Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Statute of Limitations

I don't mind when people make GM calls to ask questions. We are there at the service of players and to answer any questions they may have no matter how inane.

Shhhhh. Just pretend that's true.

What bothers me though is when people make GM calls to complain about things.

The GM petition system is not a complaints line. This is not a glorified call centre and it is not our job to listen to people bitch.

We do have one guy in charge of handling complaints.

Pictured: Complaints Manager

I don't think you want to talk to him either.

I mean, you can go ahead and try to talk to him, but your question better involve the quickest way to get digested by a large purple lizard.

Despite the fact that we're not here to listen to your retarded bitching, that makes up roughly 80-90% of all GM calls.

Fine. Whatever.

I talk to you for four minutes and then I destroy your character, ban your account, ruin your credit rating, and mail you an incendiary device.

It's a living.

What REALLY bothers me though is when people make GM calls to bitch about shit that we've put aside for YEARS.

There are certain truths to the world of Vana'diel.


Truth 1) There are no male mithras

Quit your freaking bitching already. You are actively making complaints calls because you don't get to pretend you're a cat man.

That is sad on multiple levels. It is the meta-sad.

Truth 2) Elvaans have low dexterity

Elvaans have the dexterity of a blind kid with cerebral palsy. That's not an insult, it's a statement of fact.

Seriously, an Elvaan can throw his hat at the ground and miss.

Truth 3) Galkas have terrible mp

This one... This is the one we get the most complaint calls about. We are deluged on a regular basis with people making emergency GM calls to complain about this obvious imbalance.

You're right. It is obvious.

Just like it was obvious when the first game came out.

The very first players logged in and said "Holy shit! This hairy ape-thing has some retarded mp right here."



I don't give a freaking damn if this is the first time you ever noticed or the first time you decided to complain.


The rest of the community has come to terms with this. While we haven't really agreed with it, we have come to accept it.

Do you know what really helped?





I'm not saying you've got to like it. When your retarded Galka Summoner can only keep his avatar out for three quarters of a second, that's f&%@ed up.

Do you know what it's not?


I got a call today. Yet another in the never ending tide of stupid, retarded, useless calls about shit we've all known for years.

Spoiler: I'm not a fan of these calls.

GM Call Description: Complaint about Galka mp

He didn't even try and hide it. He didn't even bother to get all vague about it in hopes of surprising me with his awesome observational skills.

I had to at least respect his bravery in the face of certain death.

Suddenly, I decide to give him a shot.

No, no. Not shoot him.

You'd think I mistreated players or something.

No, I decided to give him the chance to actually sell me on his complaint. I decided to give him five minutes to convince me that his points are valid and not the same tired shit people have been saying for years.

I have no idea why I decided to do that. Apparently, he caught [GM]Dave in one of his incredibly rare good, non-homicidal moods.

It had to happen eventually.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you're a time traveler.
Player>> What?
Player>> You mean like a Cavernous Maw thing?
Player>> No, that's not me.
[GM]Dave>> Yeah...
[GM]Dave>> That's what I meant.
[GM]Dave>> Why don't you just tell me your problem?
Player>> Well, I wanted to complain about Galkas.
[GM]Dave>> Is it the ugly?
[GM]Dave>> We tried to warn everyone with the character creator.
[GM]Dave>> There's just no need for that.
Player>> No, no.
Player>> I play a Galka.
[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry.
Player>> I wasn't offended.
[GM]Dave>> No, I'm sorry you have to look at a Galka all day.
Player>> ...
Player>> ... Anyway, I wanted to complain about their mp.
[GM]Dave>> What about it?
Player>> It's too low.
[GM]Dave>> I'm not following.
Player>> Galka mp.
Player>> It's too low.
[GM]Dave>> Sir, the mp status bar is a fixed part of the GUI.
[GM]Dave>> It would be impossible to move it at this time.
Player>> No. That's not what I...
Player>> I mean the amount of mp they get.
[GM]Dave>> What about it?
Player>> It's too low.
[GM]Dave>> What's too low?
Player>> Their mp.
[GM]Dave>> Sir, the mp status bar is a fixed part of the GUI.
[GM]Dave>> It would be impossible to move it at this time.

At this point, I've decided to just screw it and drive him insane.

I don't have the kind of attention span it would take to keep humoring this guy. I might as well get some amusement out of the whole thing.

Everyone needs a hobby.

Player>> NO.
Player>> Galkas don't get enough mp.
[GM]Dave>> For what?
Player>> Pretty much anything.
[GM]Dave>> They can't cast any spells?
Player>> No, they can cast spells.
[GM]Dave>> Then I guess it's good for something.
Player>> Yeah, but...
Player>> But... They can't cast a lot of spells.
[GM]Dave>> Why not?
Player>> Because their mp is too low.
[GM]Dave>> What's too low?
Player>> Their mp.
[GM]Dave>> Sir, the mp status bar is a fixed part of the GUI.
[GM]Dave>> It would be impossible to move it at this time.
Player>> STOP THAT!
[GM]Dave>> Stop what?
Player>> You're driving me insane.
[GM]Dave>> Sir, it wasn't a very far trip.
[GM]Dave>> Engine didn't even get warm.
Player>> I want to file a complaint.
Player>> Galkas don't get enough mp.
Player>> It's not fair.
[GM]Dave>> Really?
[GM]Dave>> They don't get the same amount as everyone else?
Player>> Exactly.
[GM]Dave>> Really?!
Player>> ... Are you ebing sarcastic?
[GM]Dave>> NO!
Player>> This isn't funny.
[GM]Dave>> I'm laughing.
Player>> I want something done about this.
Player>> I DEMAND you do something about this.
[GM]Dave>> Sure, sir. No problem.
[GM]Dave>> I'll just hop in my time machine over here...
[GM]Dave>> And go back to when people actually gave a shit.
Player>> But it's not fair. It's unbalanced.
Player>> The other races are different.
[GM]Dave>> Are you honestly arguing that the different races...
[GM]Dave>> ... Are different?
Player>> Exactly.
[GM]Dave>> Wait...
[GM]Dave>> Was I being sarcastic that time or were you?
[GM]Dave>> It's getting hard to tell.
Player>> Sigh...
Player>> Can I just file a complaint please?
[GM]Dave>> What about?
Player>> About the Galka mp thing.
[GM]Dave>> What about it?
Player>> It's too lo... Go f&%@ yourself.
[GM]Dave>> Would you like me to transfer you to the complaints manager?

