Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Secret F&%@ING Santa

Okay, this happened over the [GM]Dave Blackout of 2009, but I thought it was worth sharing.

Some of the guys at work decided to organize a secret Santa thing. You know, everyone draws a name and gets that person a relatively inexpensive gift so we all feel like friends and not just the random people I happen to sit next to for 8 hours a day.

Merry Christmas, random meat bag.

Still, it was a simple way for me to justify receiving an extra present, so what the hell, right?

I mean, we all kind of know how the freaking secret Santa system works. You spend 15 or 20 dollars on something they want and you get something you want in return. None of this retarded clothes or socks or underwear bullshit that various relatives try and pull.

Plus, we all work for a video game company. How hard is it to figure this shit out? You go to Gamestop and buy something between 15 and 20 dollars.

Or a gift card. Just buy a gift card.

It's not impersonal. It's efficient.

So, we're opening our little secret Santa gifts. Were kind of going around in a random order, but the general trend seems to be holding true. Pretty much everything is video game related and everyone is quite pleased.

See? Easy.

Then I get to my gift.

Someone hands me a cylindrical gift. I immediately assume that some mistake has occurred until someone points out that my name is on it.

Oh, joy. My secret Santa has gone off script.

I open it and inside is a mug.

A mug.

Like a coffee mug.

A coffee mug that says "You don't have to be crazy to work here... But it helps."


No, no. There had to be something else around here for me. I look inside the mug. I look in the wrapping paper. I look around the room.

Nope... This is it.

A... Mug.

You know, they say it's the thought that counts.

Apparently, my secret Santa thought "Gee, how can I be the biggest prick in the history of the world? Hmmm...Oh, I know. Mug."

Who the F&%@ gives someone a mug for Christmas? Do I look like an 80 year old woman?

Spoiler: No.

A mug is never, ever, ever considered an acceptable Christmas present.


See, there are two types of people: people who drink coffee and people who don't. People who drink coffee already have mugs and people who don't drink coffee don't need mugs.

It is an entirely useless gift. You might as well buy them a card that says "I don't know anything about you. F&%@ you."

I was searching for the words to express my feelings when I heard someone say "You're welcome."


No, it was not meant ironically.

I tried to look happy. I really, really did. I smiled and everything.

I don't know how the mug slipped out of my hand.

I really don't know how it hit him in the side of the head.

One of those freak things, I guess.

You know what wouldn't have hurt hitting him in the side of the head? A FREAKING GIFT CARD!

Honestly, who gives someone a mug?

Thius is why I hate people.


At 9:41 PM, Blogger Mil'bereth said...

Was it a nice heavy one? Could make a nice projectile for the next person who pisses you off...or that guy

At 9:42 PM, Blogger Mil'bereth said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At 11:14 PM, Blogger Blueyez said...

That's a secret santa fail.

At 11:41 PM, Blogger Kevin said...

i agree, secret santa fails. i've had to do this a few times at work, and like i know or care about any of the malcontents other than the 4 people i happen to work with.

At 12:02 AM, Blogger Dorian Mode said...

"Merry Christmas, random meat bag."

Now that's the spirit. I see why the whole secret Santa thing is such a joy for you.

Damn funny, man.

At 5:20 AM, Blogger Ken said...

just fill it with some JD...better than a kick in the balls

At 9:52 AM, Blogger Tim said...

At the very least he could have gotten you a stein.

Drink your alcohol the way the Vikings did, from a 2 liter cup!

At 12:21 PM, Blogger Leut said...

I'd have given you an ornately decorated box with a terd wrapped precariously with gift tissue paper. That and a bottle of Jack.

At 5:34 PM, Blogger Salt said...

At the very least he could have gotten you a stein.

Drink your alcohol the way the Vikings did, from a 2 liter cup!

I'm sure then some idiot would then have gotten him:


At 6:45 PM, Blogger kevkos said...

They know you're crazy, and love drinking? Sounds like a perfect gift.

At 10:08 PM, Blogger Ruku said...

I disagree that mugs make crappy gifts...

I mean, I got this:

At 9:29 AM, Blogger Daniel said...

A friend of a friend of a friend... (long story short) someone's testicle exploded and they had to go to the hospital removed.

Anyway, they get him a mug that said: "It's all fun and games until someone loses a testicle".

I think it's perfect.

At 8:34 PM, Blogger kevkos said...


I hope he didn't laugh so hard he busted the other one.

At 11:45 PM, Blogger Tyler said...

I actually collect coffee mugs sorta.

For my Secret Santa thing I suggested that he either buy me a PlayStation Store money card or a coffee mug.

He got me the PSN card, so I was happy either way.

At 7:08 PM, Blogger Geert said...

Hi Dave,

I've been reading your blog for a few years now, but I've never posted a comment until now. I'm glad to hear your friend is doing ok. I also had an uncle with H1N1 flu, it was a hectic time. It truly makes you think on the important things in life.

You shouldn't be so angry all the time. While it makes for a funny blog I sometimes worry about you. However I really enjoy your writing and sense of humour. We don't have a computer at our home, but when we go to our grandfather we can sometimes use theirs. Then we stay up late and catch up on your stories until we must go to bed. Sometimes grandfather brings us a print so we can read at our home.

I hope you will be blessed with many days of life.

Nice greetings.

PS: Hopefully you may read it well, I have translated it with my sister.

At 10:59 AM, Blogger Hyrina said...

That's EXACTLY what someone at work got me for Christmas! And then she tried to tell me it cost her $10 so she thought that instead of giving me back the $20 she owes me, she now only owes me $10. Uhm... no. Doesn't work that way.


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