Tuesday, January 12, 2010

I Am A F&%@ING Genius

I have officially, OFFICIALLY, come up with the greatest idea in the history of the freaking world.

Seriously. There are people coming by later with a certificate and everything. It's this really nice white color. That's bone. And the lettering is something called Sicilian Rail.

Now, you're probably asking yourself what this amazing, spectacular, incredible idea is.

I don't care if you used that many adjectives. I like adjectives and I will use them as I please.

Are you ready for this?

I don't think you're ready for this.

I give you...

The [GM]Dave Center for MMORPG Addiction.

Huh? Huh? Isn't that the greatest f&%@ing idea you've ever heard?

Our center will be dedicated to helping people overcome MMORPG addiction and learning to game moderately and responsibly. People who are addicted to playing MMOs can commit themselves to a four week stay in which they will undergo intense treatment and testing to ensure they game in healthy ways.

Doesn't that sound awesome?

What do you mean "no"?

I'm going to assume you said "no" for theatrical purposes. If you did not say "no", please say it now so that we can continue.


We good?


What do you mean "no"? This is the greatest idea EVER.


See, the description I just gave is what you tell your spouse/parents/family/friends/dog/whatever.

In reality, you will spend four solid weeks playing the MMORPG of your choice with absolutely no distractions.

No kids.

No wife/husband.

No work.

Just you and four straight weeks of as much gaming as you can stand without your eyes bleeding.

Or let them bleed.

Whatever. We'll pick up some Visine or something.

Your family/friends think you're off getting treatment for your "abnormal behavior", while you're actually playing your freaking ass off in a resort.

I mean center.

Hell, the other people at the center can help you play. Boom! Instant linkshell.

Four beautiful weeks of playing the game you love.

And then, and this is the best part, when your four weeks are over, we send you back with a very official looking report stating that you do not meet the clinical definition of addiction and that it is simply a controlled obsession.

Then, if they start up with that addiction shit again, you call the center and sign up for additional treatment.

It's beautiful.

So, to summarize:

-a full month of uninterrupted gaming
-getting to hang out and play with other serious gamers
-"official" proof that you aren't actually addicted and that everyone who said that is a moron

The only way I could make this idea any better is if we built the center next to a Cheerleader Nymphomania treatment facility.


I need to make some calls.


At 7:29 PM, Blogger Retromash said...

Sign me up.

At 8:37 PM, Blogger Branden said...

I'm in!

At 8:46 PM, Blogger Heresy said...

love the American Psycho reference :D

At 9:11 PM, Blogger David said...

Sicilian Rail? Seriously?

I would have thought Qwigley

At 10:03 PM, Blogger Blaid said...

I endorse your ideas and would very much like to subscribe to your newsletter.

At 10:39 PM, Blogger Ryuujinx said...

Reading your blog has made me start playing FFXI.


For like. The 7th time.

I want my dragoon gear back...

Also: Sign me up!

At 11:38 PM, Blogger Bufuman said...

I too would re-subscribe to FFXI with that shit.

Wait, what about other, non-MMOs? I gots a backlog of classic RPGs to play.

...well, either way, sign me the hell up!

At 2:07 AM, Blogger Christopher said...

Its genius is only limited by the fact that I did not think of it, first.

At 3:16 AM, Blogger steve martin said...

best idea evar

At 3:34 AM, Blogger Ben said...

It goes without saying... You're a genius, Dave.

At 5:09 AM, Blogger Pimp Midget said...

I thought this was going to be another rant on the whole 'MMORPG addiction treatment'.

I said 'No'. Prepared myself to go to another website and save the whole fifteen seconds it would take for me to read the post ( that I was assuming I had read before )

Then my mouth dropped.

Best idea ever. EVER.

At 5:13 AM, Blogger Ken said...

sign me up for at least a year of "treatment"

At 5:14 AM, Blogger Grenade71822 said...

Here are some more advantages.

1. You will learn to play better or get a hammer to the face.
2. You will learn how to communicate properly with other people or a hammer to he face.
3. You may actually get better at the game.

At 6:06 AM, Blogger Zell said...

