The 2006 Stupids Continued!
Welcome back.Today's award goes out to a personal favorite of mine. His irrepressable spirit and naturally low intelligence make him a joy (read: torment) to deal with.
No matter how hard you try, this person just cannot get it. A trained monkey could learn faster than this guy.
Have you guessed the winner, yet?
That's right.
Today's award goes out to the...
"I have no clue about anything whatsoever" guy.
*applause*
This plucky fellow has dove head first into a complex game filled with menu systems, multiple maps, and social interactions, but has not taken the time to learn the simplest of skills.
Even when given proper guidance, this player is unable to grasp even the most basic of game principles.
The fact that they could log in at all is astounding.
Manuals means nothing to this person. I'm fairly certain they chew on the corner, checking for nutritional content, and then throw the manual away without even glancing inside.
I mean glancing inside might take away from the wonder of this majestic new world.
It might also make you slightly less retarded.
Can't have that, now can we?
Apparently, the only menu that is easy enough for them to navigate on their own is the GM call menu.
I can only assume this because of the sheer number of GM calls we receive that indicate a player has no idea how the game even works.
I'm pretty sure half of them thought they were installing Firefox.
After finishing up last night's award, I had to take a short shift to cover for another GM.
Stupid, lazy, "I need dialysis" jerk. I mean, I had plans to level up goldsmithing, you conceited idiot.
Some people think only of themselves.
And their kidneys.
Anyway, I had resolved to just ignore all GM calls and level up crafting afterall, when a call I just couldn't let go popped up.
GM Call Description: What is a moghouse?
Now, before I actually talked to the player, I started to wonder how stupid he could possibly be.
a) he doesn't know what a moghouse is
He must not have read the manual.
Or a forum.
Or looked at his map.
Or asked anyone.
b) he somehow decided that this was an emergency
After reading the menu screen warning against making unnecessary GM calls, he still decided that not knowing what a moghouse is classifies as an emergency.
I suppose when the smoke detector goes off in his house, he just curls up into the fetal position and cries.
Because I consider myself an afficianado of morons, I decided I just had to talk to this person.
[GM]Dave>> Hello, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you're looking for a moghouse.
Silence.
[GM]Dave>> Do you need help or not?
Silence.
[GM]Dave>> Sigh.
[GM]Dave>> To talk you type /t then a name and then your message.
Silence.
[GM]Dave>> Not your name. My name.
Tick tock tick tock.
Player>> Hello?
[GM]Dave>> Congratulations.
Player>> For what?
[GM]Dave>> You mastered the tell.
[GM]Dave>> You're practically 75 already.
Player>> Oh.
Player>> Cool then.
[GM]Dave>> Those commands are really tricky.
Player>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> Someone should write a book about them.
[GM]Dave>> And then we could include it with the game.
[GM]Dave>> I should write that idea down somewhere.
Player>> Uh...
Player>> How do you get a moghouse?
Internal struggle.
Should I be nice and just tell him to read the manual or should I punish him for his crimes against intelligence.
Not so much a struggle, to be honest.
[GM]Dave>> Woah! Slow down there.
[GM]Dave>> You can't just get a moghouse right away.
Player>> You can't?
[GM]Dave>> Oh, HELL NO!
[GM]Dave>> That's like high level stuff.
Player>> Oh.
Player>> I thought you could get one when you started.
[GM]Dave>> I don't know where you heard that.
[GM]Dave>> Next thing, you'll want to use the AH.
Player>> What's an AH?
[GM]Dave>> Oh, that's a monster.
[GM]Dave>> If you see a monster named 'Auction House'
[GM]Dave>> You should totally run away.
Player>> Ok. Got it.
[GM]Dave>> I figured you would.
[GM]Dave>> You seem smart.
Player>> So where do I put my extra stuff when I get it?
[GM]Dave>> Well, you click on the item.
[GM]Dave>> And then select "drop" from the menu.
Player>> I drop my stuff?
[GM]Dave>> Yeah. Just remember where you dropped it.
[GM]Dave>> You can come back and pick it up later.
Player>> That makes sense.
[GM]Dave>> It does, doesn't it?
Player>> Good thing.
Player>> My inventory is full of crystals.
[GM]Dave>> Make sure you write down where you drop stuff.
