overuse of big words and stick 'em precisely where the sun don't shine!
As for the customer service bit, yeah, if you have to work dealing with the customer you'd understand, yep the whole lot of them are Retards with no exception.
Hell, that two pennys worth anyway, as usual, great posting GM Dave!
[QUOTE] It's letter time, it's letter time. [/QUOTE]
You watch video and arcade top-ten? only place other than here I have heard that line on...
Great blog btw.
Hmmm... if GM Daves knows of V+A Top 10 then... HE MUST BE CANADIAN! :O! All hail GM Dave the Canadian!:D!
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
After nano posted, I saw a flame or two and skipped to the bottom... How sweet that while skimming the replies, I saw more flames and then Nano posting that they cheated! that is so freaking awesome!
Tards are like Chigoe, aren't they? You can't see them until they agro, and then they link like mad.
These days tards orbit around [GM]Dave like fleas on an elephant in Wajoom Woodlands.
Fyi, mde42, Dave never asked for donations.
If you had been reading from his first 2-3 posts, he originally had advertising on the site. His advertisers didn't believe that he was getting as many clicks as he was (he is/was pretty popular at the time) and didn't want to pay him. (Yay for big corporations... ugh).
Anyway, he never asked for donations. That was a suggestion made by quite a few posters and via email.
He has since set that up and received numerous donations for his work.
If you don't like it, don't read it, don't post here. Just because we read this, doesn't necessarily make us fan boys.
"Fan boys" are the ones that want to have [GM]Dave's babies. I just want a good laugh, and to say thanks, even though I haven't donated, I still get a good laugh every day after a bad day of working Cust. Service for a prepaid cellphone company.
"The [GM] is there to resolve actual problems, like being stuck in walls and the like, not to settle piddly ass arguments"
I think I remember someone getting banned for calling Dave about falling out of the airship... lol
stupid hackers.
I figured [GM]Dave was canadian as well. Just because, statistically, canadians write ouver 80% of the humour for the United States, mix in the fact that he has the V+A Top 10 reference, and the fact that the US government would probably kill of this blog to preserve the US-Japan relations, then I come to conclude that [GM]Dave is canadian... even if he speaks out against it....
I don't mind getting normal e-mails from people. Complimentary or not.
Quite often, I will get messages from people who criticize my writing or my behavior, and that's cool. I don't expect everyone to like me.
The e-mails that I do not like are the e-mails that are not intelligent. Make a point, have a purpose, do something.
Don't write me up to ask if you can write a blog entry. You can write your own. I think I've proven that it's not exactly difficult.
If you want to drop me a line, good or bad, then go ahead. Just don't be stupid about it.
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