Although the Nympho Cheerleader treatment facility next door has no sway over me, it's still genius.

Check me in!

At 6:26 AM, Blogger Lenwe said...

Pure genius.

At 6:32 AM, Blogger Autumn said...

You CAN'T build the resort next to a nymphomania treatment center for cheerleaders; that'd distract everyone from the raids!

Otherwise I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

At 7:30 AM, Blogger Pirre said...

I'm in.

At 8:36 AM, Blogger FFXI Static Group 75orBust said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At 8:38 AM, Blogger Russell said...

Raids!? Really the only way to ruin this idea is to let WOW players in. And if you dont play WOW...try to substitute the word events in to avoid being confused for playing a lesser MMO

At 8:48 AM, Blogger Jguy said...


My name is Jguy and I have an MMORPG addiction. Sign me up.

At 10:17 AM, Blogger Duncan7 said...

There is something that makes it even better. If you have health insurance the company will cover the cost of the stay. So, you're committed for a month of non-stop gaming. No one to interupt or otherwise complain to you. You are "cured" of your condition. Finally, it is free! Epic! Also, a relapse lands you back for more free, in ever sense of the word, gaming. On top of that, you get nympho cheerleaders as a bonus! What's not to like about that deal?

At 10:21 AM, Blogger Duncan7 said...

Oh, and I forgot. Rule number one: No one talks about MMORPG treatment.

At 12:05 PM, Blogger Alki said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At 12:06 PM, Blogger Alki said...

This IS the greatest idea ever.....I LOVE you in the mouth! Sign me up. Twice!

At 12:19 PM, Blogger Rer said...

Hahahaha, this is awesome.

At 12:48 PM, Blogger Curddles said...

Sign me up!

At 1:19 PM, Blogger Leut said...

As long as you don't put it up next to a food addiction clinic. No fat chicks.

At 3:33 PM, Blogger Blueyez said...

Not that Nympho cheerleaders do anything for me anyways but I agree that it would just be a distraction. How are you supposed to focus on 4 straight weeks of brain bleeding non stop gaming when there's hot women shoving their large bouncy breasts in your face constantly? Then again it would certainly keep the guys distracted enough that I'd be able to get pop on that nm they were camping... Hmm.

At 4:14 PM, Blogger Jakk Frost said...

Kinda makes me wonder what Dave's 12-step program for MMORPG.A. would be...

At 6:14 PM, Blogger Ben said...

To the people who said the nympho cheerleaders wouldn't do anything for you, you're either:

A) A chick

B) Gay

C) Lying

And since there are no women on the internet, it must be either B or C.

At 8:11 PM, Blogger Jared James said...

I would love to assist by lining up deep-pocketed investors.

Unfortunately, if I knew any deep-pocketed investors, I wouldn't be talking to you right now, so I'll just recommend the "center" to all the deep-pocketed nerds I can find. Those, I know plenty of.

At 11:21 PM, Blogger Rage said...

Fuck yeah!

At 12:02 AM, Blogger Dragon Chow said...

Everyone who signed up; your crazy. To prove it, I'll go NEXT DOOR. Yea...I said it first.
I got your certificate right here.

At 6:40 AM, Blogger Autumn said...

I agree that WoW's an inferior game.

There are raids in LOTRO, too. :P

At 6:30 AM, Blogger Jason said...

My First thought was 'pure genius!' quickly followed by 'Dear god, the smell after a few days would kill me.'

Make sure your 'Patients' are forced to take showers. Otherwise it could become unpleasant. After all everyone knows us gamers are a filthy breed.

At 10:50 AM, Blogger Heresy said...

about showers...

or have the nympho cheerleaders give the gamers daily sponge baths

At 1:22 PM, Blogger Andrew said...

The best part: after four weeks of hardcore, non-stop MMO playing. You'll probably want to take a gaming break when you get home. Thus reinfocing the effectiveness of the "treatment"!

Brilliant sir, truly brilliant.

At 4:30 PM, Blogger ^Veronika Teixeira^ =) said...

I'm in! Where do I sign?


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