[GM]Dave>> I'd hate for you to lose it.
Player>> Thanks for the tip.
[GM]Dave>> I'm here to help.
Now, this is where I got really mean.
[GM]Dave>> Tell you what. You've been so nice...
[GM]Dave>> I have a gift for you.
Player>> Really?
[GM]Dave>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave would like to trade with you.
Trade completed.
Player>> What's a Haubergeon?
[GM]Dave>> It's a really amazing piece of high level armor.
[GM]Dave>> It's worth millions.
Player>> SERIOUSLY?!
Player>> Thanks.
[GM]Dave>> No problem.
[GM]Dave>> You won't be able to wear it for a long time.
Player>> I know, but I'll keep it until I can wear it.
[GM]Dave>> Won't it take up inventory space?
Player>> No.
Player>> I'll just drop it and pick it up later.
Can I really let him throw away a Haubergeon?
[GM]Dave>> Remember to write down where you drop it.
So, yes apparently.
Player>> I just dropped it and wrote down the location.
Player>> Thanks again.
[GM]Dave>> Anything for a player like you.
Now, if we were to fast forward a little while when he finally figures out what he just did, I'm pretty sure he's going to have a heart attack.
And when he places a GM call for help...
He gets fed to a dragon.
Isn't helping new players fun?
posted by Goblin Smithy @ 5:59 AM
10 Comments:
player>> How do I sort my AH menu?
>>player: Click an item like you're buying it.
Player>> Then /sort?
>>player: No. It's a button.
player>> Ok.
player>> I can't find the button on my keyboard.
>>player: It's in the MENU.
player>> I told you, it's not on my keyboard!
It's a shame there's no /killself command.
OMG!!!!!!! You had him throw away a Hauby!!!!!!!!
[faints]
Seriously, that was priceless!!!!
I can't wait for this kid to realize what he did, and then place another GM call. Wow [GM]Dave - you have outdone yourself! Bravo!!!!
Shit man. I'm a WoW player and we have to deal with that sort of thing all the time on the general chat channel. I'm glad somebody out there can wage an effective war against internet rpg stupidity. Fed to a dragon = genius. This site is definitely going on my links area.
To make something clear:
I have no problem with newbs. It's n00bs I hate.
A newb is a new player willing to try and learn.
A n00b is any player who refuses to learn anything.
Actually, a better analogy would be a tourist calling 911 for directions while holding a map and having immediate access to countless online map resources.
GM calls are for emergencies only. They are not something you do when you are too:
a) lazy
b) stupid
c) a) & b)
to just do your own research.
He did get that response. A big menu popped up and said "this is for emergencies" and he placed the call anyway.
And, yes, if a tourist in my analogy asked me for directions with all of those resources, I would lie to his face.
"3 miles down, take a left. If you hit the Dairy Queen, you went too far.
Can't miss it."
For those who were wondering (maybe you placed a GM call asking?) the comments prove it:
Tards link.
MrBlogger, you're missing the entire point of this blog. Hell, the title of this is Bannable Offenses.
For every single thing he's posted about, he could have banned each and every player. But instead of take the game away from these poor, unfortunate souls, he has given them another option. He has given them the chance to continue playing, but for a price.
In this particular case, he could have just banned the player for violating the ToS/EULA. He is not paid to dictiate the user manual in verbatim to every idiot who doesn't bother to read it. Granted, he isn't paid to torment users, but hey, some of these people need it.
Now Dave had to make a choice. Take the game from this person, or allow them to keep playing, but teach them a valuable lesson to go with it. Dave is a compassionate man. He allowed the user to continue to play the game.
If you don't like what he's doing, don't read the blog. After man years of customer service and putting up to similar crap that Dave has, I congratulate him for finding a way to make his job enjoyable for himself. Eventually these people will be making the game not enjoyable for us, so he's doing everyone else a favor.
So, I started out a GM.
Then, people thought I was a jerk.
Then, I became a hero.
And now, I'm a civil rights leader.
Tomorrow, KING!
Silently wished?
oh HELL NO. Here's a scene from grocery shopping:
LifeTard>> Hey, you've got a lot of stuff, mind if I go ahead of you? I've only got these 15 things.
Reeree>> Get cancer and die.
LifeTard>> Thx.
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