Shoot. Self.I was sitting around yesterday thinking about everything I have going on in my life. You know, all of the things that eat away at my day.
Between the wife, the daughter, working, blogging, and playing video games, there's roughly 17 minutes of my day that aren't accounted for.
Some day in the future, I hope to sleep again.
Anyway, having decided I just had WAY too much free time, I decided to get a second job.
Or a third if you include the blogging.
Fourth if you include the fact that I'm a registered sex machine.
Seriously. There's a certificate and everything.
And what would my new job be? Firefighter? Experimental jet pilot? Mild-mannered news reporter?
Yes, Tech Support.
No, I don't know why I do this to myself.
No, I don't know why I hate myself.
You're probably thinking that they're paying me an ungodly amount of money. That is the only possible reason to put myself through that kind of torment.
Not so much.
My boss isn't actually paying me.
Half of you are confused. The other half know exactly where this is going because it's happened to them too.
This is how my first call went.
[GM]Dave>> Tech Support. Dave speaking.
[GM]Dave>> How can I help you today?
Susan>> There's something wrong with my computer.
[GM]Dave>> Uh huh.
[GM]Dave>> Can you tell me what kind of computer you're using?
Susan>> You're right there.
Susan>> You can see it.
[GM]Dave>> Uh huh.
[GM]Dave>> Have you contacted your system administrator?
Susan>> THAT'S YOU.
[GM]Dave>> What seems to be the problem?
Susan>> Why are we pretending we're on the phone?
[GM]Dave>> I didn't catch that, ma'am.
[GM]Dave>> Could you speak directly into the phone?
Susan>> Fine. Whatever.
Susan>> It's acting funny.
[GM]Dave>> Is it performing unwanted actions?
[GM]Dave>> Or is it doing impressions?
Susan>> You know what I mean.
[GM]Dave>> Please be more clear, ma'am.
[GM]Dave>> What exactly is it doing?
Susan>> I'm getting pop-ups.
Susan>> And some programs aren't working.
[GM]Dave>> Okay... Got it...
[GM]Dave>> Let's reboot the system and see if that helps.
Susan>> That didn't work.
Susan>> You just watched me reboot the thing.
Susan>> Rebooting doesn't help.
[GM]Dave>> Let's go ahead and shut it down.
Susan>> Are you getting me to reboot it again?
[GM]Dave>> Go ahead and shut it down.
Susan>> I'm seriously going to hurt you if that's it.
[GM]Dave>> Is it shut down yet?
Susan>> You know it is.
Susan>> You're twelve feet away.
[GM]Dave>> Okay... Let's just wait a minute.
Susan>> If you're just doing a reboot...
Susan>> I swear to God, I will punch you in the trachea.
[GM]Dave>> Just a minute.
Susan>> I'm not kidding.
[GM]Dave>> Okay, go ahead and start her back up.
Susan>> I hate you.
[GM]Dave>> Did that fix the problem?
Susan>> You know it didn't.
[GM]Dave>> Uh huh, uh huh.
[GM]Dave>> What were you doing when you noticed the problem?
Susan>> I was downloading episodes of Project Runway.
[GM]Dave>> What kind of virus scanner were you using?
Susan>> I have no idea.
Susan>> Did you put one on there?
[GM]Dave>> So... You were visiting random websites.
[GM]Dave>> With no actual virus protection?
Susan>> Only a bunch of Chinese ones.
[GM]Dave>> ... Wow.
Susan>> What do I do?
[GM]Dave>> Do you have Windows?
[GM]Dave>> Open the nearest and place the computer outside.
[GM]Dave>> It'll be safe now.
She didn't find that part funny.
You know what I didn't find funny? Spending the next six hours trying to fight off the horde of viruses that she had let gangrape her computer.
Oh, and a rootkit. A rootkit that disabled any and all rootkit removal tools.
You'd think that they would mention that on the download site.
Warning: This program doesn't do shit.
A rootkit removal program that fails to remove a rootkit has failed on a fundamental level.
Hours and hours of work trying to save files and pictures only to have to reformat the entire thing and spend ANOTHER six hours downloading and reinstalling everything.
Along with six virus scanners.
Don't worry, computer. I won't let the bad woman hurt you anymore.