Recap for you newcomers:

Complaints Manager

Player>> Yes, please.


Area: Mordion Gaol

Player>> Wait...
Player>> What's going on?

Jormungand hits Player for 12,587 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> Hey, look at that.
[GM]Dave>> Your hp is low, too.

People, it's understandble that there are things about the game that you do not like.

There are things about the game that I don't like.

Players, for instance.

The important thing to remember is to leave that shit in the forum thread you necrobumped from three years ago when people were still worried about this crap.

And not bother me.



At 9:47 PM, Blogger Sean said...

[GM]Dave>> Hey, look at that.
[GM]Dave>> Your hp is low, too.

That make be laugh for a good minute.

At 9:51 PM, Blogger Soren said...

Seriously? People actually complain about that?

That's like complaining that Taru's have low hp. REALLY? Nowai!

If you wanted to play a magic-using job, you should have picked a better race for it... That's kinda why the game gave you 5 choices.


At 11:17 PM, Blogger Bufuman said...

Technically, Dave, there IS the one Manthra in the game, but he's not playable or anything.

...oh shit, I said the M-word, didn't I? I recall from an ancient post that you hate that.

*starts packing his suitcase for his all-expenses-paid trip through a dragon's gullet and beyond*

At 11:25 PM, Blogger Beniki said...

Ahh... it's been a while since Barney's angry cousin ate anyone.

Poor fella must have been hungry.

At 5:04 AM, Blogger Biglen said...

That is hilarous!!!

Only put in two GM calls since I've played the game and that was for a speed hacker and something else stupid something about Galka races being to big to run around or something . . . :P jj. Love the blog

At 8:26 AM, Blogger mijean said...

Beeing a galka myself, i still say there's some illogism in there.

A galka blu 75 can't even cast all his spells, body slam costs 350mp, i don't even have them without stuff, and this is stupid. Every race should be able to cast ALL their spell without stuff.

I don't ask for 650-700mp like my taru friend has, but damn, i'd like to cast my spells at least once '-'

At 8:28 AM, Blogger Katherine said...

I've made like... probably around 15 GM calls in my time playing. That's some retarded crap right there. You don't call a GM for "mp is too low" - you call a GM for someone stalking you in game making multi characters so they can spam you with hate messages so you get something on the record so you can get them banned to hell. You call a GM when you see a crew of gilsellers rampaging through CN in the alliance of ultimate fail with their one power leveler chaining (back in the day of trains) monsters all over your legitimate party. You call a GM when you get stuck in a zone or between a ledge and the water below it unable to move even after logging out twice.

... not MP issues for crying out loud!

At 2:39 PM, Blogger Mil'bereth said...

You know what most other games with multiple races do? Have different jobs for different races. Why? Because a Dwarf Sorcerer is just Fu#%in retarded!

Go play MNK, WAR, SAM, NIN, or some other job and STFU!

I'm elvaan and I know I can't hit the broad side of a star at point blank range without PCC and two woodsman rings.

Do I bitch about it? Only when I piss away an entire quiver of arrows and not connect once.

Do I call a GM? F no...You should ditch the free trial to clean out the /tell spamming scumbags, and institute an IQ test to create a character. Problem solved...somewhat.

At 3:48 PM, Blogger Jeffrey Mathis said...

Start sending the complainers over to WoW. Blizzard has already proved they will change the core game mechanics (several times) purely because of bitching from players.

At 5:01 PM, Blogger Leut said...

I'd like to complain about my sex life.

What's wrong with it?

It's too low.



No seriously. I need to get laid.

At 8:12 AM, Blogger Michael said...

You have no idea how happy this post made me.

Classic [GM]Dave, and on my birthday to boot!

At 9:05 PM, Blogger Tiger's Lair said...

"[GM]Dave>> Sir, the mp status bar is a fixed part of the GUI.
[GM]Dave>> It would be impossible to move it at this time.
Player>> STOP THAT!
[GM]Dave>> Stop what?"

F'in hilarious!!!! Love it. Hand me nearly oout of my chair at work.

At 5:26 PM, Blogger Pasifika said...

Ah, FFXI fun again. :D

I'm so lucky I didn't get [GM]Dave or someone else with his mindset when I made one of the few GM calls I've ever made... about the ducks that swim backwards. (They do!)
I didn't expect the GM to magically fix the issue, though, and in fact I got exactly what I wanted from him. He gave me the stock phrase about informing someone or the other and it being fixed in a further update (How much further, I wonder...), but more importantly, he said:

"I see the problem."

That's a lot more credit than most of my friends gave me, but I guess they figured there's no trusting someone who just sits by the lake all day watching ducks and an occasional dragon... (There is a dragon, I tell you!)

At 10:07 PM, Blogger Lakche said...

Best Jormy post in awhile. Missed the old guy.


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