Saturday, December 26, 2009

How Not To Be Retarded - Vol. 7

Here's the Golden F&%@ing Rule to not being a total retard.

Are you paying attention?

I'm serious here. You better be memorizing this shit like there was going to be a test later.

Yes, there will be a test later.

No, I don't have any idea how exactly I would make you all take a test, but I'm sure I can figure something out.


The one, simple, easy, perfect rule of not being retarded is paying attention.

I know. It really doesn't look that impressive at first.

At first.

But, if you take some time to consider it, the real depth of this rule starts to hit you.

See, the best thing you can do to ensure you not being retarded is to pay attention every time, every single time, someone else does something retarded.

And then not doing that.

This is kind of like on the job training, but instead of learning a new skill, you're learning how not to be a f&%@ing retard.

Oh, someone just did something retarded, so goddamned retarded that you threw up in your mouth a little.

Yeah, you better write that shit down. That way, in the future when you have the choice of doing the same thing, your brain can say "Wait... Why does this seem familiar?"

Through your own horrible experiences, you can actually develop your very own encyclopedia retardica that you can then reference to keep yourself from becoming one of the drooling morons that make all of our lives a living hell.

Just pay attention.

Plus, it will be great evidence should you not follow your own rules and I am then forced to come to your house and murder you.

It probably won't come to that. I'm trying to cut down on the murdering.

Self-improvement and all that.

[GM]Dave's Self-Improvement List

1) get in better shape
2) learn Japanese
3) kill fewer people

But at least if I have to, I'll have some hard evidence to show the jury about why I had to kill yet again.

[GM]Dave>> He wrote it right there.
[GM]Dave>> "I hate undercutters."
[GM]Dave>> Then he undercut the AH by 20%.
[GM]Dave>> Everything after that was justified.
Judge>> Hell yeah.
Judge>> You're free to go.
[GM]Dave>> Can I get my hammer back?

I'm not asking you to do an anthropology project about retarded people. I'm not asking you to do doctorate thesis research about it.

Just pay attention to everything you hate.

Then remember it.

This is not rocket surgery.

Learn what retards do and then don't do that.

Pay attention.



At 9:02 PM, Blogger Jon said...

Start a poll with questions. Then when we take the poll, boom, there's your test.

At 11:27 PM, Blogger Bufuman said...

Is it a good or a bad thing if you're inspired to learn Japanese from anime and shit?

Don't get me wrong, that's not ENTIRELY why I want to learn Japanese. I've always wanted to learn a second language, and Japanese would be the most practical for me based on the above reason (it would either be that or Spanish due to the high Mexican population here in Nebraska, and screw that, they can learn English and if they don't like it, they can GTFO).

Plus it would be nice to be able to curse in a foreign language during a bad day at work and get away with it because no one knows what the hell I just said.

At 2:15 AM, Blogger Gambler_Justice said...

I don't think learning Japanese because of anime etc. is a bad thing. If you love anime - what's wrong with wanting to learn more about Japanese culture? Provided you don't act like a retard by assuming that since they gave us anime, everything Japanese is automatically superior to anything else.

Rocket surgery sounds amazing. They should do a Trauma Center game about that.

At 2:17 AM, Blogger Gambler_Justice said...

Correction, I don't think *wanting* to learn Japanese because of anime is a bad thing. Of course, there's nothing wrong with learning the language from it either.

At 11:08 AM, Blogger kevkos said...

That's my f*&king hammer!

At 5:32 PM, Blogger HannahJ said...

what makes you the grand authority on this? you're a total idiot.

At 7:11 PM, Blogger Jakk Frost said...

"what makes you the grand authority on this? you're a total idiot."

Case in point...

And btw, it's Dave's blog, he can be the grand authority on anything he wants. Nothing, anywhere, in an law book or rules of indoctrination of any form says "you must read this blog".

And the fact of the matter is that 99.9% of the time the majority of us know that Dave is right, and we agree with him, therefore the majority of US make him the grand authority.

Besides, by calling him an idiot, are you arguing that it's your right to be a retard. Are you saying it's idiotic to pay attention, (an argument that today's A.D.D. generation might think is valid) and not make the same mistakes other retards make?

I'm just asking, you know, for clarification.

At 9:13 PM, Blogger Daniel said...

@ Jakk Frost

... Damn you beat me to it. I was going to call Hannah on her dumb post, but you got there first.

Besides, it's kind of ridiculous to ask someone about their authority without presenting any of your own credentials... where's your authority for calling people on their authority?

Dave has a PhD on on authority! Take THAT!

At 9:21 PM, Blogger Jon said...

I just think it's stupid to criticize someone on their own blog. Not that she doesn't have the right to, with free speech and all, but obviously the majority of the people who read this blog are fans so it's not like she would get far in expressing her opinions. Plus with Dave's "persona" it's not like he would tolerate that shiz anyhoo.

At 9:56 PM, Blogger Matthew said...

I think [GM] Dave might have to postpone his "kill fewer people" Self-Improvement goal to lay down the law.

At 11:01 PM, Blogger Blueyez said...

HannahJ, insults are so much less effective when you can't even use proper sentence structure.

Dave, Encyclopedia Retardica??? I just fell off my couch laughing!

Bufuman, you have Mexicans in Nebraska? Who knew...

At 9:33 AM, Blogger Hylian said...

encyclopedia retardica - genius.

unfortunately, playing this game requires you to pay attention to a LOT of retarded stuff. sometimes it's too fast for me to document. thankfully, morons will always redo the same damn mistake.

this is why dave is here to punish them. negative reinforcement. you see, he's only one man. he's actually doing you a FAVOR when he feeds you to a dragon. that's a "do not be retarded" lesson not only for you, but for everyone. stupidity, ignorance, and obliviousness need to be stomped on, not catered around. man... if only there were more gm's like dave in the game...

At 7:26 PM, Blogger Mil'bereth said...

"1) get in better shape
2) learn Japanese
3) kill fewer people"

Let me tell you, this has helped me considerably in the past 5 years.

Nihongo wa sugoi desu. Its so much easier a language than English.

And I have lower blood pressure since I've moved to a more rural area and stopped killing people.

At 8:27 PM, Blogger Jon said...

Moving to a rural area doesn't necessarily mean you've killed less people. It may just mean that there are less people to kill!

At 11:46 PM, Blogger Kahsha said...

What were we talking about?
Sorry, I wasn't paying attention.

At 2:24 AM, Blogger Daniel said...

Not killing people. At least I think that's what we are talking about.

Yes, I agree to the rural areas having less people to kill. But I disagree about the general point you are making. When there are less people, it's statistically probable that there are less retards to kill, so you really are killing less people.

Because less people need killing.

Also, I've learned some japanese. It is a great language. Sadly I've had other things to do and I am now, promptly, forgetting everything I learned.

At 9:15 AM, Blogger iHeartDimSum said...

Hey all! I'm not sure if anyone is still reading the comments thread to this post, but if you're interested in learning a bit more about 'HannaJ', here's where you should look.

I did a bit of research to find out who she was after she posted a ridiculous comment on my blog where I had used the word 'retarded' (quoting somebody else). Turns out, she's a mother of a child with down syndrome. And that she appears to google the term 'retard' and then visits any blog or other social commentary site to attack the poster. Way to advocate for your child...

And here's where she shares a bit about herself and her husband (who contrary to her, can actually write something meaningful about mental disability without sounding like a dumbass). Her info is a partial way down the list of comments.



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